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I seriously fear my ability to nurse another baby....

post #1 of 47
Thread Starter 
... because by the time my daughter weaned, I HATED breastfeeding her with an absolute passion. And it is SO HARD to say that.

I was on abx during her (otherwise unmedicated) hospital birth, which resulted in us dealing with thrush for over four months. I trucked through it, never feeling that there was any other option. Really, we got through that OK. I think what did me in is that she had zero interest in any sort of solids until she was almost 11 months old. I started offering solids (first home made baby food, then things like avo, banana, yogurt, then store bought food) when she was around 6.5 months old and everything was either spit out or she gagged and vomited. So obviously, she wasn't ready until she became interested. We never gave her EBM in a bottle, so for the first 11 months of her life she was to the "purest" definition of the phrase Exclusively Breastfed. We also never used a pacifier, and she often comfort nursed for hours on end.

We started night weaning around a year, which I thought would help with my frustration, but I got to the point that nursing her literally made me want to jump out of my skin (or out the window). We really (positively) never had latch issues- her latch was always perfect, but I really, really, really could not stand the sensation of her nursing by around 15 months. We weaned when she was down to around twice a day by 17 months and when I seriously just couldn't handle even 30 seconds of it.

I had originally planned to let her self-wean, so for a while I felt like a miserable failure. In retrospect, I'm quite proud of how far we made it and honestly don't see myself nursing any of my future kids past 18-24ish months, it's definitely what feels right for me/my family.

But since then ANY nipple stimulation makes me nauseous... my husband touching them, clothes rubbing against them, my daughter grazing them while climbing on me, anything. I am trying to be positive and think good thoughts about it and get excited about nursing the new baby, but honestly I am dreading it and am totally afraid that I simply won't be able to do it. I really do not want to be an exlusive pumper- I want our nursing relationship to be a sucessful one. We are UCing, but I have a local midwife who is willing to be a lactation consultant for me after the birth if needed.

PLEASE help!
post #2 of 47
You can do it! You weaned your dd at the hardest part. It gets better from there. A LOT better.

-Angela
post #3 of 47
I don't have any suggestions, but I just want to say thanks for being so honest about your feelings and reactions. I was an exclusive pumper for 11 months, and my dp is just bummed because even though I stopped pumping about 4 months ago, I just can't stand him touching my nipples. I don't want any kind of stimulation either. I just cringe and freeze up. Anyway, I hope lots of moms have good advice for you. I hope when the new baby comes, the whole hormonal thing will make you motivated and feel positive about nursing. I hear prolactin is very relaxing...anyway just best wishes to you.
post #4 of 47
Sounds so hard and I have no advice except I would eliminate comfort nursing and possibly introduce a pacifier. I know they are a big no-no, but if doing so will make you a happier mom and allow you to nurse, I think it would have a role and value. Good luck.
post #5 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by anewmama View Post
Sounds so hard and I have no advice except I would eliminate comfort nursing and possibly introduce a pacifier. I know they are a big no-no, but if doing so will make you a happier mom and allow you to nurse, I think it would have a role and value. Good luck.
Comfort nursing establishes supply.

-Angela
post #6 of 47
beinbg also pregant.

I am wondering if the adversion you have to nipple stim NOW is just the pregant thing.... a lot of moms who are nurseing through pregancy feel "creepy crawly" while nurseing, and I know i don't like latch on and while i get joy form nurseinghim, it is NOT the same as it was before that home test turned pos

I am wondering if

1. you are focuseing on the NEG of the last time... the thrush, the feeling overwelmed at 2 hours nurseing sessions.

2. you are feeling anxious about two kids, and the nurseing conmittment to baby while older child to care for too

3, the pregancy horomons are making your breast anti-touch.

I have faith you can get over all this -- and have a GREAT nurseing relationship

Aimee
post #7 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna View Post
Comfort nursing establishes supply.

-Angela
I didn't read that she had a real supply issue. But I would think that she could maintain supply with a few pumping sessions rather than long irritating nursing sessions. I just don't think that's healthy for anyone to be doing something that is so irritating and depressing. It seemed like she was looking for ways to make it an easier experience so she could breastfeed and I would have to say that would be one area I would eliminate. I comfort nurse and it hasn't helped my supply a whole lot (we struggle with just making enough) so I don't think it's a given that comfort nursing is necessarily a means to establish supply for everyone.
post #8 of 47
Thread Starter 
I never had any supply problems- at one point while a friend of mine was trying to relactate (around when my daughter was 6 months) I was also pumping enough to feed her 7 month old HALF of what she consumed).

