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Adrenaline and talking to ex-wife

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
Why is it that my adrenaline immediately gets going as soon as my DH's ex-wife calls??

We all have a pretty good relationship - much better than most - so there's not huge animosity or anything, but it never fails - when she calls, my adrenaline starts pumping!

Anyone else experience this? It's just so extreme and I wonder why. And on the flipside, when we talk and really get along and are nice and helpful, I'm almost elated after the conversation (that is after the adrenaline subsides!).

Thanks for letting me vent - dh just got off the phone with her and I'm still "coming down" off the rush!:
post #2 of 23
I could have totally written that post! Whenever DF's babymama calls, it gets me going as well. And we all get along, too.

But it seems like the woman calls ALL THE TIME.

She is one of those phone people, constantly on the horn with someone. Has one of those ridiculous Bluetooth ear things. She calls him to talk about her love life, complain about her job, etc. She's also one of those people that it takes ten minutes to end a conversation with.

This drive me insane.

I put my foot down about him telling her things, however. He can smile and nod, but he is not to tell her about our relationship, our finances, etc.

There is a positive side to all of this: All of her talking does give us insight on what is going on at her house, so that is a positive. She let it slip that she was dating a former crack-addict bank robber, for instance. Nice things to know.
post #3 of 23
My adrenaline gets going just THINKING about her! :

I think I need to calm down a bit, eh? The whole stepfamily thing is a bit of a sore topic right now, as we're in the midst of fighting about summer visitation.
post #4 of 23
I totally understand how you feel, I start shaking just at the thought of calling to talk to DSS...so if BM and I end up talking I shake pretty much the whole time...well it peters out towards the latter half of the convo but still...its hard.
post #5 of 23
WOW
made me laugh

Whenever I pick up or drop of DSD my heart is always racing! Funny, but it's true, and I hate that feeling :

I didn't even think others felt like that.
post #6 of 23
Well, I have a theory. I have theories for everything. I take my armchair philosophy verrry seriously!

It's just a fundamentally weird relationship. I mean, DH and I have been together much, much, much longer than DH and BM were, but still, he had s-e-x with her. They had a child. They loved each other, once. And they don't anymore, but still, it's there in the background, even if I don't think about it. Good news? It doesn't happen to me anymore. Took maybe 4 or 5 years, but we have never gotten along at all well; I imagine if we were friendlier with each other it would have been easier.

I never had that feeling with my kids' stepmom. She didn't enter the picture until I was completely, totally, comfortably finished with my relationship with my ex-husband, so that helped. I like her. If I'd met her before my ex-h did, we'd be best friends now and he'd be single!
post #7 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by UptownZoo View Post
It's just a fundamentally weird relationship. I mean, DH and I have been together much, much, much longer than DH and BM were, but still, he had s-e-x with her. They had a child. They loved each other, once. And they don't anymore, but still, it's there in the background, even if I don't think about it.
For a long time, hearing any part of stbsd's conception/birth story really upset me. I just don't want to think about my DF being close to *that* woman. When they are in a room together, I almost have a hard time picturing them together. I cannot see them getting along at all (I suppose that would explain why they are not together ). And she's ten years older than I am, so we don't really feel like peers. But in a way we are. When we are not around her and the subject comes up, it drives me nuts. Even though I know that he doesn't want to be with her at all, I still feel jealous. I like her much more in person than in concept.
post #8 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
I like her much more in person than in concept.
That would describe my feelings toward my ex's wife to a "T"
post #9 of 23
OH how this resonated with me. Everytime i have any interaction or even just see her number on the caller id. anxiety, adrenaline yuck.
post #10 of 23
The anxiety, heart racing, shaking, etc. are all physical responses to fear and stress.

So what it means is that you need to do some self-examination work and figure out where the fear is coming from.

Of course there are situations where a fear response to a person is appropriate. But it sounds like in this case that you are carrying around unresolved feelings about your relationships that are causing the stress.

I've mentioned this book a couple times around here, and it really is worth a read if you can find it used, online or at a library. It's The Wife-in-Law Trap by Ann Cryster. It takes such a supportive and understanding look at both sides of the divorce; and relies heavily on the stories of real women living in difficult situations.
post #11 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by offwing View Post
But it sounds like in this case that you are carrying around unresolved feelings about your relationships that are causing the stress.
Well, yeah. I don't agree with things she did, or does. I aslo know what she says about me to DSD, and I don't like it; at the same time, I don't think it is worth arguing about. So there it is sitting under the rug and pumpingh that adrenalin every time I pick up the kid, or we talk on the phone.

And I have to admit, it creeps me out to think of the past she had with my bf (yeah, the whole "but they had s-e-x" deal). I also can't stand when she touches him on the arm, or shoulder when we come over to pick up DSD or to talk about something (he never initiates the touching thing, and I trust him completely), but I don't like when she's trying to present "well we were together" picture. Makes me feel jealous, even though I know it is foolish and unreasonable : He always moves away though, that makes me feel better.

P.S. will try to look up the book you suggested.
post #12 of 23
YES, YES, YES! Honestly, I won't answer the phone if I see on the caller ID that it's her. The only time I can't see the caller ID is when I'm on-line and the phone rings. Then, the ONLY thing that is said is her asking for one of the kids and me saying "Yep, hold on..."

I will not have a conversation with her, period. I KNOW that I'd lose my cool b/c of all the crap she's pulled. I let my dh deal with her. In reality, I don't think my dh want's me talking to her b/c he knows what will happen, a HUGE fight, lol.

