Top 5 rants

[CMcC]

I think I understand why other doulas don't agree with providing free service even when they are a student doula. Maybe the client would take more responsibility if they had to pay for the service. I had a free student doula with my last birth.... I was SO grateful for her. So it's hard for me to see where these clients are coming from when the only prep for birth is "hiring" me as their doula.

My top 5 rant topics are:

Smoking in pregnancy (Yeah, I know how some of you feel about the subject.... but this is how I feel about it.)

Not preparing for labor/ birth

Bad nutrition

Saying they want one thing, but settling for something much less.

Not communicating

[courtenay_e]

OH! I'm in the PERFECT mood for this game today!!:

Well, today, after getting one of "those" emails from somebody who wants a doula b/c she doesn't want a cesarean and soooo, if she chooses routes that end her in a cesarean, wants her money back, I'd say my number one rant is:

people who want a doula, but only want to pay them to work miracles alone(ie: choose care providers, hospitals, and birthing practices which make it almost certain that they WILL have a cesarean, except they throw a doula into the mix and expect them to change the outcome simply by being there), and if the miracle doesn't happen, they want their money back. Grrrrrr.

2. Post partum nurses who plant the seed in women's heads that their body is somehow broken and can't provide the milk their baby needs.

3. Doctors or nurses who repetedly walk into a room where there is a birthing woman, usually in or nearing transition, saying very loudly, "You know, she DOESN'T H-A-V-E to do this without drugs!"

4. Doctors who say that if you squat while you're pushing you'll have a HARDER time getting the baby under the pubic bone, so why doesn't the mother just try it the RIGHT way, up here on the bed?...

5. Women who say "my doctor will "LET" me try XYZ" or "my doctor doesn't "LET" his/her patients do XYZ" --we need to grow backbones, people!

[DoomaYula]

Only 5?!?!?!?!?!?

Okay here goes

1. Yeah, the women who choose providers with very high c-s rates, very high episiotomy rates, and then "throw a doula into the mix" (LOL Courtenay) thinking I can somehow change that. Um, all I can do is suggest that YOU to tell YOUR PROVIDER what you want or don't want! And then, when I suggest she change providers to find someone more whatever, she says, "Oh, but I looooooooooove this provider!" What do you love more, your provider or your perineum?

2. Women who say they want XYZ, or ask me, Can I have ABC at this hospital? and I say yes, but you have to stand firm... and then we get to the hospital and she's just like, "Oh, doctor/aka God, whatever you want is fine with me!"

3. Women who say, "My doctor won't LET ME do this (go past 40w, eat during labor, walk during labor, avoid an IV)" or "My doctor told me I can't have a vaginal birth because of this (I'm over 35yo, I had a previous c-s, I had a previous complication)" and they just nod and smile.

4. Women who have absolutely no interest in their births, just see it as a means to an end.

5. Nurses who push drugs. I had a client who had a med-free hossy birth, and the nurse was practically FORCING this client to take some Motrin 800 after birth. She kept saying stuff like, "You know you're going to want it at 2am and then I won't be here and you won't be able to get it, why not just get it while I'm here?" I was thinking, Are you some kind of JUNKY or what?!?!?!

[pamamidwife]

Doulas who do births for free are asking not to be taken seriously - and to be used, used, used.

Even the smallest amount of money exchange sets up a commitment from the parents that they are hiring you. That you're not some person who has all this free time to just hang with people.

Time is valuable - and as such, birthworkers deserve to be paid. For this type of reason especially!

[Jane]

1. People who want my opinion, but don't respect me because I'm not an OB.
2. A certain someone who referred to my chosen career as, "I know you're still trying to do that midwifery thing..."
3. Anyone making money by convincing women they are not capable, in pregnancy, labor, birth, and babycare.
4. People who say one thing and clearly demonstrate something else.
5. The *@#$&* people that sexually abuse girls - that comes up a lot in birth work.

[dancindoula]

OK, here are mine. Copying off of some of you because you put it so nicely. : (And I have found that most of these rants apply whether someone has paid for my services or not.)

1.

Yeah, the women who choose providers with very high c-s rates, very high episiotomy rates, and then "throw a doula into the mix" (LOL Courtenay) thinking I can somehow change that. Um, all I can do is suggest that YOU to tell YOUR PROVIDER what you want or don't want! And then, when I suggest she change providers to find someone more whatever, she says, "Oh, but I looooooooooove this provider!" What do you love more, your provider or your perineum?

