My ds (5.5) is out of control!

[lilgreen]

He goes through phases where he is the sweetest, most cooperative and thoughtful boy you could imagine. But then sometimes he gets triggered (usually when he becomes obssessed with something he wants but can't have... like today he wants glasses but he doesn't need them so he's not getting any).

Once he gets triggered everything turns bad. On our bike ride home today he was doing tricks and one went wrong. He threw his bike down and slammed his helmet, cracking it on the cement. Then he was just super pissy and yelling and saying all kinds of mean things - to me - the rest of the ride home. He also tried to punch me and kick me on the rest of the ride home.

We then had a bday party and he quickly stormed out of it and stared glaringly at everyone through the window before I got to him and told him to go him, which he did surprisingly, because usually when he gets like this he won't do anything I say.

He kept grabbing from ds2 (22mos) who then would scream and cry. I figured I should get him to bed. He started playing and when I told him it was bathtime not playtime he lost it again. This time he threw one of his toys to the ground, breaking it. Then he threw ds2's potty and broke it. This of course got ds2 very upset so I tried to nurse him to sleep so he could stop witnessing all of what was going on. But ds1 wouldn't have it. He was screaming and tearing up the sheets on his bed. i took ds2 in my room but ds1 followed and would not leave. I tried to get him to snuggle with us in bed, but he just tormented us and actually grabbed my arm and tried to twist it to hurt me! He then lied on top of ds2 to squish him. Finally he fell asleep naked at the foot of my bed.

I feel like such a failure of a mom. He's always had a hard time dealing with anger, but I thought it was more or less normal. But tonight I was scared for him. I could not see him getting better, only worse and it scared me. I have worked so hard to get him to deal with his anger. Often he responds well to empathy and then cuddles, but once every two months or so he has an outrageous episode like tonight. The following day he always apologizes on his own, sometimes in tears because he is so sorry.

What can I do? I'm scared to tell dh because we have such different parenting philosophies I'm sure he'll just chalk it up to my way is obviously not working. BTW, ds1 never gets out of control like this for dh. Dh is very authoritarian when ds1 gets upset (eg. "Stop crying, now!"), but ds1 is scared of dh when he (ds1) is upset.

Please, offer me some ideas! Does he need counselling? After the last episode someone mentioned it and I thought about it, but then he was a total angel again and I dismissed the idea.

I am re-reading for gazillionth time 'Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline' and I love it, but I just don't feel like it gives me the tools to deal with this extreme behaviour. Any good book suggestions (not that I have time to read, really, but I'm desperate).

I think I really am desperate. I am so worried for him. I want to help him. I want to be the kind of mom he respects and and doesn't try to hurt.

[tiffani]

oh, mama, I have been there!! And still get to visit every now and again, but mostly what has turned things around for us was for me to make sure that my son really, truly knows I am on his side -- I had to laugh when you mentioned the glasses, because we went through the exact same thing, but we went to the grocery store and bought $7 really low magnification reading glasses, and voila! problem solved. I really try to do my best to help him through situations that are hard for him, but there does come a point where enough is enough -- he needed to trust that I will always help him whenever I can, and he also needs to trust that when I say I can't, and there is nothing I can do, I am here for him, it's ok to be sad, but it's not ok to be mean, and that will not be tolerated. It takes a lot of reminders, and we don't use punishments or anything, by "will not be tolerated" I mean that I say "If you are going to hurt me, you will have to go into your room by yourself, or I will have to go to another room" but as I'm saying this, I take him into my arms and snuggle him and try to love him back to feeling ok -- my crazy kid is my second, so I feel for what it must be like to have another little one around when you're trying to deal with "freakouts", as we call them. We're also talking a lot these days about letting the nice bright light in his heart shine through, and taking lots of deep breaths to flush out the bad feelings in his heart, and I cuddle him and breathe with him, tickle him, love him (once the storm has passed...basically before I let him go off to play again, I make sure he is really feeling "right" inside before I turn him loose on the world again)

It's all about how he is feeling about himself at the time. He is also a really sweet, sensitive kid, and gets wounded and lashes out -- my job is to help him deal with being wounded, and also to help him not get wounded so easily. When I was reading your description, I felt so bad for him -- what an awful day for the poor kid! The biggest hurdle for me was to stop worrying about "letting him get away with it" and just really see what was actually going on with him when he acted out. It is now so easy to read him, to help him sort out his feelings, and to talk them through, come up with strategies for next time -- it sounds like your little guy is feeling somewhat threatened by his little brother?

I love the quote "the kid who deserves love the least needs it the most" -- it's so true!! It might also be hard if your dh and you are so different in your approaches -- you may be getting the backlash from your dh not letting him get his feelings out -- I'm not saying it's ok to let your kid walk all over you, or abuse you in any way, but it takes a while for kids (especially sensitive kids) to figure out how to deal with big feelings -- I know for my son, it makes him feel awful to treat people badly, which compounds the problem.

I know how hard it is! hang in there, it does get easier!