Have you tried ignoring whining/fits? - Page 2

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by sledg

The other thought, and this is related b/c it's how I came to be more calm about whining through understanding differently, is to point out that if you could respond calmly you would-there's a reason you don't-and this is much the same as a child's whining. In that moment, for whatever reason, they just can't quite access those wonderful words and ways of communicating that they know are better. Just like we parents sometimes, for various reasons, can't quite do what we know is better in the heat of certain moments-this doesn't make us less responsible for our actions/words, just points to what we need in order to do better next time.

I definitely see that. I think it's true that adults expect way more of kids than we expect from adults. I try not to, and usually don't. But this was a good thing to have pointed out to me.
(I find it strange when people say that their toddlers "know better than to do x" so when the toddler DOES do x, that means they MUST be being defiant. There are soooo many things that adults do, that they know better. Hmmm...like the two bowls of ice cream I ate yesterday? lol)

[Paigerina]

Originally Posted by sledg

Also, I think that sometimes it is just hard to be little.

This is so important to remember.

[lalaland42]

I told DD today (26 months) that I don't understand whining and would you please use a polite tone of voice and voila she said her very next sentence in a normal, 26-month-old tone. -With the whining I couldn't tell whether she was asking for a burrito or yogurt. She was asking for a burrito if you care.

I didn't read most of the other responses but I do like the term "regular voice" better than "polite tone". I will use that one next time.

Also, I have noticed that DD can understand me when she is screaming or whining and if I just respond to her, let her know that I am hearing her and I need her to use words, the screaming or whining stops. So, it works for us and I no longer want to puncture my own ear drums.

[Fuamami]

I haven't read all of the responses, but I have tried this, and so has dh, and it has not worked AT ALL. I've only tried it with dd, as ds1 has been kind of a slow talker and I don't want to discourage his talking now.

But here's what happened. She got kind of freaked out because I think she couldn't figure out where we were coming from. It didn't help at all. She just whined louder and more anxiously.

If you think he's whining to purposefully irritate you, can you figure out why? Is he overtired, and looking for conflict to rev up his adrenaline? Is he feeling frustrated about something and trying to express it but can't figure out how? Is he in a stage of development where there's lots of things "exploding" for him, and it's kind of scary and overwhelming?

Sometimes I can figure these things out, sometimes I can't. Most of the time, I think it's best not to ignore them, but just the fact that they're whining. If they're just in the habit, I'd just calmly point it out. But if it's because of something that's going on in their lives, it'll probably stop soon.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by natensarah

If you think he's whining to purposefully irritate you, can you figure out why? Is he overtired, and looking for conflict to rev up his adrenaline? Is he feeling frustrated about something and trying to express it but can't figure out how? Is he in a stage of development where there's lots of things "exploding" for him, and it's kind of scary and overwhelming?

He's definitely not doing it to irritate me. And it's not to create conflict. I'd bet that that's the furthest thing from his mind. We very rarely have power struggles. Sometimes he's contrary just for the sake of being contrary, but I honestly deal well with that and it very rarely bothers me, and I think that gets those urges out of his system.
It's all the time, so it's not a tired or hungry thing. *Maybe* frustration, but only over not getting his way immediately and exactly how he wanted it. (iow, it's not because he doesn't understand what I'm saying, or because he can't express himself clearly.)

If they're just in the habit, I'd just calmly point it out.

I think this is exactly what it is. It's a habit for him. It just seems to him to be the best way to express himself and get his way (and I'm not saying "get his way" in a negative way. I think we all would prefer to get our own way, yk?)

I think I might go with a short response, along the lines of "You seem frustrated/disappointed/unhappy." and/or "I need you to tell me what you want in a regular voice."
My old script, as much as I like it, just takes too much staying calm for me sometimes!

[2bluefish]

I can usually gauge from dd's behavior whether I need to disengage or respond. Sometimes she actually is trying to push my buttons for attention - showing her that that is not an acceptable way to get my attention by disengaging from her does work and the whining will stop. Other times she is genuinely in need, and responding kindly to her need with a reminder that whining is not the way to communicate is appropriate at those times.

[majikfaerie]

okay, I found this thread and lapped it up - I'm really having trouble at the moment with DD whining and throwing tantrums all the time.
and basically, we do all these things; we dont ignore the whining/ fits, I just say calmly something like, "I hear you honey, you need XYZ, but its really hard for me to understand you when you're whining, so please use a normal voice next time".

BUT

my DD started doing this when she was 2, and now she's 4, and she literally WHIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYNES EVERY request. I honestly hardly ever hear her speaking in a "normal" voice, except with her dolls. she just whines.
all.the.time.

Do i sound like I'm complaining? good. I am. For once, I'm not giving out the good advice, I'm actually drowning here. Its getting to a point that DH is seriously talking with me about quitting the whole GD/AP thing and doing we dont know what (really, we dont know! we've just done the most full-on AP and GD and Unconditional Parenting from the word Go).

Flat out, this is just not working for us and we are getting to a crisis point.

