Natural consequence for this? - Page 2

[majikfaerie]

OP, I agree with the PPs who said that it sounds like a totally age appropriate accident. you did the right thing; just let him know how you feel about it and pick up the pieces.

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by majikfaerie

OP, I agree with the PPs who said that it sounds like a totally age appropriate accident. you did the right thing; just let him know how you feel about it and pick up the pieces.

Unrelatedly, I wonder if our friend mom2commoncents is a troll or just lost. did anyone else see her post history? such informative and helpful gems as these pro-cloned-meat and pro-vaxxing posts:

hi,
i think this post is unkind & it breaks MDC rules. momma2commoncents may think her advice was gentle discipline. you don't know where she is at, and she may be growing still in her journey. she's only been a member for 10 post...and she may be very new to the concept of AP parenting. i think grace is sufficient and genuine comments as to why you disagree with her would be better received than rude remarks.

[dis]

I just want to point out that I'd be very uncomfortable with a nursing necklace that, when broken, has beads go everywhere. IMO, the beads on a nursing necklace should be individually tied on (or have knots between each) so that if the necklace breaks, the maximum number of beads to come loose would be 1. Or a magnetic clasp so that if it's tugged, the whole necklace comes off.

I just have this image in my head of beads everywhere, not all of them being found, and some small person scooping one up at a later date and choking.

[maya44]

With a three year old, showing your disapointment is fine. I do think he did not understand the consequences of his action.




And as 3 it IS funny that something put together can one second later be in a million pieces.

Your feeling disapointed and sad is really ennough.

[majikfaerie]

elizawill, you're right, I shouldnt have been so snarky.
I guess I'm not having one of my best days (ended in DH walking out of the house with his bags packed ) and seeing yelling at a child given as advice on the GD forum tipped me Sorry.

[guestmama9908]

Thank you again everyone.

As I said in an earlier post I do not feel what he did was intentional.
I was simply at a loss as to how to react. It was somewhat of a shock. Things flying everywhere and all.

I really like the idea of helping him to make his own necklace. I think that will give him an appreciation for the act of creating one.

To the previous poster who believed that the beads were unsafe. I agree that I should knot behind each individual beads. These are VERY large stone beads so they are easily grabbed and handled by little hands. I will definitely take your tip and knot behind each bead. Thank you.

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by majikfaerie

elizawill, you're right, I shouldnt have been so snarky.
I guess I'm not having one of my best days (ended in DH walking out of the house with his bags packed ) and seeing yelling at a child given as advice on the GD forum tipped me Sorry.

i totally understand, and i'm SO sorry to hear about dh :

i just see posts here frequently about the things we see other mommas say & do....and how they discipline their children in ways we find inappropriate. therefore, when a mama finally comes here who uses techniques that seem very wrong in our eyes, it's important (imo) that we embrace that mama and help her learn a better way. we don't want to exclude her so severely or flame her that she doesn't return to the forums here to learn and grow. yk?

saying a prayer for you today mama...i hope your day improves. hang in there!

[angie3096]

Originally Posted by Mom2CommonCents

How is that even remotely like punishment?

It's NOT! This is the gentle discipline forum. We are not into punishing children here.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by majikfaerie

elizawill, you're right, I shouldnt have been so snarky.
I guess I'm not having one of my best days (ended in DH walking out of the house with his bags packed ) and seeing yelling at a child given as advice on the GD forum tipped me Sorry.

(My first response to that particular post was a lot of anger, too. Its hard sometimes to feel compassion for the mom when you're thinking hard about what a child would be feeling if treated like that.)

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

(My first response to that particular post was a lot of anger, too. Its hard sometimes to feel compassion for the mom when you're thinking hard about what a child would be feeling if treated like that.)

i so completely agree with you! that's my only point. if that mother feels flamed and unwelcome, she won't return to MDC, and will probably continue to practice punishment with her children. my comment honestly isn't for the mothers, as much as it is for their children

not always of course, but i think most moms want to find a better way than yelling or spanking their sweeties, ya know? they just don't know what to do? these forums are so invaluable to me in learning the best techniques to implement gentle discipline, and i want all mothers to find GD as an effective method. does that make sense?

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by Mom2CommonCents

Seriously though, my reaction would be something like : Angry voice: What did you DO!, pick up the beads, pick them ALL up, put them on the table, then go sit in time out until i'm done being mad, and if you give me any lip, i'll start taking toys (or other favorite objects).

I'm not sure if you're serious, but if so, you might want to read the forum guidelines. This quote sums up the Gentle Discipline philosophy: Effective discipline is based on loving guidance. It is based on the belief that children are born innately good and that our role as parents is to nurture their spirits as they learn about limits and boundaries, rather than to curb their tendencies toward wrongdoing. Effective discipline presumes that children have reasons for their behavior and that cooperation can be engaged to solve shared problems.

I do see that as being much better than spanking or hitting the child.

And a spanking might be better than being whipped with a belt. That doesn't make it ok. We can do even better by using loving guidance.