I'm not a fan of pacifiers but I'm certainly not ruling one out this time around if it's going to give me the ability to maintain my sanity to nurse my baby to at least a year.
post #9 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by anewmama View Post
so I don't think it's a given that comfort nursing is necessarily a means to establish supply for everyone.
It may not be, but non-breast sucking IS a way to lose supply...

-Angela
post #10 of 47
I think your sanity is something extremely important to protect particularly as you will be caring for two children. Pacifiers might not be great and I personally have not used them, but there may be a time and a place. On the otherhand, you never know how your new baby will be. My 8 week old has discovered sucking on her hand so she has a way of comforting herself and I don't feel the need for long comfort nursing sessions. I mostly comfort nurse when I want to lie down for a nap. She nurses while I nap and it helps her doze off, too.
post #11 of 47
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna View Post
It may not be, but non-breast sucking IS a way to lose supply...

-Angela
I'm looking for support, I'm not looking for criticism of how I may or may not handle this. I'm well aware of the risks to my supply by using a pacifier, which I haven't even decided to use yet, and wouldn't until my supply and our nursing relationship was well established. I'm just looking for support on GETTING it established in the first place.
post #12 of 47
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aimee21972 View Post
beinbg also pregant.

I am wondering if the adversion you have to nipple stim NOW is just the pregant thing.... a lot of moms who are nurseing through pregancy feel "creepy crawly" while nurseing, and I know i don't like latch on and while i get joy form nurseinghim, it is NOT the same as it was before that home test turned pos

I am wondering if

1. you are focuseing on the NEG of the last time... the thrush, the feeling overwelmed at 2 hours nurseing sessions.

2. you are feeling anxious about two kids, and the nurseing conmittment to baby while older child to care for too

3, the pregancy horomons are making your breast anti-touch.

I have faith you can get over all this -- and have a GREAT nurseing relationship

Aimee
I never nursed while pregnant, she weaned at 17 months and a few months before we started TTC, but "creepy crawly" explains it very well. I would grit my teeth and tap my feet and eventually it got to the point that after nursing 30 seconds I was in tears I hated it so much (and that would be the day I stopped!).

I do agree that part of my current nipple touch phobia is because of normal sensativity due to my pregnancy, but I'm pretty sure I felt almost as strongly before I was pregnant.
post #13 of 47
I felt the same way when I was pregnant with ds, and I didn't have a bad experience with dd at all (except latch issues/incredible pain), and she self weaned! Talk about feeling like a jerk. I can't say this will happen for you, but when ds was born, it went away completely. I had spent most of the pregnancy feeling doomed, because I knew I wouldn't ff, but I really didn't feel like I wanted to bf, and when he was born it was like I had never had a negative thought at all.

I still don't see me nursing ds for a full two years. I'm still squicked out by the thought of nursing an older toddler. I might get over that too, but if I don't, I'm not going to waste time feeling bad about it.

Hoping everything works out for you.
post #14 of 47
Thread Starter 
That is very reassuring, thank you. <3
post #15 of 47
Quote:
I didn't read that she had a real supply issue. But I would think that she could maintain supply with a few pumping sessions rather than long irritating nursing sessions. I just don't think that's healthy for anyone to be doing something that is so irritating and depressing. It seemed like she was looking for ways to make it an easier experience so she could breastfeed and I would have to say that would be one area I would eliminate.
The discussionof BF is for the next baby -- the current child is totally weaned... thus she will be re-establishing supply "from scratch" like any first time mom. Thus -- each and every nurseing session will be importnat. Not like me, still nurseing my 19 month old while pregant, i COULD, likly, cut him back to save mental health if need be and pump in place.

But since this is a new baby ... it is starting over and every chance to put the baby to the breast is needed.

AND

I think with the new baby -- it will be like starting over... minus the thrush.... and the bad feelings will not be as much of an issues as you fear. I think your body will RESET as it were and the nipple stuff will be fine.

Now -- i found learning to relax and jsut BE when nurseing hard after we fianlly learned to nurse well -- at first it required so much thought and effort i was ok with it -- it was simulatiing, you know, but i had a time when it was hard for me to jsut sit and be and nurse.....it was a real learning expereince of mother hood for me..........................sooooooooo peronsialty things, or whatever, like THAT may still bug you -- the "tied down" feelings.. mentally.... that you are going to have to find a way around....maybe nurse in a carrier so you don't feel you are contactnly stopping you day?? something

Quote:
I still don't see me nursing ds for a full two years. I'm still squicked out by the thought of nursing an older toddler. I might get over that too, but if I don't, I'm not going to waste time feeling bad about it.
for what it is worth.........i find that "normal" or "confortable" gorws with the child I generally always knew i would nurse till 2....i NEVER thought I would nurse pregant or tandam nurse...now i amm nurseing pregant and proud of every day DS sticks with me. I see the abby coming at his 2nd birthday and know he will keep it up... not sure we will totally CLW, but as he grows, i do too and we might just do that...never thought we do what we are doing now, and never thought i'd be sooooooo jazzed to TN... i don't say "never" any more

AImee
post #16 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aimee21972 View Post
The discussionof BF is for the next baby -- the current child is totally weaned... thus she will be re-establishing supply "from scratch" like any first time mom. Thus -- each and every nurseing session will be importnat. Not like me, still nurseing my 19 month old while pregant, i COULD, likly, cut him back to save mental health if need be and pump in place.

