daughter shaving

[DharmaDisciple]

My daughter is 12 in a few weeks. I guess our relationship has gone downhill since having J 3 yrs ago, E had been with me for 8 yrs and has NOT adjusted to sharing me. I feel I have lost my first born. She doesn't talk to me about anything even though I don't get angry with her, which is what she fears. I have lost her.

Anyay we have just come back from camping and I noticed her legs that she had shaved them. So I asked her about it. She has shaved all of her legs including thighs and all her arm hair on her forearms. She took her dads old blunt razor and she told me she has been shaving for 2 weeks now. She told me all her friends shave and her friend next door (10) her mother waxes her legs and arms for her.

I am crying writing this, this should have been something she discussed with me, yet she chose to keep it a secret. How can I get our relationship back. (I don't shave so I don't know if this had anything to do with her not telling me). How can I encourage her to leave her forearm hair? Or is it a thing that girls now remove all body hair? How can I make her comfortable telling me stuff?...please help

Do I go out with her and buy her a lady razor? What did you do for your daughters and what age did they remove body hair? Did they do it because all their freinds did?

One day she was playing with her dolls and sylvanian families and now she's shaving

[neveryoumindthere]

Re: daughter shaving

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[RileysMom]

I wouldn't get hung up on the shaving, but concentrate on the relationship. It is so normal for girls to get all private at that age and to sort of separate from mom especially.

I think if you can, it would be a really good thing to just say, "hey let's go get you some good stuff so shaving is more comfortable. I don't like to do it *for me*(shave), but here's how you can do it well." Then make a trip to the drug store, let her pick some shave cream, razor and lotion or whatever. You can even say, if you want to try waxing, let me know and we can give it a shot. Then leave it up to her. That would be sort of opening the door and just propping it open so she can come to you if she wants....

I am personally a no body hair person and do my arms and all.

I had thick hair on my arms and legs and started shaving around 9 when I was spending the summer with my aunt and uncle. My dad made a comment when he first noticed it and I remember a) being mortified and b) thinking it was none of his business.

I wouldn't be sooo upset. She's starting to be independent--that doesn't mean you've "lost her". She's a young lady. Just think of it like a rubber band....she stretches away, then will come back, then stretches away, etc.... Don't cut the rubber band just because you feel uncomfortable.

I think it would be good if you tried to anticipate other things like this that you want to share in. For example, if she's not wearing make up yet, talk about it with her in advance. Talk about when she would like to start trying some and agree on when is a good age for what. (My mom said I could wear powder when I started junior high, then we added the other stuff like mascara and what not in high school) Make a fun thing of it so she doesn't feel disapproval. Plan to take her for a shopping trip or even one of those free make overs somewhere so she can learn how to use make up) That kind of thing. Make up is just an example....I'm more thinking of how you can anticipate things you want to participate in and set it up to be successful. Kwim?

[LizD]

My mother flipped out about my shaving when I was nine or so...so I just kept it a secret and was jealous of those girls whose mothers let them do what they wanted. I went through and still go through stages of hirsute and bald conditions. The one thing I always shave even when arms and legs are hairy is bikini hair, except of course when camping. My daughter gets a mixed example, I suppose.

My mother and I are not close. Haven't been since about that time: when I started changing from a little kid into a big girl. I attribute a lot of this to her inappropriate reactions to things like this. And the other kids' moms really *are* letting them do whatever it is, usually.

I sometimes think that parents of pre-/teens need to balance not taking things personally while not appearing uncaring. This is my biggest challenge anyway, and she's only 9!

[DharmaDisciple]

Thanks everyone for all your replies, this has really helped, I will open up a discussion about shaving and then if she feels she wants to continue, then yes that is a great idea to go to the store to buy some proper stuff.

But you are right it is about the relationship that bothers me and something that needs to be worked on- so I am planning things eg cinema trips, hanging out for a pizza, watching movies in the evening when J is in bed and developing our lines of communication.

