so i seem to be going through some health and hubby problems. not good. last night i got extremely severe and concentrated pain in my right foot/ankle. i have had swollen feet for a while, with the left being consistently worse. they are painful but feel more like an allover bruise. this was different -- like i had broken something or gotten a really bad sprain, i just couldn't figure out how. i would rank this up there with the top 5 pains of my life. i was screaming and went into shock (vomiting, shivering) and instructing dh to do different things to help me, e.g., stroke my hair. he was not good at it at all. he got caught up in researching what was going on with me on google and ignored me. worse, when he tried to help me he would bump me and make it hurt more, and when i would yelp in reaction he would get really really angry with me (which of course was frustration with himself, but anger at me was of how it came out). worst of all, he launched into this whole speech about how i am going to suck at natural childbirth.
i spoke to my mw by phone, she was at the hosp and advised me not to go because it was full of 4th of july accidents. so my other mw saw me early this morning, diagnosed a torn achilles tendon, and sent me to a physical therapist. and ordered me off of my feet all weekend. dh went into a frenzy that there were no docs for this covered on our insurance -- again this comes out as anger toward me. the insurance is through his job, and he feels like a loser because he is not being a good provider because his insurance is so crappy. so my mw goes off on what terrible insurance that is and is oblivious to my attempts to shut her up as dh gets more and more wound up. the mw is adamant that i have to see someone today and dh schedules an appt with someone out of network. which i am fine with -- emergencies like these are what savings are for, right? i do not skimp on my health. also dh goes off on the immobility plan -- we are going to washington this weekend for my shower, and now it's all my fault that we are going to be "trapped." he doesn't want to spend the $ to rent a car. one could say that this is not the time to economize on transp, but i know that he will be a nightmare to drive down with, so i welcome the train -- i can sit very far away from him.
so the physical therapist was wonderful. she diagnosed that it is not the achilles tendon but rather nerve damage caused by the swelling. she pressed on both feet and they felt way better. hadn't realized how constant the pain had been till they felt better, yk? but in the process of pressing on them i feel pain and have a vasovagal reaction -- throwing up, the whole works. unfortunaately she feels the need to mention that i am going to need an epidural with labor; i tell her that it out of the question and she iss smart enough to drop the subjectso she says she needs to see me tomorrow morning before we leave for dc. dh throws a fit that that will mean taking a more expensive train. hearing any themes here? so i am like crying into the phone at the physical therapist's office, she at least sees that i am in pain (why my husband can't i don't know), and offers to see me twice next week instead of tomorrow so i can end the fight with dh. so then dh freaks that i am planning on seeing an uncovered provider twice next week. i don't care how much she costs -- i need to feel better!! so i come home, collapse with exhaustion. dh comes home, yells at me for being in bed -- he thinks it's depression, not exhaustion, and that somehow depression is an assault on him, you know, me consciously trying to hurt him and or being a bad mother (ok, so that's a fear).
i tell him that he has to keep his financial fears separate from my health care and the baby's -- i am going to get what i need (i have my own job and my own savings, not to mention that my father would be happy to fork over $200 so that his daughter could see a specialist she needed to see. he freaks out and says he will divorce me if i ask my father for $, and i say go for it (at the moment i have no hope for the relationship survuving baby's 1st yr.) he pouts for hours and then says he gives me carte blanche on the whole physical therapy thing, as if until that moment he somehow had the power to control my healthcare. i tell him that's missing the point -- the point is that i don't even want to hear his resentment about "his" $ vs. my health, just like i didn't need to hear him express his lack of confidence in my ability to accomlish MY goal natural childbirth. he launches into this whole thing about how i'm failing the baby by not doing enough prenatal exercises, eating well enough, etc. i am at the end of my rope, folks.
and the physical therapist thinks i should drop down to 3 days a week of work. truthfully i would love it, but i fear my boss would rather i just quit instead (especially given my not so admirable performance in court on tuesday afternoon). dh freaked that i "shouldn't" be that "disabled." like it would spoil his fun! who the hell is living with pregnancy here anyway?!
p.s. and i think he will fail me as a birth partner because he can't put his own feelings on the back burner for a while and focus on what i need. i really want a doula!