Help me be at peace with ds' painted fingernails

[LynnS6]

So, dd wanted to paint her fingernails. Pink, as she's entering a girly phase. (No debates about fingernail polish please, I'm OK with it.) Ds (6) decided he wanted to paint his too - red because it's his favorite color, because fire engines are red.

In THEORY I'm OK with ds painting his nails. We painted them blue a few years back when that was his favorite color and all the neighbor girls were painting their nails.

But I find that in practice, now that ds is 6, I'm inordinately bothered by his painted nails. It may be because we're about to fly off to a family reunion and I KNOW that it'll get comments. But I couldn't bring myself to tell ds "nail polish is only for girls" because (a) it's not true and (b) I don't want my kids to have those kinds of stereotyped gender roles. If he wants to have red nails, who cares?

So, why am I so bothered with this? How can I be at peace with his style choice?

[HarperRose]

Remind yourself that he's only a kid, it may be a passing phase, and it's cute! If someone gets their shorts in a wad over it it's THEIR problem. Don't make it yours.

My mom would paint 1 or 2 of my brothers' nails when she was doing mine. And it was usually pink.

[absinthe]

I think it's really unfair that boy's style choices are so often dull and limited. Everything bright and loud and sparkly is "girl's stuff". If I were a young boy I would be drawn to nail polish and shiny stuff too. I think it's great that you are willing to examine your own motivation instead of just squelching your son's desires.
Yesterday I heard a father on the playground ask his preschooler son if he was a sissy because he was intimidated by the big slide. It broke my heart.

[Alkenny]

My older DS used to get his nails painted when he was younger too. No biggie and he's about the most 'manly' boy you could ever meet.

I agree that if others have a fit, that is THEIR hangup, but I can understand how that is eating at you.

[hubris]

You feel bothered because you grew up in a society that taught you that men/boys don't wear nail polish. It's very understandable that you're uncomfortable, you've been surrounded by gendered messages your whole life!

BUT what's more important is that you're identifying those feelings in yourself, turning them around, examining them, and challenging them. That's excellent. Good for you for this effort - it will help to make your children less burdened by silly gender norms than you are!

The more you do it, the easier it will get. (((hugs))) for your discomfort, though.

And yup, if anybody says anything, just look at 'em like they have two heads and tell them "what a silly thing to say, of course boys can have painted fingernails!"

[mistymama]

My son paints his toes bright red each time I do mine ... oh you should see some of the comments we've received here in Alabama now that it's summer and he's in sandals.

I'm the type that could care less what other people think, so I just laugh it off. I think it's awesome that you allowed him to paint his nails ... why is nail polish for girls only??

The other day we were in a store and a little boy picked out a pink shirt. His Dad totally shamed him and said, "We are boys! We hate pink!" I felt so bad for that little guy ... pink is pretty, who says you have to be a girl to like it?

You are an awesome, open minded mama. Try to not let other people bother you, easier said than done, I know.

[nicole lisa]

Originally Posted by hubris

You feel bothered because you grew up in a society that taught you that men/boys don't wear nail polish. It's very understandable that you're uncomfortable, you've been surrounded by gendered messages your whole life!

BUT what's more important is that you're identifying those feelings in yourself, turning them around, examining them, and challenging them. That's excellent. Good for you for this effort - it will help to make your children less burdened by silly gender norms than you are!

DS has always painted his finger and toe nails. He's now 6.5 and he still loves it. They've been every colour, including pink, sparly blue, purple, green, red, gold, silver and black. We often see other boys at the beach or swimming pool with painted nails as well.

If anyone says anything just ask them to repeat themselves with a "I'm sorry?" That's always worked in our experience.

[Laggie]

DH paints his fingernails and toenails black. He removes the fingernail polish for work though - corporate job. Actually, I think he wears nail polish more often than I do

I know a lot of men who put on nail polish for parties, festivals etc. I don't think it's a big deal although people do comment - usually they say "Nice nail polish"

I think it's great when people encourage their kids to break out of gender roles. Whether that means your daughter plays with trucks or your son wears nail polish, it's a good thing imo.