The time out helps them learn, they are forced to sit down and think about the last thing they did, which was break your necklace, maybe he will come to his own conclusion that he was wrong.

I think they sit there and stew about what *you* did. It creates an adversarial relationship.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by ThreeBeans

Did you let him see you be sad? Did you ask him to pick up the beads?

I'm guessing she's suggesting this is okay, and a natural consequence. Not to speak for ThreeBeans, but just conjecturing based on her previous posts.

[spughy]

I try to let DD see me be sad (or hurt) when she does something that actually hurts me, and so far this has seemed pretty effective. Little ones may react in ways that we think are inappropriate (like laughing when something breaks) but they DO have a remarkable amount of empathy and it's important that they know the effect their actions have on others, including parents.

DD recently went through a pinching phase. If she got really excited and if I was holding her, she'd grab my cheeks and pinch them *really* hard. It hurt like hell. I don't know WHY she was doing this, it's possible it just felt really good. The first couple times this happened I put her down immediately and told her calmly that she was hurting mummy. This didn't accomplish anything (duh). After I thought about it, I realized I should respond honestly - yelping quite loudly and showing pain in my face - and that had a very strong impact. DD immediately started crying and ran to DH for cuddles, which was kind of awful - I didn't want to make her cry - but at the same time, it's a reaction that shows she can understand other people's emotions. FWIW, this only happened another 3 or 4 times after I started actually reacting to it, and she hasn't done it for some time now.

I don't think you should EXAGGERATE emotions or reactions though. That seems a little manipulative and dishonest.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by spughy

DD recently went through a pinching phase. If she got really excited and if I was holding her, she'd grab my cheeks and pinch them *really* hard. It hurt like hell. I don't know WHY she was doing this, it's possible it just felt really good. The first couple times this happened I put her down immediately and told her calmly that she was hurting mummy. This didn't accomplish anything (duh). After I thought about it, I realized I should respond honestly - yelping quite loudly and showing pain in my face - and that had a very strong impact. DD immediately started crying and ran to DH for cuddles, which was kind of awful - I didn't want to make her cry - but at the same time, it's a reaction that shows she can understand other people's emotions. FWIW, this only happened another 3 or 4 times after I started actually reacting to it, and she hasn't done it for some time now.

I don't think you should EXAGGERATE emotions or reactions though. That seems a little manipulative and dishonest.

You know, I don't think ds1 is a psychopath or anything, but I have to say that this absolutely did not work with him. He got in the habit of pinching the flesh under my arm while in the Ergo, and when I squealed, he was delighted. He thought it was incredibly funny.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

Yeah, but . . .

Originally Posted by elizawill

i so completely agree with you! that's my only point. if that mother feels flamed and unwelcome, she won't return to MDC, and will probably continue to practice punishment with her children. my comment honestly isn't for the mothers, as much as it is for their children

not always of course, but i think most moms want to find a better way than yelling or spanking their sweeties, ya know? they just don't know what to do? these forums are so invaluable to me in learning the best techniques to implement gentle discipline, and i want all mothers to find GD as an effective method. does that make sense?

I am concerned, though, that this particular user is not actually a serious poster. I looked over her other posts and noticed that she seems to enjoy being antagonistic. To "scare" her away or even ignoring her might be the best option for the rest of us that are seeking advice and support for our parenting choices. You know, it's a natural consequence to be shunned by people for being unfriendly. However, calling her a "troll" might not fit our gd philosophy.

[spughy]

Originally Posted by natensarah

You know, I don't think ds1 is a psychopath or anything, but I have to say that this absolutely did not work with him. He got in the habit of pinching the flesh under my arm while in the Ergo, and when I squealed, he was delighted. He thought it was incredibly funny.

Yeah DD did the pinching my underarms while in a back carry in the sling, and yelping didn't help then either. The difference was that when she pinched my face and I yelled, it hurt more and I yelped far louder, and she was right on my lap, so my voice would have sounded LOTS louder than when she was on my back, AND she could see the pain in my face and the tears in my eyes.

[sisterfunkhaus]

I would have told him that I was mad and sad (I believe that it is okay to express our emotions in a non-violent way i.e. no screaming, etc...) and I would have made him pick up the beads with my assistance. My own daughter did something similar with her own necklace the other day and she hated picking up all of the beads so much that I really think she will be more careful next time.

[EdnaMarie]

So sorry about your necklace.

I agree with the other mamas that not hiding your anger, while of course not directing it at him, is the best natural consequence. Let him know that you are sad about the necklace and angry that he didn't listen to you. If necessary, explain that because he didn't do what you said, you are upset now. Pick up the beads with him and ask him to help you repair it.

Repair it with stronger string and a better latch, though.

I also agree that intent here is kind of fuzzy. At that age, he might very well have intended to pull it indefinitely (as long as it got a rise out of you) but not intended to break it. He didn't want to really hurt you, he just wanted to get a reaction.

Very tough. Hugs to you and your son.