Single mama safety

[Metta&Karuna]

Hi mamas, I am still adjusting to my new singleness.

I have heard one single woman be very careful not to tell anyone she is living alone, even police officers. She leaves big men's boots by her front porch as subterfuge.

I have heard it is iffy to offer things by freecycle of you are a single woman. I am not sure if I should use a (willing) neighbor's address for pick ups, or if that is pointless.

I have been wanting to camp out with my children, but am wondering if that would be safe, especially if we're out in the wilderness. There's an island I'd like to camp out on, but it would not be very quickly reached by a 911 call.

Similarly I wonder about road trips.

So anyway I'm new to this. Where does paranoia end and prudence begin? What are your experiences? What areas to you take precautions in and how?

[Bad Mama Jama]

I make sure that my voicemail says that "We are unavailable." I think caution is wise. I am cautious when traveling, too. We never stay on the first floor. As high up as is available is what I like to take.

[wytchywoman]

I agree that safety should always be in your mind, but always remember that as women, our biggest predators are people we know. We so badly fear the creepy man waiting for us in the bushes or in the dark corner of a parking lot, but an attack from that scenario is extremely rare. We are far more likely to be assaulted by someone we are dating than by a stranger.
In regards to freecycle, I always meet the people at a gas station near where I am or where they are. I don't go to their house and no one has ever come to mine, then again I never got a huge piece of furniture either.

[Metta&Karuna]

Hi mamas, thanks for your input.

wytchywoman: Yes, I knew that in theory, and discovered it to be true this year.

Bad Mama Jama: Interesting about the hotel plan. And thanks for the reminder about vm, I had lost track of that one.

I wanted to add another time that I think about safety: taking the trash out at bedtime. I have to go into the alley briefly. I just worry because for those couple minutes the children are alone in the home and what if I got attacked?

[brogansmomma]

I'm not any more cautious than if I were a non-single woman, I don't think. I've had pick ups and drop offs from Freecycle at my home and at the home of the receiver. I don't see how someone coming to my house with me as a single female is any different then if I were married but he was at work during the day. I guess I'm not worried about a guy showing up and thinking, "A-ha! A female!!" when I open the door and then forcing himself it. The exchange all happens at the door or on the outside step. I guess I'm just not worried, as I said.

I don't know that I'd camp alone with my toddler (or alone by myself) but that has more to do with critters large and small and nothing to do with other people.

Maybe it's partly to do with population? I live in a fairly small city (56000 maybe) and feel pretty safe since we don't have much "major" crime (maybe one murder a year on average, if that) and I've never felt the need to be afraid.

I don't think I am irresponsible in my thoughts or actions but I'm not fearful.

[Oceanjones]

Maybe try taking your garbage out after dinner? I wouldn't do it in the morning because they say most rapes actually occur in the early morning hours. I read that somewhere a long time ago.

I am not overly cautious but I think as I get older it has more to do with being more aware of my own mortality than being a single mama. I've also been one of the ones to scoff at the idea of needing a big strong man around. I can manage quite nicely on my own thankyouverymuch. That being said I also don't take unnecessary risks either if they can be avoided.

Just find a good balance

[cjuniverse]

For me, the best safety strategy is to present strong, capable, and able to draw blood.

Meaning never act submissive, unsure, or vulnerable around men. Whether you know them or not. Stand tall, stand straight, keep your keys arranged defensively in your fist, look them in the eye when speaking (and when walking past them) and make a point of advertising the fact you are keeping an eye on where they are/what they are doing at all times.

I've been in a few scary situations in the past 5 years or so. I've come out of all of them by virtue of the above strategy. At least, that's what I tell myself. I could've just been lucky, but I'll chalk it up to my own bravado anyway.

Edited to add: All of the above can be summed up (in my mind, anyway) as follows: If you don't think of yourself as prey, you probably won't look like it either.

[MsChatsAlot]

I feel very safe where I live and have great neighbors I have called on and watch out for me.

I have travelled with my kids alone. I usually make sure someone (usually my mom) knows our schedule and I call her at each place we stop to let her know we've arrived safely. I also call at night once we're in the room for the night and let her know that we are safely in our room.

Other than that, I really use my intuition about things. Sometimes I've found it's better for people to know than not, that way they look out for me a bit more.

"Protecting the Gift" by Gavin deBecker is such a great book to read about listening to your intuition to keep yourself safe and knowing when you are really in danger and when you aren't.

