What's wrong with bragging about our kids?

[limabean]

I've read several threads in which moms who brag are referred to as annoying, and I'm just curious about that. I know there's an annoying, competitive, one-upping way that people can brag, but my friends and I share our children's accomplishments with each other all the time, and I've never considered it "bragging," although I guess it could be considered that.

I love hearing about all the cool stuff their kids are doing, and I've never felt like someone's been annoyed with me when I'm sharing a story about something cool that DS did.

Do you guys talk about your children's accomplishments with others, and when other people do this with you do you consider it "bragging" and get annoyed by it?

[GuildJenn]

Well I live in Upper Canada (Toronto ) and here the social custom is not really to emphasize the children's accomplishments as a topic of discussion. It still happens backhandedly, like "oh I'm so sorry I missed that television show... where were we?... oh yes, we had to be at school because, you see, our child had won this little provincial wide competition...") but it's just the way of the land.

When I go to the States and see the "My student's on the honor roll!" bumper stickers I often feel compelled to make up the Toronto equivalent:

"We're so glad our student seems to be doing all right."



My parents are American and they got into some trouble being seen as braggarts before they worked it out. It's really not about a moral absolute, it's just a social convention.

ETA: I should add that I think this is a regional thing, my parents were from upstate NY. I've heard the Midwest is very like Upper Canada.

[Sharlla]

I don't brag usually because my kids usually hit milestones early and I don't want to make anyone feel bad or think that I am rubbing it in their faces.

[maliceinwonderland]

Meh. I brag all the time. My kids are awesome I'm happy to hear other people brag about their kids too though!

[Llyra]

I think there's a good way to brag-- when you're really proud of your child and just enjoy sharing that pride. I don't mind that, and I do it myself. But there's a nasty way to brag, too, where the emphasis is on comparing your child to other kids, and I don't like that. I don't like when people brag about their older, able-to-understand kids in a way that puts pressure on the kid, either. I dunno, I guess like you said it depends on HOW the bragging is done and what the intent is, and whether you're doing it with sensitivity to the kid and to others.

[Literate]

Also, consider the audience. Are you telling a complete stranger (who also has kids with them) who has shown zero interest in your child how great your kids talk/walk/whatever? :

Are you telling close friends and family? More acceptable.

Also, is it a constant stream? Or does it occasionally just burst forth? If it's a constant stream, perhaps you need to re-evaluate why bragging is so important to you.

[BelgianSheepDog]

How about the impact bragging has on kids? The pressure, the sense that you're only worth as much as your accomplishments, the fear of failure, the competition, the alienation caused by competition...

[mamazee]

Maybe it is regional, but where I live the etiquette is to not brag.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by Literate

Also, is it a constant stream? Or does it occasionally just burst forth? If it's a constant stream, perhaps you need to re-evaluate why bragging is so important to you.

Yes, it's so important to realize that other parents are just as interested in their own children -- and both parents and non-parents alike will get bored if children's accomplishments are ALL someone wants to talk about. Also, it's not good for the kids to hear a constant stream of bragging about their accomplishments -- it puts a lot of pressure on them and makes them more self-conscious.

I have a dear friend who, whenever anyone asked her or her son what grade he was in, would chime in with, "We homeschool, and we don't do grades. If we did do grades, it'd be hard 'cause he's on a 9th grade level in reading --" and she'd rattle off all the subject and give her son's corresponding grade levels -- usually way advanced for his age. This was when her son was about six or seven.

We homeschool, too, and actually unschool, meaning I have absolutely no concern about what grade-level my children are at. But if anyone asks me what grade my 7yo's in, I just say, "Second -- we homeschool." I figure they're just making conversation and wondering about her age and school experience, so I don't give more of an answer than that unless they ask.

Just as when we're talking with our children -- when we talk with ANYone it's a good idea to listen to find out what their interests are, and share information in response to THEIR interest-level.

This is a learning process, especially when I was a first-time mom I was so obsessed with EVERYthing my dd did. One day I noticed that my friend with a large family often noticed things my child was doing and showed an interest in her -- while I hardly ever showed interest in her children. It was a wake-up call for me.