I kind of wonder if it went downhill when she was about 7-8, I was clinically depressed bringing her up on my own and unfortunately did a lot of shouting and losing it with her, even though I have been sorted for 4 yrs now, maybe she still remembers.- this is what I need to repair really

[Midnight Mom]

This sort of sounds like my 14 yo dd. She is into her friends and her bf. Every once in a while I can still get her to open up really well with me...but it is few and far between.

She also shaves her forearms. I'm so puzzled about it. I've never known anyone to do this. Where did she get this idea? I've tried to tell her it only gonna come back thicker and darker, but she says "I don't care, I don't want it there." She is a shaving mad-woman, an everyday kinda shaver. I shave my legs/underarms maybe twice a week.

Her arm rubbed against mine the other day and the stubble (guess she had let it go for a few days) on the forarm felt horrible. My arms have soft, soft hair on them. I'd NEVER shave them.

[LittlebitsMommy]

I guess I am one of the lucky ones and I thank God everyday for it.I have a very close relationship with my 13 year old daughter.She will be 14 in September.She tells everyone that I am her best friend.She comes to me about everything.I am also the mother that alot of her friends come to with questions.I have always been very open with her about everything she has ever asked.I was only 14 when I got married and 15 when I had her.Yes I am still married to the same wonderful man.But that is a different story.
We had discussed her shaving since she was about 10.There was alot of her friends that shaved that young.She also has a friend that shaves her arms,not sure why.We agreed that she would start shaving when she started her period.SHe started 1 week before her 13th Birthday.So that is when she started shaving.We went out and got her everything she needed.She got to pick her own ravor,shaving cream and lotion.She picked them out but I was a part of it.We made it fun.Plus it was a big day.My baby girl had become a women.
Sorry this got so long.But this what we did and it worked out very well for us.
I hope you can get back the closeness with your daughter.I know it is what you want and I am sure it is what she wants to.

[Kirsten]

I think 12 is a normal time to start shaving your legs. Under arms yes but forearms - ugh... I would want to avoid that but I guess it is her choice.
I agree about taking her out to get some shave gel and razors. She is growing up. I don't know exactly when I started shaving but 12 seems about when it was. Don't think I asked my mom before or made a big announcement about it after. Just did it. I had a great relationship with my mom so don't take offense just because of this. I agree with another poster that this is the beginning of the time when they need more privacy and start to pull back a little.
If you need to mend your relationship, do that but don't cry over shaved legs! If you took a poll, I bet most of us started shaving at that age and not all of us consulted our moms beforehand - I know I didn't.
Kirsten

[rianna]

My 10yo dd went into the bath and came out with her legs and arms shaven!!!! What is a mother to do? I explained why people dont shave their arms and went out and bought her a razor. It makes her feel better about herself.... her father (my ex ex husband) has made many comments about her being hairy and so she has a complex about it. I give her the speach about loving your body and self but she is 10 and feels what she feels so I want to support her.
I just went to a salon with her and had her eyebrows waxed..... she had a unibrow and felt horrible about it. Girls have allot of pressure and as long as we try to give them the right ideas of what beauty is then maybe it will pravail.

[Trishy]

I started shaving around this time and hid it from my mom because I knew she would freak out. I cut the back of my thigh bigtime. I hid it by wearing pants to school the next day and going to see the school nurse who cleaned and dressed it for me. I don't know how to tell you to go about restoring your relationship with your dd but please either buy her an electric razor or teach her how to shave properly so she doesn't injure herself. Oh and I shaved my forearms at first too. Luckily I stopped before the hair started growing in dark.

[mamawanabe]

Interesting that so many of us hid shaving. My mom and I were pretty open, but I shaved for the first time (around 12) at a friend's house and didn't tell my mom for quite a while. I agree it was probably mostly about privacy. It is a little embarassing too, to be doing this grown-up womanly thing when you are still half-kid.

Good luck