[LynnS6]

thanks, I knew this was the venue to come to!

Ds and I had a discussion about pink the other day. It used to be his favorite color. It's since been supplanted by red. He saw something pink and said "that's a girl's color". I stopped him and said "what makes it a girl's color." He thought for a moment and said, "well, I guess boys sometimes like pink too."

I agree it's a pain that boys' colors are so dull. When ds needs clean clothes, I do darks. When dd needs them, I do light. There's a downside for girls too - when dd gets dirty, her pants/shirts immediately show it, and the stains are much easier to notice.

Dd plays happily with fire trucks and buses. She also cares for dolls. And she declared today she wants to be a zookeeper. Ds' play is actually much more boy-specific and it always has been. He hasn't played much with dolls, and doesn't play much with the play kitchen. If it has wheels, he's interested in it! He still has his heart set on being a bus driver! At least it's a step up from garbage truck driver!

[heket]

Originally Posted by hubris

You feel bothered because you grew up in a society that taught you that men/boys don't wear nail polish. It's very understandable that you're uncomfortable, you've been surrounded by gendered messages your whole life!

BUT what's more important is that you're identifying those feelings in yourself, turning them around, examining them, and challenging them. That's excellent. Good for you for this effort - it will help to make your children less burdened by silly gender norms than you are!

The more you do it, the easier it will get. (((hugs))) for your discomfort, though.

And yup, if anybody says anything, just look at 'em like they have two heads and tell them "what a silly thing to say, of course boys can have painted fingernails!"

I'll just reiterate. I think this really hits home for many, including me.

My ds (only 26 months) sometimes will wear dd's dresses or her pink and rose colored fairy skirt with the rosebud on the waistband. I don't think anything of it. Plus, dd usually designates which dresses are appropriate to her and ds.

Having dealt with issues surrounding dd wearing nail polish at a young age, I doubt I would now try to discourage ds. They are experimenting and learning about themselves. I don't want to dismiss that.

Therefore, I also feel that perhaps your views are societal expectations. It's hard to let go what's ingrained.

[Maggieinnh]

Originally Posted by absinthe

Yesterday I heard a father on the playground ask his preschooler son if he was a sissy because he was intimidated by the big slide. It broke my heart.

POOR CHILD!!! It seems like most of these idio%#$ parents do not even have a clue what kind of damage they are doing to their children's souls when they say things like that!
You have to do drivers licenses to drive a car and tests in schools etc., I would go that far to say that there should be a test for adults before they can become parents!

Regarding the fingernails for your ds, I really like nicole lisa's and hubris's reply!

[jstar]

my ds (3yo) almost constantly has painted toes and often fingers too. it is how i bribe him to cut his toenails!!! i am *totally* fine with it but my dh is uncomfortable. and i don't usually do 'girly' colors just so it won't bug my dh so much. i have army green and dark blue and stuff like that. my dh is more worried about what people think and his real concern is that some day ds will have a bad interaction with someone making fun of him. i'm really not worried about it. there are so many things that have the potential for that.

i think at 6yo your son is old enough to make choices and if he *wants* red, let him have red! he is obviously self confident and not worried about what anyone else thinks....so that is great

[Monkeygrrl]

i agree with others...let them be painted...they are cool that way...you are cool and get to have your nails painted, why cant he?

and let others say what they want to...they are just jealous that they were not allowed to be so free with their style...LOL

peace...

[A Boy's Mama]

Here's the thing, I think that most people upon seeing a 6 year old boy with bright red fingernails would find it cute and funny (in a good way). The only thing that might make me hesitate would be how other kids would react and if it would be hard for him if he were made fun of over it. But really, if an adult would have an issue with it, the issue is on their end not your son's.

Speaking of which, my son is sporting pink toenails at the moment and proudly shows them off to anyone who he thinks might be interested.

