Hellllllpppppppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[abandbunk]

Please please please anyone at all, i need help so bad, i am going out of my everloving mind w/my kids. the basic problem is my four year old ds hurting my 3 yr old dd. i feel like i have tried everything, and nothing seems to work, at all, tonight he actually hit her in the stomach i dont' think he 'knew what he was doing' so to speak, as in, how much worse it is to hit someone in teh stomach verses say thier arm or something, but my god, i can hardly take it anymore, i just felt like crying adn screaming , i am so worried she is really going to get hurt, it makes me so sad and produces so much anxiety for me. he is a good kid (aren't they all lol) but he has no impulse control, he gets mad at her (and usually it is rightfully so, she can be a pest of course (what sibling isn't), and i know she at least sometimes is the reason he "gets in trouble" in terms of she harrasses him or puts him in a situation where he will get mad and act out, against her, and, of course, he is the one that gets reprimanded (sp?). and i've talked to them both about it ad infinitum, and have pretty much basically gotten nowhere, i can not handle this any more tho, the thought that he coudl have really hurt her makes me literally ill feeling, and it just kills me to think of my dd getting hurt, or even just being scared of him, and the person doing it, is my own son, it kills me, it hurts so bad to think of them having this trouble, and i feel like such a failer for not being able to figure out how to 'fix it' . i know he needs more outside time, running around time, so i have been making extra sure he gets it, he coudl certainly use more time w/his dad, but thats a whole nother story, his dad doesnt' seem to want to be available for him anyway i'm rambling, i just serioulsy need help, so bad, i just feel like crying, i am so sad that our days could be so happy and fun, i am a sahm w/two beautiful fascinating children, and when they get along we have SO much fun, i serioulsy love life when they are getting along even half way nicely, but when they fight (which seems more and more ofetn, and more severe) i just want to cry or run away, i am feeling so helpless and like i dont' have any control over the situation, i know they need more time apart, and i am trying hard to make that happen, and i try to have them play seperatly in the house ofetn too, to no avail, even if they are fighting constantly they still can't stand not playing together @@ . i know it has to be hard for them both too, being that they are only 17 months apart, but serioulsy, i dont' know what to do anymore, i just want some peace in the house, and i will end w/the fact that they do get along other times, sometimes they will play for literally two hours together so nicely, off in thier fantasy world of some sort (usually they go to the moon and have a picnic but lately they have gone to mexico and china as well :P ), so, life is good, but these moments of drama are seriously wearing me out, i just love them both so much, and it hurts so bad to have our days ruined by thier bickering and fighting .
god bless you if you read this all lol

P.S. so so sorry for the lack of proper puncuation and paragraphs.

[Justmee]

! Being home with two young kids all day is tough, even if they don't fight.

My twins & Rivka are 17 months apart, we have had our share of hitting / excluding / etc. Besides teh normal talking, understanding, emphasising, I have two ways of dealing with it. Sometimes I do tiemout, simply. I say it's not okay to hit, pick up the hitter and remove her. I usualy do this for more aggressive hitting as opposed to little wacks. The other main thing I do is pick up the "victum" say "I'm sorry you got hurt" and remove myself & victum, totally ignoring Mrs. Hitter.

I also recommend Siblings without Rivelry. It's a really good read.

[Magella]

Been through my share of sibling aggression here, though my kids are more than 17 months apart. I have 3 kids, ages 7, 5 and 3.

I love, love, love the ideas in Mom, Jason's Breathing On Me! Basically, the idea is to never take sides, never get involved in the bickering, and unless they are engaging in unsafe behaviors let the kids work it out themselves. Unfortunately, we went through a very long period of time during which my oldest was too aggressive to simply stay out of their arguments-she needed to be guided through the problem-solving process and/or listened to in the way Siblings Without Rivalry describes. However, it was still possible to be neutral and not take sides (sometimes I'm not good at that), and this is so important I think. It's easy to let the aggressive child begin to feel like "the bad guy," and this is discouraging to them and can just feed the problem.

With my dd is was absolutely essential to be aware of the signs, however subtle, that she was likely to hit. For instance, we had to know in which situations she was likely to hit (when siblings don't do what she wants, when she wants a toy someone else has, when siblings are done playing and she isn't, etc.) and provide close supervision so that we could step in (or be right there ready to step in) as soon as we heard one of these situations beginning. We had to become familiar with the subtle signs (mood, tone of voice, body language, how she's been handling frustration today, how she slept, how she's been eating) that tell us that she's more likely to hit, so we could be more vigilant.

It helped a lot to provide close supervision, or to keep them playing separately. There was just no substitute for being very close by, supervising. It was a lot like going back to the days of babyhood. Once there was any sign she was getting frustrated/angry and likely to become aggressive, or once she had attempted aggression, we stepped right in and (if necessary) physically prevented any aggression. At the same time we empathized with her in a very specific way, both to keep her calm and to model better problem-solving and management of emotions: "stop. what's up?/what's going on? let's work this out." She'd say 'he won't play anymore!' We'd say "He doesn't want to play anymore, and you want him to keep playing. Is that right?" We'd stick with this until we clearly understood her concern. Then we could say "I understand. Thing is, he doesn't want to play that game anymore. I wonder if there's a way to solve this problem another way, without hitting because hitting isn't safe. Do you have any ideas?" And even if we only got as far as understanding her concern and expressing that to her ("you wanted this, and that happened") it helped to defuse the situation, modeled communicating feelings better, and kept her calm. This was a huge, huge help. We tried to remain neutral (not taking sides, not blaming, not trying to figure out who started it, etc.).

