Getting DH onboard

[3kidsclmr]

I am new to this particular board. I have been trying very hard with my two boys (2 and 4) to change my discipline approach. Time outs have not been working, and it's been frustrating because my boys can get very aggressive with each other. The 4 year old has no frustration tolerance which results in a lot of tantrums, and the 2 year old is, well, a 2 year old. Anyway, my DH works long hours during the day, so the kids are just thrilled to see him when he gets home. He's a wonderful father, don't get me wrong, but he doesn't always have a lot of patience with the older one. He thinks that, at age 4, he should "know better" than to scream in his ear, spit, throw food, whatever... I've at least gotten him to the point where he knows I don't want him spanking him, but he can be really harsh (verbally) with him. He's not going to sit down and read a book, but are there any good places to maybe print out easy to understand guidelines or principles?? I try to model parenting skills for him, and he is receptive, but I'm also just learning as well. I am also slowly reading through all of the threads here...

[mamabear&babybear]

I'm fairly new too and dealing with a similiar problem with my dh. Funny thing is that I created it. He followed my bad parenting techniques and ignored his natural gd techniques. Anyway, like you said modeling is important and I noticed my dh starting to come around after a month or so. One of the things I like about the book "How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk" is that it has a break down of ideas at the end of each section. I copied those out of the book and went over them with my dh knowing he would never read the book himself. HTH

[Wendy~]

Alfie Kohn has a book and DVD titled "Unconditional Parenting". The book is excellent, but there is no way I'd ever get my dh to read it. so this week I got the DVD from the library. I got him to agree to watch it. I watched it the other day, it is great. It's not as thorough as the book obviously, but it gets the point across. Can't wait for my dh to watch it

[elizawill]

how funny, my husband and i just had a heated talk last night about this same thing. my husband is an awesome dad, and we really try to respect each other in parenting as a team. we don't argue about spanking are kids or anything, but i have been changing my reaction to my kids in regard to consequences. i am finding more flexibility in my approach and trying to let my daughter have a lot more freedom and say-so (she'll be 6). i'm also trying to not change behavior that is simply age appropriate (like my son wiggling while he eats or something). my daughter and i are becoming SO close through all of this, and she is learning to completely trust me....even when she makes mistakes, she knows that she can come and talk to mama. i still have consequences of course, but i have learned that i can be really mad and she can understand my frustration without me yelling about it. we are talking a lot and have stopped yelling. i LOVE it! my dh will still yell or lose his patience over things that could be solved with simple redirection, or he will yell over things that aren't even worth the battle IMO.

fortunately, my dh is really easy going and is so receptive to what i have to say, so last night (after a disagreement on how i handled a situation with my dd)...we put the kids to bed and then had a talk. it got kind of heated, but in a good way. i stood my ground and defended my standpoint. my husband and i are christians, and my dh is a minister of music....so in his eyes i suppose he thinks we have always used more gentle discipline. i talked to him about love & our commitment to God, each other and our children, and our family as a whole. the end of our talk was so awesome. he's on board now. i also am printing out the "letter to our pastor" for him to read our church does not advocate spanking though, thank God. i love my dh so much, and i found the most important thing in talking to him was respecting him and his point of views ....trying not to invalidate his feelings or put him down. i think he would have felt like i was calling him a "bad parent" or something if i blatantly disrespected his current parenting methods.....so instead we just talked and challenged each other. it was awesome!!!

[3kidsclmr]

Thanks for the feedback! I'm sure I can get DH to sit through a DVD.

elizawill: thanks for your post. I hope to get to the point where we can have that kind of discussion in our home. I would also LOVE to get to the point where I stop yelling. I have to keep reading!!!