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HAPPY update to "Would you let her keep the child"

post #1 of 147
Thread Starter 
Grandma just stopped by with good news!

Her grand daughter gave up her baby for adoption to a family that she chose. An elementary school P.E teacher and her husband They have adopted two other boys and the new baby will have brothers. The teenager is very excited to have been able to choose the family.

She picked the family she most wished she had grown up in, and wanted that for her child. (tissues please)

Everybody is pleased with her choice.

The teenager WILL be going to a group home in a few weeks, she is in a juvenile hall facility right now. Then she's off to a girl's home that is waaaaaaay across town, so she and her boyfriend will not be able to see each other for a while.

I hope this is the help she needs.
post #2 of 147
It sounds like the baby will get the loving and stable home that she deserves. I hope the teen mom gets the same too. Such difficult decisions that no "child" should have to make.
post #3 of 147
I'm sorry but that doesn't sound particularly happy for either of them. It sounds like a terrible loss.
post #4 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
I'm sorry but that doesn't sound particularly happy for either of them. It sounds like a terrible loss.


Perhaps we can split the difference and call it bitter sweet. We know nothing about how open or closed the adoption is nor the girl's feeling towards it. One can hope that this is at least a new beginning for the young mother (once a mommy, always a mommy in my book...) and gentle, stable and loving home for the baby
post #5 of 147
I think that is wonderful. As sad as it might seem, that child couldn't raise a baby in a healthy enviroment-regardless of how much she loves the child etc. To say that it sounds sad is just plain mean. The baby is going to a
MUCH healthier place, the birth mom is delighted with the family and now she has a chance to grow up and become a healthy adult. Just because the baby is not raised with her doesn't mean it is sad. Just because the birth mom is there, it doesn't mean she is qualified for the job. Good for her to have the strength to let go!
post #6 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
I'm sorry but that doesn't sound particularly happy for either of them. It sounds like a terrible loss.
:
post #7 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
The teenager is very excited to have been able to choose the family.

She picked the family she most wished she had grown up in, and wanted that for her child.
That's the part that pushes it to the happy side.
post #8 of 147
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
I'm sorry but that doesn't sound particularly happy for either of them. It sounds like a terrible loss.
ReallY? I don't see how you can say that. If she continues to raise her child, when she herself can't even get her own life together, what kind of life would this baby have? (The baby's life is important too) He would be about four-ish when Mom ages out of foster care. Then where would they go?

You have to remember, this teenager's entire family is a complete mess. There is NOBODY to take this girl and her son in. Sure, there should be somobody who can fix her problems... but, life doesn't work that way.

So, this way, she is in a secured facility for at least a few weeks or months. When she leaves there, she will go to a girls home, where there is at least a little security. She will have a lot less opportunity to sneak out.

She doesn't belong in foster care. She needs a locked door to keep her safe inside. Hopefully this will give her a chance to focus on recreating herself. When she leaves, she can be whoever she has decided she wants to be.

I am not saying it will be a wonderful experience and she will come out of it ready for college. But, I hope it is a good experience, and I hope she can continue her education. At least high school. (she needs to re-do 8th grade)

As for the baby, he has a stable family who WANTS him. She teaches P.E and is home with all three boys during the summer. He will have a good life, I am sure of it. His mother CHOSE them out of many choices. She wanted them.

I think this is one of the first mature, loving choices she has made, and I am proud of her.
post #9 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
I'm sorry but that doesn't sound particularly happy for either of them. It sounds like a terrible loss.
I agree. It's too bad the teacher couldn't have adopted the teenager and let her keep her own baby (helping her raise the child, but not taking over). Now THAT would have been a happy update.
post #10 of 147
I feel bad for the teen mom. It seems like everyone who wants to adopt wants a baby, not an older child/teen. She must feel a total sense of loss by giving up her baby, and not being adopted herself. However, I am glad that the teen mom got to choose the adoptive parents of the baby. At least she had *some* say in the matter. Was she heavily pressured into putting up her baby for adoption, I wonder? Poor mom also now can't see her bf, who is/was probably her only support. : I hope that the baby has a good life growing up. I really hope that the mom gets some help so she can have a somewhat normal life, too.
post #11 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
I agree. It's too bad the teacher couldn't have adopted the teenager and let her keep her own baby (helping her raise the child, but not taking over). Now THAT would have been a happy update.

that's what would of been happy...i don't see anyone "giving up" their child being a happy thing...maybe i'm jaded b/c i've read about forced adoption...
post #12 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
ReallY? I don't see how you can say that.
I say it because I believe that both the mother and her child will experience a tremendous amount of pain from being separated from one another. I think it is absolutely tragic that instead of someone taking in both of them, she was forced to surrender (allowing her to choose his new caregivers doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things, and I find it hard to believe that she came to the decision to surrender without a lot of pressure).

