How do you give up control?

[my3peanuts]

I've grown up with the idea that children are to be controlled. I learned this from my mother and I continue to see it practiced by all of my church family, my IL's, etc.

The goal is control. The way you gain that control is by "breaking the will" which means you spank. This is the ONLY way a lot of the people in my community(Mennonite) choose to raise their children. It is not the way I want to raise mine. But, I find myself having a hard time letting go of control. I suppose mostly because it's ingrained into me that it's the only way to truly make children behave and also because I know I'll be labeled a permissive parent or be told it's "unchristian" not to try to control your kids.

How do you look at your kids' behavior? Do you look at it and say, "I need to control that." or do you think something else?

I admit that when my kids are disobedient my first reaction is "You WILL do what I say".

I do want my kids to obey and listen when something is asked of them but I don't want to control them. I've been feeling lately, especially with my 4 year old, that she is showing much more anger than she should have at her age. I know it's because I've modeled anger. I don't want to model anger but when she isn't listening I get frustrated and I don't know how to discipline her.


What do you do when your kids talk back?? Right now if my dd talks back I tell her she cannot talk that way because it isn't a nice way to talk and it makes me upset with her. I feel like there is a better way to handle this but I don't know what it is!

I really need advice/ideas on giving up control!

[GradysMom]

I have my own issues with this "controL" thing... that being said here are somethings I'm trying...

I try not to speak my will/wishes/demands at first I am trying to learn to pause. For one thing if I wait and observe the behavior instead of speaking than for a moment I am avoiding being "defied" or "ignored". ANd don't we know being "ignored" can really set the will/control thing in motion.

Then I really try to see through the childs eye... why would he want to dump the dogs water bowl again... He's getting my attention, it's fun to splash, its fun to be strong and lift it etc...

Then I try to make the experience of stopping the behavior as positive as possible... even if it means tickling and laughing with ds about how wonderfully strong he is.

As for the dog water bowl ... every morning I thank him for reminding me to remove it... and he is less tempted all the time to tip it or make a really big mess. He still stick his hands in... but what a relief that when I come around the corner to move the bowl and remind him its not for playing he is smiling... not cowering. He is starting to see himself as helpful - and someday thats gonna pay off.

It applies also to laundry he is undoing the piles and drawers these days.. but he is with me "doing" the laudry and I really lather on the praise when he hands something to me... I comment on his moving clothes around and leave it at that. Wasn't easy at first but I have learned to ignore him undoing my work/making things harder for me etc.

[LilyGrace]

I found I had to stop and think about what I wanted my stance to be. If I approach behavior as something that needs to be fixed, then I put myself in control-mode. And I do, too much of the time. But over the years it's gotten to where I look at behavior as a reinforcement of boundaries. Instead of thinking "Don't do that!" I think about my own personal boundaries - "*I* don't need to stand here and be treated like that!" coupled with mom-thoughts "How can I help you to do better?"

I'm a very analytical person. If it makes sense to me and is worth it, then I do it. I like to get my money's worth, so to speak. Control is a short term solution. It works NOW, but not later, when they're grown. Teaching is a long term solution. It gives them the tools to do right, even when no one is looking. Comparing the two is like comparing a Ziploc bag to Tupperware. I want the lifetime investment, even if it does "cost a little more" up front.

[angie3096]

When I see my daughter doing something inappropriate, I don't think, "I must control her." I think, she is trying to accomplish ____, and she doesn't know how. Poor thing. She needs help. I will help her. And go at it from that angle.
I think you are in a spot where some good reading would help you out. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Easy To Love, Difficult to Discipline are two books that have helped me the most, I would start there. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen is a classic that's been around a long time; most libraries should have it.
As for controlling children through spanking being christian, well, IIRC, Jesus preached love and acceptance. Which is what gentle discipline is all about!

[P-chan]

Originally Posted by my3peanuts

How do you look at your kids' behavior? Do you look at it and say, "I need to control that." or do you think something else?

