"You are so gorgeous" - advice ? - Page 4

[Meg Murry.]

Originally Posted by thismama

Right, okay. But the end desired result is still to have a slim figure, yk? So now women should want to be virtuous, in order to be slim. Still the focus is on beauty.

I don't like it. I would like to remove the emphasis on physical beauty altogether, especially for women. That's just my opinion, my take on it. It rubs me the wrong way.

I don't think I've been successful at explaining this.
I believe your interpretation is too literal.

Ultimately, she's saying that having a slim figure is irrelevant. Feeding the poor is relevant.

Practicing virtue does not make one thin. That's why Hepburn is not making this assertion. The "end desired result" is to be a kind person to other people, not to be concerned with trivial appearances.

Practicing virtue does not give one outer beauty. That IS what Hepburn is saying. Practicing virtue gives one inner beauty.

Hope that helps clarify. She is trying to "remove the emphasis on physical beauty altogether."

[thismama]

If having a slim figure was irrelevant, she would not say "for a slim figure." She would say "instead of worrying about a slim figure."

I get what you are thinking, I think. But I actually don't think it is sending the messages you say it is.

[mata]

something we feel very strongly about in our house and try to teach our dds is that what we look like is no one else's business. My hope is that this will prevent them from looking for external validation, or being damaged by derogatory comments that may come their way.

[bigeyes]

I think the concern is that she might not realize what other positive attributes she has. My mother, for example, was always told how beautiful she was, and now that she's old and overweight, it's like she doesn't feel she has anything else to offer.

Strangely, she comments on my dd's looks, and I don't want to hear it. I don't want to raise another generation that feels like they are only valued for their appearance. For most of my life, if I didn't get along with someone, the first thing any family members said was 'well, look how much better looking you are than her! Why would she like you?' I think it's sad that some little girls, myself included, were constantly praised for something that occurred by chance. So many women grow up feeling competitive about their appearance, when they ought to be concentrating on nearly anything else.

I think we need to teach our kids to accept compliments graciously, but we also need to teach them to focus on what's really important, like honesty, integrity, and being kind to others.

[TEAK's Mom]

BSD, I like that.

One of my grandmothers was something of a UA violation. When I was three, she sat me down and gave me a long lecture about how I would never be beautiful like my sister and so I would have to work very hard to be smart enough to make up for it. (I did say she was a UA violation!) I told her, "I may not be pretty, but I'm very, very INTERESTING!" My dad caught it on film (now why he didn't stop filming and insist that his mother was wrong is a separate issue...).

I've always been proud of that response

[gaialice]

Originally Posted by Roar

And, even worse if people say it to one kid in the family and not to the others

Once I felt terrible, terrible... a mom stopped to comment about my daughters' beauty, and her OWN daughter, age 6-7 whose looks (in all sincerity were not so great) was watching her and I could tell her eyes were filling with tears.. I just did not know what to say... I just turned to the little girl and smiled to her... I think some people are not as sensitive as others. Thanks for this thread. I get these comments a lot and I do think they do influence the girls, to the extent they want to look good to go to school and stuff, and also, to the extent one day one of them said "I do not like playing with her because she is ugly"...
It was helpful to hear what other moms tell their children, although I do not like saying things like "she's also smart and strong" because noone is always strong, or always says smart things... and I love her regardless of anything she does or says... but yes, I agree perhaps I could say "your friends will want to be with you not so much because of the makeup because you have a great time together"

[Ivana&4Kids]

Ahhh this rings a bell. Aurora has golden blonde hair and deep blue eyes and gets things like,"You are so beautiful" or ,"Your eyes are gorgeous". I try to tell Aurora that not just she is beautiful but everyone else is too. She'll respond to people with a ,"Every body is butyful( ) in their own way."

[DreamsInDigital]

Originally Posted by gaialice

Once I felt terrible, terrible... a mom stopped to comment about my daughters' beauty, and her OWN daughter, age 6-7 whose looks (in all sincerity were not so great) was watching her and I could tell her eyes were filling with tears.. I just did not know what to say... I just turned to the little girl and smiled to her... I think some people are not as sensitive as others. Thanks for this thread. I get these comments a lot and I do think they do influence the girls, to the extent they want to look good to go to school and stuff, and also, to the extent one day one of them said "I do not like playing with her because she is ugly"...
It was helpful to hear what other moms tell their children, although I do not like saying things like "she's also smart and strong" because noone is always strong, or always says smart things... and I love her regardless of anything she does or says... but yes, I agree perhaps I could say "your friends will want to be with you not so much because of the makeup because you have a great time together"

My eyes filled with tears at this post. I was always the ugly daughter and I remember how much it hurt. I am incredibly insecure as an adult, I think in part due to the fact the we always heard what a beautiful girl my sister was and not a word was ever said about me.

