Anyone else have this experience?

[mommy2aprincess]

Anyone else's ex appear to turn around at the *very* last minute?

Hello! I've posted on here a few times, but I'll give a very brief synopsis of my story! My ex decided that he wasn't quite ready to be a parent and left us when DD was a year old (she's 2.5 now). Things were pretty bad when he left...he was very angry, lying to me a lot, and said some pretty awful things. At first, I thought that he would realize what he had given up and decide he wanted to come back. After more time passed though, I went on with my life. I gave him the opportunity to turn his life around and get his priorities straight by postponing filing for the divorce, mostly to try and work it out for my DD's sake because after a while I didn't even really hope he would come back anymore. After 15 months : I went ahead and filed the papers. He hasn't really talked to me *at all* this entire time. Well...the divorce was final on the 26th of this month. On the 24th he decided to finally tell me how sorry he was, how much he missed us, how he still loves me, what a huge mistake he made by leaving, etc.etc.etc. I was completely shocked because I didn't see it coming at all. Do you think it's really possible that he has changed and turned his life around and ready to accept the responsibilities of parenting now??? Or do you think it was just a panic reaction to realizing that he was finally losing us and doesn't have control of me anymore, know what I mean? Did anyone else's ex-spouse finally pretend to care at the very last minute? In hindsight, were they serious and actually changed?

I know that every situation is different and you can't tell me the answer to my situation....I'm just wondering what you all have experienced! I'm going to start talking to him and see if he actually seems to have changed and is truthful now..that's really all I can do, I guess. I just don't want to put my heart back out there for no reason. I'm rambling a little...thanks so much for listening and for your help!!!!

[MsChatsAlot]

I'm an optimist and idealist...so I believe that anything is possible.

The timing though, would lead me to wonder if it was really a change or just reality settling in.

You have to follow your heart on that one and only time would tell if it's real or not.

[girrllie]

My situation is different. I told DH last week that I want a divorce. This is 6 months post an affair (his) and 5 months of marital therapy. And I was resolved when I told him, have a plan, etc. And all of a sudden he's running like crazy trying to figure out what to do right to keep me in the marriage - all kinds of stuff he says he's working on, will work on, will consider, etc. Stuff I had given up hope on b/c he had been so resistant.

I think it does hit them at some point and maybe the reality of it just hit your ex over the head. I would be wary though since it's not like he's been making moves before this. Like my friend said about my H, "what's he been doing, pacing himself?" As if he can suddenly change now.

It's a tough one. What does your heart say to do? Give it another couple of months or go ahead an finalize? If you go ahead with the divorce, if he proves himself to you in the upcoming months/years, you can always get re-married.

[Linda in OZ]

my opinion? It is a panic mode, and yep he is losing his wife and control. For you to think that I think you know that is more proabable than him having a change of heart. You extended the time for him and gave him that chance to turn himself around, if he was serious about changing you would have been seeing changes in him already. I am rapidly approaching my divorce date and after waiting 13 years for him to turn himself around, which by the way he promises to do on a regular basis, now he even tells me he is getting counceling and has really stepped up the pace. I have told him I am divorcing him and if he is serious about turning himself around then look me up in 5 years. I know he wont. How long are you prepared to wait?

[mommy2aprincess]

Yeah, I think taht it probably is just a panic reaction, rather than him really changing. I guess I just have this thought that if there is even the tiniest chance that it could be for real that I should give it a chance, especially for my DD's sake.

Linda in OZ- wow! You are a more patient person than I am by far...I thought I was being patient, I can't imagine waiting 13 years. I'm sorry that it didn't end up working out for you.... thanks so much for sharing your story though, it is good to hear other's experiences.

"You have to follow your heart on that one and only time would tell if it's real or not."
I think that you are completely right on that. It's just so hard to give it the time to see, ya know? I feel like I don't even want to put my heart back out there by talking a lot and stuff just to find out that he is the same old person. I guess that is the only way to know though.

I guess my fear is that I won't be able to tell if he is lying again. Is there really any way to know? He was so good at it last time and had everyone fooled....I just worry that I won't see it again. At the same time though, if he is telling the truth I don't want to be questioning him all the time. Is it really possible to work through all the trust issues with time? Do you always have that in the back of your head or do you get to a point where you don't worry about it anymore? If anyone has tips about how to tell if people are being truthful, I would really appreciate them...I feel so silly that I can't even tell. I guess it's just a matter of time to see what happens on that too.

thanks so much for taking the time to response..I really appreciate everyone sharing!

[Picturesque]

I don't think that you should feel badly about not being able to tell whether he is sincere or not. It could very well be the case that he truly believes what he is saying now, but, like in the past, just won't follow through on it. I think that this makes things even more difficult than if he were just being dishonest. Good luck with this difficult task.

[katydid317]

It could be possible but I would lean more toward it being reality just setting in. generally when my ex is behaving nicely towards me, he just wants sex. the other day he offered to give me another baby.... how sweet of him, huh? ick. but the good thing is is that over time, my refusals are now no longer making him turn from his son as well. bit by bit, he seems to be getting over things but it seems to be a long process. you might want to brace yourself for dealing with this sort of thing with him for awhile. just be consistent with him.

[Linda in OZ]

It is really hard, you know deep down that it is another goose chase, but there is always that what if... What if he does really mean it and this is the start of what our marriage is meant to be and will I find out it a year or two that he had changed and I should have stayed. It took me a long time (obviously ) to realise that he never meant it. Each time I took him back the pendulum was swaying, and now it's at the stage where there is nothing he could do that would convince me he has changed.

[mymaybaby05]

Linda in OZ,

Why did we put up with them for this long?????:
I saw you've been doing it for 13 yrs., same here!
Thinking about the time wasted makes me exhausted!

[Linda in OZ]

Originally Posted by mymaybaby05

Linda in OZ,

Why did we put up with them for this long?????:
I saw you've been doing it for 13 yrs., same here!
Thinking about the time wasted makes me exhausted!

Think of it as a learning curve
I have decided that after if I can survive him I can survive anything

[mommy2aprincess]

Thanks so much for the replies..I definitely know what you mean about thinking about the "what ifs." I kept thinking, "what if he really means it and I don't give him a chance?" The chances of it actually being sincere are so slim, but there is always that tiny chance. I think I may be getting my answer already though. It's disheartening, but I guess it's better to know now than down the road after putting a bunch of time and energy into it (and my heart too...I don't want to be hurt that bad again by him!). He called for about 4 days straight, on the last day he said, "so, do I have to call you *every* day now?" I said that I never told him to call in the first place and he wasn't obligated to call at all and could call whenver he felt like it...haven't heard from him since. I had also sent a little e-mail with a pic of dd (while we were still talking) and didn't hear back from that either. it's only been a couple of days, but the fact that he asked like it was already a burden says a lot. Plus, in my eyes, he would have to be willing to show me that what he was saying is true and it doesn't seem like that is the case...just words are not enough anymore.
Even though we only talked for a few days, it is still hard though. I tried not to get my expectations up...I tried not to hope that he was for real this time....I guess I didn't do very well though cuz it still really hurt. I liked the dream of possibly being a happy family again, I guess. I really want to move on completely and I actually thought that I had until he started talking to me again...funny how that works! Does it get easier with time? I don't know if I can do this for 13 years...you guys are very strong!

[danieliausmama]

You are already very strong to survive those 15 months before divorce emotionally and financially!