Help! Tandem nursing not working.

[margaritamama]

I have a 3.5 yr old high needs ds and a newborn (11 days old now). Up until the baby was born, my 3.5 yr old slept with me. He nursed to sleep at night and at nap time and would nurse in the mornings and sometimes during the day.

Now the baby has changed everything! My husband is sleeping with my 3.5 yr old because when the baby wakes up or has a diaper change he starts crying so loudly, he wakes up my son. I am sleeping with the baby in another room by myself. I still have been nursing ds to sleep before bed and nap but it is tricky. If the baby is wanting to nurse, I always wait until he is finished before I nurse my ds. And this means postponing his nap or bedtime until I am done. This has caused him to skip/ have a late nap and on some nights he has gone to bed an hour or more later.

Tonight my dh and I talked about how this isn't working because he just isn't getting enough sleep. So my dh tried to make ds lie down with him until I was done nursing the baby in hopes that he would go to sleep without me. He screamed I don't want Daddy I want mommy I want "milka" (his name for nursing) over and over again. (And I have to say that my ds loves his daddy. They get along very well. ) My dh carried him into the room where they have been sleeping but he didn't stay there long. After a while he came out and sat on the bed with me while I nursed the baby. I tried turning the light out and having him lie down next to me but he just got up and turned it back on. I tried to talk to him about it but he was just too tired. He kept saying/screaming the same thing, I don't want Daddy I want mommy I want "milka" .

To make matters worse, my ds uses his teeth whenever he nurses. He says he can't nurse without his teeth even though I have tried to coach him and teach him otherwise. He started this bad habit when his 2 year molars were coming in and also throughout my pregnancy.It didn't bother me as much then. Now his toothy latch and the baby nursing all the time has made my nipples so raw. Sometimes my milk will not come down for the baby because it is so painful and I can't relax.

What should I do? I can't keep this up. My ds is tired all the time making the situation that much worse. But weaning him now sounds so cold! I know that since his baby brother came he could use the comfort even more than before.

Any advice from others who have nursed in tandem?
Thanks!

[ewe+lamb]

OH this is hard - first of all I think you need some of these . I understand that your ds is HN, however, hurting mom is not an option and unfortunately you need to be firm on this one otherwise it can also jeopardise your nursing relationship with your wee one - he knows how to change the latch-on you've explained all that, now he needs to work at 'helping' you - little ones love to 'help' so maybe you can say that by changing his latch he's helping you - a nursing relationship isn't giving all of yourself to your child it is a give/take relationship on BOTH sides, he can understand, work on this gently and I'm sure he'll manage - I nursed my dd with my ds for 18 months and the first few months are hard - she was just turning 3 when ds arrived, and sometimes I was a bit hard on her too, but our natural instincts are to protect our new born. I found the helping thing really worked - going and choosing which nappy she would bring to 'help' change the bb etc, putting her shoes on herself things like that.

Can you nurse ds before dh reading him a story so that he still has his 'milka' before bed but you can leave to put bb down? Or is is at all possible that dh could bathe the bb or do something with bb whilst you keep your ds at his usual bedtime? I actually nursed both at the same time, the bigger one can usually do some sort of gymnastics to get what they want - is that at all possible? I don't like saying to kids that they can't come into a room, but I have done on occassion when dd was keeping ds awake by talking, putting lights on and off etc, if she came in she had to understand that ds was asleep and therefore lights were off and it is quiet time - it all takes some getting used to. When bb is asleep can you give ds a little 'special time' together, play doh, taking a bath or shower together, so that he knows that he still has you and that he hasn't lost you - I think he's grasping onto his old routine because of the baby - almost pretending as if bb isn't there - could that be possible? I'm just talking off the top of my head so please don't take offense - just rambling and seeing if something sounds familiar. I think you need to reassure him that you love him just as much as before but some things have to change a little with the arrival of his sibling. Goodness, you are doing great, it's such an enormous change for all of you and sometimes we need almost to take a step back and look at it from a different angle. You're doing great, it'll all pass and you'll have a continued and fantastic relationship with both your kids, it's just hard sometimes and I really do understand. So lots more hugs and let us know how you are getting on.

[Damala]

I really like all the suggestions from ewe+lamb and agree that you are doing a wonderful job mama. It was really hard for me and DD1 adjusting to our new LO during those first few months. I was/am committed to CLW but felt that I wasn't going to be able to handle it. How can I possible keep doing this? with tears on both our parts. Still with extra love and understanding for all of us, it has gotten better. Hang in there.