Clergy spouses--check in here! - Page 5

[smellyann82]

i'm not a clergy wife, but my husband works for the catholic church. he works with 36 parishes in our state helping pastors form working pastoral councils of laypeople. he is also in graduate school for pastoral ministry through a diocesan program. i get frustrated because i constantly feel that the people he works with forget that he has a family. the priests don't have much concept of his at-home responsibilities, and of the 15 or so people in his department, he's the only one with kids younger than high school age. we also struggle financially--we're not destitute, but the lay positions do not pay well, and unless you're a deacon, there are no opportunities for housing assistance or anything similar, and many of the folks who he works with have spouses who work as well, so their social activity abilities are much more plentiful (we just can't afford for him to go out to dinner all the time). thankfully, i married him knowing that he'd do this kind of work, and we both knew what his pay scale would be, but it is challenging for me--that we need to support him as a family, and be alright with rarely having weekends with him and not seeing him many evenings, but that we struggle financially so much AND that dd and i are never welcome at events. there are times when i wish he was a pastor of another denomination or deacon, just so we could be involved in his life. it is challenging. it is also tough for him because his coworkers are scattered throughout the state, so he doesn't have many colleagues, much less young people. most are almost-retirement-aged women. nice ladies, some burnt out, but none at the point that we are.

[pammysue]

Woo Hoo! I am so glad I found this thread!!

DH is a part-time pastor at a non-denominational church (probably closest to Baptist). He has been at this church for six years. He has a master's in Biblical Studies but has a hard time finding churches because he was divorced. He also works part-time as a professor of history and humanities.

Now that we have a son, I really, really want to SAH but am unable b/c with two part-time jobs DH has no benefits and I have to work for insurance (and for additional income).

Our current church is very very small with a very elderly congregation. After repeated attempts to increase attendance, the church is simply not growing. The nice thing about our current congregation is they expect nothing from me. I wear jeans and flip flops to church and since the baby I usually walk in during the first song and I leave early from the fellowship time (which is every Sunday).

DH is currently looking for a full-time pastorship so I can be a SAHM. The problem is any other church is going to have high expectations of me (as it seems you all have experienced). I am an introvert who shies away from social situations and have no heart for hospitality. In fact, I HATE having people over to our house. I am somewhat surprised in the application process, how interested the churches are in ME.

I am excited to go to a church though where there are others my age and other mothers. I definitely want to be involved in the church but as a member and without any additional expectations. I am also nervous about possibly going to a church where my parenting decisions are not accepted. What would I do if DH was called to a Church that taught Babywise!?!?!? YIKES!

This thread is exactly what I need right now as I am trying to prepare my self for being a "real pastor's wife."

[samuelsmom]

Hi! Another ELCA pastor's wife, here. My DH is an associate in his first call... We've been here almost 4 years. I also went to seminary and am all-but-ordained... Just decided it was too much to have 2 pastors in the house at once, LOL! Seriously, I stayed home to be with the kids and I love it.

So nice to meet other clergy-wives here!

[annettemarie]

It makes me happy to see this thread going again!

My DH has off on Friday, which makes homeschooling on Fridays really hard. Anyone else deal with this?

[theretohere]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

It makes me happy to see this thread going again!

My DH has off on Friday, which makes homeschooling on Fridays really hard. Anyone else deal with this?

We do. Especially since Friday is also the run into the big town to shop day. We take it off, as well as Saturday, then do homeschooling Sunday afternoon while DH is teaching catechesis and the youth.

[annettemarie]

I'd never thought of Sundays. I think the kids would rebel. We end up back at church around 4 for choir and then stay for dinner with the youth group.

[samuelsmom]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

I'd never thought of Sundays. I think the kids would rebel. We end up back at church around 4 for choir and then stay for dinner with the youth group.

My DH takes Thursdays off. He actually does the teaching on Thursday mornings to give me a break and do some Christian-ed with Sam. He's great that way...then we usually do some fun field trip in the afternoons and have fun together. I don't know if your dh would want to do something like that, but it's working well for us right now.

[theretohere]

Originally Posted by samuelsmom

My DH takes Thursdays off. He actually does the teaching on Thursday mornings to give me a break and do some Christian-ed with Sam. He's great that way...then we usually do some fun field trip in the afternoons and have fun together. I don't know if your dh would want to do something like that, but it's working well for us right now.

Your DH teaches Christian Ed to the kids? So far it's been left up to me, and I'm wondering how that works in everyone's families.

[SheBear]

An Open Letter to Sister Out-Of-Line:

Dear Sister,

Please do not ever again attempt to undermine my parenting decisions in front of my children. Particularly not when I'm. Standing. Right. There.

I promise you this: I will not just let it go.

