Natural consequence for this?

[guestmama9908]

I made a gorgeous nursing necklace this afternoon. I was so excited. My mom gave me some beautiful stone and semi-precious beads to make it. I was wearing it for the first time and my DP called on the phone. I walked into the other room wearing it and holding my DD while talking to my DP.

My DS ran up to me and grabbed ahold of the nursing necklace. I asked him to please let it go. Instead of letting go and before I could stop him he yanked down as hard as he could and landed on his bottom on the floor. My necklace broke and beads flew everywhere. He started laughing hysterically. He thought it was funny that he had broken my necklace.

I want to cry. I spent forever on it. I had no idea what to say to him or do. All I did was pick up the beads and tell him I was sad he had broken my necklace.

What would a good natural consequence have been for his action?

[ThreeBeans]

Did you let him see you be sad? Did you ask him to pick up the beads?

[ctdoula]

Is it not okay to show him you're angry? I would be very angry if one of my kids intentionally broke something that was important to me, after I'd told them to let go. To me, that's just plain mean. I'm sorry about your necklace!

[MichaelsSahm]

I think I would tell him, in a calm way, that it hurt you that he pulled the necklace and it broke, maybe you can fix it together? If he is old enough, I am not sure how old he is.
I wouldn't hide tears from him, I think showing him that it made you sad, might help him understand, that what he did was nothing funny.

[mamaduck]

How old is he?

[mommy2abigail]

This isn't a consequence of any kind, and it may only be suitable for certain ages (I dont know how old your ds is) but here it goes. Maybe give him a string and a bunch of beads one afternoon, and you bring along you beads and string to re-make your nursing necklace. Show him how you make it, and let him try to make his own. Encourage him to finish it if he gets antsy halfway through. When you are all done, talk about his necklace, how much work it took, how it was hard at some points, how he was able to continue until he finished. And of course, how hard he worked on it. Hang it somewhere where he can see it, and be proud of his work. That's it. I dont know, maybe it will help him see how hard it is to make that sort of thing. Depending on his age, (like if he's 2-3ish) he just does not get how hard you worked on something. And oftentimes, doing the opposite of what we ask, (not letting go) is way too much fun not to do it. I really doubt that he did it maliciously, you know? Anyway, hth

[thismama]

Originally Posted by ctdoula

Is it not okay to show him you're angry? I would be very angry if one of my kids intentionally broke something that was important to me, after I'd told them to let go. To me, that's just plain mean. I'm sorry about your necklace!

:

[mamazee]

Are you sure it was intentional? How old is he? Maybe he just thought it was pretty and pulled on it? Toddlers don't have good impulse control.

I'd just re-string it and re-string it stronger. Especially if he's the one who is intended to handle it when nursing, because he sounds strong.

[calidarling]

Originally Posted by ctdoula

Is it not okay to show him you're angry? I would be very angry if one of my kids intentionally broke something that was important to me, after I'd told them to let go. To me, that's just plain mean. I'm sorry about your necklace!

I totally agree with this! I would have no problem letting ds seeing my anger.

[guestmama9908]

I don't think he meant to hurt my feelings. I think he didn't realize it would break honestly. He is almost 3.

I like the idea of getting him some big beads of his own and letting him make a necklace. :

He is VERY spirited. Sometimes we have a hard time communicating with eachother effectively. I am reading Raising Your Spirited Child right now. It is giving me so many great ideas.

Thank you!

[Frithweaver]

Heilsa!

I'm so sorry!

First, I think you handled it , considering that you didn't know what to do! Most mamas (guilty) yell or snap when they are suprised like that.

Young child: Nothing. They thought it was pretty and want it for themself to wear. They have no idea about necklaces breaking. *sigh* and re-string stronger.

Older young child: Say nothing, but do not hide your sadness! Children are very empathetic. Use that!

Older child: Yes, let them see that you are angry. Because in that instance it would indeed have been mean and iappropriate.

Now only you can put ages to the above list, because each child advances differently - especially emotionally.

And the person who said to have him make a necklace so that he understands the effort, absolutely!!!

Again, I'm so sorry. I've BTDT! I have three - the oldest is 9.5, and I've seen many things destroyed that I made.

In frith! :

[bdavis337]

Yep. Anger is a normal emotion, it's just how we deal with it that can be tricky. I have no problem at all allowing my oldest child to know when an action triggers an angry response from me. I really believe that our children need to know that it's ok to be angry, it's ok to let other people know about that anger, and it's nothing to hide or cover up. It's how we deal with that anger that's the important part.

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Are you sure it was intentional? How old is he? Maybe he just thought it was pretty and pulled on it? Toddlers don't have good impulse control.

: I'd assume it was an accident.

Originally Posted by CalenandEllasmomma

He started laughing hysterically. He thought it was funny that he had broken my necklace.

Kids laugh when something unexpected happens. You shouldn't take it personally.

While cleaning up the beads together, I would talk about what went wrong and how we could do better next time. I would tell him that I didn't want him to grab the necklace because I was afraid it would break. If he wanted to look at it, he could have asked and I would have shown it to him.

