Need some advice

[multiplemomma78]

I have a neighbor who is also a friend and has asked me to be her doula for her birth. The problem is that this birth will be a stillbirth. Her baby is severely deformed and will not survive birth. This will be the 3rd time this has happened to her. Each time the baby is born around 20 weeks, and each time her dh (I guess) has not been able to be there for her exactly the way she wants. He will be there, but she really wants to have me there to support her emotionally and physically. Never been through a baby death before. How do I do this? What do I need to know? Anything I shouldn't say? Should say?

P.S. I have told her that I would be honored to be with her during this traumatic event.

[heartandhandsdoula]

No advice, but wow, what a tough thing for this family to keep going through. Having you there will be such a comfort and most often at times like these no words are needed, just presence.

[jengacnm]

To do:
Beforehand, establish how you will communicate to each other when they need private time.

During the labor, do doula things-ask after her, does she need food, drink, to use the bathroom; ask her husband the same.

When the baby is born, show her the beautiful things about her baby (her perfect lips, his perfect toes, whatever).

Take pictures. If they don't want them right away, put them in an envelope and hang on to them-she might want them in one month, one year, or five years.

Help them give the baby a bath.

Mourn with them.

Take care of yourself! Treat yourself to something very special for yourself after the birth.

Blessings to you and the family-this is some of the hardest work we do!

[1stimestar]

Even though it may be traumatic, the event is still a birth. Keep that in mind and it may help you. You might talk with the hospital she is delivering at and ask what their procedures are for babies who will not make it so that you can be familiar with the process. Good luck.

[MsBlack]

second the others...

and try not to say anything dumb or too trite, like 'it's for the best', or 'you can try again soon'. If they are religious people, it's probably ok to offer the comfort of that as you are genuinely able to (you don't have to share their beliefs to speak to them in terms of their beliefs)--e.g., if they are Christians, you might say that the baby is home with God/Jesus now, and perfectly whole and well-cared for. If they are not religious and you are, then avoid injecting any of your own beliefs into the situation. Be real--as pp said, grieve with them, but not more than they do. If mom is crying and you feel like crying too, that's ok as long as you don't appear to be in need of their comfort; I don't think there is any need to appear 'strong' for them by suppressing your own appropriate feelings. We honor life and love in part with our genuine tears. Silence is ok too--as long as it is a warm, available, attentive silence, and probably better to say not much at all rather than dumb things. Just mainly try to be sensitive to what they need--touch or not touch, talk or silence, practical matters attended to or just your companionship.

Assisting with an infant death is one of the hardest things I have ever done, especially as the mother of 6 strong healthy kids and no failed pregnancies--it's unfamiliar territory for one, and for another it just seems so unfair that some moms do have these losses. But in keeping the heart open it is possible to be a lot of comfort to parents like these.

All the best to you with this--and what a blessed woman she is, to have your willingness to be there for her.

[Om Girl]

I agree with pp, I'd also find resources for support after the birth for them to have on-hand.

*Edited to add: Mothering ran a beautiful article about a stillbirth (two issues ago) that could give you some insight and provide some comfort for the family that others have gone through the same thing.

[courtenay_e]

There's a book called "Ended Beginnings" that may have some insights for you. It covers all types of childbearing years losses, and I found it to be helpful in some areas...after having suffered a birth loss, I found some of the things they had to say insightful. If you have time you may want to order it. If not, you may want to order it anyway, just to read in case something like this comes up again. Too what pps have suggested are valuable tools as well...

[linaee]

Just be there

Hello,

In October 2005, I was there after my friend delivered her stillborn baby at our local birth center. It was essential that she was treated like every other laboring mama. She and her husband were given space when they needed it and attention when they needed it. Just like in any other birth, the midwives were there according to their needs.

For me, it was an honor for me to meet little Nathaniel and to be there on that morning. He was an angel and he taught me the true essence of love. It was a priviledge to be there through her pregnancy and to witness the love and emotional sacrifice that she took to honor him.

The best thing I think you can say is something like, "he/she knew you loved him/her." That is one thing I told my friend. I also told her, "You gave him everything he needed." And, we still talk about how happy he was in the womb...she felt him kick and used to say he was dancing in there! One thing she will always remember is how tender and gentle one of the midwives was when she was measuring him and weighing him.

Loss is such a part of our childbearing years that I feel very strongly about honoring it by simply acknowledging it.

If you would like to read my friend's story, please check out this link.
http://www.greenhousebirthcenter.com/nathaniel.htm

If you would like more information, please let me know.

[CMcC]

I'm a little late to this post, but I just read about this:

Through the Hospice Care Network, there is fetal health crisis support. It says they offer a support program for parents who want to continue the pregnancy after they've learned their unborn child is diagnosed with a life-threating illness. The article says to ask for Mary Gravina.