How to encourage "please" without ramming it down his throat?

[quelindo]

My son is just now (22 months) starting to "demand" things and say "NOW." While I can't blame him -- it's the only way he knows to ask, and at not-quite-two he can't always be expected to be patient -- I do want to encourage politeness. But I hate, hate, hate that whole "What do you sayyyyyyyyy?" and "Say please!" thing. We do try to say "please" and "thank you" to him.

Any suggestions? TIA!

[bdavis337]

Every. Single. Time.

Every time my toddler says "juice mummy", I respond, "juice please mummy?" He either repeats it back or signs please, and then I get his juice. Or wahtever he's asked for. Just make it a matter of fact statement, and every single time you ask him for something, use "please" in your own speech. He'll pick it up eventually.

[Ruthla]

I suggest modeling it for him.

If you always say "May I please have that [whatever object]" when you ask him for something, and say "thank you" when he hands it to you, he'll pick it up easily without being coerced.

Of course, that won't stop relatives, friends, and strangers from doing the "say please!" thing to him!

[elizawill]

IMHO, repetition is key. from the time my children were age 1 (maybe even earlier??) i would hand them something and say, "thank you mommy". if you do sign...you can sign this. if my child said "eh eh eh" and pointed to his cup. i would say, "may i have my juice cup please mommy... and hand it to him. i don't force my kids to say something before i will give it to them, but i always repeat the polite way to ask or respond. my dd is almost 6 and my son is over 3, and they both use their manners most of the time now. also, another key element is USE MANNERS yourself. it's so easy to tell our kids or spouse something without doing it politely....kids will pick up on this and mimic you....so if you want polite children, be a polite parent, spouse, and friend

[rmzbm]

I simply model it. I would NEVER demand my child say please to me or anyone else.

[annettemarie]

I repeat it back without demanding. So...

DC: Juice!
ME: Juice, please (while signing)? Sure!

More often than not, they'll repeat me or make the sign. I don't insist though.

I think modeling it in your own interactions is the key, though.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

I repeat it back without demanding. So...

DC: Juice!
ME: Juice, please (while signing)? Sure!

More often than not, they'll repeat me or make the sign. I don't insist though.

I think modeling it in your own interactions is the key, though.

I like that!

[annettemarie]

Oh, I also wanted to say that I don't think "please" is necessarily a "magic word". There are plenty of ways to be polite without it:
Could I have some juice, Mama?
Juice, Mama! (With a big hug)
I'm thirsty. Juice?

I'm much more concerned with intentional rudeness than formulaic politeness. So, if someone asks in a rude way, we say, "Can you ask me in a loving way, please?" and as long as the answer we get back isn't rude, we don't stand around waiting for a please. But we also using that phrase (a loving way) a lot in our family. It's sort of our code.

[LifeIZBeautiful]

MODEL, model, model, model, model....it may take for.ev.er. But, someday they will understand.

[josephine_e]

ds (11mo) loves the "please," "thank you," "you're welcome!" game. it goes like this: first, i have something and he indicates that he wants it. so i say, may i please hold that, mommy? then hand it to him and say, thank you, mommy. then i tell him you're welcome! THEN i say, may i please hold it, kai-bear? and he hands it to me and i get all excited and say thank you!! and he nods his head and says "jabababajaba" i don't know if this will actually help in the future, but he likes it now, sooo...

I'm much more concerned with intentional rudeness than formulaic politeness. So, if someone asks in a rude way, we say, "Can you ask me in a loving way, please?" and as long as the answer we get back isn't rude, we don't stand around waiting for a please. But we also using that phrase (a loving way) a lot in our family. It's sort of our code.

i love this and i'm going to steal it ! dh and i don't always use "please" with each other, but we do always use loving speech and that's all we really want from our kids. with dd we just modeled and she's usually very polite.

[gabysmom617]

I just model it, and my ds has always just said it...well, not please so much as thank you.

It started when he was less than a year old, and he would have something that he wasn't supposed to have, and I'd ask for it, and say "THANK YOU!!" really enthusiastically when he gave it to me. And ever since then, whenever I give him something he says thank you, and whenever HE gives ME something, he still says thank you.

We haven't really worked specifically on please yet, but I imagine that if I model it the same way I did with thank you, he'd get it in no time.

Right now, he just takes my hand and drags me over to whatever he wants, (and can't get without some help) and so I give it to him, and he says "da-nka" as he accepts it.

[brightonwoman]

I sometimes prompt my kids with phrases like "I can't understand whining/yelling" or "I would be happy to help you when you can ask in a nice voice" or "was that a kind way to speak?" or something like that...
I work very hard to avoid the cliche "what do you say dear" because that makes the magic word (please, thank you, sorry, etc) into nothing but a 'get out of jail free' card...it has no meaning for them when it's used that way. I agree 100% with the notion that what matters is being polite and considerate, not always necessarily using specific words.
Now, I do try to model using those words, but I most especially try to model using the tone of voice and attitude of asking!

