Family w/ bad cleaning habits - need advice

[pinecone]

I am a WOHM, 4 days a week. DH is a SAHD with our 5yo DD. Lately the house has become a disaster. I walk in the front door to a living room cluttered with toys, laundry (some clean & some dirty), a dining room table piled with mail, unemptied backpacks from excursions outside of the house, the kitchen has a dishwasher full of dirty dishes and more in the sink and the table has not been wiped off. Sheesh! I'm about to lose it!

I want to spend my 1 day off a week having quality time with my DD and not spend "my" time doing housework. But I also know that i'm WAY more efficient at it than dh who can spend a whole day on trying to clean the kitchen. Ugh.

We do have a cleaning person come every 3-5 weeks. She mops floors, dusts; and does cleans the toilets and tubs and does that type of thing. We generally work pretty hard to clear away the clutter on the weeks that she's coming. And the house usually stays clean for about a 2 days at most before it returns to a crazy mess.

Now, I don't need it to be spotless, but it is unbearable. I want to teach dd good habits, but our family has none when it comes to cleaning. I've tried talking w/ DH about establishing rules (i.e. immediately after dinner dishes are put in dishwaser and run, table is wiped etc. laundry should be started when you know you can finish it and put it away rather than leave it sit in washer for 2 days before you dry it.) But these never seem to stick.

What suggestions do you have.

Our family thanks you.

~ Denise

[SoHappy]

This is awful! You're obviously living in our house with us and the mess is so bad we haven't even noticed you here!

[towsonmama]

I used to be a WOHM and am now a SAHM mom and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to keep my house clean. It often comes down to a choice-- do I attend to my children or do I attend to the house. I've been going with the kids lately and the house is really suffering. I'm sure there's a happy balance in there somewhere but it's pretty well hidden.

Here are some things I'm hoping to implement in my own household:

*make sure all breakfast, lunch, and snack dishes are done before dinner
*wipe the most egregious crumbs off the table after every meal with a more thorough wipe down at the end of the day
*set up a place to put mail so it doesn't end up on counters or tables and isn't forgotten (we've lost bills before)
*establish a "dumping zone" for backpacks, excursion gear, etc. For me, these have to be purpose-specific. For example, the school stuff goes in a cubby in the kitchen. Gym stuff goes in a nook in my closet. Pool stuff, well, we're working on that.
*make sure toys at least make it back to the room they're supposed to be in if not in the exact proper place

Also, your DD is old enough to participate in the home management. How about giving her a little job, maybe wiping down the table while DH does dishes? With the right approach, she'll probably enjoy it. She can put her stuff away when they come home or at the end of the day, too. Maybe you could make it a game or put on a song that everyone listens to while they clean up from the day's activities.

Just some suggestions. Hope they help! I know a messy home environment can be very stressful. We're struggling here as well.

[EnviroBecca]

We've had some success with this technique: Make a list of small tasks that ideally would be done daily. (Our list is for the kitchen; you might want to make one for another area of the house too.) Hang it next to a sheet of graph paper. Number the tops of the graph paper columns to represent days. When you do one of those tasks, check the box for that day. Over time you'll be able to see how well you're keeping up with some tasks and pat yourselves on the backs, and you'll also see which tasks you need to get to more often.

Also, try the 15-minute cleaning spree: Set a timer (or put on 15 minutes of bouncy music) and everyone spends 15 minutes picking up stuff and putting it away. You can make a surprising difference in that short time!

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by SoHappy

This is awful! You're obviously living in our house with us and the mess is so bad we haven't even noticed you here!

[wannabe]

How about sitting down together and making a list of what needs to be done each day and each week, then helping him figure out some structure to his day so he can get the daily things done. Does he routinely spend mornings or afternoons at home, or is he out all day long?

For example, I do the dishes as my toddler has her lunch. Sure, I only do them once a day which is kind of grose, but I do them every day. I try to do one load of laundry every day or every other day.

A routine doesn't need to be inflexible. Mine is - wake up, have shower (husband has fed toddler), husband goes to work, I look at laundry, put it on if necessary, we play a bit, hang out any laundry (she 'helps') I get her lunch and she eats it while I do the dishes. Then she has a nap. When I come out I clean up her lunch. Afternoons are whatever.

Your daughter can help him with most stuff, too. She can help sort and hang laundry, she can help load and unload the dishwasher. We have a carpet sweeper that my two year old loves to play with that gets us through until we can vacuum properly. She certainly is old enough to know that she helps put all her toys away before her bath.

Doing things while you're there helps, too. Like having a dirty washing basket in the bathroom and the bedroom - where you take dirty clothes off.

The flylady has one really good point - clutter hotspots. Ours is a certain chair that collects coats and bags and the kitchen table which collects mail. I'd look at those spots, too. Like get a basket for mail to go in, and get your husband to throw junk away at the letterbox.

Oh god, I sound like I have a clean/organised house, I don't, honest! but it's kinda clean and periodically neatish.

[Proud6]

I do Flylady..LOL..I know but it does work. I am a SAHM for the moment (32 weeks pregnant with our 6th child). It has been working for me for about the last year. Check it out at FLYLADY.net. It helps get a lil organization in place and alot of tips on decluttering. It has alot of inspirational stories that are funny too.