[dawncayden]

Hey Becky,

Here's that podcast I mentioned: http://www.positivediscipline.com/podcast/index.html

sorry I can't help more, with C being 17 months, we aren't quite 'there' yet

Dawn

[lizabird]

I don't think I have 100% just ignored the behaviors I don't like. If ds starts up with the whining/screaming/etc., I tell him immediately that he'll need to talk in a normal voice before I can do anything for him and then I go about whatever I was doing until he does. Usually he snaps right out of it, though that's not to say 10 seconds later when he needs something else, he won't start right back with the whining screaming/etc. I don't know how I feel about it. I"m not sure what the best thing to do is, I know this behavior is a common phase that most kids try. He doesn't do it ALL the time (not usually anyway ). I am sure it's a passing phase and I will try my best to stay calm and collected and model my best behavior for him... (I just keep telling myself that)

[monkey's mom]

Sometimes we just bust out with, "Daddy! I WANT another pony!" or, "Make time go FASTER!" a la Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

It breaks the tension and lets the person know that they're soundin' kinda bossy.

And showing them what a "whiney" voice actually sounds like has been a big help here.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by dawncayden

Hey Becky,

Here's that podcast I mentioned: http://www.positivediscipline.com/podcast/index.html

sorry I can't help more, with C being 17 months, we aren't quite 'there' yet

Dawn

Thanks! I'll check that out...

Originally Posted by lizabird

I don't think I have 100% just ignored the behaviors I don't like. If ds starts up with the whining/screaming/etc., I tell him immediately that he'll need to talk in a normal voice before I can do anything for him and then I go about whatever I was doing until he does. Usually he snaps right out of it, though that's not to say 10 seconds later when he needs something else, he won't start right back with the whining screaming/etc. I don't know how I feel about it.

I'm in the same place. That's not something that I'd do if I could parent by my ideals. But...I'm not perfect, and I'm wondering if something like that might be better than what I do sometimes (which usually is me rolling my eyes and sighing, or yelling. How mature am I? lol)

[dawncayden]

I also liked most of whats in the book Playful Parenting (which u can get from the library) but I can't think of a good example of his with whining in mind

[elizawill]

oops - i posted a reply to wrong person...glad i caught it....it would have been a very strange response

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by monkey's mom

Sometimes we just bust out with, "Daddy! I WANT another pony!" or, "Make time go FASTER!" a la Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

It breaks the tension and lets the person know that they're soundin' kinda bossy.

And showing them what a "whiney" voice actually sounds like has been a big help here.

ha ha, this made me laugh!!!!! my kids would be so ticked off at me if i tried this technique....but i sure will be thinking it next time. very funny indeed

[monkey's mom]

Yes, it's a careful line. Part of why I think it works for us is b/c we were quoting it and laughing about it already. And it's always said with a twinkle in the eye and in a teasing manner. But, we tease a lot like that and everyone gets a kick out of it. So now it's like an inside joke and a code phrase.

[DevaMajka]

Just wanted to say, that I've been telling ds "I hear that you have a need, but I need you to ask in a different way" when he whines. It's working really well. He's been responding right back in a non-whiny voice, and it doesn't seem to be bothering him at all that I'm asking him to use a different voice.
It's relatively nice, but it doesn't require a lot of compassion (that I can't come up with sometimes). And honestly, forcing it just wears me out!
I think perhaps he just needed to be reminded, in a calm but honest way, that he was indeed whining, and that it annoyed me to no end. lol.

Anyways, I wanted to thank you all for talking me out of ignoring whining (though chances are I'd not be able to do it if I tried anyways. lol)

[nd_deadhead]

My twin boys are almost 13, but they went through a whining/tantruming phase. The good news is that they eventually outgrew it!

To me, whining and tantrums are completely different things. Whining is a request made in an annoying tone of voice; a fit is an emotional outburst (though a fit might follow whining...)

With my kids and whining, I would usually say something like "I might be able to do that. Do you suppose you could ask in a nice voice?"

We have a hard and fast rule in our house: fits don't work! No amount of crying, screaming, or slamming doors is going to make me change my mind about something. But I definitely did address the emotional outburst. Usually I would lead a screaming child to the nearest bedroom, and tell him he could calm down in the bedroom, and come out when he felt better. Sometimes he would take a deep breath and walk right out with me; other times he might stay there for an hour. In the bedroom, I would ask "Do you want to sit on the bed or the chair? Lights on or off? Door open or closed? Do you want me to stay or go?" I felt that those choices would help him feel a bit of control over his environment, even if he didn't feel control over his emotions.

If he wanted me to leave, I would check on him frequently, just go in the room and sit by him, give him a hug, ask him if he wanted to talk about it, ask if he was ready to come out. Sometimes that was what he wanted; other times it was not.

How did they feel about it? They got to the point where if they felt out of control, they would go to another room on their own, so I think it was an acceptable way to handle those situations.

I agree with the others that ignoring isn't the way to go. It's OK to acknowledge feelings without giving in to demands. As my kids learned to deal with the disappointment of not getting their way on everything, and learned to trust that when I said No, I had a good reason, they stopped having tantrums. They could still be mad, but without the emotional volcano.

[Tinas3muskateers]

If mine are acting this way the first time I will look at them talk to them and validate how they feel then after that I go on about what I am doing and as they whine or moan about something I keep talking to them but I dont look at them or stop what I am doing. Then when I am done I ask them to be ask me in a nicer voice and then I can help them.