Tips on being supportive of a "medicated" or csection birth:) - Page 3

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Finch

I think the point every body here is trying to reiterate is that you should follow the mother's lead on how she feels about the birth, and validate those feelings, whatever they may be.

:
Absolutely. It's easy to jump to conclusions about how she's feeling or how you (me/whomever) would be feeling in her place. But, it's how she is actually feeling that counts when trying to support her.

[mightymoo]

frogmamaslings - Your sisters experience so far sounds a lot like my own. I wanted a birth center birth so badly, I went overdue (2.5 weeks!) and ultimately had to be induced with pitocin. I was so determined to have a natural birth but at the point they got that pitocin up to a useful level (after 24 hours), my uterus clamped down and I experienced the worst most torturous pain I have ever had in my life. I call it the 45 minute contraction from hell. I still can't believe I survived 45 minutes of that before calling in the drugs. I never got anywhere and ultimately had a c/section.

I was disappointed, sure. But I also knew every step of the way that the right decision had been made. I was in control as much as I could have been and I was happy with the choices that were made. I'm sorry those were the choices I had to choose from sure, but I don't look back and regret what I did. What I experienced was not normal labor and I didn't feel bad that I gave in to the drugs - it was unendurable.

I like the previous posters advice to go along with how she feels about the birth and focus on the baby! If she's disappointed, she'll tell you that, but she may also feel relieved, felt she made the right choice to choose pain medications - as you aren't/weren't there you can't know what her experience was and the best way to help her is to accept what she says and empathize with her whether it is happiness or sadness.

[annekevdbroek]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

If she does have a c-section, I strongly recommend being very careful about using the terms "c-birth", "cesarean birth", "belly birth", etc. Some women feel much better when they feel that their experience is being recognized as a birth. Some women, like me, feel that their experience is being further dismissed. The above terms set my teeth on edge, and it really pisses me off when someone uses them with respect to my experiences...just one more way of saying that my reality isn't real. Try to find out how she feels about that first...

I strongly agree with this. It is "birth" plain and simple - for the same reason that we don't refer to someone as our "jewish friend" or our "Chinese friend" or whatever.

[savvybabygrace]

I think the very most important thing to remember is to never ever say anything along the lines of "At least you have a healthy baby" if the mama is expressing feelings of inadequacy or unhappiness about the c-section. After my section, that is all I heard from well-meaning family and friends...and I still hear it to this day.

edited:sorry, rushed to post this and didn't see the above comments related to this commonly used phrase

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by annekevdbroek

I strongly agree with this. It is "birth" plain and simple - for the same reason that we don't refer to someone as our "jewish friend" or our "Chinese friend" or whatever.

Yes - but I meant the exact opposite. Someone can refer to my surgeries as "birth"...once. After that, I'll have made it clear that they're being offensive, and if they continue to use that terminology, I'll have to assume that their concern is with something other than providing me with support. For other women, that's different.

[intorainbowz]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Yes - but I meant the exact opposite. Someone can refer to my surgeries as "birth"...once. After that, I'll have made it clear that they're being offensive, and if they continue to use that terminology, I'll have to assume that their concern is with something other than providing me with support. For other women, that's different.

And I'm the exact oposite... for me to refer to my birth as anything but a birth is offensive to me.

Storm Bride and I disagree on what we call it, but I think we agree that whatever the mom wants to call hers, is what you should call it... and to do otherwise is highly disrespectful.

If she wants to call it mumbeldy peg... that's what I'd suggest that you call it for her.

[tlfoster15]

wow I checked back this morning thanks so much for all the advice- I am going back now to read it all- Good news though my sis delivered her baby with no further intervention about 4 hours later and so far is nursing great. This question I am glad I asked because it does seem to come up a lot, and I am unsure what to say.

[courtenay_e]

Wonderful! I am so glad that it turned out well! Congratulations, on the new baby, Auntie!

[tlfoster15]

oh wow...
It was great actually hearing from all the sides, my other sister has had 2 c sections the first after a long labor and the second scheduled, She has seemed happy with her choice and we had kind of clashed some on that It was good to remember that it is her body and if she is happy with it, just to validate her. I had a friend when I had my first baby who had a baby at the same time and had an emergancy c section, she was really depressed about it and had many of the feelings that have been discussed here, I think I probably said the "well its a healthy baby thing" and didn't validate her, I am so glad I asked this question so I will be better prepared in the future
side note my sis had a baby boy 9lbs 14oz 21inches long

[HarperRose]

Originally Posted by frogmamaslings

wow I checked back this morning thanks so much for all the advice- I am going back now to read it all- Good news though my sis delivered her baby with no further intervention about 4 hours later and so far is nursing great. This question I am glad I asked because it does seem to come up a lot, and I am unsure what to say.

Oh GOOD!!!!