We did a form of time-out, when dd could not calm down and was continuing to attempt to be aggressive toward siblings. We took her to another room and stayed with her while she screamed and whatnot (she never would stay in a room by herself, she'd follow us out and keeping her in her room alone was just another power struggle). This was to keep everyone safe. We found that using time-outs as a consequence, and for that matter using any type of incentive or consequence, just didn't help and often made things worse.

Also, since the heat of the moment is not a good time for learning, we practiced through games and role-play. There are lots of good ideas for this in Raising A Thinking Child, which is geared toward parents of preschoolers and young children who want to help their kids learn the skills of identifying feelings in themselves and others, communication, problem-solving, and perspective taking (skills that help us resolve conflicts).

I also recommend reading The Explosive Child. I really think that when kids are doing things like this, they are either unable in that moment to access the skills that would allow them to do better or those skills are lagging (this doesn't mean anything is necessarily wrong-think of a time when you were too stressed to really handle a problem effectively, or when you didn't know how to handle a problem and so used a less effective and maybe poor response). In other words, it isn't just about teaching them that hitting is wrong and it isn't just about meeting underlying needs (though that is so important and so helpful), it's also about teaching them the skills they need to do better. I'm sure he isn't happy when he's doing this either. The good news is, there is so much you can do to help him, though it will take time.

My dd was aggressive for years, and it got worse when she was 7 (yes, 7) and we managed to help her learn a lot of the skills she needed to handle problems better. And it's ongoing, but things are so, so much better around here.

Here are some resources for you. Please do not be put off by the use of words like "explosive" and "behavioral challenges," I find this stuff helpful with my younger kids who are not so difficult and definitely not explosive:

http://www.thinkkids.org/parents/

http://www.explosivekids.org/pdf/caregiverhandout.pdf

http://ccps.info/training/webinars.html

Also, if there is some stress in his life (you mentioned not getting enough time with dad) then it might help to address that stress and find ways of alleviating it and/or helping him cope with it as best you can. Reducing stress and helping her learn to manage stress/anxiety continues to be very important and key to my dd's behavior.

[sunnysideup]

I second everything sledg said . It is important to remain neutral and nonjudgmental. Keep in mind that you're helping your child learn impulse control and conflict resolution--it takes time and guidance. I liked the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish.

When I have gone through this with my children, I found it helpful to engage them in more structured play with lots of guidance and attention. Also, make sure everyone is eating well and sleeping well.

[abandbunk]

Thank you thank you thank you ladies i really appreciate the support and advice, soo soo much. I do have that book too (the siblings w/o rivarly one) i guess it would help to read it :

i really really think there was an important point made by sledg and sunnysideup, that i have to remain neutral and not take sides, and i have to say that is going to be tough, i do try to do that now, but i know i dont' do a good enuf job at it, but i will try try try even harder. and i agree w/sledg that i need to basically babysit them (can't believe that at ages 3 and 4 1/2 grrrr) so that i can catch it before it gets ugly, and i do know the signs to watch for, so i guess stepping in sooner would be wiser, before things get so heated that he is unable (or seemingly anyway) to control himself and make a better choice of how to act. i do feel like he doesnt' have a very easy time dealing w/his frustrations, it seems like any kind of frustration (not just relating to his sister) he really has a hard time dealing w/, it almost seems like he just doenst' have the coping skills, and i feel horrible that it must be my fault for not effectively teaching him those skills (probably becuz i dont' have them myself : )., so i think this will be a big learning process for both of us. there were no hurts today so yay! i can't tell you how happy i am when a day goes like that, and i busted her (the 'victim') twice provoking her brother, and SHE actually hit him on the arm this morning, and i had a horrible realization, that she does that more frequently than we even notice/realize, becuz she is quite a lot smaller than he is and isn't as 'violent' in her hitting (hitting is STILL hitting, no matter how hard) that it may go unnoticed, and becuz he doesnt' cry when she does it kwim? like he 'gets in trouble' for hitting her more frequently BECUZ she reacts WAY more strongly, whereas if she hits him, he may just ignore it or hit her back, harder, but everytime he hits her she screams, so, wow, can't believe i just figured that out what an idiot oops, well there is a good revelation in itself, ALL hitting in the house, no matter how small, or by who, needs to be intolerable. wow. well thank you all so much, i honestly am so grateful for your responses, i have been at my wits end and trying so hard to be gd and then feeling like it was failing which is a horrible feeling, but i do now feel hope . Thank you thank you thank you. :

(going to check out links right now, ty ! )

[beanma]

sledg, thanks for the book tips. i've never read "the explosive child" or "raising a thinking child". i ordered them from overstock.com. good to have some more tools in my box.