tired of being smacked

[turtlelady]

Hi, My almost 12 month old likes to smack my husband and I in the face. It has become a more and more common behavior over the last few weeks. We have tried showing him that it hurts us, saying no gently, redirecting/distracting him, saying no forcefully. He will sometimes look a little startled and contemplative when my husband says no loudly. With me he will laugh. He does it when we are playing, and often when we are playing/cuddling before bedtime. I have resorted to turning away from him, even leaving the room, which results in him becoming distressed, I really don’t like this one. Bedtime is a pretty easy going time around our house, we’ll just wait until he starts showing tired signs and then hang out/play quietly/cuddle/nurse until he falls asleep. It seems like he thinks this is a game, and doesn’t get at all that this upsets us. It sort of reminds me when he would bite me during breastfeeding. Please help. We are committed to attachment parenting and are really stumped here. It’s rough times like tonight when I am ill and very tired and get smacked about 8 times in 20 minutes.
Thanks so much,
Amy

[Jewelie]

ohh, Amy, thats so hard. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. We went through this with both of my daughters. Its very developmental and we just got through it the same way you are, taking their hands and saying "gentle," while stroking our heads or arm or whatever with their little hands and trying to catch their hand before it struck and repeating, "gentle." It sucks but its very normal. They don't really "get" that they are hurting you, just as you said, seems like a great game b/c they can cause this "reaction" in you- wow- how powerful. humm, maybe some other cause and effect type games, like every time you push mommy's nose her tongue sticks out.... just a thought. hang in there!

[Collinsky]

My son does this too, he's almost 13 months and has been doing it for a while. It's really really common for this stage. He was biting us and headbutting us, now it's the smacking. (All done in love, never in anger!)

And it will pass. In the meantime the things that you are doing (stopping his hand gently, saying "Hurts mama! Gentle touch," and taking his hand and showing him how to touch gently. (Or kind touch, soft touch, nice touch, whatever phrase your family chooses.) He will totally seem to not get it. He will laugh, and probably try to hit you again right away. Maybe give him an outlet for the smacking. We taught our son "High five!" and he loves to slap our hands! He is so delighted with it, and so proud of himself... and it gives him someplace other than our faces to smack.

The first part of the second year is quite a trying stage in a lot of ways... they know their own mind more, but don't understand a lot of things. And they keep doing the same things over and over and over until you want to scream! But honestly, with this, your best bet is to minimize damage, do what you're doing, and ride it out. Because it will pass! He's not going to be doing these same behaviors a year from now. Not even six months from now. Probably in one month he will have moved on.

At his age he has no idea about other people having feelings. He's just starting to grasp the whole "I'm a separate person" idea, and has a really incomplete understanding of that. (Which is why he gets upset when you leave the room; he's beginning to realize you're not just an extension of him but a being in your own right. And that's scary for one so dependent still!) He can't understand that he hurts you physically, or about "anger" or "frustration" or "sadness"... he is beginning to learn those things, and by saying "Ouch! Hurts mommy!" you're laying the foundation for his later understanding and empathy. By showing him gentle touch, you're laying the foundation for his later gentleness and compassion.

So even though it seems like it's "not working" to be dealing with this gently, it is "working" ... you are teaching him what you want him to know, and you will see the benefits of that - but not right away. But I promise, neither of my daughters does these sort of behaviors, and it was such a short phase looking back that it helps me when my son does the same things. Because I know that there is an end, and I'm not doing anything "wrong"... that he's just not going to learn in three days, it's a process that takes a little time.

Hang in there! You're doing great!

[Embee]

I'm not sure what your redirection attempts include, but it is sometimes helpful to offer something that meets the need. My son has been through several hitting phases, and when he was young we redirected him to something that was OK to hit... a drum, a pot or pan for instance. This was a very helpful approach particularly in early toddlerhood. Also, just not making a huge deal of it, not letting it get to you can help. The less a reaction, the faster it will subside.

Hitting is a normal need for a lot of children. Getting them to hit things that or more appropriate is trickier. Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Em

[chfriend]

I anticipated it and dodged. They outgrew it.

[apriljoy]

My son has just started doing this (he just turned 2). As in your situation, nothing works. When he gets sleepy, he starts throwing anything he can get his hands on. And when I remove anything he can pick up, he starts hitting...hard! No matter what I do, he thinks it's hilarious...which is infuriating to me when I have a huge welt on my forehead (and no, that's not just some random example, lol). I did reach a point where I felt completely hopeless. I mean, I couldn't just let him hurt me all the time like that. But I didn't (and still don't) know how to stop it. Honestly, the only thing that has helped me is to take him for a ride in the car at the first sign of hitting/throwing. He can't get to anything to throw, and he can't reach me to hit. At the same time, I'm right there, so it's different than leaving the room (which is something I can never bring myself to do). He's generally content, and it helps him to calm down and stop fighting sleep. I don't really like using the car to get him to sleep, but if it will get us through this stage without too much undue stress, it's worth it.

