Apparently AP Killed our Marriage...

[ladybugchild77]

I am just ready to cry. Jeremy and I are not getting along too well rightnow. Apparently it is all my fault since I AP the kids - it took too much away from our relationship. OK. I get that you have to love your partner and care for each other as much as you do the kids but I feel that is a bunch of crap that the way I parent killed our relationship. I was in Graduate school full-time, taking care of 2 kids when I was not on campus, he worked 12 hour days so we did not see each other very much since he had a 2 hour commute each day...but somehow it is all my fault. He (and a few of my freinds) told me - I take no time for myself. I need to let our kids cry a little sometimes. I have lost who I am and that is why our marriage failed. All I could think to say was that our children are babies and need me right now more that they will in the future; or at least their needs will be different. I also said that not many people could have done as much as I did and not cracked under the pressure. He is blaming all of our problems on me and wants SIX MONTHS of no tlaking to figure it out in his own head. I just can't wait half a year for someone who has no clue what he wants. Not to mention he is barelt spending time with his kids and makes me out to the the "bad guy" with his family; they seem to think I don't want to let them around when the truth is he is not asking to see them other that when I am at my internship and he has to take care of them. I did not kill our marriage by being a good parent but I certainly feel like crap right now...

[Beating Earth]

[Metta&Karuna]

I am sorry you are hurting right now.

Originally Posted by ladybugchild77

I did not kill our marriage by being a good parent

Just remember that.

[chfriend]

I'm not a single parent, so pardon my intrusion....

Parenthood and marriage are not for candy-asses. It's hard when they are babies. Really really hard. I'm sorry no one prepared your husband for that *before* the marriage and babies. That rots, but it's not your fault.

Is he planning to share custody of the littles ones during his 6 month thinking time?

[girrllie]

This will be an unpopular opinion, but I've felt the same way for a while. I don't think AP per se, but the lack of balance. Like we still co-sleep and I nurse and I don't do CIO. But we somehow can't find the balance between that and taking some time for ourselves (short story - I'm about to divorce him but have given him 3 to 4 sessions of therapy). I think that's where AP starts to effect the marriage. If you feel like you can never leave your kids to spend time with your husband, then, yes, I think your marriage suffers for that. I definitely lost some of my self and my self-esteem due to this style of parenting. My H is on the side that the kids always come first no matter what, won't leave them with anyone, etc.. And I'm just no longer there. It's not great for the kids if your marriage fails either. Necessary sometimes, yes, and they survive it and adapt emotionally. But I think it's o.k. to leave them to go out together and try to repair the marriage and have some fun yourselves. Our marital therapist who was totally AP herself basically said that it takes giving yourself completely to the children and b/c of that a lot of marriages don't survive it.

You sound like you have a really stressful situation with school and the kids and his commute. It would be really difficult to find time alone with your husband! Six months *alone* sounds really long. I've always felt like you can't work on a marriage while you're apart. But then again, six months in a lifetime isn't that long.

[Momtwice]

When you are old, if you become helpless, do you want your children to leave you alone to cry?

No, of course not.

Don't beat yourself up for being a good parent. Don't listen to someone who wants to blame you for their weaknesses.

In all this time, has your partner given YOU enough? Or is it just about what you are "supposed" to give to him?

Speculation: I wonder if your partner has deep holes in his heart and soul from his own childhood, that left him unable to do the kind of profound giving that parenting requires. (Or unable to give to a partner for that matter!)

Oh, and what chfriend said.

(I don't mean don't listen to him at all if you to decide to work on this. I mean don't listen to criticism that makes it all about you, all your fault.)

[Al Dente]

Originally Posted by ladybugchild77

I am just ready to cry. Jeremy and I are not getting along too well rightnow. Apparently it is all my fault since I AP the kids - it took too much away from our relationship. OK. I get that you have to love your partner and care for each other as much as you do the kids but I feel that is a bunch of crap that the way I parent killed our relationship. I was in Graduate school full-time, taking care of 2 kids when I was not on campus, he worked 12 hour days so we did not see each other very much since he had a 2 hour commute each day...but somehow it is all my fault. He (and a few of my freinds) told me - I take no time for myself. I need to let our kids cry a little sometimes. I have lost who I am and that is why our marriage failed. All I could think to say was that our children are babies and need me right now more that they will in the future; or at least their needs will be different. I also said that not many people could have done as much as I did and not cracked under the pressure. He is blaming all of our problems on me and wants SIX MONTHS of no tlaking to figure it out in his own head. I just can't wait half a year for someone who has no clue what he wants. Not to mention he is barelt spending time with his kids and makes me out to the the "bad guy" with his family; they seem to think I don't want to let them around when the truth is he is not asking to see them other that when I am at my internship and he has to take care of them. I did not kill our marriage by being a good parent but I certainly feel like crap right now...

