Looks like my dad is going to crash my HB - VENT

[MollyandCleo]

I'm due tomorrow, and my father just informed me yesterday that he is going to be attending the birth. This is kind of news to me, what with him not being invited and all. I told him that I would prefer not to have him there, but he just said it means a lot to him so he's coming anyway. And it is his grandchild after all, so of course what he wants is more important than my comfort at my own birth in my own home. (Please be sure to read that last sentence with all the sarcasm you can muster.) I'm so upset about this. I'm a private person, and to me birth is
kind of an intimate thing -- not some big show. Basically, I'm not inviting him for the same reasons he wasn't invited to the baby's conception, KWIM? And he's not the kind of person to just sit back and stay out of the way. He wants to hear the baby's first cry, which means a) he's going to be lurking outside the door of where ever I'm having the baby, and b) I'm going to have to make sure it's a door that locks, to make sure he doesn't barge in at a crucial moment. Excuse me, but I think I shouldn't have to barricade myself in my own home in order to feel comfortable and safe enough to give birth. And I know he's going to feel like he has to have some long meaningful man-to-man talk with DH right in the middle of things. Not to mention that he is an utterly tactless person, and I will have to spend the next 20 years (or however long he lives) listening to him "joke" about the sounds I made in labor. (Which is something he has been doing with regard to my sister in law ever since their first child was born 6 years ago.)

Oh, and he's bringing his dog, which will cause our dog to freak out even more. Not to mention that the dog has a history of trouble with toddlers, so it is bound to be a problem with DD. Why is he doing this? Clearly, it's BECAUSE I NEED MORE STRESS!!!!

It sucks because I want my mom to be there, but what with them living in the same place, I'm worried that there's no way to keep him away if she comes. Even if she takes her own car, he'll just come up in his. That is it's own problem, depending on the time of day, since he takes some serious painkillers and mental medicines that make him worse than drunk. He has the judgement and maturity of a 5 year old though, so that wouldn't stop him from getting behind the wheel. He's done it before. Pulled up at our house with his car all scratched and one wheel flat from running off the road multiple times.

I don't know what to do. I'm toying with just arranging for DH's mom to come watch DD, but that doesn't seem fair to my mom, and its not fair to me since I want her there, too.

DH is going to call him in the morning. Maybe he'll listen to him, since he sure as hell won't listen to me about it.

Sorry to vent. I'm just so frustrated that my wishes aren't being respected and that I have to prepare myself for my hospitality and privacy to be violated. Sigh.

[boheime]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you want your mother there, but I think in this situation, not having her there would be worth not having him there, yk?

Who invites themself and their dog to someone else's birth???:

[Juvysen]

I'm so upset about this. I'm a private person, and to me birth is
kind of an intimate thing -- not some big show. Basically, I'm not inviting him for the same reasons he wasn't invited to the baby's conception, KWIM?

I think you should say this to him straight out. MAKE IT CLEAR TO HIM THAT HE'S NOT INVITED, and not only that, but it's not at ALL appropriate for him to be there. I'm sorry you're dealing with this crap. Maybe just don't tell him when you go into labor, either, just to make sure.

[awallrising]

Mollyandcleo- This is a situation where you or someone else (Like DH) needs to tell Dad that he is not invited. There should only be people at your birth that you want there. It's not a spectator sport & if you are uncomfortable, your birth experience will be hampered.

Having someone (who is being totally clueless) have some hurt feelings is not nearly as bad as you having a "bad" birth experience or going thru extra hours of labor b/c you are uncomfortable.

You could simply say that birth is an intimate experience and that you only want DH & the MW (or whomever) there. In fact, tell him that your MW does not recommend extra people around, if you need to take the onus off of you. Tell him you will call him as soon as you are ready to introduce his grandchild to him. If you can't do it, have someone else do it for you. Or like the PP, Dad doesn't even need to know that your in labor. In fact no one but the major players need to know, right?

