Old Enough to Annoy, Too Young to Understand

[BelgianSheepDog]

I have the world's loudest, most stubborn 12 month old. She bellows at the top of her lungs even when she's happy, but when she's angry or disappointed, secure your ear protection.

Her tantrums are so dramatic I've had people in public whip around with a look of alarm and glower at me like they are pretty sure I just whacked the heck out of her. One fine GD advocate shook her head at me and said "she's just a sweet little baby." :

OTOH I've had other strangers say that I owe it to the world TO whack her one. Yeah right, not happening. :

I really dread the tantrums because I feel like there's nothing I can do about them and the consequences are going to come down on my head. She won't even nurse during them. She just wants to scream. I'm terrified we're going to get kicked off the bus someday because she dropped her toy robot on the floor and I had to move slowly to pick it up so as to not drop her or injure myself. Or because the baby she was talking to three rows up had to leave. Or because I won't let her bean me over the head with my Sigg. All of these things result in 0 to 90 in 2 seconds flat meltdowns. I'm terrified that someday someone is going to call social services because they hear her screaming in what sounds like agony all.the.time.

I know she is just fine physically--just had a checkup. I know exactly what her problem is: she's mama's daughter. I am a passionate, emotional (not to say histrionic) person. She is pretty much exactly like I was as a kid, by all accounts. She is just too young to find a constructive way to really express everything. I've been trying to help her with that--singing and clapping and smashing toys and whatever--but she's really too young for much of that to register. She's also too young to understand or respond to requests to use an inside voice. I've tried just whispering to see if she will imitate me but no go. When she gets physical--her thing when she gets frustrated right now is to grab part of my face or one of my nipples as hard as she can and RIP on it, ouch--I move her hand away and say "no, that hurts mama" but she just goes right back to it until I can put her down--which could be a while if I am sitting on the bus with her in the Ergo, for instance.

And when I set her down, guess what? She screams.

I don't even know if I should post this here as I fear I'll get a bunch of posts telling me I need to work harder to meet her needs. That I need to sit around the house topless all day and let her do what she wants and stop in to nurse whenenver, like I am nothign but a feeding station. Her NEEDS are being met. She gets nursed, cuddled, played with, fed, watered, napped, entertained, chilled, read to, you name it. When she wants it, she gets it. As instantly as possible. I am kind of sick of acting like she's a giant newborn but any attempt to scale back on that just makes things worse.

I adore her but I am spending way too much time near the end of my rope.

[LilyGrace]

Would she take to signing? It's communicative, it's a physical outlet...banging toys together is okay, but when she's screaming she's trying to tell you how she feels.
There's a great series out there called Signing Time. They have a demo of their product on their site and some PBS channels cover it. I suggest skipping the baby dvds and going straight to the 0-8yo ones and watching them yourself.

[BelgianSheepDog]

She does sign, thanks.

[BelgianSheepDog]

I'm just wondering if anyone can relate to this frustration. I don't know if I am looking for any kind of specific advice or not. I just want to hear from other people who have been there. This is the precise kind of behavior that can make one feel like a "failure" as a parent in general, especially when it comes to AP.

[Kama82]

I don't know if this is what your looking for but here I go anyway. My daughter can also have the unbelievable ear splitting tantrums. I rode on the bus with her once, she melted down about 2 minutes before I got off the VERY full bus and I thought I was going to die. I have never seen such glares of hatred from people. She is 18 months old now, as she gets older it has gotten much better. She can wait a little longer for a need to be met ect.
The tantrums can be distressing, I try my best to help her through them by talking to her ect but it doesn't seem to help much. Although after she almost always comes to me for comfort and love once she has calmed down. (I sit with her and rub her back ect) during a tantrum but a lot of times it just makes her more mad.
I havent found a solution to this problem, its just a part of my daughters personality. I try to look at it in a positive light, that she will be a passionate independant woman who knows what she wants and has no problem doing what she has to to get it. Then again, that doesn't help much when your on the bus and people are giving you the evil eye does it?
Here is what I say.... your doing great. The reason you can't find a way to fix it is obvious, it can't be fixed you have tried everything it hasn't worked. The solution? Try not to let people get to you (easier said than done I know). Try to think about why it is bothering you. I have found public tantrums bother me for 2 reasons the first is obviously I do not like seeing my daughter distressed but the second is that I worry what other people are thinking. The thing is though even on the unlikely chance someone called CPS on you they aren't going to take your baby away because she was having a tantrum in a grocery store. Toddlers have tantrums thats life. I would say the chances of someone even calling cps are very slim though. Heck, there are not a lot of people would call cps even if they actually saw a kid get hit (sadly).

I am a full time student and my daughter does spend a lot of time at daycare(unfortunately and much to my sadness). However daycare is GREAT for her. I hate leaving her there so much and she bawls every time but they have an endless stream of activities and kids to play with and places to go and basically its set up as a giant place to let off steam. She spends much less time in tantrum land on daycare days.

Thinking this over reminded me, there is this program in my town called a "co-op" but its not for food, what it sounded like to me was basically a daycare setting or preschool setting only all the parents come and participate where the kids are. Just an idea a little structured time might help you both let off some steam. Then again, it might just give her another place to through a fit, you would be a much better judge of that than me.

Anyway this got really long but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and I would bet there are other mamas out there who are just not posting some kids just have the most PIERCING cries.

