Dh not so sexy anymore.

[mean_jeannie]

I have been grieving my uninformed decision to circ my son for a while now. But a new twist has crept into my consciousness - the fact that my dh's circ'd penis is becoming a total turn-off.

It is really unfair that a doctor can just say, "I'll circumcise your son for you" and not even ask if you know what it entails. And now that I know what it entails, well, read above paragraph.

Just looking to see if anyone has heard about this effect before, or has experienced it themselves.

And I hope I'm posting this in the right place.

[Quirky]

I understand how you feel. Although I was fortunate to become educated enough in time to help my ds, even seeing his intact penis reminds me how much my dh is missing. I have tried talking to him about restoration but unfortunately he's not interested right now. :

From my experience I think it's important to do your best to process these feelings without letting your dh know to the extent possible. I would be devastated personally to find out that I had become less attractive to my dh because of something my parents had done that I had no control over. I know it has become somewhat of an issue between me and dh that even though I haven't said "I find you physically defective" in so many words, the fact that I'm very outspoken about circumcision and its effects on sexuality has definitely made him think less of himself. : In hindsight I think I should have been way more tactful about talking about circ around him once it was settled that our kids wouldn't be circed.

I just have to make peace with the fact that although sex between us is perhaps not as good as it could have been, it's still awfully darned good and I need to love and accept my dh for who he is, just as I would if he was in a car accident tomorrow and lost a limb.

[ThreeBeans]

My husband is intact so fortunately I don't have to deal with this. I do that the site of a circumcised penis makes me ill. It looks so chopped up and deformed. :

[Mommiska]

Hi - welcome to MDC and to you. I married a Brit, so he's intact, fortunately. But I think that Quirky has given you some very good advice. What you are feeling is normal, I think - but just think how much more disturbing learning the truth about circumcision must be for a circumcised man.

Quirky's advice to tread carefully with your dh is very good. Many hugs to you, though - the damage caused by circumcision is much, much wider, the more one knows.

[RiverSky]

DS is intact, but yeah, I can relate a bit to your feelings.

[eepster]

I come to this from a slightly different perspective.

My dad is irish and intact (plus it's not like I ever looked closely so I never saw the glans.) The only little boy who I played "doctor" with was british. My parents took me to museums where I saw greek, roman and european sculpture. I even did drawings from those sculptures later.

So intact was the norm for me I didn't see a circ'd one till I was a teen.

Basically yes they look wierd, but I got past it.

Give it some time and you probably can get to the point where like me you just don't really think about it.

[mamazee]

My husband is circumcised, but before that I dated a number of men who were not circumcised, and a number who were circumcised. Before my husband, I dated an intact man for 2 years. I know it's said here that there is a big difference between sex with someone who is and someone who isn't, but I honestly never noticed a difference sexually. I'd say size counts more than circumcision status, and size isn't a huge factor either, so long as someone isn't of an unusual size. I'm a fan of penises in general.

I will add that I would never circumcise a child because of potential complications, because babies go through enough pain without adding unnecessary pain (it makes me wince to think about the procedure and how sore it must be for a long time after), and because it's wrong to alter someone's body who isn't able to consent to it. If it changes someone sexually, it's not something that was shocking enough to be noticeable to me.

Anyway, sex is fun regardless.

[Peacemamalove]

I have to agree with Quirky I have felt the same way and have said alot about circ in front of DH ...Now I know that I have to be more gentle when talking about it around him. basically cause it makes us both squirm... DH wants to try restoring but it hasn't happened yet so I am not so sure how much he really wants to since I don't push it...

[CaraNicole]

i know how you feel my dh is becoming a turn off too...mainly b/c i think of how a circ is done EVERYTIME i see his penis...can we say moodkiller? i'm happy ds is intact but it does make me realise what dh is missing...

[MidgeMommy]

Originally Posted by mamazee

My husband is circumcised, but before that I dated a number of men who were not circumcised, and a number who were circumcised. Before my husband, I dated an intact man for 2 years. I know it's said here that there is a big difference between sex with someone who is and someone who isn't, but I honestly never noticed a difference sexually. I'd say size counts more than circumcision status, and size isn't a huge factor either, so long as someone isn't of an unusual size. I'm a fan of penises in general.