Quote:
As for the baby, he has a stable family who WANTS him. She teaches P.E and is home with all three boys during the summer. He will have a good life, I am sure of it. His mother CHOSE them out of many choices. She wanted them.
1. According to your original post, his mother wanted him as well.
2. His mother chose these particular adopters out of several options -- but SHE should have been the first and most encouraged choice to raise her own child.
3. This little boy will certainly have a different life, but that doesn't necessarily mean better. All any of us really know is that it will be different, and that he is not off to the best start.
post #13 of 147
I don't mean to be confrontational, really I don't, but I'm having enormous amounts of trouble understanding why you would be so anti-adoption. There are too many variables to assume that any situation will automatically be better than another, but I don't think that a mother's love trumps all. (And in this case the mother's love was coupled with a severe lack of focus at best.) The mother chose to place her baby and chose its home. I'm sorry for her loss, but I feel it's likely that stable mature parents will be a better support system for an infant than a little girl would.
post #14 of 147
I think it might be helpful to understanding the situation if people would remember what this young mother's actions have been as late. Go back and read the previous thread. I did. We all know how crucial the early years are. Heck, reading through the other thread, it said this is a family cycle. Wonder why? Keeping them together would have been a good thing... IF she was showing any signs of wanting to make better choices. I'm all for trying to keep the mother and baby together but not at all cost.

She sounds like an angry out of control teen with no fathoming of consequences. At 13 with her background, who can blame her. It can be very difficult to help someone who does not want to be helped. Maybe she will pull it together in a few years. How long must her baby wait until she can be well? Would it be better if he was being shuffled through the foster care system? He has now what is said to be a stable home and parents. That's a good thing, no?

Once again, I do think this sounds like it is probably a more open adoption. She picked his intended parents, knows their names and facts about them. I guess I'd like to think it is so she can still have some contact as she matures. This may be the only good choice she's made in awhile, given the circumstances. In this case, adoption maybe the best choice. Not what would be ideal, just maybe as good as it is going to get.
post #15 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by GooeyRN View Post
I feel bad for the teen mom. It seems like everyone who wants to adopt wants a baby, not an older child/teen. She must feel a total sense of loss by giving up her baby, and not being adopted herself. However, I am glad that the teen mom got to choose the adoptive parents of the baby. At least she had *some* say in the matter. Was she heavily pressured into putting up her baby for adoption, I wonder? Poor mom also now can't see her bf, who is/was probably her only support. : I hope that the baby has a good life growing up. I really hope that the mom gets some help so she can have a somewhat normal life, too.
I agree. Also, I want to point out that not everyone wants to adopt babies or younger kids, we adopted a 17yo (almost finalized) We actually only wanted school age or older when we were on the foster/adopt journey.
post #16 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by grisandole View Post
I agree. Also, I want to point out that not everyone wants to adopt babies or younger kids, we adopted a 17yo (almost finalized) We actually only wanted school age or older when we were on the foster/adopt journey.
Cool! You are the first person I *knew* that adopted an older child that wasn't related to them or their dp.
post #17 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
I'm sorry but that doesn't sound particularly happy for either of them. It sounds like a terrible loss.
I'm leaning towards this side of the fence, too. I'm not anti-adoption at all, but from the original thread, I remember the girl wanting her baby. I don't really see it as her fault that her life is pretty messy, considering what her family is like. It's a shame that she is now severely punished as a result.

Hopefully it is an open adoption and the mother doesn't come to regret this choice in later years.

Best wishes for the baby!!
post #18 of 147
I have some things to note and add to this discussion... Some of you are arguing that she should have been able to keep the baby just because it was hers. What were you like at 13? If I were serious about being a parent at that age I would not be sneaking off at night assuming that my great grandmother was looking after my child. My brother is 13 and I worry more about the music that he listens to than I do about him becoming a parent, and we had HORRIBLE parents. Having a bad home life is no excuse for this type of behavior at any age. Another woman pretty much stated that the girl was a mommy and that took precedence over everything. In my opinion you earn the title of mommy. My mother had a similar past and gave birth to me at 16. She was hooked on meth from my birth until 2 years ago. BTW I am 21 now, and have 2 little brothers that she/I "raised" I had to grow up to save my brothers and I was only 7, what is the difference between that and becoming a birth mother at 13. JLM is my birth mother, but the foster mother who took me in is my mom. In my experience when I was put into foster care at age 12 I was given the chance to change and I was given the stable parents that I had always needed. I was a hellion with no boss, but I changed. I would not blame the foster parents for giving up, there is only so much that you can handle. It was up to her to want to change for the sake of herself and her child. If she was continuing to act out then obviously she did not want to change. It sounds like she only wanted to play mommy, but didn't want the responsability. I can understand her needing a lot of support to be able to care for her baby, but stealing her foster parents car to go for a joy ride with a 12 year old?? UNACCEPTABLE :
post #19 of 147
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
I'm sorry but that doesn't sound particularly happy for either of them. It sounds like a terrible loss.
This. Thank you.
post #20 of 147
Yes, it's sad for all concerned, but the baby will get a stable and loving home.

There's a difference between a generic teen keeping a baby and this particular teen - she's a a highly unstable 13 year old (barely a teenager!), with no parenting models, highly angry, and a greater need to fulfill her own needs/desires than care for her baby. Is it her 'fault'? No. But honestly, does she have the capacity to care for this child? how many years of this baby's life should be sacrificed while she gets her act together? Some teens become capable parents. This child (she really is still a child) had the deck stacked completely against her in terms of being a decent parent.

The girl will get a chance to be in a safe environment where she might get enough stability to get a handle on her life. Her child will be in a safe environment where he can grow.

Maybe they will both break the terrible cycle their family has put them in. I can only pray.

I'm having a hard time believing how anti-adoption people are. I know 4 kids who have been adopted through open adoptions. They are in contact with their birth parents occasionally. They have that avenue open. They also have incredibly caring and capable parents who were unable to have biological children.
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