I (try to) look at it as a learning issue. Child is doing X because s/he has not yet learned alternatives to X. It helps to have an idea of age appropriate behavior and a belief that children want to learn. And, as another poster mentioned, seeing the situation through the child's eyes. Then you can go about teaching. What gets more difficult is when my 4yo learned not to X when he was 2, and is now doing X again. A different kind of learning problem.

I try to guide actions, but not control feelings. It's OK to feel frustrated; you may not throw sand to express your frustration. Angry feelings are OK. Angry words are even OK (if they don't hurt other people's feelings). And there are many OK ways to get the anger out.

I also try to let little things go. Yes, you have to wash your filthy hands before dinner, but if you want to bang on a box, I'm OK with that happening in your own room. My son has learned how to make real compromises and can come up with solutions to problems. For example, he's been making this annoying goat sound, which I wanted him to stop completely. When I sat down and told him my point of view, he suggested that he makes the goat sound only outside--not in the house and not in the car. I can live with that.

[maya44]

A good gateway philosophy for you might be found in Anthony Wolf's "The Secret of Pareting"

It's subtitle is 'How to be IN CHARGE of kids today...."

but the rest of it is "WITHOUT punishment, bribes or threats."

I highly recomend you take a look at it. IT might be the perfect fit for you!

[A&A]

This really helps me:

"What would I want if I were the little person, and they were the big people? How would I want to be treated? Am I being respectful? Am I really listening? Do I care about things from their point of view?"

And read the book Unconditional Parenting

[monkey's mom]

Would help to think about the illusion that control really is?

We really can't control others. We can try and try, and sometimes it will be worth it for them to succumb to our will, but they are still actively choosing to give in.

And the side-effects of a child who learns that it's "easier" or "worth it" to just become complacent to his/her parents' wishes (despite his/her internal dialogue) isn't the kind of human being I want to raise.

For me, it helps to think of myself and my kids as allies. Like they are simply foreigners in a strange land and I'm the tour guide. They don't have all the local customs down yet, and it's my role to help them acclimate in a loving and guiding way.

And in a Christian way, to think about discipline and disciples--Jesus didn't punish, he taught--that's what discipline means--teaching. I don't think God wants us to break ANYone's will. How, then, can they know and carry out His will? Your children are God's children.

I really believe that God has given me the children I have so that I will learn and heal in some very specific ways. I don't know what all of them are, but the journey is bringing me closer to my Creator (and myself). I believe that God has given you your children so that you will learn (and heal) whatever He has in mind for you, too.

What might He want you to focus on when your daughter is backtalking? What are the issues that her backtalking bring up for you? Can you just calmly BE while it is happening, and just try to feel and listen for the Path? Can you listen "past" the words she's saying to hear her heart? Compassion and kindness are never wrong. Seeking to understand rather than be understood--that is St. Francis' powerful message to us. Would Jesus lash out at an angry child? Or would he pull the child into his loving arms and seek to heal her hurts?

You know the way, I bet. Better than you even think!

Rooting for you!! :

[Dal]

I've been aiming for co-operation rather than control throughout my son's life (he is 3 now). For me, I can see that when I'm stressed out I'm more likely to try to control him and that when that happens, everything goes to hell. It doesn't feel good, it doesn't look good, it doesn't sound good, and it's horrible for our relationship.

When my son talks with me in ways I don't like, I also tell him that I don't like how he is talking and let him know how I feel about his voice. I don't make a big deal out of it and try to stay calm. I find that he is more receptive to being given information than to being given a demand.

We don't operate with notions of obedience and disobedience. Maybe getting into a different frame of mind would help to overcome feelings of the need to control? I've found reading very GD books (e.g. Jesper Juul's Your Competent Child and Alfie Cohn's Unconditional Parenting) and talking with other very GD mothers helpful in that way. Websites dedicated to Taking Children Seriously may also be helpful.

Best wishes!

