It happened to me too!
Oh my gosh!!! I am so happy to find you, because I went through a similar experience!!! I have been looking for similar posts to mine online for a long time but no luck...ironic, I was telling my therapist today I couldn't find similar stories and bingo, I see your post! How ironic, isn't it? Like you, I need to share my story for healing and closure as well. I am so sorry about your experience and I can totally relate to you and your feelings! I'd love to talk with you more via emails, if possible...
I'm so bummed because I typed in my whole story but it turned out I was expired out or the website logged me out. Grr...
I had a second homebirth last summer--a beautiful much wanted baby girl!
My first HB, with a different MW, was awesome--short, beautiful, and joyful.
This time around, a horrible experience with these 2 MW...I still am dealing with the trauma and struggling to find closure. I have been seeing a wonderful therapist since January, and I have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome...no kidding!
The birth itself was great-short and fast. However, the MWs pulled the cord (they were NOT hands-off, as promised) and they didn't let us know what had happened until my DH asked them if they pulled the placenta and they admitted yes. I was hemoraghing fast in the birth tub--the blood was pitch black and my mom knew immediately something was wrong. I felt terrible. The MWs wanted me to push the placenta out after 20 minutes and I was like "I can't yet, just let me enjoy my baby" and they kept urging me to. I stood up and the MW put her hand up there and tried to pull it out. I absolutely had NO desire to push yet. They walked me to my bed and they manually removed the placenta...it was nasty. The clots falling out, all shredded and so forth. Things started to deteroriate very bad from there. They told me I was losing so much blood, but they would administer Pitocin and that hurt like heck! I fainted at the beginning of the newborn exam/champagane toast...and I fainted 5 more times following that. They took me to the bathroom where I laid down on the cold tile floor, trying to breathe via oxygen mask. My mom was so worried, she said I was completely white, my lips were white as my skin. My eyes kept rolling back. She kept trying to wake me up as I fainted repeatedly. I already was anemic that time but was taking the liquids to help...I remember thinking, "Oh, I think we should go to the hospital, I feel awful" and I was so weak I couldn't move. MW kept feeding me crackers. My mom feels horrible guilt for not calling 911 that night because she is trained in medics and she is a police officer herself but MW kept assuring her she was overreacting and I would be fine. I am so saddened about that night, because I lost my precious time with my newborn girl...my husband was the one who held her all night while I was in the bathroom. I missed the first meeting between my firstborn and my newborn...that really hurt. I missed wrapping cloth diaper and nesting with her. That is so painful to deal with...that I lost that first night...it's like a little death.
I kept hemoragghing for the next 4 days. I was literally soaking the sheets everyday. MW kept brushing it off. I had difficulty breathing. That was the worst part of this whole ordeal...not being able to breathe and feeling suffocating. It was so scary. I had two episodes of that and MW would rush over but they lectured me, saying I got out too fast out of my bed to the bathroom. Yeah, right. I couldn't walk without support. I couldn't do anything, except to BF my baby and just watch her. I kept passing huge clots, even one tennis ball sized clot! We called MW and they assured me it was normal! No way.
My mom and my DH were so concerned that MW kept minimizing the situation. After the third episode of not breathing, my DH said "That's it, we're calling 911" and I told him to call MW first and they came over. He handed them the phone and ordered them to call 911. They DIDN'T want to! They said I would be sitting iN ER for hours and hours and it would be a waste. My husband insisted (we are deaf but can speak) and the MW looked at each other and made the call. Parademics arrived within few minutes--miraculously, my brother was on that call! It was not his usual shift but happened to pick it up. It was great balm to have him there. He was stunned. The MW also betrayed me by asking me WHICH hospital to go! They totally backed out of that decision when the parademics asked where to go. The MW kept pushing for this horrible hospital nearest my house and I was adamant that we not go there. We had covered the backup hospital and doctor during my pregnancy and the backup doctor agreed to be there for me if anything happened. But when this really happened, the MW left me in the wind! As I was being carried out on the stretcher, the MW leaned down to me and said I was a drama queen! My mom arrived, and thankfully, she directed the parademics to take me to Abbott.
When I arrived at Abbott, my hgb was down to 3! 3 units of blood transfusions were needed immediately. I was prepped for emergency surgery within 2 hours. It was determided I had retained placenta. I was BF my baby before surgery! I was in shock because of the hemoraghing, low hgb and the doctor said it was a good thing I came in at that time because I could have died. I could have had a heart attack and died. We banished the MW from our room. We were so upset with them.
Surgery lasted 3 hours...complications. Needed another bag of blood transfusion. A big mess of fragments everywhere. Doctor discovered I had a second degree tear (MWs stated I was perfect, with only skid marks after birth but I had thought they examined too long and very secretive that night) so the doctor had to sew me up as well.
It was my first time to be hospitalized. First time to have surgery. First time to be under general anthestic. First time to have IV and catherer. First time to have Pitocin in me for 3 days. Ugh. Before that terrible night, my Dh and I had reviewed the birth/post partum records left at my house and we were surprised with some info and planned to make copies but the MW took the birth records with them when I was taken to the hopsital. When I asked for the copies, they obviously manipulated the records!!! They said I denied bleeding every time they came to see me???!!! They didn't think the situation was serious at all! I did write them a letter voicing my feelings, and they wrote back saying they heard my concerns, and I should see someone. That was it! How appalling. I filed a complaint against them with the Medical Board, so we'll see how the investigation goes, it is supposed to be completed this month.
I feel so much guilt for missing out the wonderful babymoon during my daughter's first month...I know she had people who cared for her they loved her soo much she knew she was loved. But it's hard. I was so weak for 2 months. I try to tell myself she knows me and recognizes me as her Mama and she gets so excited when she sees me
as compared to her as a newborn...but it's so hard. I feel so angry with the MW for robbing me of these precious times and endangering my life since they have 25 years of experience! I am angry with them for pulling the placenta, as they were supposed to be hands-off. I am angry for them for manipulating the records. Because of that, I really struggled about having another baby or not...I thought having a 3rd would give me the power to "reclaim" birth again and say I did have another glorious birth! But ultimately, we chose not to add more children to our brood, unfortunately. I can't go through it again, with the PPH and being so weak for a long time. DO I make any sense? Also to my surprise, I also found out MW had a previous complaint! I thought I had done my homework for each MW...I also feel guilt for not listening to myself during my pregnancy as I knew something would *happen* and bingo, it did. I feel guilt for working with them when I knew I would have been better off with other MW. Let go of the guilt!!!!
I also find myself feeling so emotional as my daughter's 1st birthday approaches...it's the one year anniversary....anyone feel the same way too? My therapist assures me it's normal and it will be hard. I feel so emotional whenever I see a newborn that resembles my daughter at that time, or when I see her birth pictures. I just want to have closure...any suggestions?
I'd love to hear your stories, and I'm so relieved to find this issue about "midwives who are negligent" ...I'm still for homebirth and midwives, despite my MWs...they made a really bad judgment call. I just want to understand why they did that, and I know they were way overloaded with other mommas to be. I just can't believe they put my life at risk and did not do anything. I trusted them and they betrayed me. I read everything about homebirth and techqniues for years before my first pregnancy. I loved reading all about it and watching shows. I loved being pregnant and the magical experience of birth. I was empowered and trusted myself. Now this.
I just want to find a way to be at peace about this whole terrible ordeal. I don't want to be sad every year on my daughter's birthday. Will I always feel sad? I know time and introspect will help...my therapist said 2nd and 3rd year would be better...and thank goodness for her
Thank you for letting me share my story and to "listen"...