Bossy 4 year old needs social skills

[angie3096]

And I'm stuck on how to help her!
She bosses me all the time. She tells me what to do with hands on hips and stomping feet. I say, "It hurts my feelings when you use words like that. I would be happy to ____, can you ask in a nice way?"

I don't believe this is modeled for her by any adults in her life, but she has had other children treat her that way. I know that it's a phase and she'll grow through it, but my problem is her treatment of other children. When other kids agree to come over, and she bosses them, and they refuse to do her bidding, she has a tantrum and shuts herself in her room and tells me she wants them to go home. The tantrum does not blow over and they eventually leave because she won't play. Me going in to reason with her and offer strategies doesn't help. She's too angry to listen. It's very awkward.

Should I just say no more playdates for a while? I'm not sure how to respond to "Can we invite _____ over to play?" We talk about how to treat the friend and she swears to be nice but then she isn't. When I say no she wants to know why. When I remind her of her past behavior she acts heartbroken and swears "But I'll be NICE this time! Please!"

[my3peanuts]

:

[Ilovelife]

Maybe you could meet up with others in groups where there are 3 or 4 kids to play. Then if you dd isn't getting along with the others, she can leave & they others can still play. Or try a much shorter playdate. Or one with more planned activities, like baking or making a craft. Just a couple thoughts.

[mamazee]

I agree with the above, and also maybe meet for playdates at a park, so if she has trouble the other child (or children) have other kids to play with. Also, maybe kids of various ages because she won't really be able to boss kids who are older than her and that might help.

good luck!

[MeredithMommy]

gosh. I'm glad I'm not the only one!!! I keep teling myself that this very assertive 4 yr old will grow into a very assertive adult who will be able to take care of herself and her problems most effeciently Just the other day and the park she had a following of three 8 yr old girls!!!

Anyway, you are alot more patient than me 'cause I find myself saying "stop bossing me" and "please stop tellin me what to do" way more often than I should!

[majikfaerie]

I have the same problem with my 4yo dd. until recently we moved into a home with an equally bossy girl of the same age next door. they match each other perfectly, and after a bit of initial "fighting it out", which I mostly sat back and let them get out of their systems, they've both settled
I know its not really helpful advice...

[majikfaerie]

oh, wait! I do have something helpful!
the final key in getting DD and the neighbour's DD to settle was introducing this key phrase:
you can do it how you like, and she can do it how she likes; everyone can do it in their own way
it has become our mantra

[Spanish Rose]

Bossiness is typical for a 4yo, although this does sound a tad extreme.

Brazelton (not the epitome of GD, exactly, but he does have some wonderfully sensible ideas) suggests having playdates with an equally bossy friend. Not in a "give her some of her own medicine" way, just that she needs somebody with just as strong a will as her to play with.

I second everything majikfaerie said. (Nice name, by the way!)

For practical use, could you just ask her to try again? The explanations you are using are great, but when my kids get into one of those moods, they don't want explanations. They want a mommy who smiles and is unaffected, but still applies the standard.

[mom22girls]

Wow - we went through this when dd started preschool this year. She would complain to me that "everyone bosses me around at school." The she would come home and be equally bossy to her younger sister.

I talked to some other moms who had the same complaints from their kids. I think each takes a turn being bossy sometimes. I also find that since my child is the eldest, playdates with other eldest children work better. The ones who are middle and younger children, who've been bossed by their siblings tend to repeat that on the playground.

Ooops screaming - must dash!