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When your DC keeps getting hit by other DC  

post #1 of 19
6/26/07 at 9:44pm
Thread Starter 
Hi all

My DD has been the victim of a few other childen. I tried NOT to say anything because she was so active I was worried that she may be the perpetrator one day.
There has been one particular child that has scratches her face often. As her mother witnessing this I often say funny quirky things to lighten a situation that is quite uncomfortable for me. Strangely the parents have told me "don't to say that." They want me to be sensitive to their situation but they are not sensitive to my feelings.
What would you do?
post #2 of 19
6/26/07 at 9:53pm
Oh, you are much nicer than I am. I come unglued when other kids hurt mine. Un. Glued.

I nanny for a very rowdy and occasionally just plain mean 5-year-old. He hurts my DS, who is half his size, and his own little brother, EVERY day. Today I was just about to praise him that he got through a whole day with no hurting anybody and WHAM, pushed his little brother into the hearth and hurt his back.

I would DEFINITELY speak to the child. I would try to remain calm and wrap it in humor if possible, but I would say something. If the parents complained about what I said, I would tell them that if they don't want you to correct their child, then they need to. If you don't get satisfaction, move to another end of the park.
post #3 of 19
6/26/07 at 10:53pm
i speak to the child one or two times...then i march them right to their parent and explain the situation...

it is unacceptable for people to hurt people...no matter what their age...

if the parents are there, and they are not watching their child, then they need to be made aware of what their children are doing...there is no excuse for bad-parenting...and what part of the situation is sensitive that you have be aware of? their children are hurting others...this is not ok...end of discussion...

peace...
post #4 of 19
6/26/07 at 11:00pm
It is good that you acknowledge your child could be the perpetrator.

If you have something that is happening consistantly you need to have a closer eye on the situation. At 3 there is many different levels of development.

I found in my situation when my son was the consistant perpetrator I had to correct him and the other child. The other child wasn't being expected to learn sharing. There was no adults to guide him through the learning process. Make sure your little one is learning the communication skills that 3 year olds are needing help to learn.

I would focus on my child. Help her learn the words she needs to say.

You "working close" with your dd will help the other child to learn. You can cut incidents off before they happen by modeling. I am not saying your child is at fault just that if you get on the floor and be the early intervention will help both children. It empowers her to say no or what she wants. It teaches the other child how to behave also.
post #5 of 19
6/27/07 at 3:09pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Monkeygrrl View Post
i speak to the child one or two times...then i march them right to their parent and explain the situation...

it is unacceptable for people to hurt people...no matter what their age...

if the parents are there, and they are not watching their child, then they need to be made aware of what their children are doing...there is no excuse for bad-parenting...and what part of the situation is sensitive that you have be aware of? their children are hurting others...this is not ok...end of discussion...

peace...
Please don't assume that because a child hurts another child that the parent is NOT doing anything about it. Sometimes a child is "spirited" and the mother is trying oh-so-hard to be a GD role model.

-A mother of a 3 year old aggressive spirted child.
post #6 of 19
6/27/07 at 4:05pm
Just another random thought. I heard an article on NPR about terrorism. They said, as I remember it, that when something bad happens, they use the following formula to determine if it's terrorism:

The first time it happens, it's an accident.
The second time it happens, it's a coincidence.
The third time it happens, it's a pattern. And then real action must be taken to stop the pattern from repeating.
post #7 of 19
6/27/07 at 5:37pm
I wanted to chime in -- I think it's also important to give your child the words to speak directly to the inflictor, such as, "Stop that!" or "I don't like that!" or "Don't hit me!" Not that you shouldn't be involved as well, but as my DS gets older, I want to make sure that he speaks up for himself.
-e
post #8 of 19
6/27/07 at 6:24pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Attached2Elijah View Post
Please don't assume that because a child hurts another child that the parent is NOT doing anything about it. Sometimes a child is "spirited" and the mother is trying oh-so-hard to be a GD role model.

-A mother of a 3 year old aggressive spirted child.
:

3 year old aggression is not terrorism. That makes me so sad that anyone would even think that. I work very hard to help my little guy through this spirited, impulsive phase where his first instinct is to lash out physically. I know we will get through it because his older brother got through it. But, it must just be in their genetic code to be physical toddlers and young preschoolers. I see my little guy improving and he has made big strides, but "bad parenting" is not how most of these little guys get to this point. It takes a lot of good, patient parenting to get through it. And, for some kids it takes longer than others.

I agree with the pp who said to work with your dd in helping her learn how to communicate in these situations and suggested that you be there to head off any aggressiveness from others.

Most of this was in response to pp's, not the op. Op, I think that is big that you said your dd might be the aggressor sometimes. So many moms don't recognize that their child is once in a while. It is the rare toddler who makes it to age 4 without ever having lashed out physically. Some just happen to do it more than others.
post #9 of 19
6/27/07 at 6:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twocoolboys View Post
3 year old aggression is not terrorism. That makes me so sad that anyone would even think that.
I'm kind of shocked that you took it that way. You sound pretty defensive.

I used that analogy simply to get to the point that if this other child is doing something repeatedly, like scratching another child, then it is a pattern and it needs to be addressed. I keep this in mind when the boy I sit for hurts my son over and over. Okay, that was one . . . let's just call it an accident. Okay, that's two . . . .

