Ok, is this too weird? UPDATE ON POST!!!!

[mymaybaby05]

Well, last week I would of jumped right back into DH's arms if he had offered, but he was still being a hard a** and didn't want us to come back home. Well yesterday he had called and we had actually talked very civil. He had told me that he is lonely at home all by himself and would like us to come home. Now, this weekend I've been thinking A LOT and decided to myself that I'm recoverying from all that had happened between us and I could get on with my life with out him.
I knew it'd cause a even bigger dilema if he wanted to reconcile. BEcause then I'd have to choose between going back or my new found freedom and happiness.
Now, here's another thing, he asked me last night what I wanted our "status" to be. He kinda wants an answer and I know he won't drop it. Would it be too weird if we decided to still do things as a family. like going to dinner, shopping, 4th of July stuff, ect...... and NOT live as a family? He lives in a diffrent town close to his work. If he moved over this way, he'd have a horrible commute. And I am not moving back to his place. I start my new job next week, plus the kids really want to go to school here.
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

[MsChatsAlot]

I believe that any situation can work if everyone is willing to put forth the effort.

[incorrigible]

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[Vypros]

Originally Posted by mymaybaby05

Would it be too weird if we decided to still do things as a family. like going to dinner, shopping, 4th of July stuff, ect...... and NOT live as a family?

My wife wanted to do the same thing, and apparently this is something the girls really want to do and think will work.

From a guy's point of view:

No way. This will never work. But hey, there's nothing wrong with trying if you want. it's a nobel idea, but I honestly don't think this will work the way you think it will.

Just my opinion.

[nataliachick7]

Originally Posted by Vypros

No way. This will never work. But hey, there's nothing wrong with trying if you want. it's a nobel idea, but I honestly don't think this will work the way you think it will.

Just my opinion.

just wondering why? i am always so interested in understanding the way that men think...i really just dont get it! please explain

[Oceanjones]

I think it sounds good...in theory.
Just be on guard for him to pull a Jekyl & Hyde you.
Keep doing what's best for you and your kids and continue with all your plans for a better life. Good luck!

[wytchywoman]

At one point my X and I were capable of doing family type stuff together even though we weren't together, at this point there is way too much stress and tension so I would have to say not anymore. But I agree with PP's who said that if everyone is willing to cooperate and if the best interest of the child is the purpose for it and not some ulterior motive, then yes it can work. A lot of if's involved, but it is possible.

[katydid317]

It's got to depend on what your relationship is/was like. It would NEVER work for me and my ex. For one thing, I have a new family now. But for another, having us do things as a family was too hard for him to do without wanting and pestering to be with me again. I live with another man and he is still always telling me that he still loves me and wants to sleep with me and have another baby with me.

[trinity6232000]

From birth until dd was 4 we all did things as a family. All holidays and birthdays were
spent together. Thanksgiving and Christmas here, and Easter and Mother's Day was always
at ex's Mother's home. Ex's Mother would have a Christmas at their home ahead of Dec 25
where all of ex's siblings would come together for the holiday. We spent a lot of time in the
summers having picnics, and going for ice cream all together. It worked out pretty well since
ex and I had always been better friends than a couple. I had to leave a lot of baggage at the
side to allow it to work, and so did he.

Now it gets sticky when one or the other starts a serious relationship. During the time I speak
of above, ex had a really awesome gf who greatly understood what a blessing it was that we
all could get along. She had grown up with out a Dad, and I think that made a difference in her
feelings about it all.
Ex's gf now doesn't like it, and it all the group visits stopped after they got together. I don't
blame her, ex should have stood up and figured out a new plan. One where dd could be included.
I don't have to be, but she should be. I ended a relationship with somebody who thought it was
odd that I got along with my ex. He didn't like it, and he wanted it to stop. I had to explain to
him that anything that benefited my dd would not be discussed. That if he was that bothered
I thought it was in all of our best interests for him to date somebody else.

I believe it can be done. When you are thinking about the children first, it makes a lot of sense.