[Bad Mama Jama]

Originally Posted by cjuniverse

Edited to add: All of the above can be summed up (in my mind, anyway) as follows: If you don't think of yourself as prey, you probably won't look like it either.

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I totally agree with that! Even when I am scared or not feeling so strong. The outside world won't get to see it. I believe in posturing and looking alert and strong, even when I am worried about my surroundings.

[punkrockmommy]

Originally Posted by Bad Mama Jama

I make sure that my voicemail says that "We are unavailable." I think caution is wise. I am cautious when traveling, too. We never stay on the first floor. As high up as is available is what I like to take.

Why would a higher floor be safer? I would think that closer to staff and lobby would be?

I have founded that your attitude has a lot to do with it as well. I totally plan on taking trips with my dd as soon as it is possible ($ and time off wise) alone with just me and her. and i guess i have kind of an attitute towards guy where i just say f u to them now. After my x husband i tell guys that are threating to go **** themselves i am through being a victim. I have felt a little scared at times in my neighborhood, the SLC trolly square shooting was a block away from my house and a little girl got killed a year and a half ago a couple blocks away and those things really shook me up but i keep myself and my daughter safe.

[Metta&Karuna]

Any other comments? I'm getting ready to post some things on freecycle. Any cautions? Should I offer a (complicit) neighbor's address? Make sure I set a time when I'm not home? Or what? I want to do freecycle but do not want it to become complicated (by complex arrangements like meeting someone in a neutral location) or unsafe (like attracting a creep).

[zeldabee]

I've freecycled stuff and never thought about it. I just use common sense about it. I don't don't go around advertising my singleness, but I don't conceal it, either. It never would have occurred to me to put men's boots outside.

I'm from Brooklyn, too, FWIW. I don't feel especially vulnerable.

[WatermelonSnow]

If it's freecycle can you just find out what time they think they will be by and tell them you'll leave the item outside somewhere, even on the curb? Tell them that's the baby's nap time or you don't know if you'll be home then. They don't need to know that you're single or to even see your face. That's just where my comfort level is, though. I don't know what kind of neighborhood you live in, or what the climate of your city is.

Developing relationships with your neighbors can go a long way to helping you feel safe, too. My last apartment building was great, and I now live on a street of duplexes where we socialize in the front yards in the evenings.Are you comfortable doing that.

[Naless]

Originally Posted by brogansmomma

I'm not any more cautious than if I were a non-single woman, I don't think. I've had pick ups and drop offs from Freecycle at my home and at the home of the receiver. I don't see how someone coming to my house with me as a single female is any different then if I were married but he was at work during the day. I guess I'm not worried about a guy showing up and thinking, "A-ha! A female!!" when I open the door and then forcing himself it. The exchange all happens at the door or on the outside step. I guess I'm just not worried, as I said.

I don't know that I'd camp alone with my toddler (or alone by myself) but that has more to do with critters large and small and nothing to do with other people.

Maybe it's partly to do with population? I live in a fairly small city (56000 maybe) and feel pretty safe since we don't have much "major" crime (maybe one murder a year on average, if that) and I've never felt the need to be afraid.

I don't think I am irresponsible in my thoughts or actions but I'm not fearful.

I have live in Detroit and Washington DC both as a single mama and I didn't have time to be worried about my safety as a single woman anymore than I would if I were married. I am living with my SO now in a Chicago suburb and nothing has changed in my behavior. But I also don't advertise that I am a single woman with small children alone in a home or anywhere.

As for freecyclers I do the same for them as I do the pizza delivery guy and any other time I have to open the door to a stranger, I stay on the phone with a friend. So that if something does happen someone can call 911. But remember must assults don't happen at home. Remeber the recent kidnapping in a Target parking lot just a few steps from the door. Who would have thought that she wasn't saft there?

Originally Posted by cjuniverse

For me, the best safety strategy is to present strong, capable, and able to draw blood.

Meaning never act submissive, unsure, or vulnerable around men. Whether you know them or not. Stand tall, stand straight, keep your keys arranged defensively in your fist, look them in the eye when speaking (and when walking past them) and make a point of advertising the fact you are keeping an eye on where they are/what they are doing at all times.

