Help for SIL?

[Hippiemommie]

I don't know what to say to my sister-in-law. She is 30 years old and has a 3 year old daughter. From the time my niece was 3-9 my SIL would get up at 7am and get dressed then drop my niece off at her Mom's house. She would then head right back home and go to bed till 4pm. She did this for two reasons 1) So her overbearing Mother didn't know she had gotten fired from her job and 2) So she didn't have to watch her daughter. My brother does NOTHING to help out. He believes since he works all day (6am-6pm) he shouldn't have to do ANYTHING. She won't make him care for her and he certainly won't do it himself. So even after my SIL's Mom found out she had lost her job my SIL still takes her daughter over there every day for a couple hours. Her Mother still does her laundry btw.

I think my SIL is seriously depressed. She won't go get help or anything. She just complains about how hard it is to keep my niece and how she never gets any help. Then today I called to say Hi and she sounded shaky. I asked her what was the matter and she said, "DD is driving me CRAZY! I can't stand this anymore! Something has to give!" I just listened and she went on to say that timeouts weren't working and she and my brother decided they really needed to start "disciplining her". I'm afraid this means spanking. I've suggested that I keep niece for a couple hours a week so SIL can have some time (even though she has a ton from her mother) or that she do a Mother's day out thing. It seems like she doesn't want to do anything but complain.

To make things worse all the negative things she says about my niece she says infront of her.

I'm willing to get her some books but other than "Unconditional Parenting" I don't know what to get or what to say to her.

Help!

[mom22girls]

Honestly this seems like your SILs mental health thing more than a parenting thing. Sleeping all day is definitely a sign, she can't handle herself right now never mind work on her parenting. Even if your brother was the best dad in the world, and took care of everything around the house she'd probably say she "couldn't cope."

You should confront your SIL about her depression in a very supportive but firm way. She does need help, for her own mental health - not housework help. If you offer to take the dd, then it should come with the proviso that she needs to go get help. I would be worried, once she starts "disciplining" her daughter, it would be a slippery slope down to taking her frustrations out on her and could lead to an abusive situation.

Not an easy situation for you. Hugs!

[mamaduck]

Yeah, discipline advice isn't going to be helpful until she has pulled herself together somewhat. I think you do need to talk to her about getting some help. The hardest part (from her perspective) is making the phone calls to set something up. I would offer to sit at her kitchen table and phone her health insurance, and then follow their instructions to set up an apt. for her somewhere..... maybe if you do this leg work, then she will be more receptive to trying it out.

[Hippiemommie]

My Mother has done just the thing by confronting her and telling her she needed to seek help. She doesn't have health insurance though. That's one thing that has been a barrier. I'll try to see what local resources I can find though.

[LifeIZBeautiful]

Would she see a mental health care professional of some kind? Hiding things from her mom, not wanting to be around her dd, sleeping all day, all sound like some serious signs of depression or worse...

[mamaduck]

Hippie -- call your local mental health hospital. Ask what they can do for someone without insurance.

[krizzanne]

If you really have the time and energy, it will be so wonderful for your niece to spend time at your house! Having her at your house would be a shimmer of hope for her future and/or a bright spot in her life to remember!

If you are the only one who is willing to take your niece into a positive home (I would worry about the mom's mom, since she came from the same house), maybe you shouldn't jeopardize the situation by confronting her...it may just make her want to keep your niece away from you.

If cost for mental health care is a problem, could some family members buy her a couple of sessions to get her started as a 'gift' ?

Or, could you invite yourself over with your kids for a playdate and maybe cook together, to cheer her up?

Or even invite her to a parenting group or play group ---maybe it would be helpful to comiserate with other moms? (or church?)

You are a great sil to care enough to do something!

[elizawill]

my field is social work, and the county health department should be able to see her and treat her on a sliding scale fee (which is still minimal).

[Hippiemommie]

I've tried calling around and getting her help but basically they tell me that SHE needs to call. Aside from this she is a really really bad procrastinator you have to take her by the hand and force her to do anything. I did see niece today some and SIL dropped her off (to run and get gas) and came back 4 hours later...... I couldn't go to her house because it's a disaster. She doesn't clean at all and having a toddler at home and being pregnant I can only have niece over every so often since SIL doesn't stay here but leaves to go sleep. I think she knows she is depressed but I don't see how to get her to get help. When I mentioned calling the health department she said, "I've called. I don't qualify." I'd bet dimes to dollars that she didn't ever call. :

[Linda on the move]

Talk to your brother about getting help for her. He has the power to actually do something.