[Mom2CommonCents]

Originally Posted by mommy2abigail

This isn't a consequence of any kind, and it may only be suitable for certain ages (I dont know how old your ds is) but here it goes. Maybe give him a string and a bunch of beads one afternoon, and you bring along you beads and string to re-make your nursing necklace. Show him how you make it, and let him try to make his own. Encourage him to finish it if he gets antsy halfway through. When you are all done, talk about his necklace, how much work it took, how it was hard at some points, how he was able to continue until he finished. And of course, how hard he worked on it. Hang it somewhere where he can see it, and be proud of his work. That's it. I dont know, maybe it will help him see how hard it is to make that sort of thing. Depending on his age, (like if he's 2-3ish) he just does not get how hard you worked on something. And oftentimes, doing the opposite of what we ask, (not letting go) is way too much fun not to do it. I really doubt that he did it maliciously, you know? Anyway, hth

So, you are rewarding his bad behavior by giving him beads, a necklace and showing him how to do it (which you'd proably end up doing anyway). How is that even remotely like punishment?

Seriously though, my reaction would be something like :
Angry voice: What did you DO!, pick up the beads, pick them ALL up, put them on the table, then go sit in time out until i'm done being mad, and if you give me any lip, i'll start taking toys (or other favorite objects).

That should do the trick, or something along those lines..

I do see that as being much better than spanking or hitting the child.

The time out helps them learn, they are forced to sit down and think about the last thing they did, which was break your necklace, maybe he will come to his own conclusion that he was wrong.

[CrunchyParent]

Originally Posted by Mom2CommonCents

The time out helps them learn, they are forced to sit down and think about the last thing they did, which was break your necklace, maybe he will come to his own conclusion that he was wrong.

It has always been my understanding that the purpose of time out (ideally) is to remove a child from whatever stimuli (known or unknown) are triggering their maladaptive behavior. In essence it is removing them from whatever it is in the environment that is stimulating or reinforcing a behavior. It is not intended to be a time to "think about what you've done." Kids rarely do that. More likely they think about what you've done which was put them in time out.

As for the OP, I'm not sure that there is a natural consequence for the situation you described, given that a natural consequence by definition is one that flows naturally, without any additional intervention. The natural consequence is that the neklace broke and now there is no necklace. Unfortunately, that consequence ends up being for you though. Sorry I don't have a better suggestion.

[PatchyMama]

Originally Posted by Mom2CommonCents

So, you are rewarding his bad behavior by giving him beads, a necklace and showing him how to do it (which you'd proably end up doing anyway). How is that even remotely like punishment?

Seriously though, my reaction would be something like :
Angry voice: What did you DO!, pick up the beads, pick them ALL up, put them on the table, then go sit in time out until i'm done being mad, and if you give me any lip, i'll start taking toys (or other favorite objects).

That should do the trick, or something along those lines..

I do see that as being much better than spanking or hitting the child.

The time out helps them learn, they are forced to sit down and think about the last thing they did, which was break your necklace, maybe he will come to his own conclusion that he was wrong.

I want to reply to this, but I am really not sure what to say. : While I am no fan of time out, I understand some people need to use them. I would like to think that if you use them that they can be done in a gentle and respectful way without the use of threats?

Mom2CommonCents - you may also want to read around the forum a bit and get a feel for the mamas here. Many of us are pretty anti punishment and do not believe that by having compassion for our children's needs and impulses we are "rewarding bad behavior". :


To the OP - I think its perfectly fine to explain to him that you are sad/angry/whatever feeling you have. I would also ask for help in picking the beads up. I second what the previous posters have said that he probably did not expect it to break, just thought it would be fun to play with and of course it was funny when beads went everywhere. Unfortunately things like that happen sometimes, I am sorry that you lost all of your work! I am sure it was beautiful!

[mom22girls]

It was clearly an accident. And personally, I wouldn't hide your disappointment (even tears) and act the way you would want him to act if you had accidently broken something of his. At three, when they are beginning to be capable of empathy, modelling a response can be very effective for future incidents.

BTW - my most successful nursing necklace was actually a shorter length necklace that had a magnetic "clasp." If baby pulled and pulled (and I'm always amazed at their strength) the necklace would simply break free and baby could play with it while nursing.

Sorry about your necklace, : I should let dh read your post so he can stop fuming about the fact I "never wear any of the jewelry" he buys me. That's why!!!!!

[mommy2abigail]

Mom2CommonCents...Umm, do you realize what forum you are posting in? : We are not into punishing our children around here. The behaviour wasn't 'bad' it was age appropriate for a toddler.: I would never scream at my children, that is demeaning and shaming to them, and I value them just as much as I value any other human being. More even. Children are people too.

[elizawill]

he really is just a baby in a sense still....he's a toddler, yk? it doesn't mean you totally ignore it, but he should not have consequences like an older child imo. i know he laughed and how upset you must have felt, but he probably thought the beads flying everywhere was a wonderful surprise and it made him laugh, yk? i'm so sorry mama. what a terrible disappointment to have something so special be broken....but i don't think your son did it to intentionally hurt your feelings or break it. i think talking to him is more than sufficient at his age....but that's just my opinion.

[towsonmama]

Originally Posted by elizawill

he really is just a baby in a sense still....he's a toddler, yk? it doesn't mean you totally ignore it, but he should not have consequences like an older child imo. i know he laughed and how upset you must have felt, but he probably thought the beads flying everywhere was a wonderful surprise and it made him laugh, yk? i'm so sorry mama. what a terrible disappointment to have something so special be broken....but i don't think your son did it to intentionally hurt your feelings or break it. i think talking to him is more than sufficient at his age....but that's just my opinion.

: I also think working with him to make his own necklace is a great idea.