Jesus, if I'm calling that child a terrorist then my kid is al Qaeda bound for sure.
post #10 of 19
6/27/07 at 6:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen View Post
I'm kind of shocked that you took it that way. You sound pretty defensive.

I used that analogy simply to get to the point that if this other child is doing something repeatedly, like scratching another child, then it is a pattern and it needs to be addressed. I keep this in mind when the boy I sit for hurts my son over and over. Okay, that was one . . . let's just call it an accident. Okay, that's two . . . .

Jesus, if I'm calling that child a terrorist then my kid is al Qaeda bound for sure.

I misunderstood your post then because that is exactly what I thought you were saying. I agree, it is something that needs to be addressed and it is hard work when your child is the spirited one.
post #11 of 19
6/27/07 at 7:28pm


I'm right there with you. The big boy I sit for beats the crap out of my DS, then my little stinker turns around and creams the little brother. I agree with whomever said (and I think it might have been you) that boys are just hard wired to be rowdy.

Disclaimer: Yes, some boys are not rowdy. Yes, some girls are rowdy. I believe in every child's right to be rowdy. Have I covered all my PC bases?
post #12 of 19
6/27/07 at 8:03pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Attached2Elijah View Post
Please don't assume that because a child hurts another child that the parent is NOT doing anything about it. Sometimes a child is "spirited" and the mother is trying oh-so-hard to be a GD role model.

-A mother of a 3 year old aggressive spirted child.
of course not...i know there are parents out there that are doing their best for/with their kids...but a lot of my experience comes from being at parks, etc - where parents tend to sit at a bench, and let their kids run wild, not paying any attention to them at all...

i know that my kids can be the aggressors sometimes...therefore i am always watching them, and at the first sign of anything, i am on them making sure they are playing appropriately...i want them to be an example for the other kids too...

peace...
post #13 of 19
6/27/07 at 11:30pm
Thread Starter 

Thanks for your responses.

How would you deal with the parents that are correcting me for saying something funny to lighten the situation? I am feeling alot of anger towards them because they are making me feel stupid for saying anything. It is their child that is hurting my DD and end up feeling guilty. My DH told me that if it happens again I should respond w/ " yes , I shouldn't joke about this, it is not funny and do not hit my child again."
post #14 of 19
6/28/07 at 1:37pm
I guess I'd toss the ball back in their court and say, "Well, if you don't like my approach, what do you think we should do about this? I can't let my kid get hurt every day."

Maybe I'm in a luckier position, but where I live, we can visit a different park and play with different kids every day. Is this place your only option? I don't like the implication that they are scaring you away, but if they aren't good people to hang with, don't hang with them.

And if I did choose to find another park because of them, I'd be sure to let them know. Something like, "I feel really sad for your kid that because you won't teach her how to act, she's going to have a hard time making friends." Maybe they'd think about that.
post #15 of 19
6/28/07 at 6:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen View Post
Oh, you are much nicer than I am. I come unglued when other kids hurt mine. Un. Glued.

I would DEFINITELY speak to the child. I would try to remain calm and wrap it in humor if possible, but I would say something. If the parents complained about what I said, I would tell them that if they don't want you to correct their child, then they need to. If you don't get satisfaction, move to another end of the park.
I agree!

I also don't think it's ok for a kid to hurt another kid. If my kids hurt a kid while we are at a play area/park/whatever we leave...they don't get another chance cause it is just not acceptable at any time.
post #16 of 19
6/28/07 at 8:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinder View Post
If my kids hurt a kid while we are at a play area/park/whatever we leave...they don't get another chance cause it is just not acceptable at any time.
You really are right to be that strict about it. I need to start enforcing a one strike and you're out policy myself. Otherwise, it's like saying, "Okay, you get one free shot, then I'll make you stop." What kind of message is that?
post #17 of 19
6/29/07 at 10:02pm
Thread Starter 
Unfortunately the particular child I was refering to is our next door neighbor. We live on the same floor in an apartment building. The parents really expect me to accomadate them. They often knock our door or ambush my house when I have the door open. I am sorry but I can see where this is going. Once upon entering they will often refuse to leave unless they take a toy. It makes sense that they would not stop the hitting child when they expect my family to accomadate them in all facets.:
post #18 of 19
6/30/07 at 6:38pm
Are they returning all the toys they're swiping???? :

I would start saying, "No, we can't play right now," pretty often. We have two neighbors that I am sometimes just not in the mood to entertain. Maybe you just need stronger boundries.

And stop the toy taking immediately--especially if it upsets your dd. That's craziness!
post #19 of 19
7/1/07 at 11:47am
I have a similar situation with the "toy exchange" between my DS and the kids I sit for. Difference being, I love the kids I sit for and really love their parents. But the deal is that every day when it's time for us to go home, the babysittees come out to my car to take a toy. It always ends with somebody crying. We're trying to phase it out, but I wish we'd never let it start.

I'd advise you to put an end to that. It's hard because you want to be nice and make the kids happy, but it never seems to work. You end up being the bitch and the kids end up crying. Maybe you could just say, "Sorry guys, but the other toys get sad when their friends leave. Let's not take any away anymore." Too wussy?

It sounds like an excuse, but it really is better for the kids . . . the kids taking the toys I mean. They just get it into their heads that they can have anything they want and it enforces the mentality that they must always be acquiring more, more, more. Less really is more.
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