So, you're NOT alone. And yes, I agree with the pp, in my case, there are absolutely some big unresolved feelings. I'm just not ready to deal with them yet.
post #13 of 23
Thread Starter 
I thought I couldn't be the only one out there!

And it's strange for me because we don't ever have really big issues (especially compared to a lot of people out there!).

I've never really had problems thinking about him having been with her before, etc. I suppose part of that might be due to the fact that she's lesbian (that was the catalyst for the divorce in the first place) so they aren't touchy or affectionate in any way, and I know they would never get back together.

Sometimes I think maybe it's simply due to the fact that "sharing" a child is stressful. It's difficult to be the "authority" when you have the child, yet have to work things out with another "authority" who feels as strongly as you do about the way things are/should be. And when each side is seeing things from their own perspective, even the most easy-going people can get tangled up in it all.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm not alone in this, and hope it gets better with time . . . although we're going on 6 years of this now!:
post #14 of 23
It's definitely not jealousy with me... DH has girlfriends that I see all the time, and I have no issue with them. The only thing that ever freaked me out was the PLACENTA in the freezer. Ew. DSD was 4.

I just don't like the woman at all. She is the kind of person who constantly talks about how hard they have it in life, complain complain whine whine, and does nothing about it. She chose to move DSD 5 hours away from us, and has the nerve to complain to US about missing her when she is here for weekend visits. When we phone to talk to DSD, not only is the TV on, loud, but mom sits in the background and tells DSD what to say. My personal favourite is that she told the judge they wanted to move away because it would be more affordable, but she still complains about being broke continuously.

We have none of the same values at all, well, except that we are both a little bit weird. However, of course her weirdness is okay (piercings and tattoos) but our weirdness is a bad influence (going to festivals and having friends with weird names like Sunshine and Purple). Letting DSD watch TV and play video games constantly is fine, but we are bad people because we took her to an afternoon barbecue and there weren't any other kids there. Never mind that she had a great time in the pool and hot tub at our friend's apartment - if our friends don't have kids, we're not supposed to take DSD to their homes.

I think what makes me so frustrated and angry is that I don't get to actually interact with her about this stuff. She talks to DH and he is nice to her and then vents to me about it. I try to get him to put his foot down with her and he won't... So now when I see her name on the call display I seethe.

I know, I need to move on and LET IT GO... so much easier to say than to do.
post #15 of 23
okay, now that I've posted that... She just did something NICE for us. Well, not really did something nice, but backed down from messing with our plan to visit DSD for a weekend. Yay!
post #16 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
I know, I need to move on and LET IT GO... so much easier to say than to do.
Well, yeah, there is that "it's tough" part!

But I'm really a big believer in changing how I react to situations that I have no way to change otherwise. I always have control over what I do, say, and feel even when I can't control anything else.

So when something causes that automatic freak anxiety thing, I try to change my reactions by doing things like taking deep breaths, calming myself, etc. A lot like people do to get over phobias. It takes a little time, but eventually you do feel at least a little calmer, even if the bad situation doesn't totally go away.
post #17 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by myra_mcgray View Post
OH how this resonated with me. Everytime i have any interaction or even just see her number on the caller id. anxiety, adrenaline yuck.
I'm new here, I wasn't planning on posting but this post really made me feel better about my own situation. I tend to experience a little anxiety when there is a face to face interaction with biomom (especially when she comes over to pick up my stepson, it doesn't happen so much when we go to pick him up). I thought I was nuts or something, but it seems I'm not the only one

When she calls, I don't feel anxious or shake or anything like that, but it does dampen my spirits for some reason. I almost feel like she's intruding on our private time just by calling, especially if she's calling for something trivial, and it sometimes takes me an hour to bounce back from it and get cheerful again. Maybe its just because the whole situation is new and will get better over time. I feel like I'm putting myself in a weaker position by letting it get to me when I know deep down comunication is necessary and talking to her is really no big deal.
post #18 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
For a long time, hearing any part of stbsd's conception/birth story really upset me. I just don't want to think about my DF being close to *that* woman. When they are in a room together, I almost have a hard time picturing them together. I cannot see them getting along at all (I suppose that would explain why they are not together ). And she's ten years older than I am, so we don't really feel like peers. But in a way we are. When we are not around her and the subject comes up, it drives me nuts. Even though I know that he doesn't want to be with her at all, I still feel jealous. I like her much more in person than in concept.
Me, too.

Whenever my stepdaughter's Mother calls or if I go with my Hubby for pickup or dropoff, my heart is racing and I've got a whole dialog in my head to say back to her, depending on what she says to me or what the situation is at the time. She hurt my Husband so bad and she's hurt my stepdaughter before as well, with Parental Alienation Syndrome towards my Hubby and me as well, so I just think about her and I get all ready to "protect my family". It's crazy, but I'm sure glad I'm not the only one.
post #19 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
I think what makes me so frustrated and angry is that I don't get to actually interact with her about this stuff. She talks to DH and he is nice to her and then vents to me about it. I try to get him to put his foot down with her and he won't...

I'm in the same boat here.

It's weird because I've never met his ex (she lives in England), and she hardly ever calls. I've never had a conversation with her. It's hard to reconcile the things I've heard about her with her voice on the answering machine.

The one time my adrenaline did get going was when I read a note she had written for dh regarding dss, and she signed it with the dh's old nickname for her. It was really just tmi.
post #20 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunabelly View Post
The one time my adrenaline did get going was when I read a note she had written for dh regarding dss, and she signed it with the dh's old nickname for her. It was really just tmi.
Woah! I think I would puke!
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