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by hubris

You feel bothered because you grew up in a society that taught you that men/boys don't wear nail polish. It's very understandable that you're uncomfortable, you've been surrounded by gendered messages your whole life!

BUT what's more important is that you're identifying those feelings in yourself, turning them around, examining them, and challenging them. That's excellent. Good for you for this effort - it will help to make your children less burdened by silly gender norms than you are!

Absolutely! And I think you need to be giving yourself a big pat on the back because you've raised a six year old boy who wants to wear red nail polish! i think that's a huge sign of success on your part. i can't tell you how many times i've seen/heard 2 and 3 year olds who know that boys can't wear pink, etc, and believe it. woo hoo! i hope my ds has at least one friend as free as your son when he's six.

[JBaxter]

sitting here looking at some LOVELY bright pink toes on my 3 1/2 yr old DS LOL < we match>

[sugarmoon]

I agree w/ the general sentiment of all the replies. I just wanted to add that you may want to talk to your son about gender stereotyping a little bit --

My ds1 is almost 5 and he started going to a public preschool this winter -- he often wears "girls" shirts, w/ sparkles and lot of colors, "girls" velvet jeans etc. He is very shy and sensitive and had only been in our very accepting bubble of friends prior to preschool. I did talk to him about certain clothing items, saying that some people might think that shirt is only for girls, because some people don't know that boys like sparkles too. I'd tell him I thought it looked great, but it was up to him if he wanted to wear it to school or not. Usually he'd choose to, but sometimes he'd change. It never had a long-term effect -- he never totally quit wearing any particular shirt or anything, and he is a pretty strong minded kid.

I just felt like it was important to give him some fair warning that kids might say something, and some ammo to come back with (you just don't know that boys can like sparkles too).

You might want to give you ds some warning prior to the reunion and help him be ready to respond well when a great uncle says something to him, yk?

JMO, ymmv.

[Doodlebugsmom]

Originally Posted by JBaxter

sitting here looking at some LOVELY bright pink toes on my 3 1/2 yr old DS LOL < we match>

Ds (3) and I painted ours sparkly-purple this afternoon. Dd (5) didn't want hers done!

OP, my neighbor was uncomfortable with his 3 year-old son painting his toes until he was talking with his mother about it and she said he liked to have his painted when he was that age too! If I were you, I'd try to just let this go.

[beansavi]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

So, dd wanted to paint her fingernails. Pink, as she's entering a girly phase. (No debates about fingernail polish please, I'm OK with it.) Ds (6) decided he wanted to paint his too - red because it's his favorite color, because fire engines are red.

In THEORY I'm OK with ds painting his nails. We painted them blue a few years back when that was his favorite color and all the neighbor girls were painting their nails.

But I find that in practice, now that ds is 6, I'm inordinately bothered by his painted nails. It may be because we're about to fly off to a family reunion and I KNOW that it'll get comments. But I couldn't bring myself to tell ds "nail polish is only for girls" because (a) it's not true and (b) I don't want my kids to have those kinds of stereotyped gender roles. If he wants to have red nails, who cares?

So, why am I so bothered with this? How can I be at peace with his style choice?

Just wanted to chime in and say that I went thru this with my ds, too...but with barrettes.

[MidgeMommy]

My DH grew up with three younger sisters, and paints nails better than I do. His mom says he used to paint all the girls, and then himself, because the activity would keep them distracted for a whole afternoon, and she was more than happy to have that time!

Now he keeps his nails painted black as much as possible, and I think it's pretty sexy... However, now that he's older, his family complains. (They complain about the long hair, too, but that's more of a family joke.)

I'm glad so many parents are willing to let their sons paint their nails; men and boys deserve body adornments as much as girls; I think it's much more damaging to tell boys they aren't allowed to 'make-up' themselves than it is to let them deal with a few stupid comments from people who feel like enforcing unfair gender steretypes.