Hi,
I don't know if this is in the right place, so move it if it's not.
I wanted to debrief on my failure to BF. It is still killing me. I hurt so bad, i feel awful.
:
DD was born at home. She fed like a champ. We were so good at it, so in love with it and each other. It was great. From 6 weeks her dad gave her 1 bottle of EBM a day and this caused us no hassles - i pumped while he fed and our freezer had milk for 2 weeks stored in it.
Things started to go wrong with my body right after birth. I lost weight, i mean ALOT of weight, all my baby weight was gone by day 4 post partum, and i was 40lbs lighter than that 8 weeks later. My thyroid gland went toxic then, in response, my immune system attacked it. Hashimoto's is pre-disposed in my family and i developed it by 4 months post partum.
Things in my relationship were already wrong when she came. My then-DP was VERY unsupportive and unhelpful and used to wait until i was nursing to start fights (like coming to tell me he was going to go to his friends and smoke hash and he'd be back the next evening, or maybe the day after) because he knew i wouldn't argue then.
When she was 8 weeks old we split up, well, he moved "officially" to the spare room where he had been sleeping more or less since her birth because he was angry that he was woken in the night and annoyed that i co-slept because i needed SOME rest and he refused to help with her in the night. He then made my life an utter misery for 2 more months. During this time i pooled resources, withdrew savings and sought, found and moved to a new flat with my DD.
DD saw her dad every day (still does - we thrashed it out and managed to stay a family if not a couple) and he had her overnight once a week, for which he needed 4 or 5 feeds of EBM. I think because of his repeated attacks when i was BFing and pumping, by the time i moved out i got no let-down for the pump anymore. I could get 60-80mls but it took 45-60 minutes and my nipples were permanently bruised. It was a manual and i wanted to get an electric but i'd spent all my savings escaping and XP refused to help with it. XP continually "forgot" to freeze the milk i gave him so it had to be thrown away and soon the freezer was empty and it was getting harder and harder for me to express.
By then i was very thin and my supply had begun to drop. I fed every 2 hours, i drank RLT, i took various herbs. Nothing helped. DD dropped a curve every month from 8 weeks on (born on the 50th %tile). I developed a large painful goiter. My joints began to hurt, some mornings i found it hard to open my bra for DD, i couldn't grip the string to open my blinds. I slept 14-16 hours in every 24 but i was still exhausted. I saw doctors. They took bloods and told me i'd need to be medicated for life. I got 2nd, 3rd, 4th opinions. They all told me to stop BFing and take the medication.
I fought it. There came the day when there was no more EBM and little enough BM that even i'd gotten let down there was nothing (i had hand-expressed too and even this was getting nothing. My breasts were loose and smooth no beautiful knots of milk even after a long sleep). I went to the store, bought some FF and cried all the way home. XP used formula from then on. I gave one bottle of FF a day so her belly could be more used to it, rather than getting it once a week for 24 hours. As soon as i started to give her a bottle she stopped wanting to suckle me. My letdown was sluggish and my supply was low and she was hungry and impatient. I spend mon-fri in bed with her trying to up my supply 3 weeks in a row. Nothing worked.
By 6 months i was giving her FF for all but 3 feeds a day. She started to hysterically refuse the breast. I saw LLL people, an LC, went to groups, talked to people. Everyone said i should take the meds and wean her. I didn't want to.
One day, when she was nearly 7 months old, my dad was visiting. DD wanted to play. I was laying on the sofa. I could not get up. I have never felt so ill, so low, so exhausted in my whole life. My dad said to me, gently, "Is all day playing alone worth her 2 breastfeeds? How ill will you get before you take the meds?" and i just started to cry. The day she was 7 months, when she woke for her 5am BF (the only BF she had a day by then), i brought her into bed with me, pulled her to my chest, and slipped her thumb into her mouth instead of my nipple. She fell blissfully back to sleep - shows how much milk i had, she wasn't expecting anything anyway
In the days and weeks after weaning i lost no breastsize, they stayed the same, so i assume i had no milk anyway?
I then held off for 3 months, trying to let my body recover, to avoid the medication-for-life and the complications it would bring in the future. I got even sicker, i couldn't really swallow anymore without a lot of pain. I lost even more weight. I gave in, and i took the meds.
I feel so much better now, healthwise. My goiter is gone. 7 hours sleep a night is fine, i have ENERGY. DD is 14 months and has been on cowsmilk from 12 months. She is fed fresh organic foods, no junk. I can and do play with her all day. We go to museums and libraries, toddler groups and parks. We sing and laugh together. She is beautiful, perfect, and i love her with all my soul. We bath together, every night i rock her to sleep in my arms and we have retained some of the BFing closeness.
I failed her. I cheated her out of 5 months of breastmilk. It was hard, yes, but i was hanging on, maybe i COULD have gotten better. Maybe not but i feel so guilty about stopping BFing. WHat the f*ck did i do to my child? Even now i look up relactation (i still have a few drops-despite trying for a few weeks, never enough to pump to add to her cup wth the cowsmilk) and offer her the breast (she looks at me like i'm a freak and runs off lol). I can never make it up to her. I feel awful. Even if i have babies in the future and make sure it all goes well and manage to BF them right i will never get this time with my DD back.
I know i need to deal with this, let it go, it's bad for us for me to go on seeing things like this...it's just so hard.
I feel i have failed as a mother. I should have done better.
Thanks for reading.
