Need advice...dh got hit by a 5yr old.

[gypsymomma]

Hello mama's...My sisters ds, 5yrs old, hit my dh the other night. I did not tell my sister. why? I do not know.....my ds is 4 and he and his cousin are totally opposite. Our son is gentle, sensitive, reserved, kind etc., her ds is the extreme opposite. They do not really play well together, our time together is limited and has become distant because of hitting, saying mean things the list goes on. I can't talk to my sis about her childrens behavior because she gets very definsive and turns it all around.......Also my BIL works for us, he's a great employee. Last year I tried to talk to my sis about her ds hitting our ds and a few other problems, it in turn effected work and was a big mess. So what do I do??????

What led up to my dh getting hit? My dh, myself, our ds and sis's ds were riding in our truck and they were talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up. We were all laughing (you can imagine what 4/5yr olds come up with), sis's ds said he wanted to be a bowler, my dh said "a ballarina!" SLAP (dh was driving)! We were both in shock! I gave him the speach about we don't hit, hitting is not nice etc. He wouldn't look at me, he just shut me out. Now 3 days later I am so mad that I didn't say anything to my sis and BIL. Its such a mess.....and when my ds and his cousin play, cousin is smashing cars and talking about people getting killed and my ds is wanting to rescue and help the hurt cars and people. I am at such a loss, I don't want my ds around him anymore!!! What do I do????? Its family!!

Thanks for listing, sorry this post is long. Any advice would be helpful. I really find comfort here at MDC, and as you can see I don't have many posts. I'm pretty shy and tend to just read all the different forums hoping to find similar situations.

Peace

[velochic]

I think you handled it well by telling your nephew why you don't hit. Unfortunately, you don't have much control over how he is raised, so the best you can do is to give him examples of gentle discipline from your own immediate family. I certainly wouldn't be mad over a 5 year old hitting an adult. The mature thing to do is to blow it off, say your bit, and move on.

[LynnS6]

It sounds like he has a hard time expressing frustration. Some 5 year olds still hit. How do I know? Our 6 year old hit me on Saturday. Not hard, but he was REALLY frustrated and couldn't at the moment do anything else. I caught his hand, we sat down on a bench and talked it through. But I've had to work for several years to get to this point. And ds isn't a frequent hitter, he just can't express emotion and sometimes lets it go physically.

Originally Posted by gypsymomma

He wouldn't look at me, he just shut me out.

Oh, he heard you. His not looking at you tells me he was ashamed of his own behavior and didn't know what to do.

It sounds like you've got kids on two different ends of the spectrum - one intense, physical child and one serene, careful child. That's not a great mix, but don't blame your sister entirely for having a child different from yours. His play does NOT sound out of line to me at all.

What would be your purpose in mentioning it to your sister? What do you want her to do? If you can't answer those positively, don't say anything.

What would happen if you said "The boys are older now and I'd like to do more with my nephew, but since he's so different from ds, I'm sometimes at a loss as to what works best with him when he loses his temper or melts down. What do you do with him at home when he gets frustrated and hits?"

[caycat]

Do your ds and your sister's enjoy playing together? Do they each enjoy the role they take on--if no one was smashing up the cars, who would your ds have to take to the hospital?

You don't say whether this is a broader issue? Does you sister have very different values or child rearing beliefs? Or is it that her son is just more agressive/physical? Is he often physically violent against others or is it more the games he plays?

I am a little sensitive on this issue as ds #1 still lashes out when frustrated. We work with him on the issues but it is frustrating for me when teachers, other parents, act as if we should just snap my fingers and solve the problem? He also seems to shut down when he feels bad. He won't say sorry in person although he will make a beautiful card to do so.

The interesting thing is that he is actually my more sensitive playing child. It is ds #2 who is interested in all things violent right now. For instance, he knows that we don't play with weapons but if 2 toy dragons were fighting would that be ok? This one says sorry so easily that it has no meaning.

I think you handled the situation with your sister's son pretty well. I wouldn't worry about telling your sister. What could she do about it now? He isn't going to learn anything from having a lecture 3 days later.

[lula]

He is a 5 year old child. Sometimes they hit, I don't see it as such shocking behavior. I certainly recall hitting by my siblings as children. (I wasn't the hitter it was ALL my brother! )

I think you handled it well. Obviously, if this is a repeated problem and your nephew is constantly hitting something needs to be told to his mother but my guess is that she probably already knows about the situation. What do you think she should do differently?

I also wouldn't judge this boy as not being sensitive. Why did he hit your dh? Did her perceive that your dh insulted him by saying he should be a ballerina? (a sometimes not "cool" thing to grow up to be if perhaps bowling is your next best option) I agree that the hitting is wrong but I would also examine exactly how you are judging this boy. He may be working things out that bother him by play acting about death, accidents etc.

Is your son bothered by his cousin?

[hottmama]

Wow, it sounds like you really don't like this kid.
My son is 4.5-- he sometimes hits people (adults, not kids). He is easily frustrated and also doesn't like to apologize. And he plays rough, physical games-- he wrestles with us and his brother (and anyone else who'll play!), he crashes cars into each other, he even throws his favorite baby doll (Elizabeth, his constant companion) at the ceiling. But I would certainly not say he is the extreme opposite of: gentle, sensitive, reserved, kind etc. and I don't think that is a nice thing to say about any child.

Your SIL's son sounds like a normal 5 yr. old with a different temperament than your own and I think you need to try and get over your aversion to your nephews personality.

[gypsymomma]

Thanks ya'll for responding to my post. Sorry it has taken me awhile to reply, I have been tending to the ranch. I really appreciate all your insight and comments. I did not mean to offend anyone about the "hitting" issue. I realize now, after posting, its hard to write one post and expect folks to understand where I am coming from. But its all good. I have been working real hard to be more tolorant & accepting of others personalities, up until lately I have done well. We all have our limits and breaking points, right?

I do thank ya'll for taking the time to share. I only wish the best for my sister and her family, I really wish she would visit MDC. I've tried, but she thinks I'm wierd, NFL/GD/BF etc is wierd. So be it.......

gypsymomma

[water]

My almost 6-yo DS still hits us occasionally when he can't handle his emotions:frustration, embarrassment etc. He also plays lost of crashing cars, swordplay, fighting and wrestling. He was breastfed until he turned 5 yo, he co-sleeps with us and we practice gentle discipline.

Some kids have this personality, they just need more help to work out the emotions without hitting. It doesn't mean he is a bad kid. And the swordplay/fighting/wrestling stuff is WAY normal.