What's wrong with bragging about our kids? - Page 4

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by Maggie05

The result is that my husband has spent his whole life trying to be the best and never feeling that he is. He is always under stress to do things perfectly. If he cannot do something perfectly, he will not even attempt it. He won't try any new sport, or activity.

or maybe your DH is just wired that way and it's not his mom's fault

Some kids are just conservative perfectionists that way, independent of how they are raised.

My mother raised two well-adjusted children, one drug addict (clean and sober for years) and one who will be 50 and it still blaming my mother for her rotten childhood.

[teachma]

Originally Posted by Meg Murry.

YES.
It was worse when she was younger, and some other playgroup moms reacted in ways that were just downright odd. This strikes me as so strange, though, because if I saw a child doing something remarkably early, like a three-year-old writing, I think -- no, I know I would think it was just so darned cool, period.

Definitely more so when they are young. Ds is nearly 7, and I find I don't get that feeling so much with him anymore. I totally agree with you on your last sentiment; maybe it's the teachers in us! However, you and I know that there are some parents who don't think "how cool" unless its their own child. Isn't it so strange to feel actual awkwardness because one's child is doing something advanced?

[RubyWild]

I don't think it's necessarily bragging to say what your child has been up to, what their interests are, how the day is spent.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Llyra

I think there's a good way to brag-- when you're really proud of your child and just enjoy sharing that pride. I don't mind that, and I do it myself. But there's a nasty way to brag, too, where the emphasis is on comparing your child to other kids, and I don't like that.

:
I do some bragging about ds1, but it's partly because I really want him to know that I'm impressed. He's really got his head screwed on right, and I'm proud for him. I think I also worry because of his dad. I really want ds1 to understand that his dad is absent from his life because of his dad's issues, not because he's "not good enough". I won't say that, because I think that kind of comment can actually plant the idea in a child's head...but I bloody well want him to know he's "good enough".

[hippymomma69]

Seems to me that one person's "sharing accomplishments" is another person's "bragging" LOL

How come when I share my developmentally delayed daughter's accomplishments I get looks of pity instead of enthusiastic support? I mean, I feel like I'm bragging....but it's totally taken as something to pity me for!

Does anyone really expect another parent to be excited if you share your DC's "accomplishments"? If your kid is ahead of the curve, you're seen as bragging. If your kid is behind the curve, you're pitied...can't win...

Just another thought to add...

peace,
robyn

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by hippymomma69

How come when I share my developmentally delayed daughter's accomplishments I get looks of pity instead of enthusiastic support? I mean, I feel like I'm bragging....but it's totally taken as something to pity me for!

Does anyone really expect another parent to be excited if you share your DC's "accomplishments"? If your kid is ahead of the curve, you're seen as bragging. If your kid is behind the curve, you're pitied...can't win...

Bah - anybody who's giving a mom pitying looks for sharing her child's accomplishments is being ignorant!

My oldest were both early talkers...very early. DS2, on the other hand, is almost two and has about an 8 word vocabulary (he's learned 3 in the last week). I'm going to be sharing his accomplishments when he starts really talking, and anybody who pities me can go soak their head.

Share your dd's accomplishments here. I'll be happy for you and her, not pitying...and I think everyone else will be, too.

[lalaland42]

ETA: I don't think there is anything wrong with bragging about your kids as long as you aren't comparing them. They are beautiful and unique snowflakes, each parent should be able to talk about their child's uniqueness.

I had a slightly uncomfortable situation at the Gymboree outlet store yesterday. DD and I walked in and she went over to the chairs for the kids. There was a baby (around 9 mos), a girl around 2 and one extra seat. DD sat down and the kids "had conversations" with eachother. I walked off a couple of feet to look at a rack and DD yelled to me loudly, "mommy where are you?" This is her latest, favorite sentence. The mom of the two year old asked me how old DD was, and I said two. She stared at me and I calculated 27 months. She then started saying over and over how clear my DD was, looking concerned. Her DD wasn't nearly as clear as mine (I only heard her say 2 words) but it turns out that her DD just turned 2 a week prior. I just said, oh, well DD wasn't nearly as clear at 2 as now. I also said that 3 months makes a big difference at this age - which is completely true. The mom still looked upset, gathered her DD and left. I felt like I did something wrong. *sigh* Maybe I did, I can be clueless.