[Britishmum]

I guess my dh could have written your post, except that he works 5 days a week. He comes home often to the sort of mess that you describe.

I say this gently, but if he were to ask other poeple how to train me to do a better job, I think I'd collapse in tears then give up. It's fairly impossible to keep the sort of house that I'd like, unless I gave up giving quality time and attention to my kids. Now, I do have three kids and two of them are younger, but even so, I think I'd find it challenging with one child.

If dh were to say that he didnt expect to have to do housework on his day off, I'd be pretty irritated. I don't get a 'day off' for 'my' time, I'm always on duty. And I do expect that when my working partner comes home, he's on duty too. The same would be the case if he were female.

I do wonder if the responses to your post would be different if you were a man saying this about his SAH partner?

As for advice, I'd say to lower your expectations and take it all in good part. How about coming home and saying, "Boy, it looks like you guys have had a busy day! How about we all roll up our sleeves and blitz this house together? How about we all tackle the laundry and make it into a race? Who wants to wash the dishes, who wants to dry them?" Then once you've all done the chores, reward yourselves with some time together doing something fun.

Now, I should get back to my own messy house, rather than be sitting here giving someone else advice!!!

[UUMom]

No one person can maintain a home. For one, it's boringboringboring. Did I say **boring*!? For another, kids are not dependable. Some days they nap on schedule, some days they will not nap at all. I would have stabbed my dh if he thought or insisted that I was supposed to keep the children alive , fed and happy, at the same time I was suppsed to keep the toilets clean. Uh, no. Just *no*.

If this is something the adults in the family can't share, for whatever reason, and no shame in the reasons, you all will need to hire someone to clean more than every 5 weeks.


Seems a small price to pay for happy children and happy parents, imo.

[wannabe]

britishmum, I disagree. I think that a person who's at home with a five year old for 40 hours a week can reasonably be expected to do more housework than one who's out of the home for 40 hours a week. A person who's home with a newborn, no WAY! But a five year old - yes.

And I type this as my (WOH) husband's doing the dishes. I plead illness :

UUmum, I don't *think* she's asking that the house be spotless every single day, no matter what, just that there are some things, like wiping the table after meals that she thinks should be done most days, and other things that could be fitted in fairly reasonably through the week.

Feel free to correct me, Denise!

[pinecone]

Wannabe you got it right.

I do not expect for things to be spotless, just not dirty. I think there are tasks that can become routine (ie filling/emptying the dishwasher, sweeping the floor once a day, etc.).

I've had a number of great suggestions though and I've already begun discussions w/ DH about these. First off, we're going to try the 15 minute clean up rule before dinner time. This should be a good transition between day time (dh & dd) and family (mom home from work) time. Then, we'll eat dinner and hang out together as a family.

I feel better and am optimistic things will improve as long as we're willing to work on it.

Thanks to everyone for their tips and advice.

~ denise

[rainyday]

Originally Posted by wannabe

britishmum, I disagree. I think that a person who's at home with a five year old for 40 hours a week can reasonably be expected to do more housework than one who's out of the home for 40 hours a week. A person who's home with a newborn, no WAY! But a five year old - yes.

And I type this as my (WOH) husband's doing the dishes. I plead illness :

UUmum, I don't *think* she's asking that the house be spotless every single day, no matter what, just that there are some things, like wiping the table after meals that she thinks should be done most days, and other things that could be fitted in fairly reasonably through the week.

Feel free to correct me, Denise!

:

That really does sound like more than just a reasonable amount of stuff lying around from a busy day. Instead it sounds like Denise's DH has never learned how to clean up as he goes along, and he may never have even learned to see the mess at all.

I think seeing the mess is key. My DH has been learning over the years to "see" the mess, but he really didn't use to see it. It's taken years of me pointing things out, but now he can see it (and can see it at his family's houses too, but they still don't notice it).

The checklist ideas above are great. I do that myself sometimes.

Also, I do think that Britishmum is right with part of what she said. A housekeeper every 3-5 weeks may not be enough. Would it be financially feasible to get the cleaner to come every two weeks? When someone comes only once a month or so, they are always behind because so much life happens in the intervening month. Every two weeks is a much more reasonable amount of time for deep cleanings, with your DH and you keeping it neater and reasonably clean in between.

For example, I keep the house picked up, and clean the sinks, toilets, floors, and counters, etc. regularly, but we still have a cleaner come every two weeks to do a real mopping and deep cleaning of the house. She gets the dust and things that I don't get around to. I could do it all, but for us it's worth shifting some of that workload to someone else because I do keep pretty busy with DS and keeping the house pretty darn neat and clean in between!

[rainyday]

A couple ideas: When I sweep, I make little piles, and DS uses a dustbuster to suck up the piles. That way we can keep the floor clean despite the amazing quantity of crumbs that DS creates at every meal and snack. It takes about 60 seconds after a meal or snack, and it makes the house look SO much better.

Also, DH and I go through the house after DS goes to bed. We spend 10 or 15 minutes doing a really quick clean up to get the house ready for the next day. That way nothing gets too far gone because nothing piles up over several days.