Forgive me when I ask, how old is your dh? This is EXACTLY, verbatim, what Mr. A said to me a couple of years ago. We have had an extremely rocky road since our ds was born, and the only reason given is that I didn't devote enough time to Mr. A. With some distance to give clarity, I realized that it was Mr. A's narcissistic need to always, 100% be first that was the real strain on our marriage. Mr. A was a baby himself, 25 chronologically but about 16 in maturity (surfaced after ds was born).

Once I realized that he wasn't willing to give anything up for our new life with a new baby, I unconsciously made the decision to deny Mr. A even existed, practically. We had no balance, because he had hurt me to the point of no return and I didn't want him in my life. Maybe your doing it all-grad school, 2 babies, the housework, everything-while he complained that you weren't taking enough time for yourself (instead of working out a solution to give you a break) led to resentment of him on your part and you subconsciously drew away from him the longer it went on.

FWIW ds is 3 yo now and we are working on our marriage, teetering b/w divorce and not divorce depending on the day. The only thing that saved us was that Mr. A sorta snapped out of it as he grew up along with our ds.

Please don't sell yourself short mama. You deserve happiness and a partner that is equal with you. Sounds like he wants all the good things-happy wife, successful life, 2 beautiful children-without having to put in the extremely hard work to make any of those things happen.

Originally Posted by girrllie

If you feel like you can never leave your kids to spend time with your husband, then, yes, I think your marriage suffers for that. I definitely lost some of my self and my self-esteem due to this style of parenting. My H is on the side that the kids always come first no matter what, won't leave them with anyone, etc.. And I'm just no longer there. It's not great for the kids if your marriage fails either. Necessary sometimes, yes, and they survive it and adapt emotionally. But I think it's o.k. to leave them to go out together and try to repair the marriage and have some fun yourselves. Our marital therapist who was totally AP herself basically said that it takes giving yourself completely to the children and b/c of that a lot of marriages don't survive it.

But Dr. Sears himself says over and over that balance is CRUCIAL to the A/P lifestyle. I think many new AP moms in particular make this mistake, because we are so anxious to "get it right". But don't blame AP for that. It's about finding the balance for all concerned. I don't think you have to "let them cry" in any circumstance so that your marriage will succeed. I know I would be furious if Mr. A suggested this so we could focus on ourselves (to the child's detriment IMO). In the beginning the children take 100%, as they should because they are helpless babies. Once they have gotten to the point where they can be left alone with a sitter, have a date night, see a movie, etc. It's about the partners agreeing when this is and how to cope until then that makes things succeed.

Originally Posted by chfriend

I'm not a single parent, so pardon my intrusion....

Parenthood and marriage are not for candy-asses. It's hard when they are babies. Really really hard. I'm sorry no one prepared your husband for that *before* the marriage and babies. That rots, but it's not your fault.

:

[gurumama]

This:

Apparently it is all my fault since I AP the kids - it took too much away from our relationship.

speaks volumes. If YOU are parenting via AP, and he wasn't, then you have a parenting style difference. And if he's not on board with AP, and you are, then that's part of the relationship problem.

If he just turns all the parenting over to you, then he's a checked-out parent. You have two VERY little kids spaced closed together. Of course it's hard. It sounds like he wants to blame the difficulty of parenting in general on YOU, which is never a good thing in any marriage.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[ladybugchild77]

Originally Posted by chfriend

I'm not a single parent, so pardon my intrusion....

Parenthood and marriage are not for candy-asses. It's hard when they are babies. Really really hard. I'm sorry no one prepared your husband for that *before* the marriage and babies. That rots, but it's not your fault.

Is he planning to share custody of the littles ones during his 6 month thinking time?

Thanks. All of the comments have been great but this sums it up nicely. And he thinks he is sharing custody but he only sees them when I work (15 hours a week). I have offered for him to spend more time with them but he just doesn't want to; there is always something else to do on his part - normally it is smoking for hours on end while watching TV with his mom.

[ladybugchild77]

Originally Posted by gurumama

This:



speaks volumes. If YOU are parenting via AP, and he wasn't, then you have a parenting style difference. And if he's not on board with AP, and you are, then that's part of the relationship problem.