[HarperRose]

Originally Posted by frogmamaslings

side note my sis had a baby boy 9lbs 14oz 21inches long

: My ds, vaginal delivery in a hospital w/ plenty of interventions, was 9lb 8oz, 21.5 inches long. Then my sil had a 9lb 3 oz 21 in baby boy c/s. Something about them being over 9 lbs (and nearly 10 in your sister's case!!!) is just mind boggling.

I'm so glad things went ok for her! Congratulations!!!

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by frogmamaslings

wow I checked back this morning thanks so much for all the advice- I am going back now to read it all- Good news though my sis delivered her baby with no further intervention about 4 hours later and so far is nursing great. This question I am glad I asked because it does seem to come up a lot, and I am unsure what to say.

Congrats to her and her great big boy!

[mightymoo]

Congratulations to your sis!

It's funny how different perspectives can be - 9lbs 14oz seems small to me! (But then mine were 10.5 and 11!)

[GenomicsGirl]

Congratulations Auntie! Glad to hear that her birth went well

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by intorainbowz

Storm Bride and I disagree on what we call it, but I think we agree that whatever the mom wants to call hers, is what you should call it... and to do otherwise is highly disrespectful.

:

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by frogmamaslings

wow I checked back this morning thanks so much for all the advice- I am going back now to read it all- Good news though my sis delivered her baby with no further intervention about 4 hours later and so far is nursing great. This question I am glad I asked because it does seem to come up a lot, and I am unsure what to say.

Congratulations, Auntie Frog.

I hope everything continues to go well for your sister and your new nephew.

[Collinsky]

Congratulations Auntie, and to your sis as well. Wonderful news!!

[turtlewomyn]

Originally Posted by Martha_2sons

One piece of advice that I've gotten, that I think is good, is to refer to a c/s as a cesarean BIRTH.

I was coerced into a scheduled c-section for fetal macrosomia (9lb8.5oz) and I hate it, absolutely hate it whenever anyone refers to the arrival of my child as a cesarean "birth" I did not get to give birth to my child, sure she was born, but I did not get to give birth to her. That right was robbed from me. I know every woman feels different about this, so I think anyone discussing a c-section with a mom who had one should follow her lead on it.

To the original OP: Follow your sisters lead. She may just be so enthralled at the arrival of her new babe, that she won't care too much at first, or she could be wiped out and exhausted and not want to ever go through that experience again. She may take a while and want to rehash her labor and birth experience later. Or, she may feel that all the interventions were necessary, and be fine with it.

Of course, I now see that your new nephew has arrived and it seems to be going pretty well. I hope that your sister has a great babymoon.

[mamazee]

I don't think I've ever visited a new mother without her telling me about her birth on her own, without my prompting. I wait until the mom says something, and then I use active listening and let her know that I care about how she feels. If she's happy about her birth experience, regardless of whether I think it might have been able to have been done differently, I let her know I'm happy for her and I celebrate with her. If she's unhappy (and I've known moms who have been very unhappy about their birth experiences and who have cried when they talk about it) I empathize with her and let her know that she and her feelings matter.

[Quindin]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Nothing? Thanks. I'll be sure to let my kids know that having a mother who can't take care of them post-op, and who spent their entire childhoods fighting to be a mom, instead of just slicing her wrists so she could forget the OR, doesn't matter.

It's also very nice to know that my healthy babies are the important thing...maybe I should just off myself, since I'm not important, anyway.

I can honestly say that I never expected to see the vile "a healthy baby is all that matters" crap here on MDC.

Wow! Just chill, will you?

What I was trying to say is that my sister feels happier when she tries to focus on what comes AFTER the babies were born since the births were not good experiences for us.

I did not mean to say that what other people feel is insignificant! I just did not come across like I wanted, I guess. What I meant to say is that there is no point in making women who did not have a chance to give birth naturally feel bad, but to support them instead. I have seen many women go on and on about how perfect their natural births were and how much of a loss people who had a c-section had - and then hurt their feelings in the process.

Originally Posted by prothyraia

You said "The few hours of labour are nothing", "that motherhood is "what really matters", and that "the important thing" is the baby's health".

You didn't imply, you out and out said that Birth/Labor is "nothing". You implied that they "don't really matter" like motherhood does, and that "the important thing" is baby's health, leaving no room for mom's birth experience to be important as well.

No, she did not - I did (though not exactly as you put t) And I am realizing that I just messed it all up coming across in a way I did not intend to!! I was just trying to cheer up people who have not had the chance or who may never had the chance to have a natural birth! I have seen so many women being ridicularized and mocked for not having done it the natural way - my sister for example. She was feeling so bad about it and it was not her choice. What I try to tell her is that she is a wonderful mom and the birth experiences were just a small part of the whole process and to love herself for her great achievements. She likes to hear that and thanked me many times - and I was just writing about it! Not saying that other moms' experiences are unimportant or anything like that.

It just all came across all wrong - crap for cyber conversations!! :

FYI - I am against c-sections and I have birthed 4 babies 100% naturally (next one will be a homebirth).