[maya44]

Here's the deal where I live. You can brag as much as you want about a child who is a fairly different age (let's say two to three years apart at least) from the children of the person you are talking to.

Then it does not come off as "My kid is doing things better than yours"

You might think that everyone you know has kids the same age, but what I find is that oldest dd's friends might have no siblings the same age as her silbings, so I brag more about my other age kids to that mom, YKWIM? But I don't brag about oldest dd to her.

Otherwise stick to granparents and aunts and uncles with different age kids.

[Maggie05]

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog

How about the impact bragging has on kids? The pressure, the sense that you're only worth as much as your accomplishments, the fear of failure, the competition, the alienation caused by competition...

While I know there is some truth to this, my dh had the opposite experience. His mother (my MIL) NEVER bragged about him to anyone. For some reason, maybe generational, she thought it was bad luck to praise or brag about your kids. She never wanted them ( her kids) to think that they were better than anyone else.

The result is that my husband has spent his whole life trying to be the best and never feeling that he is. He is always under stress to do things perfectly. If he cannot do something perfectly, he will not even attempt it. He won't try any new sport, or activity.

He was a straight A student, valedictorian in college, he became the principal of a very prestigous boys prep school by the time he was 35. He still feels inadequate.

It really is a tragic. There must be a happy medium.

[EVC]

I think there is a difference between being proud of your kids and their accomplishments and bragging about them. Personally it really irks me when parents say things like "Junior got the highest grade in his class for biology--his teacher is just astounded by his brilliance--I think we've got a future neurosurgeon here! But we don't know whether to send him to Harvard or Yale--it's so tough being his mom! You can't imagine the responsibility. Ooops, off to karate practice...Did I mention he's the youngest child to ever earn a black belt?"

I think a more pleasant way to say it would be "Junior is doing great in school and is especially interested in biology. Recently he performed a computer simulation of a frog dissection. He loved it! He dreams of being a doctor someday and we couldn't be more proud of him. "

[BelgianSheepDog]

Originally Posted by Maggie05

While I know there is some truth to this, my dh had the opposite experience. His mother (my MIL) NEVER bragged about him to anyone. For some reason, maybe generational, she thought it was bad luck to praise or brag about your kids. She never wanted them ( her kids) to think that they were better than anyone else.

The result is that my husband has spent his whole life trying to be the best and never feeling that he is. He is always under stress to do things perfectly. If he cannot do something perfectly, he will not even attempt it. He won't try any new sport, or activity.

Same results for my partner, who was bragged about excessively.

At any rate I never said that you shouldn't talk about kids' accomplishments ever. Just that "bragging" per se easily becomes toxic.

[limabean]

Maybe people's definition of "bragging" differs. To me, it's a negative term used to describe talking about someone's talents/accomplishments/etc. in a way that makes it sound like they're comparing themselves or their children to you or your children.

But if a friend's child made the swim team, or or went down the slide after months of being too afraid, I'd want to hear about it, and would think it was great and share in their joy! And I share similar stuff about DS with my close friends and family.

I also share stuff about myself and other grown-ups in my life when I'm proud -- if I get a promotion at work, or my DH qualifies for an exciting golf tournament, or my friend gets a gallery to display her artwork, I think those are things worth mentioning to other people who care about me/my family/my friends! And I think I would be weirded out, and sort of hurt, if a friend chose not to share those joyous moments with me because they were afraid of appearing to brag.

[dolphinkisser]

I don't see the purpose in bragging. I do see the purpose of TELLING your kids you are proud of them and encouraging them. Sometimes it is nice to share your kids accomplishment with a good friend...but to carry on about how wonderful their kids are and that they are at the top of the class. What are they trying to prove? I am not impressed by that anyway...i am more interested if they are kind ,compassionate and considerate...in other words that they are a good person and if they are HAPPY.

[RainCoastMama]

It isn't really a social norm here to brag, per se. I personally find it a bit obnoxious unless I'm related to the child and actually give a hoot : Sometimes when mamas brag they don't have their fingers on the developmental pulse and are bragging about things that most average kids are doing anyway, or that other kids (ie mine) have done early. I sometimes feel compelled to tell them that Maybe it's cuz I just don't like bragging.