[lalaland42]

Originally Posted by hippymomma69

Seems to me that one person's "sharing accomplishments" is another person's "bragging" LOL

How come when I share my developmentally delayed daughter's accomplishments I get looks of pity instead of enthusiastic support? I mean, I feel like I'm bragging....but it's totally taken as something to pity me for!

Does anyone really expect another parent to be excited if you share your DC's "accomplishments"? If your kid is ahead of the curve, you're seen as bragging. If your kid is behind the curve, you're pitied...can't win...

Just another thought to add...

peace,
robyn

You can come brag here. I love bragging!

[EdnaMarie]

I'm reading this with interest because I'm wondering how or whether or when it's appropriate to talk about my child. I have found it very hard to talk about my daughter's birth on many boards because, while I realize that an easy birth has nothing to do with superiority, moral, physical, or otherwise, on my part, it always always seems to be taken that way. It's genetic. I have black hair and short labour. So what?

In real life, people have taken my decision to EC as kind of competitive. I know that my EC'd daughter will still be having accidents at two- they all do. I just want to be gentle and consistent with her. Plus, it's the norm here and would be weird if we didn't.

But I do feel like it's best not to mention the easy birth, the potty, because it could be taken the wrong way. Though, it is kind of annoying when everyone shares their birth stories and when you get to mine nobody wants to hear it. :

Instead I talk about her birth mark. It's one of those things that is not really bad but that people seem glad their children don't have. Immediately makes them feel better.

Where I am nobody says anything about their children. It's considered bad luck to disparage or to praise. Everyone is used to it because it's the same universally so no child ever sees another get more praise than her.

I guess that's for the best, reading this thread.

[3_opihi]

Originally Posted by BookGoddess

Among the locals here, it also isn't the norm here to boast about one's child. People tend to do it in a way that isn't so off-putting so you don't encounter it too often. Done wrong talking about one's child comes off like a bad Christmas letter. You know the type - "Junior is studying art in Paris under the tutelage of a great master who proclaimed him a budding Michelangelo and little Missy, age 5, continues to amaze her professors at the University."

There's nothing wrong with taking pride in a child's accomplishments. However, one has to take into account the audience, the delivery, and the reason for making the statement. I would share information with close friends and family who I know are interested in DD. But I'm not likely to mention anything to casual acquaintences with children the same age as my DD unless they specifically ask and even then I wouldn't go into too many details.

Oh, I have to disagree with you here...I find that bragging is sooooooooo common here, but in more subtle ways. For instance. "Oh we are sending little Junior to x preschool so he can get into Punahou and yaddayaddayadda. Where do your kids go? Kahalu'u El? Ohhhhhhhh...." (my kids don't really go to kahaluu, btw)

But yes, the norm is to be humble and modest here, I just find it isn't always so when it comes to talking about kids...and school. What is the obsession with what school your kid goes to? (not you in general, just the general you) It drives me batty.

[3_opihi]

Oh, and I have to add, I am bragging about dd all the time, but mainly because she is special needs and any little thing she does is a huge accomplishment.

I'm sure nobody cares that dd wore underwear today, or brushed her teeth. But hey, in my world that's room for celebration! I want to shout it to the woooooooorld!!!

[BookGoddess]

Originally Posted by 3_opihi

Oh, I have to disagree with you here...I find that bragging is sooooooooo common here, but in more subtle ways. For instance. "Oh we are sending little Junior to x preschool so he can get into Punahou and yaddayaddayadda. Where do your kids go? Kahalu'u El? Ohhhhhhhh...." (my kids don't really go to kahaluu, btw)

But yes, the norm is to be humble and modest here, I just find it isn't always so when it comes to talking about kids...and school. What is the obsession with what school your kid goes to? (not you in general, just the general you) It drives me batty.

You forgot the pitying look that's accompanied by "Kahaluu Elementary. Ohhhh..."

I know what you mean about the need to get into some exclusive school in our state but I guess I don't encounter it too often. I have a friend whose two kids go to Iolani and my bff's son goes to Punahou but they're very low-key about it. They don't mention it unless someone specifically asks where their kids go to school.