But since this is a new baby ... it is starting over and every chance to put the baby to the breast is needed.

AND

I think with the new baby -- it will be like starting over... minus the thrush.... and the bad feelings will not be as much of an issues as you fear. I think your body will RESET as it were and the nipple stuff will be fine.

I did not read anything in her post that necessarily indicated worries about being able to BF as in supply issues or what not. AND I know she was talking about the next baby.

What I DID read was the stress of nursing, having grown to hate it at the end of last baby and basically still having those feelings and about to start all over with a new baby. And in summarizing her previous experience, I assumed she was thinking it would have to be the same way all over again. And to that I was suggesting she take one piece out if it lessened the burden. I was suggesting she give herself permission to not do the hours of comfort nursing beyond the basic nursing sessions needed to maintain a "basic" supply and feed her baby.

I also picked up from her writing that she would was looking for suggestions and support beyond having established her basic nursing relationship which I assumed she knew how to do having been there already.

There is NOTHING that says one has to comfort nurse to be a successful nurser. One could still nurse every 1.5- 2 hours give or take while meeting at least the minimum of 8 times in a 24 hour period without having to feel that to be a good mom and a successful breastfeeder you have to HAVE a baby permanently attached at the boob beyond that.

Editing to add: Though I said "successful" nurser, what I meant was a success at breastfeeding where supply isn't an issue. I meant that as long as supply isn't an issue, you can still be a great mother and be doing a great job of breastfeeding without nursing for hours on end if it's not needed.
post #17 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by anewmama View Post
There is NOTHING that says one has to comfort nurse to be a successful nurser. One could still nurse every 1.5- 2 hours give or take while meeting at least the minimum of 8 times in a 24 hour period without having to feel that to be a good mom and a successful breastfeeder you have to HAVE a baby permanently attached at the boob beyond that.

For many women the "comfort nursing" as you call it is CRITICAL to an adequate supply.

-Angela
post #18 of 47
Angela, my comment is in response to this one woman, not everywoman, and she stated she does not have a supply issue. Geesh.

And you ARE right about nursing often to help supply. That is why _I_ spend about 2-3 hours in the morning dozing and comfort nursing, or just nursing, my baby because _I_ do struggle with a supply issue so I am well aware of what some women need to do to keep things going or even get things going. I also spend as much time of constant nursing in the afternoon as well for that very reason AND I pump and we are just barely making it.
post #19 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna View Post
For many women the "comfort nursing" as you call it is CRITICAL to an adequate supply.

-Angela
No one is disagreeing with you about this but that is not the point of this thread. The OP has serious mental roadblocks to breastfeeding, not physical. Her production/supply is not the issue. I am sure she knows all this but wants some comfort on how she can overcome her fear/anxiety over breastfeeding her baby. A good supply is great but not helpful if you dislike, fear or worse yet absolutely hate the idea of BF.

To OP- Keep strong mama! The suggestions from the PP have been good. It sounds like you genuinely are trying. You do what you have to in order for it to work and dont feel guilty about it!
post #20 of 47
I want to offer support too!

My first daughter was a nursing maniac which was horrible those first few months when combined with poor latch. I would not have made it those first eight weeks except for my total belief that I was not going to formula feed and the support of DH. Things became comfortable for me after a few months and were wonderful until about 18 months when I had similar feelings to you. I began to dread the feeling of nursing. I weaned her for my own sanity at about 2 1/4 years old when I was about 3 months pregnant with DD2 and just had to have a break between the two children. I loved NOT nursing for those six months .

My second daughter is totally different. She likes nursing but rarely comfort nurses. She doesn't want to be nursed to sleep. She doesn't take a pacifier (and believe me, after DD1 I had them with me in the hospital ready to go!). I didn't have latch problems or sore cracked bleeding nipples. I've had a little trouble with plugged ducts because she doesn't nurse all the time but I'll take that any day over the lack of sleep from nursing all night. So, I hope your second child is different in this way. I love nursing again and I hope that feeling lasts another year or more. Good luck!
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