DD1 (26m) has never been a "good" sleeper. She has always awakened upset, multiple times a night, even when we're laying right next to her. We started gentle nightweaning when I was pregnant with DD2. We were successfully nightweaned, with no trauma, for part of March and most of April.
Starting toward the end of April, she started getting utterly hysterical upon every awakening. The ONLY way to soothe her was to pop a boob in her mouth (literally; asking if she'd like to nurse just resulted in more and louder screaming). So, in the interest of peace and sleeping, we decided to un-nightwean. She still woke upset multiple times, but I just short-circuited the screaming with nursing.
Now that DD2 is here, I can't do that as much. Many times, DD1's awakening (almost always involving going from a dead sleep to screaming or crying) wakes up the baby. Once the baby is awake, I have to nurse and/or settle her before I can nurse DD1. If the baby is given second priority, she will take 30-90 minutes to go back down if she's allowed to awaken fully. DD1 gets so, so, so, so upset if she's asked to wait or if I don't short-circuit the screaming immediately.
The screaming is of the hysterical variety. Loud, intense, persisent. So much that I fear she is going to vomit, she is so upset. You can hear her vocal cords straining. Many times she starts to get physical as well - kicking, arching her back, rolling, flinging her arms about wildly.
We've tried validating feelings: "you're upset that you have to wait. you wanted to nurse now. you don't like that the baby is nursing." etc. This seems to have little obvious effect, neither good nor bad.
We've tried reasoning: "your screaming is waking the baby. when the baby wakes, you have to wait to nurse." This is met with more screaming.
The only thing that "works" seems to be a form of logical consequences, with a bit of crying in arms: "when you scream, you have to leave the room until you are ready to be calm." In this instance DH takes her into the other bedroom and waits with her until she calms down. Sometimes she cries until she calms down and falls asleep with him in that room. Sometimes she calms down and returns to our bedroom to nurse (usually by that time, the baby is done and/or settled).
The whole cycle takes about 15-30 minutes - of intensely loud and very upset screaming. The problem with this aprroach is that I feel like it doesn't solve anything in the long run. Also, I hate making her leave the room, but if she stays in the room screaming, it will fully wake/upset the baby and then we're all gauranteed to be up for 2hrs.
The issue is further complicated by the fact that she'd love to nurse and nurse and nurse all night long once she gets going. To nurse down at night, we've settled on nursing in the rocking chair. Either she falls asleep and I transfer her to bed, or she finishes nursing and I rub her back in bed while she sleeps. In the middle of the night, she really just wants to nurse forever. If I try to cut her off when the sucking stops and the latch gets slack, she will start the whole hysterical screaming meltdown all over, instantly. I really don't just want to pop a boob back in her mouth to stop the meltdown, because I don't want to encourage the behavior or create a cause-effect relationship there. When the screaming starts again, it's another cycle of removing her from the room and calming, etc.
Is there anything else I can do to help her? Any suggestions? DH and I were thinking of trying night weaning again, but DD1 CLEARLY has a major need for nighttime nursing again, so I'm not sure if that would work (and I'm fairly sure it would creat more screaming in the short term).
Of course, on top of that, there is a resulting secondary issue: DH and I get really short-tempered in the middle of the night. We take it out on each other, trying to micromanage each others' techniques and in generally just being pissy. In the light of day, we apologize and talk about it, but in the heat of the moment, we take our frustrations out on each other. I really dislike that part. We are 99% in agreeance with our discipline tactics, but that 1% is causing a rift (DH believes that it's okay to shut DD1 in her room for a minute if she's throwing a tantrum, if he's right on the other side; he likes to use "if you can't do abc, then xyz"...) Additionally, when one of us loses our cool and raises our voice or has to walk away for a minute, the other gets judgemental - we do this equally to each other - but only in the middle of the night. We're both cranky beyotches when we're woken in the middle of the night normally. Add the screaming toddler and the pressure to not wake the baby, and it's totally a scary, high-stress situation.
