Is an amicable separation possible?

[MyTwoAs]

I think we've decided that divorce is the best option in our situation and we both agree that we don't want it to get nasty and we want it to be amicable. Do we have our heads in the clouds thinking that this can, indeed, be amicable? He won't fight me for full custody (full custody was his idea) and promises to take care of us, the house, me (I'm a SAHM) until this is finalized and the house is sold.

Now I have to find that post about what you wish was in the divorce decree that wasn't. I subscribed to it but don't see it on my subscriptions list. Argh.

[MamaDaednu]

I suppose mine is as close to an amicable divorce as most people can hope for. A lot of it is because he wants to look good without much effort. So I have full custody and he's supposedly going to send a decent amount of support so we can squeak by without putting both kids into daycare.

We both agreed not to get nasty. We made agreements about all sorts of things. And honestly, I kept my side and have had to fight tooth and nail to get him to keep his side. Even about stupid things.
I've learned that once he's "free" then he completely thinks of himself first. Regardless of what he says about caring for the kids. It's him first. I think he's likely not the only ex husband who thinks that way. So be sure to insulate yourself from that any way possible.

The most important thing is to get EVERYTHING in writing. I'm serious. No matter how little you think the detail is. If it's not something you're willing to just write off, then get it on paper.

[MsChatsAlot]

Lots of people have amicable relationships with their ex. It is totally possible.

My ex and I get along really well and I know a lot of others that do too.

If both of you are willing to keep things civil and amicable will really serve you well.

[MyTwoAs]

Great thanks you two. He mentioned this morning that it might be a good idea to keep our house for a couple of years to build up the equity - the market sucks right now and we lost about $50k in equity over the last year. He mentioned maybe we'd each pay half of the mortgage (mine would come out of support) and then split the profits when it is sold. That way the kids and I would still be able to live here.

He doesn't want to do a lawyer and I told him he didn't have to. I said if we agreed on everything that my lawyer puts down then he can just sign it or perhaps take it to a lawyer for review before he signs.

We both agreed to be amicable if this is the route we take and not disparage each other to the kids. I hope that if we do go this route that it does go smoothly - he will be living here while the whole thing is processed and perhaps a bit after the divorce.

[mamagoose]

My stbx and I are doing it, and my parents did it. It is possible. I'm sure there will be things we disagree on over the years and that we'll have to negotiate, but we are committed to being friendly, cooperative co-parents and to ensuring that our son continues to be cared for and supported by both of us. A book that was really helpful to me was the Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons. You might check it out, and maybe suggest that your ex read it as well. Divorce doesn't have to all-out war (though sometimes, depending on the issues, conflict is unavoidable).

good luck mama.

[sunshinesister]

x and i are trying to go the amicable route too... i put that in italics because it is definitely not always working. we weren't married, so that of course, is a big difference than a divorce. thus far, he's been very good about giving me child support that we agreed upon and most of the time visiting dd when we planned. that being said, nothing is easy. making this work is one of the harder things i've ever done. i want so much to keep this out of the courts - i've seen too many people go through such terrible sh*t when the courts are involved. we'll see... good luck to you!!

[MyTwoAs]

Well he doesn't want joint custody - his reason was that if it was his weekend and my son freaked out and didn't want to go he'd feel bad (my son has Asperger's Syndrome and is highly resistant to change). So I'll have full custody. I fully expected him to want a few weekends a month but nope, that kind of made me sad for the kids.

His father was extremely violent and his parents stayed together "for the sake of the kid" (he's an only) and so that is his model of marriage. Today is my parent's 34th wedding anniversary and that is my model. Quite contrasting.

I really hope that things do stay amicable - we've talked about living together for 2 years for the house to appreciate sufficiently but that would involve a whole set of rules including no members of the opposite sex brought home, etc.

[YinYang]

Originally Posted by GC_Mom

promises to take care of us, the house, me (I'm a SAHM) until this is finalized and the house is sold.

OK mama, I just had to respond to this since it hits close to home for me.