Also? Do not grab my daughter by the arm and yank her in the other direction when she is going to sit down where I told her to sit! In fact, don't grab her, period. Seeing my daughter flinch away from your hurtful fingers brings out my Inner Bear, and that's when things are going to turn ugly really fast...let's just not even go there.

If you don't think she should sit where I have told her to sit, then you have ONE acceptable option: tell ME. Preferably in a non-rude way, in a private setting, but I'll leave those details to you. After you have told me, I will consider your words, and then dh and I will decide what WE think is best. Not you. You had your chance to raise your own kids (and we won't even get into how well you did based on outcomes ) but you do not have permission to make parenting decisions for my children. Ever. Non-negotiable.

You don't have to like me, or agree with me, or even respect me. I could care less--I'm not seeking your approval (perhaps that's what bothers you?). But you DO have to respect my God-given authority to make parenting decisions for my child. Which means you need to back off. Now.

That is all.

Sincerely,

Your Friendly Pastor's Wife

PS....also not a good idea to tell me after the service that "I just don't understand why you won't let your lovely daughter sit with you in church, because she needs to be with her mother, and you need to commit to keeping her beside you in church, and I'm just so concerned about you missing out on that special closeness......." Respectfully, Bullcrap. You don't have a clue about which you speak.

1) my daughter is always welcome to sit with me in church.
2) she is also welcome to sit with Sister B (older lady who is like a gma to my kids).
3) Sister B enjoys having Maggie sit beside her, and it is a great help to me since I am dealing with an infant and a potty-learning 2yo, and since I can't rely on help from my husband during services.
4) my husband and I have made GREAT sacrifices in lifestyle so that I can stay home and raise my kids 7 days a week. OTOH, when your sons were children, you chose to have a high-stress career and pretty much--as you have told me yourself, numerous times--let your MIL raise your kids. Now, I'm not going to judge your choice, because it's none of my business. But I think perhaps you should think twice before you insinuate that I don't spend enough time, or enough quality time, with my children.
5) whether my daughter sits with me or with Sister B, it is NOT your business. So stay out of it. Simple, n'est-ce pas?
6) my children get all of me, every day of the week. The special priviledge of sitting with Sister B during church does not equate with me neglecting the physical, emotional or spiritual needs of my daughter. When you get a chance, look up the word "preposterous."
7) do not EVER question my devotion to my children. Just. Don't.

[annettemarie]

Whoa, Sarah. That is over-the-top intense. I think I would really, really lose it. You doing OK?

[pammysue]

Originally Posted by SheBear

Also? Do not grab my daughter by the arm and yank her in the other direction when she is going to sit down where I told her to sit! In fact, don't grab her, period. Seeing my daughter flinch away from your hurtful fingers brings out my Inner Bear, and that's when things are going to turn ugly really fast...let's just not even go there.

Oh no! That is not ok!! I am so mad just reading your post. I am sorry you are having such a hard time with this person!

[theretohere]

Originally Posted by pammysue

Woo Hoo! I am so glad I found this thread!!

DH is a part-time pastor at a non-denominational church (probably closest to Baptist). He has been at this church for six years. He has a master's in Biblical Studies but has a hard time finding churches because he was divorced. He also works part-time as a professor of history and humanities.

Now that we have a son, I really, really want to SAH but am unable b/c with two part-time jobs DH has no benefits and I have to work for insurance (and for additional income).

Our current church is very very small with a very elderly congregation. After repeated attempts to increase attendance, the church is simply not growing. The nice thing about our current congregation is they expect nothing from me. I wear jeans and flip flops to church and since the baby I usually walk in during the first song and I leave early from the fellowship time (which is every Sunday).

DH is currently looking for a full-time pastorship so I can be a SAHM. The problem is any other church is going to have high expectations of me (as it seems you all have experienced). I am an introvert who shies away from social situations and have no heart for hospitality. In fact, I HATE having people over to our house. I am somewhat surprised in the application process, how interested the churches are in ME.

I am excited to go to a church though where there are others my age and other mothers. I definitely want to be involved in the church but as a member and without any additional expectations. I am also nervous about possibly going to a church where my parenting decisions are not accepted. What would I do if DH was called to a Church that taught Babywise!?!?!? YIKES!

This thread is exactly what I need right now as I am trying to prepare my self for being a "real pastor's wife."

It IS hard. And people do expect a lot. It's also hard to know where the line is between your personal boundaries and not hindering your husband.

[annettemarie]

I'm an introvert who doesn't do hospitality gracefully either. It is hard. Kind of makes you wonder if when God is calling the pastors, he forgets about the pastors' wives.

[SheBear]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Whoa, Sarah. That is over-the-top intense. I think I would really, really lose it. You doing OK?