Oh the famous "where you wen school?" question. It drives me bonkers too. My personal theory is that there is still a blue-collar plantation era mentality here so high school education was/is the highest level of education to which people could aspire.

[tuahine]

Originally Posted by BookGoddess

You forgot the pitying look that's accompanied by "Kahaluu Elementary. Ohhhh..."

I know what you mean about the need to get into some exclusive school in our state but I guess I don't encounter it too often. I have a friend whose two kids go to Iolani and my bff's son goes to Punahou but they're very low-key about it. They don't mention it unless someone specifically asks where their kids go to school.

Oh the famous "where you wen school?" question. It drives me bonkers too. My personal theory is that there is still a blue-collar plantation era mentality here so high school education was/is the highest level of education to which people could aspire.

I actually like the "Where you wen grad" question, not so much because of where I graduated from but because it is a Hawaii thing & Hawaii is so different now- I feel like we are losing those connections. My personal theory on the question is that is similar to the Hawaiians chanting their geneology, you try to find something in common to make a connection.

Way to go 3 opihi! You should be very proud of all those accomplishments. I feel the same way too, esp. when it come to clothes. DD doesn't want to where clothes or diapers- it is a struggle most days. Today we had dinner at the Olive Tree Cafe & DD was sans shirt. Everyone thought my little boy was adorable.

[mata]

I think everyone can tell the difference between talking about what our kids our doing in a non-competitive way, and doing it in a way which places a child above all others. Around here I notice people need to put it out there that their kids are in the GATE program when they first meet you, etc. etc.-I myself am more interested in talking about how my dd loves sports, math, reading, etc. without assigning value judgments of how good she is (or better than someone else) at something.

[teachma]

Originally Posted by mata

Around here I notice people need to put it out there that their kids are in the GATE program when they first meet you, etc. etc.-I myself am more interested in talking about how my dd loves sports, math, reading, etc. without assigning value judgments of how good she is (or better than someone else) at something.

While it does seem show-offy to tell a brand new acquaintance that one's child is in the GATE program, I disagree that by doing so, it's equivalent to "assigning value judgments" or comparing one's child to others. Moreover, I think it's a problem for parents of gifted children that other people perceive them to be comparing or bragging when they make a statement like, "My child is in the GATE program."

[mata]

Originally Posted by teachma

Moreover, I think it's a problem for parents of gifted children that other people perceive them to be comparing or bragging when they make a statement like, "My child is in the GATE program."

I'm sure I could see it from that point of view as well. My child will probably end up being in the GATE program when she's older. What I'm saying is that for me, it's not something I would necessarily bring up, especially with people I don't know well. For me it's enough to say my child loves reading, math, sports, etc. without pointing out how strong she is at something.

[EdnaMarie]

Can I just say, this goes to show that no matter what we say about our kids, if someone is feeling sensitive, then she will take it as bragging?

I thought GATE was such a waste of my time, to be honest. It's not that I'm so darn smart, it's just that the quality of the teaching was not much better than in the other classes. Plus they never tought us grammar or a foreign language. This is a whole other thread but whether or not my daughter is gifted in that area, I'd rather homeschool. Or live in a cardboard box and send her to a private school or something. For those of you who are keen on GATE, if you weren't in it yourself...

[LilyGrace]

Originally Posted by izobelle

I thought GATE was such a waste of my time, to be honest. It's not that I'm so darn smart, it's just that the quality of the teaching was not much better than in the other classes. Plus they never tought us grammar or a foreign language. This is a whole other thread but whether or not my daughter is gifted in that area, I'd rather homeschool. Or live in a cardboard box and send her to a private school or something. For those of you who are keen on GATE, if you weren't in it yourself...

Just like with schools, GATE is different everywhere. My class over the years put out a newspaper, wrote and directed our own shows, took more field trips and went more in depth than any of the other classes. Our 7th grade teacher taught us trig for the heck of it, and we spent at least half a year creating our own self-sustainable communities on the moon, with reports that were over 100 pages on every aspect of life, plus a model to go with it.

G&T down at a school I looked at for the youngest, though, was a once a week pull out class where they did logic puzzles and graphed problems like how much laundry a family does in a week. It wasn't worth it and seemed to be almost insulting to the kids who were in the program. There's no way I would let a child of mine participate in such a class!