If he just turns all the parenting over to you, then he's a checked-out parent. You have two VERY little kids spaced closed together. Of course it's hard. It sounds like he wants to blame the difficulty of parenting in general on YOU, which is never a good thing in any marriage.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

He does parent them in an AP stlye mostly but I feel it is at my urging. He does things like babywearing since it makes life easier. And he co-slept and wa son board for extended BF since it worked out well. He simply doesn't want the reponsibility. As sson as Kiera (our 2yo) acts up or Devin (our 7mo) cries he is all about getting rid of them (passing them to me of course). It just seems that our chldren are an awfully big inconvenience to his new lifestly; heck, they were inconvenient to him even when we lived together. Who is up every morning at 5 with the baby? Who puts them to bed, comforts them when they are sad, feeds them, and has done so since birth? Me. He has never helped out much so I can't expect him to now since he is the one who wants the divorce. It is just so frustrating. He tells me I think he is a bad parent and that I feel he doesn't do anything rightbut I have never said that. What I did tell him is that if he has insecurities about himself as a parent that is HIS problem. For goodness sake, he tells me that he doesn't "see any food they can eat" when the cupboards are full of food so he doesn't have to make it. Grrr...

[danieliausmama]

I have similar dilema with my husband although he is 48. Even before I married him he had some habits and views that did not apeal to me, but at that time without a child, they were standable. Not to mention, I thought no one is perfect. Unfotunately now, when we have son, he still behaves for the most part like he is single - never tells me when he will be back home, eats his dinner not at the table, but at the TV, bacically ignores us untill our son goes to bed. Then suddenly he becomes "visible".
I am not really looking for the who is right and who is wrong- I am just looking what works for me and for him and what doesn't. And frankly I am very dissapointed in him after our son was born. He is almost four now and it is not getting any better. I am considering a divorce, but my husband doesn't want it.
Sometimes I think that most men are not made to raise kids. And family with father looks good in pictures, but reality is very different. If I divorce I will sure never marry again - maybe a boyfriend, but definetely not live in - I rather not to have pick up dirty socks from the living room...

[Ruthla]

Marriage takes TWO people to make it work, and it sounds like he was expecting you to put in most of the effort, and blamed you for things falling apart when he didn't do his share.

If you'd been a "mainstream" parent he probably would have blamed you for making the marriage fail by making the babies CIO and being too cold. I think he's just making excuses.

[Viewfinder]

Originally Posted by chfriend

Parenthood and marriage are not for candy-asses.

So, so true. And so beautifully and simply put. The phrase belongs on a stitchery pillow. Brilliant!!

VF

[momazon4]

It is not attachment parenting that is to blame for the problems, it is his lack of belief that attachment parenting is absolutely necessary. If he did this would be a non issue and he would be looking for ways to help with the balance in the family(ie, working less hours, getting a house keeper, ect) instead of scapegoating. The fact that he is laying the blame on parenting style says he isn't accepting his part of the responsibility.

Part of being an adult is being able to understand that sometimes we can delay our own needs but a young child can't. A man told me this years ago when I was going through something similiar, and he is still happily married.

[Jster]

Just wanted to add my two cents...when my ex left us for another woman, his "excuse" was that he didn't get enough attention and AP came in the way. It was a very selfish time for him and he couldn't see past his lower extremities (I was going to say nose but I don't think the nose was the problem Anyway...three years later...he married the woman and they have a kid together. And guess what? Now HE'S advocating co-sleeping, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and I'm sure some gentle discipling to his new wife. Funny how he actually learned from me and our children after all.

I agree very much with the above poster, marriage and kids is not for candy-asses. But it's also very true that, when someone wants "out" for whatever reason, they'll try and blame it on YOU for failing in some way, without taking responsibility for their change of heart, and that's a big problem. The truth is that they are responsible, and it sounds like he does little to make the marriage a priority either, so I wouldn't take it personally, even though you are hurting because of the possibility of divorce.

(Oh, and one final tidbit. Just as all this was going on in my marriage, my then 2yo gave up naps and started going to bed two hours earlier, at 7 instead of 9, so I suddenly had evenings to spend alone with my partner. But he was no longer home...too busy chasing after his girlfriend. So I would really take these sorts of accusations with a grain of salt, it ain't about you, it's about him. )

[girrllie]

It's definitely not about you! I didn't mean to imply that. RacheePoo is totally right when she says it's about balance (not AP) and so many of us go to extremes to do it "right." I also think it's easier on your marriage if both partners agree to this style of parenting and when one doesn't, then conflict is bound to happen. But you should not blame yourself for that at all! You're doing what you think is best for your kids *despite* your husband. And it doesn't seem like he's willing to compromise with you about it.

Maturity is also definitely a factor, the ability to put the kids first. I'm totally guilty of that myself. i have a really difficult toddler and a lot of days I'm just burned out and tired and want a huge f-ing break that just never comes. And that's when I wish I didn't co-sleep or nurse every 30 minutes all night or that I could do CIO (which i totally don't have the heart to do that!).

Anyway, back to you . Personally, it sounds like you were working your butt off to try to make a better life for yourself and your kids and your family and he just split under the pressure. It doesn't sound like your H is wanting to work on the marriage? O.k. So he thinks AP is the problem. Does he have ideas about what to do differently? Ideas that maybe you could both look at?