Please help me word this (explaining pet death to young kids)

[nova22]

My kids are 4 and 3. Just last week we moved into a new house...before that, we lived with my ILs. We were there for slightly over 4yrs so both kids spent their entire lives there until very recently. We had very seperate living spaces, but we still spent a lot of time with my ILs and their dogs.

Today MIL had to have her dalmation put down, as she (the dog) was diagnosed with a tumor over the weekend. MIL is babysitting the kids today (I tried to cancel but she thinks the kids will help cheer her up). Now there is the matter of explaining the missing dog. I know not to use words like "they put her to sleep" but I don't know what words TO use. I really need a script. Can anyone help? The kids are going over there really soon and I want to break this to them in the best way possible.

[Momtwice]

Most libraries and book stores will have books about explaining death of pets to children.

[shelbean91]

We had a vet come to our house to put our dogs to sleep. We told them the dog was very sick and was going to die. The vet was here to help the dog. DO NOT LIE about it. It may seem easier in the short term, but as honest as possible is better in the long run. YOur kids may take a long time to process the loss. My dd was 3 1/2 when our 1st dog was put to sleep. She'd try to call him in with our other 2 off and on for a good 6 mos. She forgot he had died.

[cool_mom]

I am sorry about your il's dog.

If you are religious, then you might want to say that the dalmatian is now in Heaven. If you are not religious, then explain that dying is like sleeping forever. If your kids need further clarification, then explain that it is part of life; it happens to everyone (then explain taxes...lol). We had tropical fish when I was little, and every so often, I would find one floating, so death wasn't a big thing to me.

[Roar]

Yes, you are right to avoid putting to sleep or sleeping forever or any other reference to sleep.

I would say that Fido was very old and he was in pain and had a sickness that could not be cured. The veterinarian gave him a special medicine just for dogs who are old and sick. It helped his heart to stop beating so he wouldn't be in pain anymore. Now he doesn't hurt anymore. He's dead now and we won't be able to see him anymore, but we can remember the happy times we had with him and maybe we could make a card for MIL because she's feeling sad that Fido died.

Don't be surprised if they seem not at all phased or if they want to talk about it a lot or if they never mention it until a year from now. All of those things are normal.

[Sali]

I recommend Badger's Parting Gifts (I think it's by Susan Varley)

Such a great book on the topic of death.

[hubris]

Originally Posted by cool_mom

If you are not religious, then explain that dying is like sleeping forever.

I disagree. Likening death to sleeping can be very upsetting to children. Please don't say that!

We have had several opportunities to talk about death with my 4 y/o during the past year or so. A couple of family members have passed away and my mother's dog also died. Like your MIL's dog, he was euthanized. He was dying of bowel cancer.

Our approach to explaining death due to illness is to say that a person or animal's body was very, very, very sick, and that his or her body stopped working and that now the person/animal is dead. We have had frank discussions about what happens to bodies after the person/animal dies, and about the fact that we will not see them any more. We talk about ways to remember them - stories, pictures, doing things they liked to do. We acknowledge sad feelings and talk about missing them.

My son has surprised me with how easily he accepts death. I honestly think it's harder for grownups to talk about than it is for children to hear. With that in mind, just honestly answer questions and respect whatever reaction the kids have. Be ready to give comfort, but it's also possible that they'll be unfazed and will just move on to the next topic.

[becoming]

I like Roar's suggestions.

I'm sorry about the dog.

[nova22]

Thanks for all the recommendations. Here is what I ended up saying:

ME: The dog was very, very sick. Grandma took her to an animal doctor and the animal doctor helped her to die peacefully. Now that the dog is dead, we won't see her here at Grandma's house anymore. Do you both understand? (they nodded) Do you have any questions?

DS (4yo): Did the animal doctor kill the dog?

ME: The dog was dying, and she hurt a lot. The animal doctor helped her to die in a way that wouldn't hurt as much.

(Then we started talking about my MIL being sad, and the kids brainstormed ways to help their grandma feel better )

I'm hoping to get a book from the library about pet death, because if this comes up again, I really want to be prepared and have something solid to show/read to the kids. Thanks again for your help.

[shelbean91]

Sounds like you handled it well. Be prepared to answer questions off and on for a while. IT sometimes take kids a while to process that stuff and they tend to do it in little chunks.

[beanma]

here are a few book recommendations. books have always been great for us, but my kids are little bookworms. check them out before you check them out because some of them may be about more than dogs and not sure if you want to introduce the concept of grandparents, etc, dying yet.

The two of them / written and illustrated by Aliki

The fall of Freddie the leaf : a story of life for all ages / Leo Buscaglia

Badger's parting gifts / Susan Varley

I'll always love you / by Hans Wilhelm (dog)

Ada's pal / story by George Ella Lyon ; pictures by Marguerite Casparian (dog)

When dinosaurs die : a guide to understanding death / Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown

Always and forever / written by Alan Durant ; illustrated by Debi Gliori

I found a dead bird : the kids' guide to the cycle of life & death / Jan Thornhill

[karen ann]

Another good book about pets dying is The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Jusith Viorst.