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Losing my mom

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
I'm so sad, I'm dying inside. We just found out that my mom has metastatic bone cancer. The tumor on her leg bone is so huge the doctors advised her to remain in bed so it doesn't fracture. So far, they have found cancerous lesions on her spine and in her leg. We don't even know where the cancer started from yet. We're taking her on Thursday to get a scan of her organs to see where else it might have spread to. We don't have her prognosis yet but we already know it isn't good. My family is SO close, I can't imagine losing my mom. I have never been this sad in my entire life. I don't feel like I can survive this grief. I'm trying to be strong for her but it is so hard. I don't know how I can be a good Mama without my mom to help guide me. I want my daughter to have the close relationship that I had with my Grandma (who now has Alzheimers). My DD is so young, I don't think she'll even remember my mom and that just kills me. We planned to have another baby next year and I can't imagine my mom not knowing this child. I would give anything to save my mom. I don't even know what else to say, I just felt like I needed to share my grief. Please pray for us.
post #2 of 16
I understand what you're going through.

I lost my mom suddenly 13 years ago. I was so unprepared for her death, I at times felt like I was never going to make it through. Her death was unexpected, a massive heart attack while returning from vacation, I never had the chance to say goodbye.

My aunt succumbed to lung cancer 1 year ago, she was my 'other mother' and losing her has been just as difficult to adjust to. I did learn so much from my aunt's struggle with terminal illness, perhaps some of this may help you.

I would say take this time to let your mom know how much you love her, how much you appreciate what you've learned from her. Don't be afraid to let her see your sadness, you both can gain from that. Allow her to verbalize her fears and worries, as difficult as it will be. Being strong takes on many different aspects.

You can be the kind of mom your mom was and is, she taught you, embrace that! Your children may not remember her, but you can teach them about her, teach them things that were important to her.

You are and will be in my thoughts and prayers.
post #3 of 16
Hello papschmitty,

I am so so sorry you and your family are going through this. I know what you are going through as my Mom died on April 12, 2007 after a long fight with lung cancer she was only 47 years old. I know how gut wrenching it all seems and how life almost freezes around you. I am still reeling from it all myself and find it hard to get through my days even now, as she was my bestfriend.

Give your Mom a great big hug for me too. It is so terrible and unfair what you will go through my heart hurts for you even now. My only advice is cry as much as you want and call her as much as you want...I wish I could tell you more but, it used to help me so much to just hear her voice on the other end of the phone for just a minute when I was having a ruff day.

I'm mostly a luker on these boards but, I chime in every now and again. Please PM me if you ever just need to talk. You and your mother are in my thoughts.
post #4 of 16
I'm so sorry *hugs*. I lost my mom in March this year, and the grief is still unbearable at times. I'm not really sure what to say, other than to add in with others that you can feel free to PM me anytime, and my thoughts are with you and your mother.
post #5 of 16
Thread Starter 
Thank you for being so kind and supportive. We're still waiting on the appointment with oncology but my mom's pain has been getting worse so I took her to her regular doctor today. She was a little more frank about what my mom's recent bone scan actually showed. We were initially told that there was a large cancerous tumor on her right femur (so big that she's been put on bedrest because they're worried it's going to fracture) and along her spine. Her doctor today informed us that there are actually lesions on both legs, her spine, her ribs, her shoulder, and her skull. I have no idea if this affects her prognosis but it sure doesn't sound very promising to me. We still don't know where the cancer is originating from. She hasn't really had any specific symptoms other than the pain. She actually started spotting today which was quite a surprise since she hasn't had a period in years. We were both wishing it was a sign of uterine cancer since that would be very easy to cut out. I just feel like we keep getting devastating news; there's so little to feel hopeful about. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the day. I'm a nurse and I can't imagine even pretending to care about anyone else right now. I'm very blessed to live close to my mom, we're about 10 minutes apart and my sister and her family live right down the street from my mom. Before her illness, I saw her at least 2-3 times per week. It's been our ritual for years to go over there every Sunday after church and just hang out for the day. Her house is like homebase for all of us. I can't even imagine losing that. I've been seriously toying with the idea of renting our house out and moving in with my parents. If I am going to lose my mom, I want to spend every spare moment that I can with her. It's so hard to leave her at the end of the day to come home to my own house. I've been so clingy with my DD and DH. I just want to round up all the people I love and keep them close to me so I don't lose any of them.
post #6 of 16
You family sounds so similar to ours. My heart reaches out to you and your family right now. I lost my Mother 2 years ago and there are days where the grief still hits me. THis is such precious time for the two of you. When my Mom was dying, we did alot of memory making. Pictures, trips, hand casting and prints, "Memory Books", etc. Those items are all so dear to me now and are great to share with the kids.

Please know that we are here to listen and support you on this journey.

Much Love,

post #7 of 16
Hugs to you.

My mother is also dying( advanced lung cancer) and I know the pain in your soul.

post #8 of 16
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by granolamom View Post
Hugs to you.

My mother is also dying( advanced lung cancer) and I know the pain in your soul.