Stick to your guns. This is your baby & your life & you deserve to have the birth experience that you want. Good luck!

[MollyandCleo]

Thanks for the support. I'm glad to hear that I'm not evil or selfish for wanting to control my birth experience. My DH is going to call today and sort it out. (Keeping my fingers crossed that it goes well....)

[momto l&a]

Not from your birth month, saw this on the new posts.

If you are using a mw make sure to tell her you dont want him there. She will deal with it. Tell her what you have posted here about him so she knows whats she dealing with.

You need to stand up for yourself and inform your father HE WILL NOT BE THERE!!

He is the last person you need at your birth, from what you write about him he will inhibit your birthing. Joking about the sounds you make in labor is hurtful and very tacky He is evil and selfish not you!

[goodwin]

you need to be as comfortable as possible and if your dad being there makes you uncomfortable then tell him to shove it - it isn't about him! i can't imagine how hard that is, he sounds like he is being impossible. hope it all gets worked out.

[PatchChild]

If it's hard to tell him that you don't want him there, you can always tell him that the midwife has said you need to limit the number of people. Placing the burden on someone else can help.

[SleepyMamaBear]

i am not in your DDC but i do have experience with people inviting themselves to my important life events.
if my dad were to invite himself to my birth i would tell him "no dad, you arent invited, and if you show up while i am laboring i will send you away. i need my space, i need my privacy and i need you to respect my needs." but i dont mince words at all.
you could also tell him something like "your dog is NOT allowed in my home, he makes our dog go nuts and thats NOT what i need while i am laboring. please stop bringing more stress into what should be as stressless a situation as possible.
after the baby is born i will call you to come over and hold/meet him/her, until then i need my space.

[Mommyintraining2]

With people like that, they are obviously the way they are because they have been allowed to be. If you try to explain it all out for him (for example explaining why you will feel stressed, etc.), it just gives him something to argue. He will not respect what you say since he has already shown he doesn't respect you, and that will make you feel even worse (and guilty).

People like this need to have clear boundaries set for them. You can't worry about hurting his feelings. He hasn't worried about yours. Be clear! "I'm sorry but you are not coming to the birth. Mom is coming but you won't be." Say this over and over. Just become a broken record.

It's hard, but if you let him walk all over you now, he will continue doing so after the baby is born. Now is the time to set down the boundaries and teach him to respect you. It will be good for him!

[Mab]

Originally Posted by MollyandCleo

Thanks for the support. I'm glad to hear that I'm not evil or selfish for wanting to control my birth experience. My DH is going to call today and sort it out. (Keeping my fingers crossed that it goes well....)

what's with people! of course you're not selfish. Keep us posted and let us know how dh's call went. Are you having a midwife? could you ask her, or google, some article about the huge importance of not having people attending birth that may interfere with your birth energy, even in terms of risks? I'm thinking michel odent here...and email that to your dad or something...along with what monnyintraingin2 said , just the clear boundaries set.

[MollyandCleo]

Yay!!!
DH talked to my mom tonight, and she talked to Dad. It took about 4 or 5 calls back and forth (a bit of "shuttle diplomacy", I guess), but between them, they finally got my Dad to graciously decide to stay home for the birth. He really didn't want to make me uncomfortable or cause me stress -- it just took a (long) while to get him to realize that was what he was doing. I'm so relieved!!!

Mom really took it upon herself to make it all better for me. Going to bat against my dad isn't an easy thing, as you can probably gather from some of the things I've mentioned in this thread.

Shortly after we got off the phone, my daughter woke up. I went up to comfort her and help her get back to sleep, and listened to myself tell her, "Mommy's here, sweetie. I'll always be here to make it better," and I realized that's just what my Mom did for me tonight.

Thanks for all the support!!!!!

[vannienicole]

**

[momto l&a]

oh yeah!!!!!!

Good for your mom

Enjoy your birth :

[awallrising]

Yeah! Way to go Mom!

Glad you can focus your mind elsewhere.