I will add that I would never circumcise a child because of potential complications, because babies go through enough pain without adding unnecessary pain (it makes me wince to think about the procedure and how sore it must be for a long time after), and because it's wrong to alter someone's body who isn't able to consent to it. If it changes someone sexually, it's not something that was shocking enough to be noticeable to me.

Anyway, sex is fun regardless.

:

Circ'd status makes no difference (to me) in sexual stimulation or performance. And, I know I may get flamed for this, but I do prefer the 'look' of circ'ed penises. However, that might very well be conditioning, because of bad experiences with uncirc'ed ex's, and the fact that my DH is circ'ed.

I also agree with the first response, it would hurt your DH an awful lot if he felt less attractive because of something he didn't have control over. It would be like my DH pushing me to get a nose/breast job; like what I had wasn't up to his standards.

Good luck getting the 'sexy' back!

[lovingmommyhood]

I didn't realize that people think about circumcision enough to think about it every time they see a penis.

I have been with an uncirc'ed man and I personally didn't notice a difference in sexual stimulation. I prefer the look of a circ'ed penis by far because that's what I've been "exposed" to the most I suppose. If my husband were uncirc'ed I'm sure I'd get used to it.

Is there something else that your DH is doing that is making you have bad feelings towards him? Spending so much time focusing on what we don't like about our DP's is generally not a good idea.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

[vaughnmama]

Yes, unfortunately...

My hubby's circumcised penis was less attractive to me for quite a time after I became educated...added to the stress was the resentment that I felt towards him for talking me into circumcising our 2nd son. This nearly destroyed our marriage.

With our first we were both completely ignorant. I never even saw my first baby's penis intact. But with the 2nd, I had a week to change his diapers and feel sad about it. I tried to talk to my DH but I had no research and caved to his emotional plea that my DS would have damaged self image if he looked different.

My baby's penis is now buried, a sad and horrible irony when you think about my DH's argument. On the occasions when it is exposed, it looks about half the size that it used to. This is heartbreaking how we altered him...both of them.

I look at my husband's own penis and wonder if it would not be so short if he were intact. (I am not as shallow as this sounds, I don't care what size my DH's penis is, I just wonder what if?)

Sometimes I wish I would have had sex with at least one intact man before getting married. Which is really weird for me, because I used to be so proud of only having had a couple partners before getting married.

One thing that has helped my issues with my husband, is that he feels such remorse...and he has begun the process of manual restoration.

I have made it clear to him that he is a very good and considerate lover and I love him dearly. It does no good to make him feel like less of a man because of what others did to him without his consent.

[guestmama9908]

It is a bit of a turn off. It makes me sad when I see it because I know the pain that came along with that scar. :

DP knows my thoughts about circumcision. He feels those same thoughts.

He has started restoring.

I'm sorry OP. I know how you feel.

[titania8]

yea, i sometimes feel the same way. i wish my dh would consider restoration, but i know that will never happen.

[Genesis]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I'm a fan of penises in general.

[~Megan~]

I can relate in a way.

I do wish that ds weren't have hurt that way as a baby. I do also feel sad that he has some minor issues that affect us both because he is circumcised.

He is not interested in restoring though.

He is more than considerate, generous, and loving so I'm happy.
I try not to dwell on the negative and look too closely at the scar or wonder what if.

Perhaps you just need a whole bunch of foreplay to get your mind off of anything but the moment

I, too, agree that focusing on the negative is not condusive to a healthy marriage.

[TheLuckiestEllie]

No advice, just

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Originally Posted by CaraNicole

i know how you feel my dh is becoming a turn off too...mainly b/c i think of how a circ is done EVERYTIME i see his penis...can we say moodkiller? i'm happy ds is intact but it does make me realise what dh is missing...

: (only instead of a smile it should have a on it). Every single time I see dh now my thoughts turn to circ. I am having a very hard time getting past not only what was done to him but what continues to be done to boys all the time.

[Mountaingirl3]

oops, double post

[Mountaingirl3]

I do go through phases when I really wish dh were intact. But, he also wishes he were intact, so instead of getting turned off, I wind up feeling great compassion for him and wanting to take care of him, and having (for lack of a better term) "pity sex".

Thankfully, as more time passes since I first realized how aweful circ is, dh's circ. haunts me less.