or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › The Childhood Years › "You are so gorgeous" - advice ?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

"You are so gorgeous" - advice ? - Page 3

post #41 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
Why is it OK to start a conversation with a child by saying "what beautiful eyes you have!" How often would you do that with an adult? Why not start it about the weather, or what you're buying, or whatever...
I've noticed that most adults are clueless about how to interact with kids. Especially the older generations.

They either make comments about the child's appearance, or they ask "how's school?" I love it when my 11yo says, "I don't go to school," with a completely flat expression and the look of a dullard about him.
post #42 of 72
This CNN article addresses the issue, and maybe explains why some of us are uncomfortable with the 'You're so beautiful' thing:

http://edition.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/....ap/index.html
post #43 of 72
I wouldn't worry. I want my children to feel good about themselves and have a lot of confidence as they grow up, in ALL areas. I never did feel good about my looks growing up, still don't at times. I think it's cute when my DD talks about how pretty she looks in certain clothing or after a haircut. I never want to hear her talk down about herself. As she gets older I will make sure she doesn't get full of herself since thats my job.
post #44 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by RainCoastMama View Post
This CNN article addresses the issue, and maybe explains why some of us are uncomfortable with the 'You're so beautiful' thing:

http://edition.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/....ap/index.html
So now telling a child he has beautiful curls equals a "porn driven culture"?:

I think this has more to do with dressing kids "sexy" and exposing them to music and images that leave little to the imagination.
post #45 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by ledzepplon View Post
So now telling a child he has beautiful curls equals a "porn driven culture"?:

I think this has more to do with dressing kids "sexy" and exposing them to music and images that leave little to the imagination.
Essentialize the article - the general thrust is that focusing on looks-based power is in itself shallow and disempowering. Obviously we're not talking about porn.
post #46 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy68 View Post
I wouldn't worry. I want my children to feel good about themselves and have a lot of confidence as they grow up, in ALL areas. I never did feel good about my looks growing up, still don't at times. I think it's cute when my DD talks about how pretty she looks in certain clothing or after a haircut. I never want to hear her talk down about herself. As she gets older I will make sure she doesn't get full of herself since thats my job.
:
post #47 of 72
I strongly disagree that this is nothing.

I don't have any good advice, especially since she is so young. When she's older, I might encourage her to say "Thank you, I also just passed my green belt test in tae kwon do" or, whatever (girl scouts, music lessons, soccer, spelling, science, whatever she ends up being into).

My brother had those same looks (along with super-long eyelashes). We BOTH remember, clear as day, the random elderly cousin who would always say "Oh hello there! You are too pretty to be a boy!" and then turn to me and say "Hello". I could just hear her saying "Hello muddy-headed blue-eyed yet olive-toned ugly tomboy." He heard "You look like a girl."

I _applaud_ your concern. I realize what they are saying is seen as positive, but the effects _could_ be anything but.

My brother and I both still have issues with this, though our mother certainly seemed to agree with her. At least, she would verbally to her face--and she still tells my 35yo brother he should shave (he is clean but very grungy "not pretty"), he has such fabulous coloring. And she told my husband she couldn't believe anyone would marry me. And she has never accused me of having fabulous coloring (dh does, though :, and he is soooooo happy our kids got that olive skin so they don't burn like lobsters like daddy ).
post #48 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by RainCoastMama View Post
I talked to DH about this and now as a reflex we strongly emphasize other internal traits, such as 'people have to be pretty on the inside as well' or smartness in a situation, kindness to her sister, etc. It's ok to be 'pretty' and be seen as beautiful to people but there has to be a balance with internal strength and beauty, KWIM?
We do this too. We've talked about how it's nice to be pretty, but that it's far more important to be a generous, kind human being with strength and intelligence.

I gave my dd these -- they are frequently attributed to Audrey Hepburn and she often quoted them.

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives and the passion that she shows.

The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.
post #49 of 72
I dunno, it's still kind of "Be good and pure and you will be physically beautiful" for my taste. I like to separate out physical 'beauty' out from the important things a person can be or do.

Sorry for the critique! I know the message is well intended.
post #50 of 72
As a side note, my boy had longish curly hair as a toddler, with enormous blue eyes and thick lashes. He was constantly told what a pretty girl he was, lol. He didn't seem confused. Or will I be back ten years from now to eat my words????......

Both of my kids always get compliments. I hate it when people - even those in my own family!! - say stuff about my 7 yo. daughter like "uh oh, she's gonna be trouble!" and "keep those boys away" and "oh, you're gonna have YOUR hands full in a few years!" I'm like, ew god, stop sexualizing my little child, ya sick freaks.
post #51 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I dunno, it's still kind of "Be good and pure and you will be physically beautiful" for my taste.
I don't see that at all.

The way I read it, it's saying that lips which speak kindly will be attractive no matter what they actually *look* like.
post #52 of 72
I like the quote, Megmurry

DD got and still gets tons of comments on her looks. She is strikingly beautiful : And to her, it doesn't matter that much most if the time... unless there is a mirror and then she has to check herself out.

The you look pretty comments get really old really fast, imo. It was something she was given before birth. To me, commenting on someone's looks is like commenting on a car they bought. Big whoop. It looks great. Unless you designed and built it, why take the credit for having anymore than maybe a good taste in cars.