[mothertoall]

Hi, just wanted to put in my 2 cents.
my dd 5 ,is flaming red hair , green eyes and the sweetest smile(I guess I could be biased , but ev eryone says so)...she is fair to the point of being transparent aside from some freckles. she has ruby red lips. She is really different looking and stands out in a crowd. People tell her so all the time....and it shows. She KNOWS shes pretty....so what....she also knows she's smart....and talented ( she can sing like nobodys business and has an artistic flair for painting and DRAMA!!) BUT, she knows she's MORE than pretty....and I think thats the important part. GOD made her unique in more ways than one...LOL...and theres no reason I see she should be made to downplay it. It is who she is , a stunningly unique looking red haired , bright green eyed, peaches and cream complected, did i mention Teeny Tiny , agile, smart, wickedly dramatic , fantastic kid.

[Paigerina]

Originally Posted by ledzepplon

Wow--I never suggested that environment plays no factor. I was just wondering if the concern was vanity, insecurity, egocenterism, eating disorder, or what?

I personally *like* compliments. Strangers don't know how kind, intelligent, creative, or dedicated your child is. Sometimes lovely eyes or a radiant smile is all they know about you. And for better or for worse, we have to go through life in the bodies we are born with.

I think it's human nature to appreciate beauty, and while I agree that emphasizing looks over other more important qualities is certainly harmful, we can't control what other people will think or say or feel. What we can do is teach our children that while it's nice to have, say, pretty hair, one day that hair will go grey or get thin and what we're left with will be those internal characteristics. Of course I really think this is a life-long lesson, and I don't expect a 3,5,10, or even 15 year old to "get."

I just don't think that hearing she has pretty eyes is necessarily going to damage a child if she is raised in a family/social environment that values her other qualities, too.

And as far as the boy versus girl comments about looks, my ds actually has always gotten more feedback about his appearance than my dd.

Well said. I agree.

I like compliments too.

When you first meet someone, you don't know they have a beautiful singing voice.

I see nothing whatsoever wrong with complimenting someone on their appearance. Appreciating someone's physical beauty doesn't necessarily diminish your appreciation of their inner beauty. The implication that it's an either/or proposition is unhealthy.

Saying "She's smart too!" everytime someone compliments a child on her appearance would seem to send the message that physical beauty is necessarily frivolous. It would almost seem to send the message that being physically attractive or attracting attention because you're physically attractive is something to be ashamed of.

Kids who spend most their time in a healthy environment where they're appreciated for who they are grow up to be comfortable with the fact that each person is worthwhile for multiple reasons, some more immediately noticeable than others.

Complimenting someone on their fair skin doesn't imply that deep skin tones are less attractive. Two people who look totally different from one another can both be beautiful. It's probably healthier to compliment many people for many different reasons than to specifically avoid complimenting people on their appearance as if being physically attractive implies you're shallow or don't have other qualities worth appreciating.

It doesn't. It's just often the first thing people notice.

[Paigerina]

Originally Posted by octobermom

I haven't read the replays yet but this hits VERY close to home for me. My advice not only allow her to call her self beautiful but agree ans point out how beautiful she is. Not only physically but personality wise as well. We are beautiful and there is NOTHING wrong with realizing how beautiful we are. Growing up with the parents who would never say you looks nice it made me extremely shy and unsure of myself. SO rather than focusing on the inside I waither with drew totally not carrring at all on my outward apprence and that refelcted how I felt inside and I acted with drawn and cold. Or I tried too hard spend way too much money trying to fix my flaws tried to cure the world and totally put on an act trying to find myself.
So we tell DD all the time shes beautiful we tell her shes physcially beautiful we name body parts and tell her how perfect and beautiful each is we talk about her actions and manners and how shes a beautiful person inside and outside. We simpily tell her the truth.

I think it's lovely you tell your daughter how beautiful she is inside and out.

[Paigerina]

Originally Posted by Mallori

"You are so gorgeous".

Personally, I think that is something every single child in the world should hear every day. How would that be? No one second-guessing themselves, comparing themselves to others.

Rather than try to downplay a "gorgeous" child, how would the world be if we said it to ALL the children we interact with? Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing? I call my daughter "pretty girl" all the time. I also call my sons "handsome dudes"-all the time. Along with a host of other things calling out the great traits they have.

How do YOU act when someone compliments YOU? Does it go to your head? Do you reciprocate with a compliment to even it out? Do you say thank you? Do you get embarrassed? I think it's healthy to teach a child to accept a compliment flat out, and to give them permission to enjoy it. I also think it's healthy to teach children to GIVE compliments.

As far as the beauty aspect, everyone's ideal of beauty is different. After you meet someone who you find to have a great personality, why not say to your kids: "So and so is a beautiful (or amazing, or whatever) person, aren't they?", regardless of appearance.

Also, I've met a few outwardly gorgeous people who were real jerks, and called them "ugly" to my kids. They get what I mean.

I'm so on the same page as you.