[mysweetw&e]

There's a part in "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" that really helped me with this. It's where she is talking about the fact that everyone has free will, you can't MAKE anyone else do anything, the only person you can control is yourself. So when you find yourself saying "How can I make my child brush her teeth?" you should rephrase it to "How can I help my child tp be more likely to CHOOSE to brush her teeth." The whole book really helped me a lot!

And also remembering that God is the perfect parent and HE doesn't control us at all, HE gave us free will. He gives us situations and people that help us choose to do the right thing and steer us in the right direction, but even He doesn't MAKE us do anything.

[sagira]

I agree that Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline is a great book. As a parent who finds it hard to give up control as well, I also wholeheartedly recommend Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort. It was insightful, practical, and exactly what I needed. You can check if you can borrow it from the library or do an Interlibrary Loan through your library if your local library doesn't carry it.

[hubris]

Originally Posted by my3peanuts

How do you look at your kids' behavior? Do you look at it and say, "I need to control that." or do you think something else?

I admit that when my kids are disobedient my first reaction is "You WILL do what I say".

I can identify with this. I was also brought up to believe that parents can and should control much of what their children do. Not every single little thing, but still, I find my first reaction to many totally normal kid actions to be a desire to "nip it in the bud" or to say no to many of my kids' requests.

When I find myself thinking that I should stop something, what I try to do is ask myself "WHY?"

Often there is absolutely no good reason beyond asserting control for my stopping a behavior or insisting on another behavior. Not being able to come up with a genuine reason for my impulse helps me to recognize that it's what Naomi Aldort (author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, good book) would call an "old script." I try to identify those feelings as old, ingrained messages and then let them go.

The more I do it, the more habitual it becomes. It's SLOW but I think my first reaction is changing over time. I'm far from the person I want to be but also far from who I was and how I thought/acted just a few years ago.

Try to question your REASON for wanting to stop a behavior and not act on your impulse if you cannot come up with a good reason. Change will be slow, but it will happen. Be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

Originally Posted by my3peanuts

What do you do when your kids talk back?? Right now if my dd talks back I tell her she cannot talk that way because it isn't a nice way to talk and it makes me upset with her.

I think it's absolutely fine to tell somebody - a child or adult - how you feel about the way they spoke to you. I don't think it's fine to tell somebody what they can and cannot say. Kids do learn over time that if they speak rudely to people, those people will not wish to speak to them. Sometimes I prompt my 4 y/o by saying "that was very rude, I don't like being spoken to that way" or "please try that again" or even "you sound very angry right now. It's ok to feel angry but it is not ok to treat other people rudely."

I also do what other posters have mentioned - try to reconsider the situation from the point of view of the child. Often a child isn't trying to be rude at all, my perception could be skewed. I remember how unjust it felt as a child to be misunderstood by an adult and punished for it. One of the little mantras in my head is "give them the benefit of the doubt." Works for adults, too.

Have you read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk? (Faber/Mazlish). Great book for coming up with new ideas for age-old situations.

[crazydiamond]

How do you look at your kids' behavior? Do you look at it and say, "I need to control that." or do you think something else?

I think "what happens if I don't stop it?".

Usually, the answer is "nothing".

Pretty much the only times I need to control my DD are in situations where safety is compromised. Our big issue right now is DD not wanting to hold hands when we cross the street. She's 2, btw. In that situation, yes I have to exert some control. She can choose to ride in the stroller, she can hold my hand and walk, or I can carry her. But since she wants to walk without holding hands and that is not an acceptable option, I exert control. I don't punish her, but it usually involves me picking her up and carrying her across, all the while she's screaming and crying.

Sometimes we go through a similar ordeal when she won't get in her carseat and we have to get going.

But by and large, I think "what's the harm in that?" and when I can't come up with anything worthwhile, I let it go. Basically, instead of automatically restricting behavior and only allowing specific behavior, I take the opposite approach and assume behavior is allowed with a small, specific list of those that aren't.