A confession

[melikahiwa]

Ok here goes nothing......

I love the idea of GD. I try so hard to GD its not even funny. Anytime I'm negative (WAY TOO OFTEN!) I feel horrible afterwards.

I've started making posters and signs around the house to remind myself but I just struggle with keeping my cool when my two year old does certain things.

I try to redirect, I try to use positive reinforcement but I just struggle so much with this.

It would be soo much easier if I didn't feel so guilty but I do. I know I want to GD and don't understand why I struggle so much.

Time outs happen here : I yell too often and yes it makes me sick to my stomach...... Some days I seem to do well and well there are others when I don't know what to do :

Any super-powerful advice you guys have? I hate that I struggle so much with this.

[Collinsky]

Hugs mama!!
I'm mostly just replying to offer commiseration. I'm totally committed to gentle discipline, living consensually, radical unschooling... but I sometimes feel like I'm missing the gene that allows you to be respectful and patient and compassionate and creative and mindful in parenting. I feel like I'm basically just trying to do something that is way harder for me than it is for other GD moms, who have some sort of switch turned on in their brains that makes it so much more natural for them. Or a lobe there that I wasn't born with.

I try to be compassionate with myself. It's easy to think, what's wrong with me??? But I am so far from the way I was parented. Which seems like a small thing... but to break free of patterns that were ingrained in me during my impressionable formative years, and reinforced throughout my childhood... to choose a different path, that is amazing. Realistically all we can do is try to remain aware in as many situations as possible (instead of going into "default" mode) and realizing that even though we dont have any solution in that moment, a solution is possible. Calling on other GD moms helps me. Sometimes they can give you a detailed "Here's what you can try" - other times just one sentence can spark your own "Aha! Here's what I should do!" We (or at least I) haven't seen people handle situations with their children in respectful, effective, peaceful ways. It's not been modeled for us, so we're learning from scratch as adults. We see an ideal, but don't have all the tools to achieve it. But every day we're gaining experience... trial and error... new understanding. We wouldn't be angry with our children for needing time and practice to learn something, and yet we get so upset with ourselves for not instantly being Super Perfect Mom. We're getting there, but we're going to fall down sometimes. And we need to figure out how to mentally pick ourselves up, dust off our jeans, kiss our boo boo, and send us back out with the confidence that we ARE learning. Talking to my kids has been helpful, they see that sometimes I feel out of control and that I need coping strategies. My daughters have said, "Mommy, you need some space. You need to breathe," and "You need some happy thoughts, Mommy." (That's our phrasing for positive thinking. This has also helped when they are melting down, now they will say, "Mommy, I don't have any happy thoughts, only angry thoughts!" and we're able to help them get to a more peaceful place to work on solutions to whatever the problem was.

I know this was long, but I have a lot to say about Mama-guilt, because it is the most crippling thing I've experienced. Guilt doesn't lead to positive change, it leads to discouragement and being overwhelmed and defeated. It is *disempowering* and that's the opposite of what we need! But on a good note, the guilt means we see an ideal, that we are working to something better... so we shouldn't feel guilty for feeling guilt...

I also wanted to mention I've been reading the book Parenting From the Inside Out - I think you might enjoy it! So enlightening.

[Embee]

OH mama, it IS hard! We set very high standards for ourselves and when we don't measure up, it's all too easy to be hard on yourself. One thing I read a few years back has helped me: that GD begins with YOU. Giving yourself a big 'ol break for being human is necessary and okay. It also gives your child a model for taking it easy on himself when things go awry.

That said, I'm the QUEEN OF GUILT. I used to think it was all internal, but my son's behavior lately has told me otherwise. He is so incredibly hard on himself. And I know where he gets this. I get choked up to hear his negative thoughts about himself. I realize that even though my internal dialog is in my head, I must give off some pretty quilt ridden negative vibes about myself when I fall short of my parenting ideal.

Honestly, the best I can do is keep reading to nurture my philosophical outlook on parenting and then, do the very best I can. When I screw up, I can apologize, explain myself and move on. In turn, with this model, I allow my child to know that when he screws up he can do the same.

