Mutual Respect: child ignoring and talking down to me

[brightonwoman]

OK, ds is 7. We are still fairly new to GD, and while dh and I are both on board on an intellectual level, I've done a lot more reading/thinking about it, while dh still does a lot of flying by the seat of his pants...we're working on it. But meanwhile we do have some inconsistencies, and I think that's probably contributing to this...

Anyway, One of the biggest issues for me is mutual respect. I try hard to respect my children, but I also insist on respect from them. For example, I don't ask/tell ds to do something "just because I said so"--I will always explain why if he asks etc. BUT, if I ask him to do something, then I do expect him to do it. (DH does 'pull rank' sometimes, which I think may be part of why ds is resistent to obeying...but even so, we're not asking him to do rediculous things--it's things like coming to dinner with the family, getting ready for bed when asked/reminded, picking up his toys, etc) ANYWAY, I want to show respect to my children, but when ds is utterly disregarding me, how do I do that? There are certain things that he needs to do, and while I do respect his perogitive to do most things on his time frame (verrrrry sloooooowly...) I do have a problem with him not responding at all, you know? I guess my real issue here is that I'm struggling a lot to have respect for someone who shows very little respect for me. What is the respectful way to still make sure he does the things he needs to do?

A couple of specific examples:
last night I was nursing the baby. He cluster nurses in the evening, so I'm pretty much out of commission. DH asked DS (7) to please get a bath and get ready for bed. He's old enough to do all that himself--he usually does. Now DS likes baths--even on nights when he doesn't want one, once we get him in he'll often play for an hour or more. He really enjoys being in the tub, it's just that he doesn't like changing tracks from what he was doing before...so, I was nursing, and dh had had a very long tiring day (he works landscaping) so he had flipped on the TV to relax. It wsa about 45 min later when his show got over and I realized taht he had never followed up with ds...sure enough, ds hadn't even gone into the bathroom, let alone gotten a shower. It was now well past his bedtime (and ds is one of those kids who REALLY needs his sleep, and doesn't sleep-in nor nap, so bedtime is important). Now dh should have followed up better I suppose, but he was pretty exhausted, and I wasn't thinking about ds7 because I was busy with the baby... is it too much to expect a 7yo to do a simple thing when he's asked?! A thing he even enjoys?!

Another example:
DS frequently says things to me that I think most folks would regard as 'backtalking.' Now I don't think he says them maliciously, but they completely lack respect. They are the kinds of things that most people say to their kids... "be quiet" "come here right now" "stop that and do _____ for me first" etc etc. I realize that sometimes he has a legitimate need, and just isn't old enough to be tactful about it. But a lot of times it's just childish self-centeredness (ie, he wants me to play a game with him NOW and doesn't want to wait 10 min for me to finish the dishes...). I know that the self-focus is normal in children, and that they grow through it. (He's much better than he used to be, but he was an only child for 6 years so imo isn't as selfless as he could/should be by this age...) Regardless, it's not the stage I'm worried about, so much as the way he talks to me. I dont' want him to have the habit or feel that it's ok to speak to someone that way, you know? It's not just because I'm his mom--it's because I'm another human being. I try really hard to not talk to him that way, and I don't think I should have to take it from him, you know? How can I teach him to be more respectful (to everyone) in the way he speaks? Obviously I'm using example, and I've tried discussing with him several times but it doesn't seem to be sinking in.

DH and I are under a lot of outside stresses right now (mostly financial) and I know ds feels that pressure. We are trying really hard to not ever take it out on him, but I know the feeling just kinda gets into everything, you know? so I'm sure that exacerbates everything...but stress is no reason to stop being nice.
I would certainly appreciate any advice anyone might have.

[elizawill]

hmmm, this is a hard one because 7 year olds (like all children i suppose ) are drastically different. it's hard to say - a 7 year old should be able to bathe himself and get ready for bed alone..... because my niece (who is also 7) would never do that and my sister would never expect her too. my dd is almost 6 and we will still take a shower together sometimes....so when she's 7 i can't imagine total independence for her in that area either

i also can struggle with my daughter giving me respect...or lack there of. she talks like a sassy 17 year old sometimes...."uhhhhhh MOM, i'm tired. do i have too? <her eyes are rolling and hands on hips> ....i'm like, who are you??

in my opinion, however, my relationship with my children is not a mutual exchange of respect. yes, that is what i want and am aiming for ultimately, but my children are ....ha ha...kids. and they can be selfish and demanding sometimes, and downright rude to me. i do my best to model what kind of person i want them to be, and i definitely will correct them when needed. gentle discipline isn't no discipline, so if my kids are completely disrespectful or way out of line, there is consequences. i don't have much advice really, but maybe your son is still adjusting to the new baby, and he feels the stress (like you mentioned) of you and dh's finances. he had you all to himself up until recently, so maybe he is just trying to adjust and it's coming out with different behaviors, ykwim? anyway, big hug to you mama

[violet]

Hugs - you do need and deserve respect and appreciation. And if we do our job right, our kids might be actually prepared to offer it to us willingly and consistently by the time they are .. . I dunno, 18?, no 30, when they have kids of their own? Seriously, it's a reallllllllly long process, I think. Doesn't mean we tolerate the lack of respect. That just means the slip ups are inevitable and that doesn't mean you aren't parenting well.

Some of your examples sound just like my nephew - also 7. My SIL tolerated far too much for too long imo and finally started trying logical consequences. He bossed her at the park and she told him "No, you can't talk to me in that way. If you spoke to a friend that way they would not want to be your friend. I dont' want to play any longer so we are now going home." She started walking home, hoping and praying he would follow because she wasn't sure what to do next. He did, dragging his scooter, crying, realizing he had pushed too far and lost his favorite playmate. In my house, disrespectful words are not honored - I won't respond to the request until the speaker starts over and speaks calmly and with respect. Now that doesn't mean that they still don't do it! They do, esp when tired or frustrated. So I have to be consistent and hope that eventually they will stop using disrespectful lang. We've also talked about how we don't speak to teachers/friends with that tone and those words. My DH even compared DD's speach to the ugly stpsisters in cinderella.

You are probably doing your part, just take heart in the fact that it takes awhile for them to do their part.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by violet

My SIL tolerated far too much for too long imo and finally started trying logical consequences. He bossed her at the park and she told him "No, you can't talk to me in that way. If you spoke to a friend that way they would not want to be your friend. I dont' want to play any longer so we are now going home." She started walking home, hoping and praying he would follow because she wasn't sure what to do next. He did, dragging his scooter, crying, realizing he had pushed too far and lost his favorite playmate.

Hmmm, this feels "wrong" to me. Not the saying "I don't like it when you talk to me that way and expect you not to do so" thing.

But comparing a parent/child relationship to a friendship is, for me, really not a good thing. I hate when people do that in general.

Yes, you may lose you friends if you talk to them that way. I however, will at most be annoyed. I don't mind telling my kids that. But they will not lose me or any part of our relationship for talking that way to me. Never, ever.