Thank you mama's.. I have so much love and support from you.. Thank you jdmcgee. We too share a bond. One that is to similiar. I was too 7mth pregnant, pregnant w/ my second "boy". My sister was 23 mths older than me, we were the best of friends. We would usually talk about 4-5 times each day. Usually so much, our dh's would yell at us, for the long distance phone bill.
I just have a barage of emotions. I'm filled with the "what if's" and the "why's".
What if she wasn't so darn stubborn, and had the tumor removed. What if she choose chemo. What if she wasn't so hard-nosed, to tell your opinion too. Why did she get cancer, why did I live and she didn't. Why is our mother here, alive drinking herself into a stuppor, every night. Why did someone who loved their children so much.. die...
For me "cancer" has changed my life, in so many directions. For now and hopefully forever, I survived. The day I found my tumor I told Amy, and like me we thought it was mastisits (nursing at the time).. It wasn't until I had a test that determined it was cancer. Amy told me, she never cried so much in her life, that she was devastated for me, all along she had a tumor, unknowingly growing in her. My first surgery was on Jan 18, 2006, Amy and the boys actually came down to help take care of my ds.. I actually joked with her and told her she shouldn't come, as "I was going to give her cancer since it was day 10". Now I said this, as I had a friend who was diagnosed w/ colon cancer 10 days before I found my lump, and she was diagnosed 10 days after her other friend was diagnosed w/ a rare nasal cancer.
We both did a ton of research, and she even told me, " just take it out".. But when she found her's she didn't do the same. She listened to a few mama's here, who suggested to leave it in. I remember a conversation we had back in April 2006. She told me she went to a surgeon who said it was probably breast cancer, although it was an "off-shoot" and started in her lymph nodes. Anyone with a basic knowledge of cancer knows that is not good. My jaw dropped when she was delaying treatment. She refused scans. She didn't want the scan "dye" in her. I told her she could do some without, but she didn't want to know. I was in such disbelief with every choice she made, at first I didn't know if she was ignorant about cancer. I asked her "did the surgeon tell you about the outcome was with cancer in your lymph nodes". Amy told me "well it's probably everywhere, and I'm terminal". And like anyone who really knows my sister, you could never give her your opinion. That day in April she told me "I wasn't supportive, and she didn't want to talk about cancer to me".. From this, she didn't talk to me for a few mths. And when we talked again, we didn't talk about cancer.
And sadly, every choice she made, I knew in my heart it would kill her. And I wish I was wrong. I'd rather sit here and look like the biggest fool in the world. From day 1, our family was always devastated, and although every decision was her choice, everyone felt helpless. There were countless times I told family. "you can't force her". But we all thought that maybe there would be a time, when she'd change her mind.
But it was too late. For the past 16 mths, I've heard every story, I've seen how positive she was, and how she truly believed that positive thinking would cure her, and I commend her, I commend her for having that much passion in something. But on the flip side, I saw her going down hill, I read her posts, just shaking my head crying, for months. I saw things she'd tell someone, but then hear the truth. I saw her blast me on her son's webpage. I saw the cancer taking over her body. And my sister was a very persuasive person, my uncle says "she could sell you the car".. We all hoped that what she was telling us was true, and was the cancer being destroyed, but it wasn't.
But on the flip side, I feel like us, her family has so many unanswered questions, questions that will keep with us forever.. All the "why's" on why she did each thing. But then, I think, maybe she knew the answers. There is some closure in talking to family, as Amy has choosen to tell each of us something different. And now with her passing, the puzzle is starting to come together. I think she knew this would kill her, all the little comments she made, that at the time, I couldn't figure out, now they make sense. The day I came up to there house, which was less than 48hrs before her death. I found two letter than she had written to our "step" grandmother, and our aunt. Both had the same tone. Both said that "her cancer journey would be ending soon". Now my sister was a clutter-bug, but both these letters were sitting on her dining room table, untouched and in plain view. Her dh and I would talk about how she didn't know she was dying, but I believe she did.
She died on a Friday, the Wednesday before she decided she wanted to accompany her dh and ds2 for his infusion. Now she was bed-ritten at this point, it took my BIL, 2hrs to get her ready. She made the 1 1/2 hr drive to the hospital, and nursed her son, as she said "he needed the immune boost". As soon as they got back home, she asked her dh to drive her to the local hospital as she needed to get "rehydrated". I was on my way up and meet them there. I think she went to her ds2 infusion, as she wanted to make sure her dh knew what he was doing, I think this was one of the parts of closure for her.
She knew I was coming up, and before I drove up there, I told my dh, that " she's waiting for me to say goodbye". And that's what she did.
But at times it doesn't seem real to me. It's hard to realize she's gone.