((((Hugs)))) I know how frustrating this can be.

[tidalwalker]

comiserating... this is how DS wakes us up in the AM. he also really likes grabbing our noses really hard!!

[Ilovelife]

I am sure that he does not know it upsets you and does not do it purposely to hurt you. He has probably discovered that slapping you gets a lot of quite unique and humorous (to him) responses from you. My ds1 did this for a short time as well. I just tried to stay out of the "firing range" of his hand. And if he started to look like he was going to, I would stop his hand and distract him. Maybe grab his hand and kiss it or put it on his head and say "Hands on your head!" in a funny voice. Or even say "Ah ha! I caught your hand. You can't hit me now!" Make a new game instead of the he hits you & you react game. HTH. Good luck. :>)

[Wendy~]

My 13 month old ds does this too. I remember my dd doing it, she outgrew it eventually. How you think about it will make a difference. I choose to look at it as a need, or a fun cause and effect game for him. He is learning. So when he starts I say something like, "I can't let my face be hit, it hurts, let's be gentle" and show him how to be gentle. OR (and this is more fun ) I turn it into a cause and effect game, I put up my hand and we high five and I make a silly noise every time he does. That seems to be the most effective for him since he seems to do it for a reaction. It's a form of connection for him, it's my job to show him an acceptable way to get that attention from me or meet his needs.

[Isamama]

Originally Posted by Embee

I'm not sure what your redirection attempts include, but it is sometimes helpful to offer something that meets the need. My son has been through several hitting phases, and when he was young we redirected him to something that was OK to hit... a drum, a pot or pan for instance. This was a very helpful approach particularly in early toddlerhood. Also, just not making a huge deal of it, not letting it get to you can help. The less a reaction, the faster it will subside.

Hitting is a normal need for a lot of children. Getting them to hit things that or more appropriate is trickier. Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Em

I am so glad to hear you say this as my daughter has had several hitting phases. It is not something that just goes away (and stays away) for some of us. I have tried redirecting my daughter several times to hit something else. It just makes her more angry: I don't know what to do anymore.

To the OP, 12 mos it does seem to be totally normal. I don't blame you for turning away or leaving the room. Generally, I do this when I have to gather myself (when the hit has triggered something "deep" for me and I need to seperate that out from what my dd has just done). I did find that when I could come back and stay in a calm space I felt like a better parent. Don't know if that helped the situation. Don't know if I helped you out any either--just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and it is frustrating to be hit.

I admire the people who are not phased by it.

Take good care.

[lynnloves2]

I am glad to see I am not the only one going through this... Our son just turned 13 months, and is constantly slapping or throwing something. We tell him "no, gentle" or high 5's. We try and catch his hand when we see it coming, as well as when we see he is about to throw something. We cosleep and in the middle of the night he will throw his bottle : it's hard to tell him no in his sleep...

So unfortunately, I don't have the answers either.
Good Luck
Jen

[Embee]

Originally Posted by Isamama

I am so glad to hear you say this as my daughter has had several hitting phases. It is not something that just goes away (and stays away) for some of us. I have tried redirecting my daughter several times to hit something else. It just makes her more angry: I don't know what to do anymore.

Oh mama, I know what you mean. You do your best to deal with something, it subsides only to come back to haunt you. My DS has gone through hitting phases on and off since toddlerhood. Through the years, the reasons have changed dramatically. In early toddlerhood, it was really just exploration and not knowing. I could easily redirect or turn it into a "clap clap" together situation.

As he grew older hitting was more pointed, having to do with anger and frustration and that was much trickier. We went through the "it's okay to feel angry, it's not okay to hit" mantra and that helped as well and things would pass. As he's gotten older though, it's been a case of being very sensitive. He hits when he's feels cornered or embarrassed. So, again I change my approach to make sure he's receiving the respect he deserves... I have been known to put him on the spot unwittingly.

In the end, MOST of the time, this is NOT what is happening, but when we go through a rash of hitting, it's easy to get caught up in the behavior itself because it is in fact, terribly annoying and hurtful... I try to keep the hurtful comment on the physical level but yes, sometimes I take it personally say, if I'm not in a good space emotionally. But for the most part, I know this is just him telling me something in his normal, immature way. Sometimes it's hard because DS is so very verbal. I take it for granted that he can express himself but still at 6 1/2 and I'm sure well beyond, emotions take center stage and run way out ahead of rationale.

Another thing when DS was older say, 2 - 4 is playing it out. If he was going through a hitting phase, I would often see it in his play and play along and see if we couldn't "exersize the demon" that way. VERY helpful. Ala, "Playful Parenting" by L. Cohen. Anytime you can take the sting out of the behavior it can help the child work through whatever it is and move on.