2.

Doctors or nurses who repetedly walk into a room where there is a birthing woman, usually in or nearing transition, saying very loudly, "You know, she DOESN'T H-A-V-E to do this without drugs!"

3. Parents who say they want to do xxxx but make NO effort to prepare for it no matter what resources I bring them, and are then shocked when xxxx was difficult or "didn't work".

4. MY friends, co-workers, family who ask my opinion/advice then don't take me seriously because I'm JUST a doula (is that even a legitimate profession???) and haven't given birth yet myself. Hello??? Ever heard of a male OB? How many times have THEY given birth? Oh, but they're professionals they've had training. ..........GAAHHH!

5. Moms who get all excited about having a doula, want me as there doula, in one case even hired me as her doula, then come back and say "I still want a doula and believe everything we talked about, but my dh/mom/bf/dog/??? doesn't want you there so I guess I'll just be alright on my own, 'k?" Whose yoni is this baby sliding out of? Maybe the owner of said yoni gets to decide who is part of her birth team. (Had one mom who's husband didn't inform her of his desire to have only them (and the ob, nurses, ped, etc) in the room for privacy until she went into LABOR. And yes, she called me three days later to let me know they wouldn't need the rest of my services.):

[DoomaYula]

Ugh. Yeah, I'm totally NOT respected around most of the women I know in playgroup because I'm JUST a doula. Even when I can tell them EXACTLY what happens at our local hosp (because we only have one, it's where I am!) they don't believe me or something. "No, they won't give me pitocin after birth," "No, I'm not having an IV," "No, I won't get a scheduled induction." SUUUUUUURE. I'm making it all up.

[CMcC]

I did say top 5. And that was just at that moment.... I totally agree with every one of those rants! How on earth are we suppose to help these women when we aren't taken seriously and they won't help themselves!?!? This is exactly what I'm going through with my client right now. I won't go into details, but the no communication and blowing people off is about as much as I can stand. Think we're going to have a talk at the next prenatal. Of course, she says she wants xyz..... but you know the rest of the story. I wonder if these women really expect everything to go well just because they hired a doula? Honestly, I'm there to help, not give birth to the baby myself!

[DoomaYula]

Well I know that in some of the big expensive cities (NYC, LA) the doulas charge over $1000, and my first thought was, "Wow, for $1000, she should definitely give birth FOR me!"

[CMcC]

Originally Posted by YumaDoula

Well I know that in some of the big expensive cities (NYC, LA) the doulas charge over $1000, and my first thought was, "Wow, for $1000, she should definitely give birth FOR me!"

$1,000

Yeah, give birth FOR me! Shoot, for an extra $500 I'll throw in the first nursing too.

[3daughters]

My biggest pet peeve is women who claim to be all for a natural birth but are then ask for the epidural the minute they walk into the hospital and will not even try any comfort measures I suggest.

[DoulaClara]

Yes, yes, YES!!! Especially the ten-second turn-around, where birth choices are talked about beforehand, and the clients insist that they are doing A, B, and C; and there is no way, no how that they will allow X, Y, or Z... only to repeatedly tell me at the hospital, "But the doctor says... the doctor says..." (PS- where is the doctor? Oh yeah, phoning these directives in to you.) :

Or the ones who ask and repeatedly demand that I tell them what to do. No way, darlin'. This is your birth, and I will happily aim you in the direction of multiple resources, but you need to decide what is important to you. I'm not here to give you my best birth, I'm here to be with you and support you through your best birth. If you ask to borrow a book, READ IT. If you ask about websites regarding certain issues, how about actually visiting them?

Still, I think it's a symptom of something much bigger. Even outside of the birth world (and in the education realm), mothers especially are looking for the "right answer according to the audience." Many of my questions are met with an answer that has a lingering question mark at the end, almost like they're wondering if they have the "right" answer.

Ex: "What do you think about being aware of the time, versus not being told of the time? How do you think you will react in labor knowing how long it has been since X?"

Client: "Um... I think... I don't want to know?"

:
Clara

[cornpicker]

Originally Posted by YumaDoula

What do you love more, your provider or your perineum?

And yes, here in NYC, I'm looking at about ~$1500 for an experienced doula. Of course DH whines about the cost, but balks at the idea of hiring a student doula or someone who wants homebirth experience and will do for little or no cost. Whatev.