Need help with negative comments from relatives...ok, my mom!

[twogreencars]

My mom came over yesterday and called DD VICIOUS. DD was gently pulling on her hair. THIS REALLY BUGGED ME. DD is a BABY - a 7mo - she is exceptionally sweet and EASY GOING - very very mellow - rarely cries - but is full of laughs, smiles, etc.

Why did my mother say that? A few weeks ago, she also said DD had a "sneaky" look. HUH? What's the deal? Projection? DH just laughs, but it REALLY rubs me the wrong wrong way. Why can she just say "what a cute/lovely/fill in the postitive adjective baby"????!!!!! I said that DD is NOT VICIOUS and not to say that. My mom said "I was only joking." I personally don't find that funny.

How would you react if your mom said this? Any retorts I can counter with next time? I'm really ticked off.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

VENT OVER. Thanks, mamas!

[CrunchyParent]

I don't know if your mom will be open to suggestions, but if so maybe you could ask her to comment on DD's behavior rather than on her character. For instance, "Mom, please just tell her "ow" or "gentle touches" (while modeling) or "that hurts."

[TypingMarie]

red text, my eyes!

I like CrunchyParent's suggestion about talking to your mom. It sounds like you mother may just be careless about her choice of words when she jokes. I doubt she has any malice behind what she says.

[twogreencars]

Originally Posted by VernaBloom

red text, my eyes!

I know - I changed it when I looked at it! I was seeing RED when I posted it...but...so hard to read...Is blue better?

[Dov'sMom]

Sorry, no real suggestions, just .

I always hated hearing people comment on other people's characteristics when they're unhappy about a specific thing that's happening, but to call a baby vicious? I don't know. My MIL yells at me whenever I call my baby weird!

Have you told her you really don't like to characterized? How does she relate to your older children?

[co-op mama]

I think i would just say in a joking tone, " baby's can't be vicious" she doesn't know that she's hurting you give her (insert XYZ toy) so that she doesn't hurt you any more.

Sorry that your mom is being so insensitive. I hope that in the future you can redirect her so that she doesn't hurt your feelings again!

M

[treqi]

Originally Posted by VernaBloom

red text, my eyes!

OMG!! you had me scared for a sec.

"Well if shes vicious you're a B!#CH!" No I'd say babies don't understand sarcasam but they do understand negitivisim and it makes them sad so you like to keep things positive around her so she's happier

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by treqi

"Well if shes vicious you're a B!#CH!"

I probably WOULD say that. I'd just tell her NOT to speak about her like that & if she didn't stop she clearly has issues & I'd limit contact - her choice.

[heket]

I hate to say this, but it reminds me of when dh would say that dd was being a brat (and she was no older than 15 months. I'd calmly tell him, no she wasn't, she was merely experiencing a developmental change (be it emotional, physical, etc. Dd was tough to live with before 12 months because she was colicky and both dh and I spent many a night walking her in a sling. By 15 months, he was very worn out.) Because he knew no other phrases or adjectives other than brat, he thought it was fine. I had to clue him in on the inappropriateness of saying that -- she's difficult, she's having a bad day, she woke up on the wrong side of the bed...

By the time ds came around, thankfully, he's been much more patient. But describing an action as being "bratty" has still come up. Thankfully, he doesn't say it in front of the kids.

Unfortunately, he comes from a very dysfunctional family where that kind of talk was acceptable. He has had to re-learn many things with the dc that was a norm that his family. He's still learning.

Have you simply told her how much this bothers you? I would. I would tell her how it bothers me that she found her grandchild to have these qualities at such a young age. Was she wishing your dd ill fate? I have found most times that people in general will live up to the expectations that you set. Is being vicious and sneaky the qualities that she wished to see in her grandchild? She probably hadn't thought of it in that light.

[phillychiquita]

I agree with the PP that you should tell her it bothers you.

We just "outlawed" the word fussy, b/c one grandmom was using it too much with DD. Truthfully, DD is not a fussy baby and I feel that calling her that makes it sound like she is overly needy when in fact she is just trying to tell us something. Plus, I believe that if you call them something (especially at such a young age) they will only live up to what you have labeled them as, and we dont want her to be labeled as "the fussy one" by the family. So I just said "mom, we have outlawed the use of the word fussy to describe DD" and explained my reasoning, and it stopped.

[GradysMom]

if it were I .... these comments from you mom are rubbing you the wrong way because they are first a window into how you were seen and talked to as a very young child. To me, obviously your mother had innappropriate expectation (as did mine) and it still hurts your feelings.

Secondly The good news is you are the mom now - and you get to set limits and protect your babe. It is your privelege and duty to tell everyone - including mom- that dc is a babe and as innocent as the new sun.... that it is all curiosity and exploration... Then maybe say... "give her to me she may pull my hair, with guidance, all she wants!"


I see pp have said it better than I - but personally I don't take the negative stuff lightly.... it drove me crazy that when I went over due people kept saying the baby was stubborn.... thats a hell of a label for the new guy to deal with! Ans when things are said aloud it takes things to a new level... even in joking it becomes part of the atmosphere kwim. I certainly wouldn't ignore it.

I also find I have to guide dp with choice of words sometimes as another pp said.

[xois]

if it were me, I'd say

"well if she is vicious, she clearly takes after YOU"

that would bother me to

[arlecchina]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

I probably WOULD say that.

I would too. a 7 month old is not capable of being vicious or sneaky, it's not even funny if she was joking (I gather from your anger she was not)