3YO - Screaming, Hitting, Biting....

[Always_Evolving]

Well DD is 3 and for the last few months we have been having an escalating case of yelling (just shouting, usually nonsense words) to get attention. It happens typically when we try to have even the most casual and brief conversation between adults OR when I am on the phone.
Techniques (or lack thereof :-( I/we have tried, dare I say unsuccessfully!
-- Ignore -- "she's just 3, she'll outgrow it". But sometimes conversations need to go on!
-- Make a joke of it -- "gosh did you hear that noise? Do you think it was an elephant or a peacock that came in from the jungle?" Well it sort of diffuses the irritation we feel but doesn't do much to discourage her.
-- "Please don't yell, it hurts my ears, I can't hear on the phone..." Well that doesn't do anything.
-- Moving to another room. She just follows me continuing the yell, or stands outside the door. Today she added a little distress cry that she couldn't "find me" thus getting our maid to open it for her!
-- The main problem I am facing is that some conversations just need to happen. I can’t hang up or continue later…. I can promise to shorten the discussion and ask DD to remain calm for a short period, with a timer. However this technique is hard to remember and follow in all situations.

Recently there’s been an increase in hitting and biting as well… and I tend to be at the receiving end :-( Strange, I thought she’d outgrown the biting thing, but it’s almost like a rediscovery that she is powerful too and can hurt me. I’ve tried simply taking her aside to talk to her and explain that it hurts. Often she will simply wriggle and squirm and get away to avoid that conversation. I’ve tried demonstrating how the biting hurts by lightly biting on her. Funny thing is, she frequently apologizes (sounds sincere too), kiss the hurt, and promise not to do it again… But that is forgotten all too soon.

In general DD will struggle to get away from me when I try to have any conversations with her about these things... I don't know what to do about that. Friends have suggested that I give her a timeout, and follow-up with a little discussion. But I just don't want to physically force her to sit in one spot... I think it will only increase the power struggle.

Any thoughts and suggestions for techniques that might work better?

[Always_Evolving]

Just bumping this up...

Would really appreciate any thoughts. I should also say that the two issues (yelling and hitting) are, to my knowledge unrelated. I just lumped them into the same thread.

Thanks

[kittn]

i have a screamer too. It seems to happen when he isnt the center of attention. especially when someone is paying attention to his new baby brother. what Ive done is
get down to him and tell him " I know you want moms attention right nnow . I have to finish this with Mr. X. I will be right with you. can you jump up and down? ect"
when I do get to him I ask model for him how to ask for my attention. "mommy can I talk to you please?" and he will repeat it usually then we do something together

with biting i guess i would try to figure out what triggers it and try to prevent

sorry i'm everywhere nak

whe

[mamazee]

How well is she speaking? My theory is that the better kids can talk about how they feel, the less they have these kinds of problems. So if she isn't speaking all that well now, it shouldn't be too far off, and I'd guess that those issues should go away. What I would do, assuming that (so ignore me if that isn't the case), is to speak back to her and empathize with her feelings. "You sound angry." "You sound like you want Mommy's attention. I'm on the phone right now but I'll give you attention in a minute." But especially biting and hitting seem to me to be often due to a lack of ability to express emotion with words. "I see you are angry. It's OK to be angry but it isn't OK to bite."

[AbbieB]

You just described my 3 1/2 year old (minus the biting).

What I do...I put myself in time out if I can. I will go in a room and shut the door. I tell her I do not like to be hit, screamed at, have toys thrown at me, etc... and I am going to take a break. I then go in the room for a few minutes (sometimes until the yelling/hitting the door stops) and then come back out and reconnect with her.

I have seen a connection between her acting out this way and me not giving her enough attention (by her standards). It's hard because being 7 months pregnant I just can't always do the things she wants me to do (like rolling around with her on the bed, nursing as much as she wants, carry her).

I sometimes feel like this is not GD but I'm usually at that point where I am desperate. And this usually happens after I have tried other things like sitting with her on my lap or next to me in a time out, talking to her about her behavior or redirecting. I also feel that days were I end up doing this are days I call really bad days. I always make an effort to wake up the next day rested and ready to have a DD day. I plan to put my stuff on hold and give her all the attention she needs to try to correct the balance that has gotten a bit out of whack. So we go to the park, zoo, pool, aquarium, whatever it is that DD would like to do and I stay off the phone and computer and keep the TV off.

One thing that has me still looking for a solution is that DH tends to be a factor in triggering bad days. When he is home more than usual (like he is in the summer...he's a teacher) things quickly loose balance. DD is then desperate for some "just me and you" time with me. She seems to really get pissed at DH sometimes for interrupting her time with me by simply being around.

DD does not have as tight a connection with DH. And this is mostly do to DH not putting in the effort I think he needs to to make it better. I think if he worked on this he might be able to help when DD is upset/acting out. As it is she gets more upset because she wants me and only me.

I try not to imagine what life could be like with the new baby interrupting her "just me and you" time. But this issue is for another thread...

[Always_Evolving]

kittn: I doubt she would just wait for a few mins. until I was done with my phone call... I have tried asking. Her main goal is to get me OFF the phone immediately so she yells to make it impossible for me to speak Though, I haven't suggested things she could do, such as jumping or hopping. Good idea.

mamazee: DD is very verbal. I think her hitting is quite recent, and it's gotten worse since she started Montessori a few weeks ago. It's possible she is expressing anger as she is still having a hard time separating from us at drop-off time. That's a separate thread!

Also, she is at an age where some amount of 3-YO bossing can be expected (which she does), and has been known to hit younger kids on occasion to get them "in line". Do you think this is related to hitting me?

Biting, I think she did even before school started... I still haven't figured that one out. Have to think harder on what triggers it.

In general, I don't know how to ensure DD gets more one-on-one time! We have my MIL, DH and me at home, and we all take turns to read to her and such like. But things need to go on in the adult world which means sometimes DD is not the center of our attention!

I always wonder how come the Continuum Concept advocates that we don't do child-centric things but just let children find their bearings in an adult-centric world? How do CCers do it? Is it that they've practiced this right from infancy so the child doesn't expect that much attention, OR does this approach only work in a community setting where there are plenty of older children minding the younger ones?

[guestmama9915]

It sounds attention-seeking, even if you feel you give her enough attention she may see it differently! My DD has been doing similar things but not so much hitting or biting, just yelling and screaming when I'm on the phone.

Some things that work for me:

1. I tell her after my phone call I'll let her call (insert person here). She often talks to her cousins and grandparents on the phone now.

2. I bought her one of those stupid toy cell phones and give it to her and prepare her beforehand that I'm going to be on the phone, but she can talk on her phone at the same time.

And some other things that aren't very GD when I'm very frustrated, like locking myself in another room for a minute or going outside.