[BelovedK]

X and I did that for a while...for the first part of it, he thought we would reconcile, then he got a gf and it was hard for me...Now we don't do anything bc he can be passive aggressive and it is no longer fun...I don't want to fight in front of the kids.

However, I think it works for some people, I've seen it work.

Things canget complicated when new mates come into the pic, if the family time stops, then the DC may see it as being the new bf or gf's fault It can be complicated. I've also known very open people who have all gotten along. bf, gf, and the exes, so good luck and I wish you the best

[carmel23]

My sister has a daughter with an ex husband and this is a lot like their arrangement. They share custody of their daughter, but they trade time all the time depending on what is going on...

They attend all sports/holiday functions as a family--she is such a lucky girl to have such a huge family and so much support, even if her mom and dad live in separate households. My sister and her ex h talk a lot, so there is never any "dad lets me do X at his house" and it not be true.

I think that parents need to put their personal stuff behind them and get on for the sake of the child--I don't think this is weird at all...

[13moonmama]

He barely talked to you and did his own thing without a care for what you were feeling all along and then 2 days before it's final, decides to play the role, like the flip of a switch? BIG red flag! You sound happy! I'm happy too! Embrace it, it feels so good, not settling!! Do you really want to spend your days in a juggling act? All thoughts and feelings have to do with him, and most liking his bs? Doesn't it feel good knowing that anything is possible, that you are a vibrant sexy earth mama and can feel that way without some stupid guy ruining it all? There's a lot of almosts out there and I'm sure your ex has some good qualities, but think of all the fishes in the sea!

My ex stays with me when he visits the kids, and I noticed that the carpet in the basement is all stained up, you can see it like a trail. Weeks of dripable of various caffeinated drinks and red bulls! Scrubbing it out of the carpet really made me miss him and it kind of got me hot. Just kidding!! Btw, he forgot to flush the basement toilet when he left and I didn't discover it for days!! :Puke

[YinYang]

Demi and Bruce did it, right?

I can say that after about 10 years of divorce, MY parents now do things together with all of us for simplicity's sake.

Actually, at Thanksgiving and Xmas, etc - there is... my mom, my dad, and my sisters' mom. It makes life a lot easier for the kids though after a few hours, all of us kids are rolling our eyes as we listen to our parents moan over little things

Give it a go.... When my parents separated, I hated riding in a car all day for holidays and stuff. If you can do things together in a healthy way - much better!

I'm also curious to hear more from Vypros pretty please! :

[13moonmama]

Had to add something. I know, I type too much. :

My ex and I do family things together and hang out and enjoy eachothers company. It has made him want me back. Basically because I'm no longer trying to change him, so we are getting along. But I can remind him why he doesn't want to be with me pretty quickly though when the need arises.

I would not settle. You can be happier. You know it. My ex wants me back because he needs me to take care of him. He said I was the mother he never had, and there was no passion in our relationship. I'm not ready to be an old woman! I want more. I care about him, and I guess I'll always be there, but you gotta put you first. Just because you have a dd together doesn't mean putting up with eachother is best. Obviously, there's a reason why you broke up. I'm sure he has good qualities and you have a connection. Another lady on here wrote that humans by default fall back on what they're used to. Don't do it! Take a chance. You should take the life experience you've gained and run with it and evolve as a woman, more and more, instead of becoming arua buddies with your ex. You've been single for sometime afterall!

When I first broke up with my ex, I would have taken him back if he got off the pills and was off of them for a year, without me, then maybe. But I wouldn't take him back because he said he was going to, or acted a certain way for just a couple of months. Now, even if he changed completely for a year, I wouldn't want him back, because there's just too much baggage and he kind of already ruined his life and health through drug addiction and it's not fair to me, after the fact to pick up the pieces, now that he's been on it for over 10 years. Plus I'm finding myself and he's not part of me! Just think of a totally emotionally stable and fulfilling relationship you could have with some awesome guy with life experience of his own , who would not do the sucky things your ex has? And would treat you right from the start! DROLL..........

[cheyennemama]

Last summer (when X and his now-live-in g/f were on the splits) we did lots of family things together- BBQs, daytrips, etc and it was good. I think it can be done IF there's an understanding. I think if one or both parties are concerned about getting back together, it might be stressful....