I've been in a few scary situations in the past 5 years or so. I've come out of all of them by virtue of the above strategy. At least, that's what I tell myself. I could've just been lucky, but I'll chalk it up to my own bravado anyway.

Edited to add: All of the above can be summed up (in my mind, anyway) as follows: If you don't think of yourself as prey, you probably won't look like it either.

I learned the above from working with homeless veterans. They would worry about me being out in the streets being a 5' 1'' woman small frame around alot of huge military trained homeless men in shelters and on the street with drug habits and mental disease. I had more than one tell me that reconsidered bothering me because I acted as if I would fight to the death. And I let them know I would. Most criminals don't want the fight and will look for someone who looks easier. What can I say criminals are lazy

As for the man's boots to deter someone, just think how many times have you gone to someone's house and seen a pair of man's boots just sitting by the door???? That would stick out as strange. And then that's just another chore added to your list to move the boots daily so they don't get dust, settled dirt around them, rain in them, packed in snow and ice, etc. IF you are going to go thru all that trouble just go out and get a man and someone would notice that they don't look like they have been worn in a while and they never leave that spot.

[griffin2004]

I've always been single, and I think I take the same precautions I would if I were partnered: porch lights front and back, keep bushes away from windows, locking windows, closing curtains, park in the garage if possible, lock my car doors, don't leave a key hidden outside, just common sense stuff.

Some women like to have a mid-sized or large dog. You don't need a snarling slathering beast. Just a dog with a deep bark and a family instinct. Criminals would much rather take on another person than a dog.

I refuse to live in fear and trembling, but I'm not going to be careless either.

p.s. On the hotel thing, I've read to get a room nearest the elevator. It's noisy but that way you don't have to walk down long halls past the other rooms.

[<~*MamaRose*~>]

Originally Posted by brogansmomma

I'm not any more cautious than if I were a non-single woman, I don't think. I've had pick ups and drop offs from Freecycle at my home and at the home of the receiver. I don't see how someone coming to my house with me as a single female is any different then if I were married but he was at work during the day. I guess I'm not worried about a guy showing up and thinking, "A-ha! A female!!" when I open the door and then forcing himself it. The exchange all happens at the door or on the outside step. I guess I'm just not worried, as I said.

I don't know that I'd camp alone with my toddler (or alone by myself) but that has more to do with critters large and small and nothing to do with other people.

Maybe it's partly to do with population? I live in a fairly small city (56000 maybe) and feel pretty safe since we don't have much "major" crime (maybe one murder a year on average, if that) and I've never felt the need to be afraid.

I don't think I am irresponsible in my thoughts or actions but I'm not fearful.

*Although I do not live in a small city our pop is almost a million, I do live in the burbs and feel relatively safe KWIM.

I have also traveled alone with the children and had no issues. I will admit that it's soooo much easier to travel with both kiddies now as my oldest is 6'2" and acts as my "muscle" when needed as there is always so much crap to lug about! I was single when my oldest was a baby and traveled quit a bit with him before I married. Once I married I still traveled solo with either one or both of the kids as my H hardly ever wanted to travel so if I wanted to visit somewhere I usually did it alone. I will admit that my accomodations were probably nicier and cost me a bit more when I travel alone with the kids:.

As for the comment the pp made about "staying on the higher floors", I'm the opposite as I won't go any higher than the 4-5 floor if it's at all possible. I've always been told (from my mom) that it's an easier rescue for the firefighters when below the 6th floor. True or not I don't really know but it's now my comfort zone!

Oh and our message on the answering machine just states that you've reached the "XXXX residence please leave a message after the beep"...short and sweet with no specific names mentioned.

I do pay a monthly fee for a monitored house alarm system that I had installed even though I rent. I feel better knowing that while the kids and I are sleeping sleeping the house is monitored and I really LOVE that the smoke detectors are linked to the security company!

[Metta&Karuna]

Thanks everyone. I have gotten a lot out of each post. I appreciate your perspectives.

[Metta&Karuna]

Originally Posted by Naless

As for the man's boots to deter someone, just think how many times have you gone to someone's house and seen a pair of man's boots just sitting by the door???? That would stick out as strange. And then that's just another chore added to your list to move the boots daily so they don't get dust, settled dirt around them, rain in them, packed in snow and ice, etc. IF you are going to go thru all that trouble just go out and get a man and someone would notice that they don't look like they have been worn in a while and they never leave that spot.

Oh, I missed this before!

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