Originally Posted by pammysue

Oh no! That is not ok!! I am so mad just reading your post. I am sorry you are having such a hard time with this person!

Thanks, ladies! Sorry to just spew that out all over everyone--hope you were wearing raincoats! I was actually going to come on here tonight and delete it, since it was really off-topic and I'd sorta hijacked the thread with it.

But since you are all so sweet, it's just more of the same stuff that started happening a year ago (I posted about it waaaay upthread, like around post #36) where certain people who just loooooove being a "family integrated worship" church in theory, are discovering that the reality of it is just too inconvenient for them--how dare we to ask them to make accomodations for (gasp!) children??

So anyway, that issue is rearing it's ugly head again, and the worst part is, it's starting to affect more families than just ours. Last time, the complaint was limited to just our kid, but now some other parents with young children have been made to feel unwelcome. Dh feels like he was too soft on the issue before---he felt uncomfortable addressing it too directly because it felt a bit....self-serving, I guess. Like he was using the pulpit as a platform to promote his own agenda, his own family's comfort at the expense of others, if that makes sense. But now that it is obvious that it is a problem that is growing and spreading, he is feeling quite fired up about it! In fact, that incident happened at the begining of service Wed. night, and he totally abandoned his prepared sermon for one that was rather pointed!

Anyway, if any good has come of it, it has been that it is becoming quite clear to us that dh's work here is coming to a close, and we are being led somewhere else. And before, when I thought about saying goodbye to everyone here, it was difficult to imagine, and I felt like I was ripping part of my heart out. Now.....well, there are many people that I will miss terribly! But overall, I just feel such a sense of peace.....and dh does, too! Wish i could pack up a few people and move them with us, but....LOL!

It's just becoming clear that dh's time here is done. I am praying that whoever comes after him will continue to lead the church in the direction that he has been leading it, because I would hate to see his careful work gone to waste. I'd hate to see the young families leave because they aren't made to feel welcome after we leave....I don't *think* it will get to that point, but then again, I never in a million years would have thought that such a scene as happened Wed. night would have happened, either!!

People never cease to amaze me....Shame that most of this is stemming from the deacon--and now his wife--because obviously they are in a position of leadership/influence in the congregation.

Anyway, if you could offer a few prayers regarding our potential move (which we are hoping will happen between now and Jan, probably during the semester break (dh's secular job is with the public school system). We could sure use them! (and now, back to your regularly scheduled thread...)

[Maggirayne]

Wow, Sarah, what a er, um, a nasty lady. Some people make me want to leave church and hide in the woods.

I hope things go well for you and your DH leaving. I feel bad the yound families left tho'. People who abuse their authority in church really tick me off.

I will be praying for your family and your move.

[ebethmom]

I'm so glad to have found this thread! My dh is a United Methodist pastor. Right now he's serving two small churches. Both churches are full of loving, welcoming people who enjoy each other and appreciate our family. That is such a far cry from what we endured in our previous churches! I truly believe that God sent us to these churches to heal.

In the 10 (almost 11 years) of our marriage, we've had four different appointments. The first and the current have been good. The two in the middle were mostly miserable! I honestly didn't think we would survive the last church. It was just a hateful place. They claim that the KKK has left that community, but the seed of hate that they planted is still flourishing.

Both of the churches where we struggled had rigid ideas of what a pastor's wife was supposed to do for them. They wanted a free associate pastor, social chairperson and music minister. Um, sorry.

One person actually met with my husband in his office to tell him that "the group" of church ladies thought that I was far too concerned with my career and not doing enough for the church. In another setting, the Staff Parrish commitee told my dh that they were upset that he hadn't asked them if we could homeschool our children.

We're very glad to be where we are now! I still long for a shorter commute to my work. I have hopes that we'll get moved closer to my work and family. But for now, I'm just glad to be with friendly folks.

[pammysue]

Originally Posted by ebethmom

In another setting, the Staff Parrish commitee told my dh that they were upset that he hadn't asked them if we could homeschool our children.

I'm confused; they wanted him to ask their permission?

[samuelsmom]

Originally Posted by pammysue

I'm confused; they wanted him to ask their permission?

That doesn't surprise me...Luckily no one has said anything so far about us homeschooling (at least not to our faces, lol!)...

[mommaduck]

Hubby isn't a minister yet. He's been involved with inner city ministry and is heading to seminary next summer

[annettemarie]

Originally Posted by mommaduck

Hubby isn't a minister yet. He's been involved with inner city ministry and is heading to seminary next summer

Bless your heart, you need all kinds of special seminarian prayers then.

Mamas, I am turning off my pooter so I pay attention to my kids. Have a beautiful day!