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What to do, what to do? UPDATED!

post #1 of 50
Thread Starter 
Here's the deal: My DH and I still have not resolved the circumcision issue. I am absolutely, positively, 100% against it, and he wants to have it done. His reasons are that he doesn't want him to be made fun of later in life, and that he doesn't want him to be the only uncirc'ed male in the house (DH & DS1 are both circ'ed).

We had a discussion that turned into a sort of argument about it when I was about 20 weeks along, and we hadn't talked about it at all since then. Well, a couple weeks ago, DH was looking at my shopping list for baby stuff, and he saw that I had written down "non-stick gauze pads" with a question mark beside it. He said, "What are the gauze pads for?" I said, "We'll need them if we're going to have him circumcised." He goes, "I thought we weren't having him circumcised."

:

I think one of the kids came in asking a question or something at that point, so we didn't get to discuss it anymore right then. Since then, I've been afraid to bring it up again, because I don't know if his opinion has changed, or if he just thought I was going to be controlling about it and put my foot down. (Probably the latter.) I'm kind of thinking if I just ride it out and wait until the actual birth when it's time to make the decision, he'll just go with the flow and let me say no. Then again, I don't want it to come down to making the actual decision and DH decide it's time to duke it out! Above all, I *really* don't want DH to feel like I'm leaving him out of this decision. A big reason why we separated/divorced several years ago was because he felt like I left him out of decisions and the day-to-day care of our son, so I try really hard to avoid making him feel that way these days.

What would you do?

(Oh, I am 36 weeks pregnant, BTW! Eek!)


HAPPY UPDATE!

Our beautiful boy was born last Monday, July 16, and we left him intact. DH said he could see how important it was to me and that he was leaving the decision up to me.

Thanks for your help, ladies!
post #2 of 50
1) Don't buy the gauze pads. Put your foot down. Let him name your son--or make some other important decision. This decision is YOURS, though. Trust me.

2) Read this article. This is for YOU to read only. Don't show it to your dh. Just read it and think about it.

http://www.stopcirc.com/vincent/vuln...ty_of_men.html
post #3 of 50
you havent left him out of this decision though...you talked about it, you said no, he said yes...then apparently he changed his mind and decided that leaving the child intact was perfectly acceptable...

so be it...leave the child intact...

you can explain to the other child how you did something you thought you were supposed to do, but then you learned that it was not ok to do that to boys anymore, so you didnt do it to brother...

when you know better, you do better (we hope)...

peace...
post #4 of 50
I would assume that there will be no circ, never plan to buy anything associated with circ wound care, and refuse to sign a circ concent form.

He said he believed there would be no circ. Go with that!
post #5 of 50
I'm back......

3) Did you actually watch your first son being circumcised? If not, you have to watch this video (watch it with the sound up.) Make dh watch it, too. If you can't watch it, you can't put your son through it.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hic+circ+video


4) Read this:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...&postcount=278
post #6 of 50
Well, I think the locker room scenario is a truly ridiculous reason to amputate a valuable part of the human body required for the default level of sexual pleasure throughout life. Remember: Circumcised means less sensitivity (...for life!). The teasing simply doesn't happen, and even if it did, it's INSANE to resort to purely cosmetic surgery to "fit in". What would you do if your daughter's breasts were too big, or too small? : As for being the only one in the family to be intact...... so what? Since when do males in families, or males AT ALL go around comparing penises? Children in families were spanked, or worse-- whipped. Eventually the abuse HAS to stop. And that's what routine infant circumcision (RIC) is. It's male genital mutilation (MGM) and it needs to end. You can be proud that your son has been the one to break the vicious chain of abuse.
post #7 of 50
Thread Starter 
I can't get that video to play for me here at work, but I'll try it again at home this evening. I read the transcript of what was said on it (HOW horrible! ), and I honestly don't think DH will be able to watch that and still consent to having the circ done.
post #8 of 50
My thought is it can't hurt to not do it, but if you have him circ'd on a misunderstanding, it's not really something you can take back.
post #9 of 50
I would NEVER allow my husband to decide to mutilate a child of ours, no matter what the marital problems.

You are the mom. You are giving birth to this precious baby. It is your obligation to protect him.

I might talk it to death between now and then, but I would make it quite clear that I would never allow it to happen.

-Angela
post #10 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
I can't get that video to play for me here at work, but I'll try it again at home this evening.
Try this link:

http://www.intact.ca/video.html
post #11 of 50
It sounds like he's already accepted the fact that you will be leaving your son intact. I'd just go with it, and not entertain the thought of circ'ing him anymore.
post #12 of 50
Take a big black marker and cross gauze pads off the list. Do not put them on any more lists if you are 100% against it.
post #13 of 50
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna View Post
I would NEVER allow my husband to decide to mutilate a child of ours, no matter what the marital problems.

You are the mom. You are giving birth to this precious baby. It is your obligation to protect him.

I might talk it to death between now and then, but I would make it quite clear that I would never allow it to happen.

-Angela
You are so right. I don't think I ever intended to let it actually happen. I don't know why I wrote those stupid things on that stupid list. I would just really love it if DH could see my point of view and feel like he was involved in actually refusing consent for it.
post #14 of 50
This is not the issue to relent on to keep marital harmony. Let him decide something else that isn't harmful to your baby. It seems he's already accepted the fact his son will remain intact. Don't buy the gauze.
post #15 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
You are so right. I don't think I ever intended to let it actually happen. I don't know why I wrote those stupid things on that stupid list. I would just really love it if DH could see my point of view and feel like he was involved in actually refusing consent for it.
You know what, I felt the same way.

I wish my gf would've seen WHY I felt circ was wrong.

But she doesn't, not that I've pressed the issue with her, and in the end she gave in to the fact that I didn't want our son circ'd and that's all you can really ask for. For now at least...
post #16 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
You are so right. I don't think I ever intended to let it actually happen. I don't know why I wrote those stupid things on that stupid list. I would just really love it if DH could see my point of view and feel like he was involved in actually refusing consent for it.

you're going to have to talk to him first and settle things. Don't wait until the confusion of labour. Just say 'ok just to be clear, we're not going to circ. this child, you're agreed, correct?' If he continues to insist then you'll have to go the refuse the consent, but hopefully you've already won the argument. But you need to communicate, it's much easier than walking around with the big purple circ. elephant in the corner that you're both ignoring!!
post #17 of 50
I would just put my foot down and say NO.

And just because your first DS didn't have complications from his circumcision is NO gaurantee that your second son won't. Make sure you read both of the stories in my siggy and make your husband read them too.
post #18 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
I would just really love it if DH could see my point of view and feel like he was involved in actually refusing consent for it.
I know what you are saying. Give it some time... at this point he might just be getting used to the idea. You might be surprised a year from now or so as he realizes what a great choice you guys made... and start realizing how wrong of a choice so many others are making. He might turn into a big intactivist, he migh not. Just focus on not circing for now. Congrats on your soon to be arriving baby btw!
post #19 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
You are so right. I don't think I ever intended to let it actually happen. I don't know why I wrote those stupid things on that stupid list. I would just really love it if DH could see my point of view and feel like he was involved in actually refusing consent for it.


You wrote it because you want him to be horrified and see it like you do. That may or may not happen.

But you know how to protect your baby either way.

-Angela
post #20 of 50
On the "marital harmony" issue:

Parents have NO right to sacrifice a piece of their son's body in order to preserve the marriage.
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