The VERY best thing you can do for yourself AND YOU CHILD in this situation is NOT to take it personally. It's so very hard, but can also be very damaging, can cloud your ability to see the whole child and therefore help him/her deal with the underlying cause. If it helps remember, it's what YOU bring to any given situation that the child truly internalizes. The child is a child and immature and therefore behaves that way. If you bring a sense of being hurt by whatever someone else says or does to you, then you teach your child to become hurt by what others say or do to him. If you hold yourself apart from the behavior and focus on helping your child, he learns not take what others say or do to him as a determining for his own worth. Also, he learns that you are there for him no matter what he does, but for who he wholly is. And then he learns also the VERY important art of problem solving... all good things!

Admittedly, this self talk helps me most days... and then sometimes not so much. But still, I keep talking to myself.

The best,

Em

[Isamama]

Originally Posted by Embee

Oh mama, I know what you mean. You do your best to deal with something, it subsides only to come back to haunt you. My DS has gone through hitting phases on and off since toddlerhood. Through the years, the reasons have changed dramatically. In early toddlerhood, it was really just exploration and not knowing. I could easily redirect or turn it into a "clap clap" together situation.

The VERY best thing you can do for yourself AND YOU CHILD in this situation is NOT to take it personally. It's so very hard, but can also be very damaging, can cloud your ability to see the whole child and therefore help him/her deal with the underlying cause. If it helps remember, it's what YOU bring to any given situation that the child truly internalizes. The child is a child and immature and therefore behaves that way. If you bring a sense of being hurt by whatever someone else says or does to you, then you teach your child to become hurt by what others say or do to him. If you hold yourself apart from the behavior and focus on helping your child, he learns not take what others say or do to him as a determining for his own worth. Also, he learns that you are there for him no matter what he does, but for who he wholly is. And then he learns also the VERY important art of problem solving... all good things!

Admittedly, this self talk helps me most days... and then sometimes not so much. But still, I keep talking to myself.

The best,

Em

Thank you Em for your kind, compassionate and helpful response. I am going to try to print your response out and read it over and over again.

I truly am grateful!

[Embee]

You are most welcome Isamama. I like your sig line by the way, "mothering myself." IMO, this is one of the most (THE MOST?) important things a mom can do for herself. The better I nurture myself, the easier it is to keep just about anything in perspective. Unfortunately it takes falling of the "self-nurturing" wagon and crawling back on over and over again to strengthen my resolve to continue working toward my parenting ideals. I've finally figured out that that is exactly what it's all about. The cycle... it's virtually unavoidable at least for me. Things go well for awhile, I'm the mom I want to be and then BOOM, I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I say or do the wrong thing and DS and I disconnect. Herein lies the process where I beat myself up (I'm getting better at forgiving myself but it's NOT easy to give up old habits), and then regain my composure and work to reconnect with DS so that we may both heal.

At the end of the day, this isn't such a bad thing when I look at it. DS will have trials in his life. They themselves are not so much important as how he deals with them. I hope in me (and DH too) he sees that it's the VERY rare thing that is beyond fixing, beyond our ability to deal with and heal from.

Hope I didn't pull the thread too far off topic.

The best,
Em

[angelcat]

Originally Posted by Jewelie

ohh, Amy, thats so hard. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. We went through this with both of my daughters. Its very developmental and we just got through it the same way you are, taking their hands and saying "gentle," while stroking our heads or arm or whatever with their little hands and trying to catch their hand before it struck and repeating, "gentle." It sucks but its very normal. They don't really "get" that they are hurting you, just as you said, seems like a great game b/c they can cause this "reaction" in you- wow- how powerful. humm, maybe some other cause and effect type games, like every time you push mommy's nose her tongue sticks out.... just a thought. hang in there!

This is good advice. Also, at this age, they don't' have really good motor control, and that doesn't help. I remember a calling my daughter a bully, starting at about 7-8 months, because my daughter wasn't always gentle about touching other babies. I just kept saying, and signing, "gentle" and redirecting her. It finally worked. She is 2 now, and much much better. Still needs to be reminded, especially if she's tired.

Originally Posted by Embee

I'm not sure what your redirection attempts include, but it is sometimes helpful to offer something that meets the need. My son has been through several hitting phases, and when he was young we redirected him to something that was OK to hit... a drum, a pot or pan for instance. This was a very helpful approach particularly in early toddlerhood. Also, just not making a huge deal of it, not letting it get to you can help. The less a reaction, the faster it will subside.

Hitting is a normal need for a lot of children. Getting them to hit things that or more appropriate is trickier. Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Em

I noticed my daughter started hitiing me around the time I started teaching her "give me five". So when she'd start hitting, I'd hold up my hand and tell her to give me five. It really helped. Now she can say "give me five" so that is even better.