B
I don't know if this is in the right place, so move it if it's not.
I wanted to debrief on my failure to BF. It is still killing me. I hurt so bad, i feel awful.
:DD was born at home. She fed like a champ. We were so good at it, so in love with it and each other. It was great. From 6 weeks her dad gave her 1 bottle of EBM a day and this caused us no hassles - i pumped while he fed and our freezer had milk for 2 weeks stored in it.
Things started to go wrong with my body right after birth. I lost weight, i mean ALOT of weight, all my baby weight was gone by day 4 post partum, and i was 40lbs lighter than that 8 weeks later. My thyroid gland went toxic then, in response, my immune system attacked it. Hashimoto's is pre-disposed in my family and i developed it by 4 months post partum.
Things in my relationship were already wrong when she came. My then-DP was VERY unsupportive and unhelpful and used to wait until i was nursing to start fights (like coming to tell me he was going to go to his friends and smoke hash and he'd be back the next evening, or maybe the day after) because he knew i wouldn't argue then.
When she was 8 weeks old we split up, well, he moved "officially" to the spare room where he had been sleeping more or less since her birth because he was angry that he was woken in the night and annoyed that i co-slept because i needed SOME rest and he refused to help with her in the night. He then made my life an utter misery for 2 more months. During this time i pooled resources, withdrew savings and sought, found and moved to a new flat with my DD.DD saw her dad every day (still does - we thrashed it out and managed to stay a family if not a couple) and he had her overnight once a week, for which he needed 4 or 5 feeds of EBM. I think because of his repeated attacks when i was BFing and pumping, by the time i moved out i got no let-down for the pump anymore. I could get 60-80mls but it took 45-60 minutes and my nipples were permanently bruised. It was a manual and i wanted to get an electric but i'd spent all my savings escaping and XP refused to help with it. XP continually "forgot" to freeze the milk i gave him so it had to be thrown away and soon the freezer was empty and it was getting harder and harder for me to express.
By then i was very thin and my supply had begun to drop. I fed every 2 hours, i drank RLT, i took various herbs. Nothing helped. DD dropped a curve every month from 8 weeks on (born on the 50th %tile). I developed a large painful goiter. My joints began to hurt, some mornings i found it hard to open my bra for DD, i couldn't grip the string to open my blinds. I slept 14-16 hours in every 24 but i was still exhausted. I saw doctors. They took bloods and told me i'd need to be medicated for life. I got 2nd, 3rd, 4th opinions. They all told me to stop BFing and take the medication.
I fought it. There came the day when there was no more EBM and little enough BM that even i'd gotten let down there was nothing (i had hand-expressed too and even this was getting nothing. My breasts were loose and smooth no beautiful knots of milk even after a long sleep). I went to the store, bought some FF and cried all the way home. XP used formula from then on. I gave one bottle of FF a day so her belly could be more used to it, rather than getting it once a week for 24 hours. As soon as i started to give her a bottle she stopped wanting to suckle me. My letdown was sluggish and my supply was low and she was hungry and impatient. I spend mon-fri in bed with her trying to up my supply 3 weeks in a row. Nothing worked.
By 6 months i was giving her FF for all but 3 feeds a day. She started to hysterically refuse the breast. I saw LLL people, an LC, went to groups, talked to people. Everyone said i should take the meds and wean her. I didn't want to.
One day, when she was nearly 7 months old, my dad was visiting. DD wanted to play. I was laying on the sofa. I could not get up. I have never felt so ill, so low, so exhausted in my whole life. My dad said to me, gently, "Is all day playing alone worth her 2 breastfeeds? How ill will you get before you take the meds?" and i just started to cry. The day she was 7 months, when she woke for her 5am BF (the only BF she had a day by then), i brought her into bed with me, pulled her to my chest, and slipped her thumb into her mouth instead of my nipple. She fell blissfully back to sleep - shows how much milk i had, she wasn't expecting anything anyway
In the days and weeks after weaning i lost no breastsize, they stayed the same, so i assume i had no milk anyway?I then held off for 3 months, trying to let my body recover, to avoid the medication-for-life and the complications it would bring in the future. I got even sicker, i couldn't really swallow anymore without a lot of pain. I lost even more weight. I gave in, and i took the meds.
I feel so much better now, healthwise. My goiter is gone. 7 hours sleep a night is fine, i have ENERGY. DD is 14 months and has been on cowsmilk from 12 months. She is fed fresh organic foods, no junk. I can and do play with her all day. We go to museums and libraries, toddler groups and parks. We sing and laugh together. She is beautiful, perfect, and i love her with all my soul. We bath together, every night i rock her to sleep in my arms and we have retained some of the BFing closeness.
I failed her. I cheated her out of 5 months of breastmilk. It was hard, yes, but i was hanging on, maybe i COULD have gotten better. Maybe not but i feel so guilty about stopping BFing. WHat the f*ck did i do to my child? Even now i look up relactation (i still have a few drops-despite trying for a few weeks, never enough to pump to add to her cup wth the cowsmilk) and offer her the breast (she looks at me like i'm a freak and runs off lol). I can never make it up to her. I feel awful. Even if i have babies in the future and make sure it all goes well and manage to BF them right i will never get this time with my DD back.
I know i need to deal with this, let it go, it's bad for us for me to go on seeing things like this...it's just so hard.
I feel i have failed as a mother. I should have done better.
Thanks for reading.
B