Then there are the competitive moms in several playgroups/activities I've been to, and it's my general feeling that they brag to cover or make up for their own inadequacies...high school never ended for some people

[BookGoddess]

Among the locals here, it also isn't the norm here to boast about one's child. People tend to do it in a way that isn't so off-putting so you don't encounter it too often. Done wrong talking about one's child comes off like a bad Christmas letter. You know the type - "Junior is studying art in Paris under the tutelage of a great master who proclaimed him a budding Michelangelo and little Missy, age 5, continues to amaze her professors at the University."

There's nothing wrong with taking pride in a child's accomplishments. However, one has to take into account the audience, the delivery, and the reason for making the statement. I would share information with close friends and family who I know are interested in DD. But I'm not likely to mention anything to casual acquaintences with children the same age as my DD unless they specifically ask and even then I wouldn't go into too many details.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by limabean

Maybe people's definition of "bragging" differs. To me, it's a negative term used to describe talking about someone's talents/accomplishments/etc. in a way that makes it sound like they're comparing themselves or their children to you or your children.

But if a friend's child made the swim team, or or went down the slide after months of being too afraid, I'd want to hear about it, and would think it was great and share in their joy! And I share similar stuff about DS with my close friends and family.

I also share stuff about myself and other grown-ups in my life when I'm proud -- if I get a promotion at work, or my DH qualifies for an exciting golf tournament, or my friend gets a gallery to display her artwork, I think those are things worth mentioning to other people who care about me/my family/my friends! And I think I would be weirded out, and sort of hurt, if a friend chose not to share those joyous moments with me because they were afraid of appearing to brag.

I think that just highlights the differences in culture. Here, it would be fine to mention those things if asked like... "so how is MutualFriend?" Or if we were talking about sports or playgrounds or something.

But if you were initiating it, it might well be perceived as bragging - to just bring those things up out of the blue, even if you were excited about them. Maybe especially if you were excited about them. It sounds repressive and on one level it is, maybe, but on another - I don't know; in my mums groups I think it actually sort of keeps the competitive stuff down, and also maybe opens the door to share the - mundane details? Not sure how to put that, but it's a culture, not a manual, so there you go.

However in lots of places it is fine. My parents really did move from one to the other and it got them into a lot of social hot water, especially around us girls - my parents were used to a culture of sharing a lot about school in particular, that we got As or whatever, and other parents started to avoid them and us, and eventually it all got mostly kindly sorted out.

But I still remember the putdowns with fair embarassment - "Oh how... close... you must be, as a family, that you are so... proud... of your daughter's spelling tests."

[MotherWhimsey]

I'm way more careful about this now. I have a dd that is light years ahead of average, and I don't think I ever really bragged a whole lot, but I may have, I don't know. But now I have been blessed with a son that is different. I am totally fine with him just the way he is. He's an amazing child. But I generally find things like proper poop consistancy something to brag about with him. He does things in his own time. But I've found something unexpected with him and other parents with kids his age. They are constantly saying things like, "oh, he's not babbling yet? Oh my baby's been doing that for months." or "he's still not crawling? well I guess that can still be normal. Jr. met that mile stone way early." And that my friends is the only time that I am uncomfortable with my son's issues. It makes me very angry that not only do they not see how amazing he is (see what he can do, not what he can't) but that they have so little social graces. I mean I suck socially but I still know that you don't look at someone who's kid has a really malformed face or something obvious like that and say, "oh, my kid is just the most beautiful kid I've ever seen, everyone says so." Likewise you don't look at my totally tube fed kid and decide to brag about how superior your kid's eating skills are. So it's one thing to say something like "I'm so proud of dd, she's so creative," just don't brag about something to someone just to make yourself feel better. cause it might really make them feel aweful in the process. Brag contientiously.

all that aside, my kid is amazing cause he can burp through the tube in his stomach.

[rmzbm]

NOTHING wrong with bragging about your kids, I do it often!