[mymaybaby05]

Update!

Ok, well here's an update......

A couple days ago we were getting along better, he still acted like he wanted to reconcile, I was still unsure that I had wanted too, but entertained the idea. He had offered me some $ for kid stuff and weekend $. When he brought it over we had sex. He had complained it was just too long for him since the last time. I had mentioned the last time was 4/30 (when I got preg.). He decided to make the comment....... "Ya, for me."
ARGH!!!!! He is thinking that I am screwing around on him because we aren't living in the same house. WHOA! WHAT A MINUTE!!!! Is he so crazy to think that I'm entertaining men with my children around???? Not to mention I'm carrying his baby?????? I've had it!!!!! He is now pulling more crap than I can deal with. Today, he was trying to make me give him a decision on our marriage. He asked "Either, OR." I said forget it!!!!! I'm tired of defending myself. I just can't take him being so mental!!!!!



PS> THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORTING POSTS YOU"VE SENT MY WAY!!!!!

[meandmine]

You know, I asked a similar question awhile back and got similarly supportive answers -- i.e. you can be a unique kind of "Family" and not live together. The closer to that you can get, the better for the kids.

This presumes you and stbx get along well enough. This may change when new partners enter the picture.

That's just my summary of all the above, of course.

One comment of a pp I found telling was that she could remind her X pretty easily why they were better off apart, even while they got along for the most part as Xs.

That names it for me, I think.

I have had to swallow a WHOLE lot of justified (in my mind) rage at my stbx and have been incredibly cooperative/collaborative/pleasant during our separation process.

This morning and again this evening though -- I let him hear it from me for two different "offenses."

His behavior and my reaction to it are good enough reasons for us to live apart. Maybe the more apart we are the more peaceable we can be and the more we can do with our kids together.

They certainly are riding out the initial stages of this process cheerfully enough because we seem to be fairly peaceful about it. Well, except for my two expressions today ;-).

So, nah ... part and make the best of the new life and new *platonic* relationship.

M

[ShadowMom]

Originally Posted by Vypros

My wife wanted to do the same thing, and apparently this is something the girls really want to do and think will work.

From a guy's point of view:

No way. This will never work. But hey, there's nothing wrong with trying if you want. it's a nobel idea, but I honestly don't think this will work the way you think it will.

Just my opinion.

From my own situation, and reading other people's stories, I believe that when the couple first break up (before all of the nasty stuff starts cropping up, like the stuff you do WHILE divorcing and then all of the post-divorce new relationship stuff) that is the best time to be able to do stuff together successfully. YOu haven't yet completely burned the bridges, ya know?

Then comes the rocky part where you each find out where the battle lines are really drawn.

Then it seems to be a period of years before everyone is going to be able to do stuff together again regularly.

I'm not saying this is it works for everyone, just that this seems to be fairly standard for a lot. I am still in the icky "getting divorced" phase and it will be a few years again before we're able to let our guards down around each other enough to do stuff as a family, if even then.

So, I kinda agree with Vypros. Don't want to burst your bubble,and some people seem to be able to get it to work... but definitely not everyone.

[Linda in OZ]

I'd be inclined to shy away from it, here is my opinion... by him accusing you of sleeping around is a way for him to control you. You have shown him that if he gives you money he gets sex, yet another way to control you. You have been hanging round waiting for him to take you back and he is dangling that carrot. He will continue to dangle that carrot. Family times will be great - when it suits him. Don't confuse your kids anymore than they are. Be nice and civil, even have a cup of coffee with him during change over, but move on. From what you said to me in another post I gather you had as much trouble leaving as I did, you really want to get caught up in the spider's web again? Pm me if you want to chat

[3_opihi]

My ex and I do this and it has worked well. He lives away during the week, and then stays with us on the weekend to watch the kids while I work. We try to get together and do something as a family at least once, if not twice a week.

One thing though - we have absolutely no bitterness towards each other and get along quite well...if there was any animosity I don't think it would work. Just be clear about your boundaries, kwim?