Originally Posted by gratefulbambina
Just wanted to check in to see how & how her dh is doing. At least a couple times a day I stop to think about you guys.
Oh thank you, that is very sweet.. Well I haven't spoken to my BIL since last Wed. He and the boys are currently in CA for his brother's wedding.
He and the boys are keeping very busy, and his family is really awesome, and as soon as he returns from his brother's wedding, his brother (groom) is actually going back to VT to be with them for I think 10 days, and then his other brother is flying up from Fla to be with him, once the other brother leaves. And then Matt and the boys will be coming down here to NJ. We are continuing with my "celebration of life party". Originally it was to honor myself, Amy and our two little guys. Now we are honoring us and Amy's life. We have a lot of friends and family who are coming that weren't able to go to her memorial. And Matt and the boys will be there as well.
Otherwise, Matt claims the oldest Aidan (5yr old), is remarkably coping the best. He doesn't want to talk about the death, if someone brings it up, but he will say stuff out of the blue. He says that he's "happy mommy is gone, as she's no longer in pain" And he mentioned that he "wants to die, so he can see her again".. Aidan is a very bright boy, and he has always had the means to articulate his feelings. Owen (2.5yr old) has been very very clingy and whiny, and Matt is having a hard time walking out of a room without him. Matt is still in shock.
I've found that with each day, so far it doesn't get better. I've found like others have said that grief comes in waves. I'll be fine one minute and in tears the next. I've found like clockwork, my body lets go at certain times, ie. car rides. I'm also trying to relax, as now I'm having panic attacks. I try not to think too much about never seeing, or talking, or hearing her voice again, as I'll have an attack. Otherwise I'm not sure how much this will affect me once the babe is here. I'm not sure if I'll be more suceptible to PPD?
Otherwise I need to look into grief counseling. I joined an on-line group, but it's not very helpful.. I also want to find a counselor that will accept my BIL and kids insurance, that way I can do the leg work for him, and then hopefully he'll make the call.
It's only been 3 1/2 wks, but I am so so devastated without her. I always thought we'd re-kindle everything by the time my ds2 was born, and even though I wasn't sure if she could come down for the birth, I knew I'd be on the phone with her for support. I was the first one to be called when both of her children were born, and it was the same for my ds. They were actually the only ones that were allowed to visit me
... Amy was never a punctual person, but boy she raced to the hospital to see me, all tagging alone Matt the boys and food.. It's going to be so so painful to not be able to share my birth with her. I just want her back... There are so many times I wonder how I'm going to get thru my life without her. She was my best friend, and I'm so alone without her. At time it doesn't even seem real. I keep waiting for her to call and say our standard expression.. "yo, what is up"
But I'll never ever talk to her again, and it pains me to realize that..