Did we do the right thing?

[LilMamiBella]

My son(8) and daughter(5) just started day camp on Monday. I just had a baby and thought the day camp would be great way for them get out of the house and have fun. Anyway, yesterday I received a call from the director of the camp. She was calling about my son. She said that Wednesday he pushed a kid and the father came in to complain about it. She said that she told him that it cannot push, hit, kick, etc or he'd have to go home. Well, 10-15 minutes later he kicked a girl because she wouldn't stop bothering him. He said he told the counselor that the girl was bothering him. I think he said that the counselor would talk to the girl. So my Dh had to go pick him up from camp. It started at 9 and he was picked up around 11:30. The director wanted to know if we were going to punish him. She also said that if he misbehaved today that he could no longer go to camp. He has adhd. He misbehaves a lot with me but he's really good for Dh. I think that him going home early Thursday was punishment enough. We did talk to him and tell him that if he has a problem with someone he needs to tell a grown-up and let them handle it. He also should not kick, hit, bite,etc etc. He always "forgets" when I tell him to quit being loud, or stop bugging your sister,etc. I don't want him to be kicked out of camp. I do understand and agree that I would not want someone hitting my kid. I just wish he could control himself more. Do you think we should have punished him more? Take away movie night? We're so new to positive discipline. I was very surprised that dh did not spank ds. But he calmly talked to him about it. He also went to work with Dh. I'm sure that wasn't very fun lol

[LilyGrace]

I'll play mean mommy here. Your son is 8. That is old enough to realize that when you hurt people, you cannot be around them. It is not allowed. If you choose to be violent, you choose to be removed from the situation.

I wouldn't say anything more about it, but if he is kicked out of camp, well, then he is kicked out of camp. It is a logical consequence to his actions and a lesson to be filed away for later.

[edamommy]

if he has adhd, punishment might not "work" at all. He needs to learn self-control and different reactions...

[LilMamiBella]

Originally Posted by edamommy

if he has adhd, punishment might not "work" at all. He needs to learn self-control and different reactions...

How can I help him learn self control? Is there a book I can read? This is something we have a really hard time with.

[PikkuMyy]

I'll come back and reply later, but I agree that having to leave camp and come home IS punishment. And it's nice and natural and logical. People don't want to be around you if you hurt them. I'm very glad to hear that your DH didn't spank him. Because "I'm going to hit you because you hit someone at camp" does NOT make sense in ANY way. I've found that the families I've worked with who use corporal punishment for kids with behavioral issues only make the problem worse.

[LynnS6]

Does the camp know that he has ADHD? If not, they should.

In addition to telling an adult, tell him to MOVE HIS BODY so the other kids can't touch him. That will also mean he can't touch the other kids , and it will give him something else to do other than focus on the other kids.

Kids like your son are prime candidates for being bullied/picked on, because they 'react' so nicely for the other kids. then the adults see him lashing out and don't see the things that precipitate it. I'd recommend reading: The Bully, The Bullied and the Bystander.

I agree that going home early is punishment enough. If the camp asks you can say truthfully "we've dealt with this at home." You have. You brought him home. You talked to him.

You might try reading The Explosive Child and Parenting the Explosive Child to see if those help you.

[mamaduck]

I agree with the pp's, and think you handled it great.

As for the director, I've learned that when my views are very different from someone in this sort of role, it is critical to carry myself with confidence and state my boundaries very clearly. Its not appropriate for he to ask if you punished him further. And its not necessary for you to defend your actions. I would simply say, "We have handled it to our satisfaction." Period. Her rules, her way -- at school. Your rules, your way -- at home. Now OTOH, if this is someone you have a lot of respect for, who you think you can learn from, and who you want advice and support from -- then I would respond differently -- more openly. Only you can figure that out.

As far as teaching your son different reactions, I suggest you post in the special needs forum for specific advice and book recs. from parents who deal with this all the time.

My children are not ADHD, however -- I have worked with them to change reactions by making plans for "next time" and role playing "what you can do instead." If you want to eliminate a negative behavior, you need to replace it with a positive behavior. Its not enough to say, "Don't push." You need to teach, "Use your words instead. What can you say next time? Let's practice that." Which is hard to do with a highly distractable kid, but I think you still can do it.

Its very important to practice and role play though -- even if it feels a little silly. First because it gets them involved and engaged, and second because it helps them to rehearse during a time that is not tense or stressful. So then when things do get tense and stressful, they have already formulated and practiced what to say, and its easier to pull out that tool.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I'm with Mamaduck on this one. You did the right thing with your son, you need to sent boundaries in place with the camp director, and you need to give your son tools for handling the situation next time. You need to make sure camp is aware of your son's ADHD. If he is on medication, you might want to check to make sure he is getting what he needs at camp.

While you are talking to the camp director, make sure that the supervision level is good for your son's group. If someone is bothering him, how did camp intervene? If they didn't notice, why not? How did the counselors interact with your son before and after the incident? These will all help you figure out what to tell your son to do next time. But moving away from whoever is bothering him is a great first step.

I think that being sent home is a perfectly natural consequence and the right response from the camp. Being dismissed from the week if it happens again would also be appropriate, IMHO. Gentle discipline doesn't mean no consequences, especially for older children. It does mean that consequences need to be sensible and respectful. Removing him from the other kids at camp is natural because they can't allow other children to be harmed. And if they can't trust him to keep himself and others safe, then he shouldn't be allowed to come back.