I don't prompt on saying 'thank you' very often, but occasionally I have said to ds "that was very nice of _____ to do _____, maybe you should let them know you appreciate it" or something like that...I think showing gratitude is very important.
As for prompting on 'sorry'...well, that's a whole other thread! But suffice it to say that we focus more on trying to help the injured party feel better, rather than just saying some word...ds does say sorry of his own volition, but he also gives hugs and explained apologies and acts of service...

[quelindo]

Thanks for the replies and suggestions. I agree that asking in a loving way is the main objective...if my son would say "Cookie, Mommy?" sweetly I would be happy with that. It's the "Cookie. NOW!" that gets to me.

I remember my (childless) sister actually taking things away from our nephew almost twenty years ago and saying, "What's the magic word? What do you say?" and making him say "please" before she would give it back. : I think it's good that her dogs are her children. And don't worry, she isn't around my son much, and never without me there.

Anyway, I really don't want to "require" the word please -- or "thank you" or "sorry" for that matter. Maybe I need to re-read Unconditional Parenting.

I think I will be saying, "Cookie, please? Sure, here you are!" and making sure I model "asking in a loving way."

[PikkuMyy]

NM - that last idea is exactly what I would do. I also hate the "magic word" thing. But you def. want to model what you would like rather than the "juice NOW!"

[CaraNicole]

i vote for lead by example...it takes time but good things come to those who wait!

[gabysmom617]

Hmm, I hope I don't get : out of here, but I have a question:

My child is 24 months old. I find with his language patterns, he simply mimics. Everything he hears (and I DO mean EVERYTHING) will eventually get repeated. I've never heard him (yet) come up with a phrase or sentence that I didn't know where he learned it from. He is starting to understand the things he mimics sometimes, but he hasn't repeated or said anything (as of yet) that I had never heard somewhere else before...(if that makes any sense.)

Where is your child learning the whole "NOW!" thing? Is some one else in his life speaking to him this way?

[quelindo]

Originally Posted by gabysmom617

Where is your child learning the whole "NOW!" thing? Is some one else in his life speaking to him this way?

No flames...I've been wondering this myself. I think my DH and I must say it to him, but not that forcefully. More just as a direction (i.e., let's eat now and play later). We're certainly not saying, "Come here. NOW!" or anything like that.

And I may have overplayed how my son is saying the word, too. He's just saying it with the same inflection as whatever it is he wants ("Cracker. Now."). I just kind of think it's funny that he's using such a "commanding" word.

[bdavis337]

My 2 yo uses "NOW" in his vocabulary, b/c he hears me say to his older brother "I've asked you twice, you need to XYZ NOW so that......". Do you have an older child?

[Collinsky]

What we do is simple modelling, we say Please and Thank you to each other and to other people. And when our children ask for something in a demanding way "Give me an apple!" We say, "You would like an apple, please? Here's an apple." If we ask them to do something, we say please. If they hand us something, we say thank you. If they say thank you, we say you're welcome. We never make saying Please a requirement for meeting their request.

I also agree with a PP that if they ask in a nice voice, it's really irrelevant if they say Please to us. The reverse is true as well, I wouldn't appreciate it if they said Please, but in a really abrasive demanding way. A respectful tone is really what is wanted here; please isn't a magic word any more than "sorry" is.

My older daughter went through a whining phase (not just a little whiny, full on whiiiiiiiiiiine) and I would say, "I don't like when you talk like that, can you ask me in a nice voice?" I wish I could have thought of a nicer way to phrase that, since that seems a little patronizing, but it really grated!

[melissel]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Oh, I also wanted to say that I don't think "please" is necessarily a "magic word". There are plenty of ways to be polite without it:
Could I have some juice, Mama?
Juice, Mama! (With a big hug)
I'm thirsty. Juice?

I'm much more concerned with intentional rudeness than formulaic politeness. So, if someone asks in a rude way, we say, "Can you ask me in a loving way, please?" and as long as the answer we get back isn't rude, we don't stand around waiting for a please. But we also using that phrase (a loving way) a lot in our family. It's sort of our code.

Hey! This is the first time I've ever heard anyone else express this! ITA with this. I'd actually much rather hear, "Mom, can I have some water?" than, "Mom, please give me water!" And I hate the "magic word" thing. Please is NOT a magic word--many times, even if they say please, I'm still not going to give them what they're begging for (well, OK, maybe the toddler, because she tilts her head and does the big melty eyes and says, "Pees? Peeeeeees?" ). I do, however, suggest that they might want to ask me politely for something if the manner is which they've already asked isn't particularly pleasant. For example:

DD: Mom, did you forget? I need my water NOW!

Me (while getting the water): I'm so sorry, I did forget. In the future though, I'd appreciate it if you'd ask me a little more politely.

In short, I don't ever push please, but I do suggest that polite terms make people feel more like doing the thing you're asking them to do for you.