My ex has to cover my "normal daily living expenses" until the house is sold. Problem is, it hasn't sold as quickly as he thought it would (he priced it too high and not the market has tanked and our mortgages are likely higher than what it would sell for).

Now, he is PISSED because he has now decided that while he'll support my daughter, he won't support me. It has gotten really ugly and will likely go to court.

What started off as amicable and in the best interest of my daughter has now turned into a royal mess.

And, for the record, I didn't do anything "wrong" for him to have a change of heart... it is all that he expected the house to sell sooner.

So - get it in writing and best of luck... but beware just in case!

[MyTwoAs]

Thanks Ashley - everything will most definitely be in writing. I've been reading these boards for the last two months. I've added this to my list of requirements.

I meet with the attorney on Monday to discuss things.

[rubelin]

So far, our's has been amicable, but we're only in the early stages. He's moving into the house next door and I am letting him keep enough money to live on, though when we go to mediation it is likely that the courts will give me more than he'll really be happy about. I highly recommend mediation, they can usually do all the paperwork and such, too.

[MyTwoAs]

Originally Posted by rubelin

So far, our's has been amicable, but we're only in the early stages. He's moving into the house next door and I am letting him keep enough money to live on, though when we go to mediation it is likely that the courts will give me more than he'll really be happy about. I highly recommend mediation, they can usually do all the paperwork and such, too.

I hope it continues to be amicable!

My only concern with mediation is both of my kids have 'special needs' (autism spectrum conditions) and I'd hate for something to go wrong in figuring out ongoing support for their specific needs. I am consulting with an attorney on Monday to get a feel for things.

[3_opihi]

Hey there,

Dh and I are in the process of divorce, have been separated for awhile. So far, we've been getting along great - I think we are both just so relieved to be free of each other and able to live our own lives. He's giving me whatever I need - I know he will stick with it - he's very loyal and true to his word, one of his best qualities.

Right now, he's just been giving me one of his paychecks so that I can continue to live where I am and keep up with dd's medical bils (she's autistic). We are going into mediation this month to finalize child support, but I'm sure that if they end up giving me less than what he does now, he'll still just give me the rest under the table...he's a good guy, I just don't want to be married to him anymore. He also comes over on the weekend to help out and watch the kids while I work- he even cleans, which is something he never did before. I think that for him, he's a much better parent when he has his space...and that's ok, there are all different types of families. My kids seem to be handling it fine too. He calls them at nine o clock every night to hear about their day and tell them goodnight, and we meet him at least once or twice during the week to go to the park or movies or dinner. So really, not that much has changed.

I think co parenting can be great, it's just very dependant on your ex not turning into a complete butt...so far so good, in my case. I hope it works out for you too.

[meandmine]

Originally Posted by 3_opihi

We are going into mediation this month to finalize child support, but I'm sure that if they end up giving me less than what he does now, he'll still just give me the rest under the table...he's a good guy

Oh, if you are using mediation, *you both* can agree to whatever amount for child support you want; you don't have to go by the support schedules from the state. If you settle out of court, through mediation, then you just file your agreement with the court and they rubber stamp it, unless there is something outrageous in there.

Well, at least that is how it works in my state.

GL and glad it is going well.

My stbx and I are doing pretty well at being couteous and polite (grrrrrrrrrrr), but mediation has been an incredibly expensive, drawn out, unproductive process for us. For me, in hindsight, it would have been better to just draft my proposed settlement and have mailed it off to his attorney. We'd have tossed it back an forth between attorneys a few times and be done by now (6 months) and have spent 1/2 as much money.

M

[MyTwoAs]

3 Opihi - I'm glad it's going so well, your ex does sound like a trustworthy man for sure. Part of my proble with my stbx is that he's been lying to me for months, lied to the therapist, etc. So even though he assures me everything will be taken care of I can't possibly believe it hehe.

meandmine - Sorry to hear it's been such a drawn out process, I hope that it's over for you soon!