Hang in there mama and hang on to your philosophy. It's a good one. But remember, you are human and bring your own emotional baggage to the table as well. We are ALL learning and growing always, parents and children alike. And sometimes, I just don't think it's a bad thing for kids to see that we aren't perfect. They then, realize that it's ok for them not to be perfect.

My best way of dealing with those rough times is to make sure they are followed by some kind of healing activity. Example: I became frustrated and angry with my DS today because he kept pestering me to "come look" while I was trying to grab a quick (hot for a change) meal. He said to me, "You didn't know parenting would be this hard." It breaks my heart when he says things like this, but I opted NOT to add my own drama and just be honest. I said: "Parenting IS hard, at times. Being a kid is hard also and I know that because I was a kid myself once and I remember how hard it can be. I'm frustrated because I want to sit down and eat and I want for you to be patient while I do that. When I'm finished, my stomach will feel better, my brain will be more clear and you can show me all of your drawings and I will be better able to give you my full attention which is what I really want to do." DS relaxed, went back to drawing whilst I ate my breakfast without further interuption and when I was done, I kept my word and we spent some good healing and connecting time.

Hang in there mama! And remember, GD starts with you. yourself!

The best,
Em

[elizawill]

oh mama, you are definitely not alone. i became a "yeller" when my dd was 2 years old, and i would feel terribly guilty afterward. ....but then i would find myself yelling again at another time.: it's not even that the yelling was effective...i would just let our struggle escalate to that, ykwim?. i don't think time-outs are bad. i think the way parents use them to punish and humiliate children is bad, but a time out in itself is just taking a small break so that you can regroup. i give myself a time out when i'm about to go nuts and i feel my blood begin to boil....my kids don't like it, but it is to their benefit that we each go in our rooms for 5 minutes or so. we are not taking a time-out to punish or humiliate anyone....it's just necessary sometimes. i hardly ever raise my voice anymore (which is huge because i come from a yelling and loud family) i literally am trying to learn techniques i never knew existed growing up. i don't feel bad taking a time out at all; it keeps me from losing it and yelling or screaming....acting irrational....and later regretting it and feeling guilty. does that make sense. i hope so

i just wanted to add, when you mess up (and you will) apologize to your kids. i think it's important that we know hot to say sorry and ask for forgiveness.

[monkey's mom]

My favorite advice (originally from sandradodd.com) is to think of two responses you could do and then pick the better one.

That's it.

So if the kid is doing something that is making you insane, you stop and think, "OK, two choices: I could scream or I could walk away right now." And just walk away and calm down.

And next time it might be, "OK, two choices: Walk away or join in the silliness."

And then you're not setting yourself up for perfection for the rest of your life (b/c I don't know about anyone else, but darn it, if it's not gonna perfect, then screw it--might as well scream and freak out.)--you're just making small steps toward more gentle and mindful choices.

Hang in there! Lots of us struggle!!

[hippymomma69]

The thing that has helped me the most is to work on MYSELF. I read an Alice Miller book that really made me think about what life was like for me as a child (and for my parents) and I started to think about all the "unhealed" parts of me from my own childhood. Then I saw how they were triggers for me to lose my cool. It is the single most important thing that has helped me...to really look at my childhood and my own psyche and understand what affects me and why.

A couple of other good books I've read lately is "the dark side of the light chasers" (LOVED the idea behind this one) and "the dance of anger"....also becky bailey's book gets into some of this "working on yourself" stuff....

good luck!
peace,
robyn

[berkeleyp]

Right there with ya. I would love to be the perfect GD parent. Generally I am very connected to my dd and feel like i do pretty well much of the time but there are a few things she does that just push my buttons and suddenly this raving bad parent comes out and starts yelling. I know its me, its when I'M stressed, its when I'M tired, its when I'M having a bad day and trying to do too many things at once. I know this and think about changing it so often but the monster still emerges.

It doesn't generally last very long and I'm working on preventing the situations which I know push the buttons.

I ALWAYS apologize and give my dd big hugs and tell her I'm sorry and that it wasn't her fault that I blew up but its not good enough and I am wracked with guilt.

How do you suppress the inner monster?