[Miasmamma]

My DD is also at the tantrum stage. I personally am viewing it as a developmental stage that she will out grow. When she is in the midst of one, I just sit next to her and let her know that I am there. She doesn't want to be held or comforted right then, but she will when she's done. I do try to redirect her with something other than what she originally wanted, but most of the time it doesn't work. Her big thing right now are cell phones. She knows how they work and she likes to take them and "talk" to people. If you give it to her turned off, she has it turned on in a matter of moments.

I have to say though, she has yet to throw one in public. I try to keep her as entertained and satisfied as possible, doesn't always work, but I try.

So to the OP, I know what you mean and I too am annoyed by it!

[Kitty_boo]

I can understand how you feel. My DS doesn't throw tantrums in public very often - but when he does, OMG. Kicking, screaming, tears, hitting.

I have come to understand a few important lessons, and it has made me feel better.
1) I try my best to meet his needs; I have my faults but I am generally a good Mom. There are days where I feel I am the worst Mom in the world, but my DS is a happy child on the whole, so I can't be doing everything wrong. YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THIS, it make the following 2 lessons easier.
2) Sometimes he will throw a fit. Sometimes there was no real reason. Sometimes he has some internal emotional crisis and this is the only way he can express it. In cases like this, you just ride it out. You hold them, tell them to cry, tell them you'll be there and it's okay. Sometimes kids cry/scream etc - accept it.
3) Ignore everyone else. There will ALWAYS be people who can't understand why you don't control your child. However, these people either have no kids of their own, don't remember what it is like to have young kids, or are people who should really know better, but need your screaming kid to make them feel better about themselves.
Trust me, those that have had screaming kids won't be judging you, won't be calling social services and will sympathise with your situation. These are the people you should be interested in.

Seems simple doesn't it? It's not. My DS is now 30 months old and I reckon it has taken me 18 months to be in a position where I can follows these rules. Take heart, it will get easier.

[Fuamami]

Well, I can relate, but I never figured out what to do about it...my ds1 has always been very, very loud and has gone through phases where he throws huge tantrums. He has always also been what I call "uncomfortable", in that he won't allow himself to be comforted! He wouldn't comfort nurse when he was an infant, he hated to be sang to, he hated the sling, etc. And then he was your dd's age, it was very hard to distract him and redirect him.

And now that he's two, it's a little better, but in some ways a little harder. For example, this weekend my dh and dd went to SoCal to move his elderly grandparents. This is the longest ds has ever been away from dd, and he's been very, very sad. But he just lays on the floor crying at top volume and if I try to comfort him he screams, "Get away, Mommy!" at me.

Honestly, I've gotten good at "letting it go". I'm good at calmly telling him, "Okay, I'm right here for you when you want me," and quietly going about my business, because once I've tried everything, there's just no point in continuing to nag him to feel better. And I think part of it is that, if you are familiar at all with the Myers-Briggs personality test, I would classify him as a hard-core feeler. He is a total drama queen, but not just in a superficial way. When he's excited and happy, his whole body feels it, down to the core. He's never grown out of that whole body wiggle of joy that babies do. But when he's upset, he feels that just as strongly. And since he's fairly sensitive, things get to him.

Oh, there is one thing that helps him, he has a paci and a blankie that he uses in combination to comfort himself, sucks the paci and sniffs the blankie. Does your dd have any lovies? I think that children like ours can really benefit from them.

[LynnS6]

My absolute least favorite period of child raising is this particular stage - preverbal, but with intense wants. I know people complain about 2 and 3 year olds being difficult, but I would much rather have an argument with a 3 year old who can tell me what's wrong than deal with one of these random mood swings of a toddler.

One thing that has helped me is the realization that as they move from infants to toddlers, our job moves from preventing crying to helping them deal with powerful emotions.

Honestly, if this is her temperament, there's not much you CAN do except ride them out, keep her from hurting your or herself (dd was a headbanger, ds used to hit his head with his hands) and offer comfort every couple minutes and see if she'll take it.

I also find it helpful to label the emotions for the child "you're feeling really frustrated/angry/sad right now". At 12 months, I might as well be talking Greek, but saying that as a little mantra helps ME not get irritated or frustrated.

Books that you might find helpful include:
The Emotional Life of Toddler
Raising Your Spirited Child

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog

I don't even know if I should post this here as I fear I'll get a bunch of posts telling me I need to work harder to meet her needs.

ha ha...nooooo.that is silly! if we all met our children's needs...this forum wouldn't exist! my son used to have terrible (i mean long and head banging) tantrums when he was about 1 or 2 years old. my dd NEVER had tantrums like that, so it was totally unchartered territory for me. i seriously thought something was wrong with him. in the beginning, i would try to stay with him and help him through the tantrum...you know support him and meet his needs...what not. it only made it worse. he'd scream and kick at me. what finally worked for me was not trying to talk to him or reason with him at all during his tantrum. i would simply get down on his level and calmly say, i am going in other room. when you are done here and can calm down, please come to me and i will hold you. the main reason for leaving the room was so that he would not have an audience. his tantrums grew shorter and shorter, and with time left all together. he's 3 years and 4 months now and is overall a really easy going kid. he will still meltdown every now and then, but it's expected...especially if he's tired. but his tantrums don't even compare to what they once were. hang in there mama. i know it's annoying and frustrating....but it really is just a phase.

PS - i've had mean looks from people too when my kids have lost it in public....who cares. if there kids have never acted like that....they are lying...or have forgotten...or it just hasn't happened yet....or they need to be on oprah for having perfect children. it's easy to judge as an onlooker, but they aren't in your shoes....so forget about um.