Sorry this was so long. I just needed to get it all out.
: I will gladly listen to all suggestions with an open mind.
Starting toward the end of April, she started getting utterly hysterical upon every awakening. The ONLY way to soothe her was to pop a boob in her mouth (literally; asking if she'd like to nurse just resulted in more and louder screaming). So, in the interest of peace and sleeping, we decided to un-nightwean. She still woke upset multiple times, but I just short-circuited the screaming with nursing.
Now that DD2 is here, I can't do that as much. Many times, DD1's awakening (almost always involving going from a dead sleep to screaming or crying) wakes up the baby. Once the baby is awake, I have to nurse and/or settle her before I can nurse DD1. If the baby is given second priority, she will take 30-90 minutes to go back down if she's allowed to awaken fully. DD1 gets so, so, so, so upset if she's asked to wait or if I don't short-circuit the screaming immediately.
The screaming is of the hysterical variety. Loud, intense, persisent. So much that I fear she is going to vomit, she is so upset. You can hear her vocal cords straining. Many times she starts to get physical as well - kicking, arching her back, rolling, flinging her arms about wildly.
We've tried validating feelings: "you're upset that you have to wait. you wanted to nurse now. you don't like that the baby is nursing." etc. This seems to have little obvious effect, neither good nor bad.
We've tried reasoning: "your screaming is waking the baby. when the baby wakes, you have to wait to nurse." This is met with more screaming.
The only thing that "works" seems to be a form of logical consequences, with a bit of crying in arms: "when you scream, you have to leave the room until you are ready to be calm." In this instance DH takes her into the other bedroom and waits with her until she calms down. Sometimes she cries until she calms down and falls asleep with him in that room. Sometimes she calms down and returns to our bedroom to nurse (usually by that time, the baby is done and/or settled).
The whole cycle takes about 15-30 minutes - of intensely loud and very upset screaming. The problem with this aprroach is that I feel like it doesn't solve anything in the long run. Also, I hate making her leave the room, but if she stays in the room screaming, it will fully wake/upset the baby and then we're all gauranteed to be up for 2hrs.
The issue is further complicated by the fact that she'd love to nurse and nurse and nurse all night long once she gets going. To nurse down at night, we've settled on nursing in the rocking chair. Either she falls asleep and I transfer her to bed, or she finishes nursing and I rub her back in bed while she sleeps. In the middle of the night, she really just wants to nurse forever. If I try to cut her off when the sucking stops and the latch gets slack, she will start the whole hysterical screaming meltdown all over, instantly. I really don't just want to pop a boob back in her mouth to stop the meltdown, because I don't want to encourage the behavior or create a cause-effect relationship there. When the screaming starts again, it's another cycle of removing her from the room and calming, etc.
Is there anything else I can do to help her? Any suggestions? DH and I were thinking of trying night weaning again, but DD1 CLEARLY has a major need for nighttime nursing again, so I'm not sure if that would work (and I'm fairly sure it would creat more screaming in the short term).
Of course, on top of that, there is a resulting secondary issue: DH and I get really short-tempered in the middle of the night. We take it out on each other, trying to micromanage each others' techniques and in generally just being pissy. In the light of day, we apologize and talk about it, but in the heat of the moment, we take our frustrations out on each other. I really dislike that part. We are 99% in agreeance with our discipline tactics, but that 1% is causing a rift (DH believes that it's okay to shut DD1 in her room for a minute if she's throwing a tantrum, if he's right on the other side; he likes to use "if you can't do abc, then xyz"...) Additionally, when one of us loses our cool and raises our voice or has to walk away for a minute, the other gets judgemental - we do this equally to each other - but only in the middle of the night. We're both cranky beyotches when we're woken in the middle of the night normally. Add the screaming toddler and the pressure to not wake the baby, and it's totally a scary, high-stress situation.
Sorry this was so long. I just needed to get it all out.
: I will gladly listen to all suggestions with an open mind.
:
s mama