I'm so, so sorry for you and your family. I'll be praying for you.
post #9 of 16
granolamom I'm really sorry you and your Mom are going through this. I know how you feel... My prayers are with you.

papschmitty ~ I'm thinking of you and your family.
post #10 of 16
granolamom papschmitty

I'm so sorry your both going threw this. It's not fair. It's a tough road that you don't
have any idea how you will travel, but you will, and you will come out okay.

Try your best to make the moments you have count. Not by making large plans, but
by listening to your heart, and holding on to your memories. I wish I had said or done
a few more things before my Mother passed last September, but I am comforted that
she knew what she meant to me, and how much I love her.

Your families are in my thoughts.
post #11 of 16

I've been where you are.

I lost my mom to cancer on May 4, 1998.
There is something so special and indescribable about the mother daughter bond. You will always feel that void ... sometimes intensely ... sometimes not as much.

The days ahead will be crazy and like a blur of activity and decisions. Your thoughts and emotions will be consumed with the business of trying to keep her alive a little longer ... or at least make her last days more comfortable. Yet every once in while the grief will rise up and the reality of what is to come will grip you. This is normal.

There are no words to describe the pain of loss when she is gone. We all grieve and hurt differently and yet I do know the nature of your pain. Let yourself grieve. Express your grief with your family. Hospice was an incredible source of information to help me sort through the many emotions and stages of grief.

That's another thing ... the stages of grief are not something you go through one at a time and you're "done." You will go through the stages at different times and over and over again ... like the waves of the sea ... you feel "on top" of it and then you come down again and go through the stages again on a different level.

Too, grieving is different for everyone. You will grieve in one way ... your siblings in another. No one way is right. Don't feel resentful or guilty or angry because another family member isn't acting/feeling the way you are or the way you think they should. This will be a trying time for all.

Cherish your mom with all you have now. Let your children love her as they so passionately and innocently do now. Explain to them that grandma will be leaving soon. Let them express their grief their way too. Let them ask questions and don't be afraid to let them know if you don't have an answer.

All things come in their due time. Their is a purpose for everything even though we don't see or understand that purpose now. Embrace change ... even painful change as an opportunity to love more, grow more and learn more.

My prayers are with you. You may talk to me anytime about anything -- honestly. I've been there. And, I'm still there ... just a few years more down the road.

~ Kris ~
post #12 of 16
Thread Starter 
Kris, thank you so much. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you too, to everyone else for the kind words and support.

A lot has happened since my last post. I went with my parents to my mom's oncology appointment and they ended up transporting her by ambulance to the hospital to have emergency surgery to stabilize her femur. They removed as much of the tumor as possible and stabilized the bone by attaching a metal rod. Her recovery has been long. She's dependent on us for so much. She can't be alone right now so my sister and I are trying to split shifts taking care of her. This is no easy task given I work for "the man" who is lacking in the compassion department and my sister is 9 months pregnant. They still can't find where the primary cancer is coming from. All the usual culprits have been ruled out and so far they can't find cancer anywhere other than her bones. She starts radiation next week and will start chemo once the radiation is done. The oncologist told us that treatments would not cure the cancer, just manage it similar to a chronic illness. I have no idea if this means we have 10 months or 10 years.

For now I'm just trying to live in the moment. I spend as much time with her as possible and try to make life feel as normal as it can for her. Now I'm struggling with the idea of having another baby. I cannot imagine my mom no knowing all of her grandchildren or my children not knowing her. I suffer from unexplained infertility and needed fertility treatments to get pg with DD. Before my mom's diagnosis, we had just decided to wait until next summer to start treatments again as this is when my car loan and student loan would be paid off. We're not hurting financially but it would definitely make things easier with these bills paid off. Now I'm thinking I want to get pg now just in case I don't have that much time left with my mom. I really want to share my family with her. On the other hand, I can't imagine how well I'll cope with this journey through cancer when I'm raging with pg hormones or engrossed with caring for a new baby. Last month my period was 2 days late and I wasn't feeling well (I was deathly ill w/DD for almost my entire pg). When my period finally did come, I was much more disappointed than I expected to be. Does this mean I really do want another baby right now? I have no idea. I wish it were more clear to me.

Thanks again for all the support, it truly means the world to me.

post #13 of 16
I'm so sorry
post #14 of 16
I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. I can't imagine your fear and grief right now, although I know it must be agonizing. But no matter what, your mom WILL be with you, you WILL help your children to know her. You will carry her in you, in the way you mother, in the stories you tell, in the photos you look at together. My daughter has a real and vivid living sense of my beloved grandfather, who died many years ago. I remember him to her and keep his lessons alive in the way that I love her.

None of this minimizes, or even very much lessens, the experience of grief, but without it, I don't know-- I can't imagine how we'd all go on.

post #15 of 16

Wishing your family peace
post #16 of 16
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My mom is having surgery on Monday to remove a tumor that is on the surface of and intertwined through the bones of her arm. Her doctor mentioned today that we may be looking at amputation in the near future. She's 87 and her personality has degenerated to the point where she's confused, forgetful and refuses to help herself in any way. This is going to be a very hard road. :

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dear mom. My situation is different in many ways but they're both very sad and difficult. I'm sorry for your pain.
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