FTR, dd says thanks and that's about it. It does make her uncomfortable at times too.
post #53 of 72
The saying in my house growing up was always "pretty is as pretty does". It started when I was learning about horses and would say a horse was pretty before we saw it work. That would be my father's response, but it's grown over the past 30 years to include anything that is complimented for looks alone.
post #54 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I dunno, it's still kind of "Be good and pure and you will be physically beautiful" for my taste. I like to separate out physical 'beauty' out from the important things a person can be or do.

Sorry for the critique! I know the message is well intended.
With all due respect, I strongly believe you're misreading the Hepburn quote.
She is not saying, "Be good and pure and you will be physically beautiful," because for one, that statement is logically absurd. If it were true, Mother Teresa would be a hottie.

Instead, what Hepburn's statement is doing is "rewriting" the notion of what we consider beautiful and is directing her statement specifically to people who are, perhaps, overly concerned with external beauty. If you want a "slim figure," she advises, "share your food with the hungry." This changes the priorities from being personally slim -- a cultural definition of beauty that really could only be espoused by a country with plenty of food for everyone -- to helping those who don't have slimness as a luxury but as an inevitable consequence of starvation. That's only one example.

Ultimately, she argues that true beauty is not of the face or the form but of the soul. In one's treatment of others, one truly becomes beautiful.
post #55 of 72
I haven't read the replays yet but this hits VERY close to home for me. My advice not only allow her to call her self beautiful but agree ans point out how beautiful she is. Not only physically but personality wise as well. We are beautiful and there is NOTHING wrong with realizing how beautiful we are. Growing up with the parents who would never say you looks nice it made me extremely shy and unsure of myself. SO rather than focusing on the inside I waither with drew totally not carrring at all on my outward apprence and that refelcted how I felt inside and I acted with drawn and cold. Or I tried too hard spend way too much money trying to fix my flaws tried to cure the world and totally put on an act trying to find myself.
So we tell DD all the time shes beautiful we tell her shes physcially beautiful we name body parts and tell her how perfect and beautiful each is we talk about her actions and manners and how shes a beautiful person inside and outside. We simpily tell her the truth.
post #56 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meg Murry. View Post
If you want a "slim figure," she advises, "share your food with the hungry." This changes the priorities from being personally slim -- a cultural definition of beauty that really could only be espoused by a country with plenty of food for everyone -- to helping those who don't have slimness as a luxury but as an inevitable consequence of starvation. That's only one example.
Right, okay. But the end desired result is still to have a slim figure, yk? So now women should want to be virtuous, in order to be slim. Still the focus is on beauty.

I don't like it. I would like to remove the emphasis on physical beauty altogether, especially for women. That's just my opinion, my take on it. It rubs me the wrong way.
post #57 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roar View Post
I would prepare responses for when people say this stuff knowing that the main audience for your response is your daughter. It may be something like "she's smart and strong too" or something like that.
This is exactly what we do. Though she's only not-quite-one, recently we realized she's really starting to notice what people are saying--the content not just the delivery. It was an alarming moment when we realized that she answers to "so cute!" and "pretty!" as much as to "Aurora" which is her name. So we came up with an automatic response to the ten zillion "so pretty!"s we hear in a day out with her:

"And also strong and determined."

We joke that we want it to be an automatic response to her like the kind you have when you're raised in a liturgical church (we are Lutheran) and hear the same things week after week:

"God be with you." "And also with you."

"You're so pretty!" "And also strong and determined."

I guess we'll have to wait a few years to see how it works.
post #58 of 72
"You are so gorgeous".

Personally, I think that is something every single child in the world should hear every day. How would that be? No one second-guessing themselves, comparing themselves to others.

Rather than try to downplay a "gorgeous" child, how would the world be if we said it to ALL the children we interact with? Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing? I call my daughter "pretty girl" all the time. I also call my sons "handsome dudes"-all the time. Along with a host of other things calling out the great traits they have.

How do YOU act when someone compliments YOU? Does it go to your head? Do you reciprocate with a compliment to even it out? Do you say thank you? Do you get embarrassed? I think it's healthy to teach a child to accept a compliment flat out, and to give them permission to enjoy it. I also think it's healthy to teach children to GIVE compliments.

As far as the beauty aspect, everyone's ideal of beauty is different. After you meet someone who you find to have a great personality, why not say to your kids: "So and so is a beautiful (or amazing, or whatever) person, aren't they?", regardless of appearance.

Also, I've met a few outwardly gorgeous people who were real jerks, and called them "ugly" to my kids. They get what I mean.
post #59 of 72
I really agree with Roar here. My DD doesn't tend to get these comments (she's just your average cute kid, and is seriously mop-headed and often filthy to boot) and I have to admit that I'm glad, because I think it can be damaging.
post #60 of 72
People have always commented on my looks. I have unusual ethnic features and everyone (EVERYONE) says something to me. I'm 30 this month and yes, they still say it. I just wish I would have had a couple of good, humble but not depreciating lines to give back. I just said "thank you". Now I wish my mother would have told me I could say something like, "Not as gorgeous as you are kind," or "It must be your glasses {wink}", which is what I say nowadays.

I never paid attention to my looks. Well, not until I was around 22, 23 and had to get a job. Then I got really into it. Having messy hair, scabby knees, raggedy jeans, and old tee-shirts apparently did not diminish whatever it is people see in my face.

I don't think that comments from strangers will make a child think that that is the most important thing about her.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Childhood Years
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › The Childhood Years › "You are so gorgeous" - advice ?